Question after break up

[overcome]

Thanks d0nnivain

 

I had sort of a breakthrough moment today at work. I know it's only been five days but today was different.

 

I realized that the reasons she gave me for the break are irrelevant since I didn't do anything that was harmful, toxic...whatever. I was not a bad BF as I gave her affection, attention, a shoulder to cry on, advice on life, and was always there for her. She more or less was for me until the end.

 

So to put it another way, I was not a douchebag like some of her previous relationships. But today I realized it doesn't matter. She made a choice and life is just a series of choices. I know..groundbreaking stuff I'm writing here. But I have a choice in this break-up as well. I can choose to let my pain consume me or I can choose to move on as she did. I choose the latter.

 

This choice has given me power over my loss. I will be fine. I will find another "greatest hits". I believe this to be only a matter of time.

 

Yes I miss her and yes that will fade. Yes I will have good days and bad. But today is different. Today I choose me. I choose to accept the reality of the situation and I choose to see the next adventure around the corner.

[Marc878]

They all fade with time and distance. You'll see

[overcome]

Oh I totally agree as this is not my first rodeo.

[overcome]

Hi everyone,

 

Today marks a week since we split. The pain is still there but for anyone reading this, NC, deleting everything, throwing out gifts, this forum, has helped. I have made a list of things I want to accomplish this summer. Seems like a good idea and will keep me busy.

 

I'm not worried she'll reach out to me. I hope she knows that I've moved on and that it would be selfish of her to try and contact me. I think I'm more anxious I'll run into her on the streets, a restaurant, a bar..whatever.

 

Thanks to everyone and your advice. It has helped ease the pain. Wish me luck in my recovery

[Marc878]

Great attitude and actions taken.

 

You'll be fine and you know it.

[overcome]

Thanks Marc. I know you're right. Some days will be tough. Some will be easy. But since I've been down this road before, I always come out on top.

[drdre]

How are you doing buddy? Any updates? How's that list coming along on getting crossed off?

[overcome]

Hi Dre

 

Doing okay. Good days and bad but sticking to the plan. There's actually been a few times that when my mind wanders to her, I can't remember what she looks like. Of course I really can but maybe I'm just trying to forget her?

 

The list is coming along. Hitting the gym, eating better, reading more, and this weekend I'll be looking for a dog to keep me company.

 

I won't lie. I miss her. It will fade in time as it always does. In a way, that's sort of depressing but that's how life works.

 

Thanks for checking in!

[overcome]

Guys,

 

I'm not doing so well today and I could just use some support.

 

My neighbors above me were on vacation for a couple weeks and came back yesterday. They both knew I was in a relationship before they left and the girl who lives above me asked me how things were going with my ex. I explained that she was now my ex.

 

Of course she wanted to know what happened and I gave her the story about how in my opinion, she lost interest. I gave the rundown of all that transpired about two weeks ago (tomorrow marks two weeks) and she felt that my view might be wrong.

 

My ex was the one who told me she did not feel good about herself, was depressed, and that she didn't want to be with anyone right now. I told the girl above me that even if that is the reason, the facts are in front of me and that I have moved on by kicking her off FB, deleting everything...etc.

 

I told her how she texted me that Sunday after we broke up to see If I was doing okay and that she was just checking in. The neighbor said that she was not just "checking in" but wanted me back. I thought that was BS and stated if she did, she would have picked up the phone and told me she made a mistake and wants to reconcile. The girl disagreed and said I should reach out to her.

 

I know I need to what's right and stay NC and I will. It was just tough hearing someone else tell me to do the opposite. My neighbor means well but I know it's wrong.

 

Anyway, I'm just looking for verification that I'm right and I should continue to do what I'm doing which is moving on and putting the past where in belongs. In my rearview mirror.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Guys,

 

I'm not doing so well today and I could just use some support.

 

My neighbors above me were on vacation for a couple weeks and came back yesterday. They both knew I was in a relationship before they left and the girl who lives above me asked me how things were going with my ex. I explained that she was now my ex.

 

Of course she wanted to know what happened and I gave her the story about how in my opinion, she lost interest. I gave the rundown of all that transpired about two weeks ago (tomorrow marks two weeks) and she felt that my view might be wrong.

 

My ex was the one who told me she did not feel good about herself, was depressed, and that she didn't want to be with anyone right now. I told the girl above me that even if that is the reason, the facts are in front of me and that I have moved on by kicking her off FB, deleting everything...etc.

 

I told her how she texted me that Sunday after we broke up to see If I was doing okay and that she was just checking in. The neighbor said that she was not just "checking in" but wanted me back. I thought that was BS and stated if she did, she would have picked up the phone and told me she made a mistake and wants to reconcile. The girl disagreed and said I should reach out to her.

 

I know I need to what's right and stay NC and I will. It was just tough hearing someone else tell me to do the opposite. My neighbor means well but I know it's wrong.

 

Anyway, I'm just looking for verification that I'm right and I should continue to do what I'm doing which is moving on and putting the past where in belongs. In my rearview mirror.

 

 

Good for you for recognizing that it is just her opinion. When we are at our weakest moments is when it is the hardest to hear anything other than what we know is best for us. Good job!

[overcome]

Guys,

 

Ok I need your help.

 

It's been almost two weeks and I just got a text from my ex.

 

Here is what she said:

 

"Hey, how are you?" I'd like to be friends (if not now then at some point, whatever you prefer) or at least keep in touch once in a while. Would you be up for that? If you'd rather not, I completely understand and respect your choice, but I wanted to reach out"

 

Guys...I did not expect to hear from her. Any advice is welcome.

[Marc878]

Guys,

 

Ok I need your help.

 

It's been almost two weeks and I just got a text from my ex.

 

Here is what she said:

 

"Hey, how are you?" I'd like to be friends (if not now then at some point, whatever you prefer) or at least keep in touch once in a while. Would you be up for that? If you'd rather not, I completely understand and respect your choice, but I wanted to reach out"

 

Guys...I did not expect to hear from her. Any advice is welcome.

 

They always want to be friends. It's for them not you. It alleviates guilt and helps them feel better. Do you really want to stay in contact and watch her date others? Why would you do that?

 

Two good options here.

 

1- ignore her

 

2- reply with "no thanks I just want to move on".

[Marc878]

Most will try the friends thing but it's for them not you. Don't bite on that.

 

It just makes you look weak and needy. Not a place you want to put yourself.

 

When one door closes another opens.

 

It didn't work out so what it's not the end of the world

 

Previous post. I warned you this was coming.

[Marc878]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

 

Read up

[overcome]

You're right Marc.

 

I don't want to be friends and she's doing it for herself.

 

I will respond (tomorrow) that I don't want to be friends. I'll be civil since we both treated each other well in the relationship but I will be firm.

 

I'll admit. I wanted to hear from her but not to be friends. I'm not going to be her back-up or her extra in a play. I'm only interested in healing. If she wanted to talk about "us" then okay maybe. But she didn't say that so I know what I have to do.

 

Thanks for responding.

[Marc878]

Hopium is tempting but it won't get you much except a longer stay in this.

 

Make it short, civil.

 

What may seem as kindness to her isn't to you. She wanted out so just give her what she wanted.

 

You don't owe her a response at this time.

[overcome]

I went ahead and responded to just get this over with.

 

I told her thanks for reaching out, doing well. I'm not at a place where I can be friends but I wish you well.

 

She responded within minutes saying thanks for letting me know and I wish you well too.

 

That's it. My closure as far as I'm concerned.

 

I re-read the NC guide and I know she did this for her. She feels guilty, wants someone to talk to when she's sad, but no longer wants a romantic relationship.

 

Well, it's not going to be this guy. I understand why she reached out but I was just hoping that if she did, it would be to see about working on our relationship. But I guess that ship has sailed. I'll be a better person when my next ship comes into port.

[d0nnivain]

You are doing better then you think you are. So hang in there.

 

Her text was a classic bread crumb. She doesn't really want to be friends. She doesn't want to talk or hang out. What she really wants is to allay her conscious & to not have drama if you bump into each other. I doubt you would be that guy who goes off on her in public for no reason so no worries there.

 

I am a firm believer that you can't be immediate friends with an EX. It just hurts too much & it's unfulfilling. Years later, maybe, but not now. Heaven knows you don't need front row seats to the beginnings of each other's next relationships.

[overcome]

Well said Donnivain.

 

Friends after less than two weeks? Come on. She feels guilty, maybe lonely, maybe misses me. Who cares. It's selfish to that to someone you dumped. But maybe many months or years down the road when I could care less who she's with because I'll be happy. Hopefully with a new flame.

 

You guys have been great.

[Marc878]

You are doing extremely well compared to most.

 

Kudos to you

[MissBee]

NC can be important for healing. It's like not picking a scab.

 

However, if after a break up my EX contacts me, I have always spoken to the person. If I was the dumper I keep it short & don't give false hope. If I was the one who got rejected, I assume the other person is calling me with a practical consideration like the return of stuff or to tell me something. Some two years after the fact I called an EX when his father died. That EX & another one sent me condolence cards when my parents died. I went to the funeral of a different EX.

 

I never did the dramatic poison the earth break ups. Of course they were sad & un-pleasant. Break ups hurt. But that doesn't mean you can't be kind or civil to somebody you used to care about.

 

I share similar sentiments.

 

I've just gone through a breakup myself, but officially decided to take space and not be in contact a couple of days ago. I initiated the breakup because, even though we both love each other, I felt it was at a crossroads where they needed to make a decision and the decision they did make isn't conducive to continuing for me. However, neither of us were out of love or didn't want to be together or stopped caring for each other, so it's difficult and not a kind of breakup i've experienced before.

 

All that to say is, because I don't fee negatively I would respond to messages depending on what it's about and with some boundaries about how I'd respond. But you need to sort of be honest with yourself about where you are and what responding would mean for you. I would love a reconciliation in my case, if the conditions are met, but if that will never happen I have to completely get over them to be friends and not drag on in false hope. Trying to be friends or even friendly and having chit-chat keeps you stuck in false hope and you open yourself to greater hurt beyond the initial breakup. So I personally wouldn't respond to chit-chat if you have hope. Maybe once, depending on what it is, but if it becomes routine I'd tell them the truth about needing space to heal by not keeping in contact.

[MissBee]

Normm,

 

I know the difference. I guess I want reconciliation. If this makes me weak, so be it. But if she wants it as well, she'll move mountains to make that happen. But I will never contact her.

 

I know..I'm giving myself false hope here. And even if we did get back together (which I'm def not banking on) what are the odds things would not just fall apart again?

 

So should I block her number and purge this last thing? Yeah, I probably should.

 

I also don't think you need to rush to do this. Breaking up is a process really. And you do go through stages of grief (which aren't always linear) including having hope/denial. That means having hope isn't a crime. It's normal. So long as you aren't pausing your life plans or like you mentioned you're not the one reaching out and hounding her, then you can let it play out until you naturally start to accept things more and more.

 

Don't let anyone make you feel like you're doing something wrong by wanting reconciliation or not completely shutting the door a few days or weeks after. For most of us, it takes time and each day we slowly get there and feel better about taking a new step towards moving on. In my last break up I immediately unfollowed all social media, but I never deleted her number until maybe 6 months later when I was over it and realized I'd never call her again for any reason.

 

In this breakup I haven't deleted any numbers or anything because of the nature of how things ended and yes I do still have hope. But the advice I'm giving you is what I've given myself. I know I will fully let go when good and ready and it just happened so there is no need to in one week or day or a few weeks think that you're gonna be all over it by deleting and blocking everything. You won't be. So it's okay to do the immediate things that will help and then allow yourself time and space to follow up with new actions of moving on as time passes.

[overcome]

Hi all,

 

Just felt like writing tonight.

 

Today marks one month since the breakup. I still miss her but that's normal. I'm happy to say that I have stayed NC for a month, have not tried to check her social media, etc. She contacted me two weeks ago to be friends and I stood my ground.

 

I guess I'm sad that a month has gone by since I first started this post and I had hoped that we would've worked things out.

 

The days seem to drag on but I still fill them with my goals I'm trying to achieve. It's what keeps me going.

 

I also got back on a dating site to start looking again. It' hard but I feel like it will do me some good to get back out there.

 

Anyway, just wanted to post.

 

[JayHarris]

Hi all,

 

Just felt like writing tonight.

 

Today marks one month since the breakup. I still miss her but that's normal. I'm happy to say that I have stayed NC for a month, have not tried to check her social media, etc. She contacted me two weeks ago to be friends and I stood my ground.

 

I guess I'm sad that a month has gone by since I first started this post and I had hoped that we would've worked things out.

 

The days seem to drag on but I still fill them with my goals I'm trying to achieve. It's what keeps me going.

 

I also got back on a dating site to start looking again. It' hard but I feel like it will do me some good to get back out there.

 

Anyway, just wanted to post.

 

 

Your will power is motivational. Just look at how much I was setback by replying to breadcrumbs. Now I am more crushed than I was at the start of the breakup. Good for you to cut off all contact completely.