Wife has feelings for a man at work

[TehGman]

I am devastated and am not sure what to do. I ignored the signs for a long time, but no news is usually interpreted as good news for most guys.. Let me give you a little background.

 

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for around 12. I am 35 she is 30. Like any marriage we have had our ups and downs, and for the past 6 years of our marriage I have been working part time to pursue my entrepreneurial dreams which she said was okay when I started, so she has been carrying most of the financial burden during this time. With things being financially hard and other such things I have started to interview for full time work and put my dreams on the back burner for a while. With me being so consumed by my goals and my hobbies I will openly admit that I have not been as attentive and affectionate a husband as I should have been.

 

However a few days ago she came to me crying saying that a co worker told her he has feelings for her (this is a co worker who has already cheated on his own wife and she has no idea) and she told me she has feelings or a crush on him too. Of course I was floored and completely destroyed. Now she says she doesn't know what she wants in life or if she wants to be with me anymore. I love her dearly and I know I have made mistakes and not given her the attention she needs, but I have never been unfaithful or had an emotional affair or anything of the sort.

 

I mean even a few weeks ago she was talking about wanting to start a family soon. My guess is she thought a kid would make us reconnect. She says she feels so distant from me and I am ready to make all the changes that I need to, but she says it may be too late. I am not going to grovel or beg her to stay if she is unhappy. She applied for a job elsewhere but then told me that her coworker applied there too. Aside from wanting to knock that ass faces teeth out I feel betrayed and like my life is falling apart around me. We are going to see a councilor next week but its almost as if I see her trying to find reasons to leave. I know she holds so much resentment over the financial burden I placed on her and the lack of attention I showed her.

 

Is there any way I can save this?

[DKT3]

Can you save it? Honestly, not likely. What you can do it save yourself. Don't accept the his behavior at all. If she has doubts all of a sudden its 100% because she believes he is a better option. Remove yourself from the situation, shouldn't be too difficult without kids. Stand strong and don't allow her to yo-yo. Its likely she has been deeply involved with this guy for some time, maybe not physically but definitely emotionally.

 

The best thing you can do is move towards divorce, if your wife is living a fantasy it will shake her loose, if not then you're heading towards divorce. Otherwise you will become very miserable while she explores the situation with the other guy under your nose, while making you think she is confused and trying to figure it out.

[PegNosePete]

First you need to get the truth.

 

Wives do not tell their husbands about their crushes. They do not tell their husbands when they are having "feelings" for someone at work. How do you think those feelings developed? I guarantee you my friend, you are not even getting the tip of the iceberg here. I would bet my bottom dollar that they have already cheated physically and I am not talking about a quick kiss.

 

This is called Trickle Truth and it is extremely common. She is telling you the most diluted, watered down version of the truth that she thinks she can get away with. I guarantee you, it has gone much, much further than you think.

 

If I were you I'd go full on sleuth mode in order to get to the bottom of this. Check your phone bill. Check her phone, her social media, her email. Put a VAR under her car seat. Don't let on that you're monitoring her otherwise it will all go straight underground. You need to gather your evidence without her knowing. And if you don't find any, it doesn't mean she's not cheating, it just means she's good at hiding it! Yes she is guilty until proven guilty. In these circumstances, they are always guilty, guaranteed!

 

Meanwhile tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that if she wants to remain your wife she must cease all contact with this guy starting NOW. There is no thinking time, no 14 day cooling off period, no second chance. She must choose to honour her wedding vows, or to break them, right there and then.

[BluesPower]

No this marriage is done...

 

You know, if you don't get a business going in 6 years, then it is time to call in the dogs. You did something wrong.

 

Further, you need to actually know what is going on, this sounds like trickle truth to me.

 

Frankly, I think that you have kind of blown this, not that her affair is your fault, that is on her.

 

You screwing around with the business for 6 years that is your fault. The IRS gives you 5 years.

 

So this is done, stick a fork in it...

[stillafool]

You are doing right by not groveling and begging her. That will make you appear weak to her and will definitely turn her off. Be firm about what you want from her and don't accept less regardless of what she says. You have to be ready and willing to give her up in order to gain ground. She is fooling herself if she thinks that man is going to throw his wife away and be with her. This is not the first time he's cheated and he's still with his wife so obviously she isn't quick to let him go. You should find out who his wife is and contact her. Trust me, she will police them far better than you ever could. She needs to know that her husband is back at it and she won't be happy. When faced with losing his wife it might very well take his attention off your wife. Eat good, work out and take care of yourself because you have a bumpy road ahead of you.

[MWC BlondeKim]

Hello

 

I am not one for rushing into either marriage or divorce.

 

You admit shortcomings on your end of holding up the marriage and your wife is in the same category

 

I suggest you both take a step back for about 2 months self reflect, find what you want along with your wife. Let cool heads prevail

 

Yes she probably did sleep with her male friend but you being inattentive to her needs is a contributing factor yet does not validate her having sex with him

 

2 months is a blink of eye in a course of a lifetime. Avoid thinking what if’s years from now if you rush into the divorce option

 

Be true to yourself and fair to your wife by being level headed and avoid knee jerk reactions

[PegNosePete]

I suggest you both take a step back for about 2 months self reflect, find what you want along with your wife. Let cool heads prevail

 

Yes she probably did sleep with her male friend

If she did sleep with him then 2 months break is the worst idea. She will use it as a 60 day money back test drive of the new guy.

[stillafool]

If she did sleep with him then 2 months break is the worst idea. She will use it as a 60 day money back test drive of the new guy.

 

^^^^This exactly! If she wants a 2 month break it is definitely to be available for the OM and try out a relationship with him. Call his wife.

[TehGman]

You are doing right by not groveling and begging her. That will make you appear weak to her and will definitely turn her off. Be firm about what you want from her and don't accept less regardless of what she says. You have to be ready and willing to give her up in order to gain ground. She is fooling herself if she thinks that man is going to throw his wife away and be with her. This is not the first time he's cheated and he's still with his wife so obviously she isn't quick to let him go. You should find out who his wife is and contact her. Trust me, she will police them far better than you ever could. She needs to know that her husband is back at it and she won't be happy. When faced with losing his wife it might very well take his attention off your wife. Eat good, work out and take care of yourself because you have a bumpy road ahead of you.

 

First off thanks to everyone for the advice. To be honest I really don't think she has had a physical affair with him yet. And the guy's wife has no idea that he has already cheated once. This is something he revealed to my wife long before this situation happened. She never found out.

[Mr. Lucky]

If she wants a 2 month break it is definitely to be available for the OM and try out a relationship with him.

 

Unfortunately TehGman, this is almost always true. And since we're big on abbreviations and insider terms here, I'll lay it out for you clearly.

 

Your wife has lost respect for you since it's been years since you really stepped up and participated in the marriage. The only thing you have going for yourself is a degree of familiarity, hence her giving you a highly redacted version of events to keep you close-by, a Plan B in case the new relationship doesn't work out.

 

Doesn't mean all is lost, couples have come back from even more dire straits. But you should start making informed choices, including:

 

1). Exposing her crush to friends and family, including her partner's spouse.

 

2). Following the 180, explained here - https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

3). Taking steps to gain back the self-respect you seem to have surrendered.

 

Good luck, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TehGman]

Unfortunately TehGman, this is almost always true. And since we're big on abbreviations and insider terms here, I'll lay it out for you clearly.

 

Your wife has lost respect for you since it's been years since you really stepped up and participated in the marriage. The only thing you have going for yourself is a degree of familiarity, hence her giving you a highly redacted version of events to keep you close-by, a Plan B in case the new relationship doesn't work out.

 

Doesn't mean all is lost, couples have come back from even more dire straits. But you should start making informed choices, including:

 

1). Exposing her crush to friends and family, including her partner's spouse.

 

2). Following the 180, explained here - https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

3). Taking steps to gain back the self-respect you seem to have surrendered.

 

Good luck, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you. A good list of advice. I definitely haven't groveled or begged her to stay. I told her that the grass isn't greener and if she chooses to pursue a relationship with this other guy that it is 100% over for us. We won't be friends etc. She seemed to break up a bit too when I told her she'd have to give back the wedding ring since its a family heirloom. I told her that I know I screwed up and that I want to try to fix it and work on it as best as I can, but the ball is in her court now and she needs to decide what she wants and recognize that when she does choose its permanent and there are no take backs.

[MWC BlondeKim]

Mr TehGman:

 

What are your thoughts on a 60 day cooldown / stepback period. How would your wife feel about it?

 

Once upon a time the two of you were in love enough to get married. There most be something you and her can build upon

[stillafool]

First off thanks to everyone for the advice. To be honest I really don't think she has had a physical affair with him yet. And the guy's wife has no idea that he has already cheated once. This is something he revealed to my wife long before this situation happened. She never found out.

 

This is good information which means that the wife will probably threaten to leave him if not leave him and then your wife will find out how much she does not mean to the OM. He will fight to keep his wife, trust me. He may be smitten by your wife now but when faced with losing his wife he won't let her go so easily knowing he was the one who messed up his marriage. You have to find out how to reach his wife.

[stillafool]

Mr TehGman:

 

What are your thoughts on a 60 day cooldown / stepback period. How would your wife feel about it?

 

Once upon a time the two of you were in love enough to get married. There most be something you and her can build upon

 

This would mean 60 days for his wife to play a single woman and screw the MM 60 times.

[MWC BlondeKim]

Maybe is am being too much of an optimist here but every marriage goes through a difficult period or two and often the vast majority of the time smooth sailing with stability in the relationship follows

 

My hubby and I hit a rough patch in my marriage, without going into too much detail where him and I decided to step away from the marriage and figure out individually what we need to focus on and repair going forward. In hindsight we both needed to modify our outlook and priorities with faults in each of us. We agreed during this period we could date hubby opted not to and I did date other men. Long story short both hubby and I learned form that experience and more in love than ever.

 

So I am hoping and being optimistic for TehGman and his wife

[WorstFeelingEver]

TehGman, I agree with other posters. Expose MM to his wife. find out who he is, you can google anything now a days, on where he lives, address, phone # and his wife name.

 

Inform MM's wife, her husband is a snake, what he has done, & what he is currently doing to your wife. You have proof from your wife, he has cheated b4, & has not told his wife. MM wife will talk to an attorney, threaten divorce, & MM will come to his senses.

 

If MM's wife divorces him, he WILL LOSE close to everything: 401K, any pension, any savings, his fancy car, his house, (if he has kids) seeing his kids, every day, paying child support & he will probably pay his wife alimony as well. He WILL LOSE close to everything.

 

I also, bet my bottom dollar, MM will not leave his wife, once she finds out.

 

Good Luck.

[PegNosePete]

To be honest I really don't think she has had a physical affair with him yet.

Do you know how many times we hear that said on this forum? Almost every thread. And do you know how many posters come back a month or 2 months or 6 months later and say "you guys were right all along"? Almost all of them.

 

Sure there's a very small chance that you're the exception that proves the rule. But I wouldn't put money on it! It's certainly worth investigating to find out for sure.

 

And the guy's wife has no idea that he has already cheated once. This is something he revealed to my wife long before this situation happened. She never found out.

That's what she told you! Remember where you're getting this information from! In literary terms, she is an unreliable narrator. In fact I would bet money that the person he "previously cheated" with, was in fact your wife! You would be surprised how many times this happens. It's just a part of the trickle truth. A story she is telling you. Now, it's "he cheated before"... in a month time it'll be "oh by the way when he cheated before it might have been me.."

 

You need to get some real facts here!

 

the ball is in her court now and she needs to decide what she wants

So what did she choose?

Or you allowed her to not choose?

 

him and I decided to step away from the marriage and figure out individually what we need to focus on and repair going forward

That's fine if you're both on the same page.

 

OP's wife is actively involved with another man. The tactic you suggest will end in disaster.

Edited June 18, 2018 by PegNosePete

[Marc878]

Most all separations are used to try out the affair partner with the spouse out of the way.

 

Why let her choose? Maybe you should step up and do it.

 

As others have said the affair is already underway you like most are in denial.

 

Not informing the other mans wife is just helping them hide the affair which will enable it further.

 

You need to wake up. Living in fear of her leaving you will put you in worse shape. Besides she’s already gone

[Dreamer2017]

I agree with WorstFeeling,

 

You must contact the MM wife and give her all the information. Total exposure is needed for your wife to gain total clarity. I would do this ASAP.

 

Dreamer

[PegNosePete]

I'm not so sure his wife would believe OP. "My wife, who works with your husband, told me that your husband once cheated with someone"... kinda lacking in hard facts, and the OM will undoubtedly just say OP is just a weirdo insecure guy making drama. She won't divorce him, he won't lose his car or his house or his kids. In fact it won't achieve anything except setting up OP as a troublemaker, and alerting OM to cover his tracks better.

 

No, I don't think it's a good plan. Not yet, anyway. When you uncover the truth that your wife is engaged in an affair with him, definitely expose expose expose!

Edited June 18, 2018 by PegNosePete

[stillafool]

 

 

 

If MM's wife divorces him, he WILL LOSE close to everything: 401K, any pension, any savings, his fancy car, his house, (if he has kids) seeing his kids, every day, paying child support & he will probably pay his wife alimony as well. He WILL LOSE close to everything.

 

I also, bet my bottom dollar, MM will not leave his wife, once she finds out.

 

Good Luck.

 

^^Yes definitely he is putting his material possessions in jeopardy but on top of all of those things he does not want to lose her because in his own sick way he loves her for more than sex, unlike the others. These cheating men will have sex a number of times and not feel guilt; but when faced with THEIR wife laying down with another man they can't handle it. He would be putting his wife back in the dating pool if she leaves him and he doesn't like that. Once your wife finds out the other betrayed spouse is aware of the affair it will also put some fear in her. This woman might confront her.

[stillafool]

I'm not so sure his wife would believe OP. "My wife, who works with your husband, told me that your husband once cheated with someone"... kinda lacking in hard facts, and the OM will undoubtedly just say OP is just a weirdo insecure guy making drama. She won't divorce him, he won't lose his car or his house or his kids. In fact it won't achieve anything except setting up OP as a troublemaker, and alerting OM to cover his tracks better.

 

No, I don't think it's a good plan. Not yet, anyway. When you uncover the truth that your wife is engaged in an affair with him, definitely expose expose expose!

 

I think it wouldn't be wise for OP to tell MM wife about the previous affair. I think he should just tell her "my wife came home the other night and told me she has feelings for your husband (name). She told me he told her he has feelings for her too. My wife wants to separate. Do you know anything about this?"

 

OP just talk about your issue and tell the wife everything your wife said to you.

[Tonofbricks]

Why in the world would you want to be with someone you have to conjole and convince your the better option? I'm afraid when it's gone this far it's hard to reverse it. Think about it in very simplistic terms ...your wife has told you she has "feelings" for another man. That doesn't happen without some participation on her part, which she let happen. If that's something you can live with , by all means persue away. If not then run far far away...you'll waste some of the best years of your life while she "finds" herself.

 

Just fast forward a couple of years and you have two kids and all. She comes back to you saying the same thing. Now it's messy and your linked to her FOR EVER.... she's trying to show you the real her .... believe her

[StartingOver77]

Now I wish I had my original message. Long story short, you don't need to know why this is happening because it's happening. She isn't happy, you aren't happy. You have work to do for yourself, not her. Don't feel that you are inadequate for her because she is inadequate for you, bro. Drill that in your head and you'll be happy again. Grieve over this, but don't dwell on it. Eventually you'll need to realize all of her issues weren't enough for you. No need to hold on to the thought of the person you wish she was. As someone else has said, she is definitely showing you who she is. Let her go, bro. You can do so much better. Even if you have a hard time believing that, just know that you will someday. Life is too short but this woman will become a footnote. Sounds like you guys have always had an unhealthy relationship. No need to stay in it.

 

Speaking from experience.

Edited June 20, 2018 by StartingOver77

[TehGman]

Well its over. She left the house saying she needed some time. This was 2 days ago. Then she told me today over a text that she is done and wants a divorce. Of course I am devastated, but there is nothing I can do. She already has finances figured out, she wants me to get in contact with our landlord to get out of the lease.

 

We have a dog and she said she wants to share him, but I said either you get him or I do.. I don't want a situation where I ever have to interact with her again once everything is said and done, and moving all over will just stress the dog out.

 

I am sad, lonely, enraged, furious, anxious and somewhat relaxed all at the same time. It's crazy. Im 35 now and all I can think is it is too late to find someone new and have a family. How the hell will I ever trust another woman again? I feel like the last 9 years of my life has been a complete waste. My prime... gone.