Mooncloud Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 (edited) One of my close friends recently got married and I've become friends with his partner, we're both pretty similar in terms of our opinions on things and she's fun albeit a bit of a wallflower at times. She acts like I'm one of her closest friends although I'd like to say the same, we've only hung out in the presence of her partner and/or our wider friend group. They live too far away for us to just hang out opportunistically, so it's always a pre-planned event with other friends involved or because I'm staying at their house, her partner (who has been my friend for over 10 years at this point) will of course be present and be obliged to hang out too. I consider people close friends when I get to know them individually, and vice versa, and we can go out and do stuff together and build a bond rather than just talking (although that's good too) with a bunch of other people. Recently she started adding me to various social media channels, including one I barely use but I got a notification she'd added me so I've only been using it to chat to her. We were talking between all 3 on the go at times. I welcomed this because I'd like to get to know her more and it seemed like she was opening up to me a little on her own, but then about a week later she suddenly dropped out of our wider group chat. The notification was clear as day but nobody said anything, even her partner who's usually active on it daily went completely quiet for 2 or 3 days before eventually sending one message that didn't even acknowledge her exit while everyone else just completely ghosted. I was concerned but didn't want to make a point of it or pry when nobody else was so I sent her a pm on that chat, which is separate to the other apps she added me on, just asking if she was ok. A couple more days go by and she hasn't said a word so I sent a more light hearted gif on a different app along the lines of 'you ok?' I could see she hadn't been online in several hours but the next day my message had been read, still no response. She hadn't read my last message on the 3rd app since we were talking on it. At this point I was getting a little more annoyed/worried, she was clearly just avoiding talking but then what if something did happen and no one's saying anything? The fact not even her partner reacted was more confusing - I was running through scenarios in my head thinking maybe I just pissed her off or she's bored of me, or maybe she went away somewhere and I'm over reacting. I just left the ball in her court and waited until finally last night at about 11pm she messaged me on one of the other apps apologising but she needed some time off social media - I immediately got a bit annoyed thinking she was the one who added me on all these chats and spent the week talking to me only to drop me without warning, she must've known I'd be worried? Also, the fact that we've ranted to each other multiple times about our friends who flake out or stress us out by disappearing, only to do exactly that to me. Because it was late I decided to leave her message until the morning to sort out my thoughts, but half an hour later she's messaging me again with sad faces asking if she'd upset me - it's obvious I'd be upset! Just give me 5 minutes to process it before you start guilt tripping me for something you caused! I just don't understand why people are like this. Edited June 18, 2018 by Mooncloud Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 You are far too invested in your buddy's wife & her social media habits. So what she dropped off social media? It's social media not real life. She's only your friend because she married your friend. She's his wife. You communicate with him. You be nice to her when you see her with him but as for the rest of it, you seem far too invested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mooncloud Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 You are far too invested in your buddy's wife & her social media habits. So what she dropped off social media? It's social media not real life. She's only your friend because she married your friend. She's his wife. You communicate with him. You be nice to her when you see her with him but as for the rest of it, you seem far too invested. I agree with you, my issue is with the fact that she seemed very interested in chatting with me through these social media apps to the point of having multiple chats on the go at once, telling me a lot of personal things, and then all of a sudden dropping off without warning. It just made me wonder what the point of it all was, like she was suddenly investing in me and then gone and asking if she'd offended me, like she knew she'd done something wrong? Normally I respect people's privacy and wouldn't think twice about someone dropping off social media, that's their business, but this particular group of friends all live far apart and are very social-media centric. This girl has been on our group chat for something like 2 years and been fairly active on it too so it was odd to see her leaving without any explanation mere days after she was talking to me happily. I once accidentally left the group chat and her partner was pming me asking what happened minutes later, so for neither of them to give a heads up was equally odd. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Who cares? My goodness now you can't even have a few days of privacy without having to give an explanation to a group of people you may or may not even care about? This is madness. I wouldn't care if we all lived in a building side by side if I want to be alone I wouldn't explain anything. If you haven't heard I'm dead then just go on about your business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mooncloud Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 (edited) Who cares? My goodness now you can't even have a few days of privacy without having to give an explanation to a group of people you may or may not even care about? This is madness. I wouldn't care if we all lived in a building side by side if I want to be alone I wouldn't explain anything. If you haven't heard I'm dead then just go on about your business. To me it's not about invading someone's privacy, it's about setting up an expectation - in this case speaking exclusively via chat apps and social media - with someone who has referred to me as a close personal friend, and then responding (or not responding) in a way that caused me to worry unnecessarily - she herself was aware that her absence potentially upset me which goes a way to explaining how much she uses social media to communicate. I don't think it's uncommon these days for some people to only communicate with friends through direct messaging apps or social media so you get used to what's normal activity for them. And like I said, it wouldn't even be an issue if she hadn't been the one to start opening all these personal chats with me out of the blue. I would've been happy if she'd just said 'I had a break from it' that's cool, people do that all the time, but to then start framing it like she offended me and trying to make me feel guilty, the whole thing is just very weird. Edited June 18, 2018 by Mooncloud Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 I agree with you, my issue is with the fact that she seemed very interested in chatting with me through these social media apps to the point of having multiple chats on the go at once, telling me a lot of personal things, and then all of a sudden dropping off without warning. It seems to me that she finally decided to value her marriage more then these social media chats. She may have realized or had it pointed out to her that she was on a slippery slope to an EA so she wisely backed off. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 To me it's not about invading someone's privacy, it's about setting up an expectation - in this case speaking exclusively via chat apps and social media - with someone who has referred to me as a close personal friend, and then responding (or not responding) in a way that caused me to worry unnecessarily - she herself was aware that her absence potentially upset me which goes a way to explaining how much she uses social media to communicate. I don't think it's uncommon these days for some people to only communicate with friends through direct messaging apps or social media so you get used to what's normal activity for them. And like I said, it wouldn't even be an issue if she hadn't been the one to start opening all these personal chats with me out of the blue. I would've been happy if she'd just said 'I had a break from it' that's cool, people do that all the time, but to then start framing it like she offended me and trying to make me feel guilty, the whole thing is just very weird. I have friends I've known for years and we may go months without communicating because we both have busy lives; but when we do get together or talk it's wonderful. We don't need to be in constant communication; actually to say what? What is new since the last 2 hours that we talked? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mooncloud Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 It seems to me that she finally decided to value her marriage more then these social media chats. She may have realized or had it pointed out to her that she was on a slippery slope to an EA so she wisely backed off. Not sure what you mean by EA? But yes she may have had second thoughts and backed off which is fine, I'm just questioning why I was involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mooncloud Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 I have friends I've known for years and we may go months without communicating because we both have busy lives; but when we do get together or talk it's wonderful. We don't need to be in constant communication; actually to say what? What is new since the last 2 hours that we talked? Absolutely, I do too and I don't get it much either. Some people are just more comfortable communicating that way which I guess leads to some misunderstandings like in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 EA = emotional affair. She was disclosing personal things to you. Her primary source of emotional support should be her spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 EA = emotional affair. She was disclosing personal things to you. Her primary source of emotional support should be her spouse. True, but there are plenty of things better left girl to girl, and the husbands are more than happy to concede, even welcome it, if it helps keep the peace. OP, I gotta ask, is this the couple from the nightmare wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mooncloud Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 True, but there are plenty of things better left girl to girl, and the husbands are more than happy to concede, even welcome it, if it helps keep the peace. OP, I gotta ask, is this the couple from the nightmare wedding? I just made the biggest sigh remembering all of that drama, but yes it is the same couple. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 I just made the biggest sigh remembering all of that drama, but yes it is the same couple. LOL, you might have to accept that with them, you'll have a lifetime supply of drama. So sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 It seems to me that she finally decided to value her marriage more then these social media chats. She may have realized or had it pointed out to her that she was on a slippery slope to an EA so she wisely backed off. One of the ways women makes friends is though their hubbies. I think the wife is wise to keep her H's friend close, as opposed to playing the jealous spouse and insisting he cut OP off. It's actually kind of refreshing. An EA wouldn't jump straight to the front of my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 Based on MidWestUSA's answers, I'm missing something. I think I may be confused about Mooncloud's gender too. But still if the spouse of Mooncloud's friend disappeared from social media, so what? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mooncloud Posted June 19, 2018 Author Share Posted June 19, 2018 (edited) Based on MidWestUSA's answers, I'm missing something. I think I may be confused about Mooncloud's gender too. But still if the spouse of Mooncloud's friend disappeared from social media, so what? I'm female if that helps any. But yeah honestly I agree that it sounds weird, like who cares? I have friends who disappear off social media all the time, fact is I feel like she kind of made it my problem by reeling me in so to speak and then making a fairly public (on the group chat) exit and then not responding for days despite her normal pattern being constantly chatting to me. It just seemed like a pull for attention. She did confess to me after that she's been having problems with her partner so maybe she was using me as a distraction. Edited June 19, 2018 by Mooncloud Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 You wonder if the friend is toying YOU around. Given that the friend has given up on the whole group, I don't think it's about you. There is something bigger going on. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 I'm female if that helps any. But yeah honestly I agree that it sounds weird, like who cares? I have friends who disappear off social media all the time, fact is I feel like she kind of made it my problem by reeling me in so to speak and then making a fairly public (on the group chat) exit and then not responding for days despite her normal pattern being constantly chatting to me. It just seemed like a pull for attention. She did confess to me after that she's been having problems with her partner so maybe she was using me as a distraction. This is a big clue. It's got nothing to do with you. She's too freshly married to be having trouble, and either she's embarrassed, or she realized speaking with others about it isn't the proper way to go. You'll just have to let it go. If she's a true friend, you'll hear from her down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
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