She needs time to think. Is she lowkey rejecting me?

[Xivian]

I've been playing an online game with this girl for a while and we really clicked together and eventually decided to confess our love to eachother. It was honestly really great and we talked a lot about meeting up and trying to date together in my country to check if our chemisyry would hold up irl. She was really into this thought until she suddenly tells me we are going too fast and that she is uncomfortable.

 

I was confused and hurt but I still respected her wish and backed off. I dont text her as often and she dosent text me anymore unless I initiate. She dosent say she loves me anymore and avoids to reciprocrate when I do.

 

She says she needs time and space to reevaluate things. I even proposed that I could be the one moving and while she wasnt opposed to the idea, it didnt seem to fix the problem either.

 

I feel she is scared of the commitment. And while I understand that meeting someone from the web is scary, especially when across the globe, I also am of the thought we should meet irl to really know eachother and understand if our feelings holds up. If it is real.

 

I think this hesitation is a red flag. But perhaps I -am- too clingy? I was indeed used to text her a lot but have restrained considerably since she expressed her discomfort. But it dosent seem to help and she still isnt telling me what I should do better. That she feels jarred from the whole thing.

 

I even asked her if she is serious about us and she told me she dosent know...Red flag. But I love her too much to just jump to conclusions and I feel like giving her this time and space she needs.

 

But how long should I reasonably wait, really? I've been in deep pain and I cry every once in a while for her. But she dosent seem to feel nearly as strongly for me or as convinced.

 

Or maybe it's a confidence issue that she needs to think about? I really dont know what to think or do..

 

I am in the EU and she is in the US

 

We are both in our mid 20s

Edited June 18, 2018 by Xivian

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she realized that committing to someone she has never met and who lives half a world away isn't a good idea. Perhaps she has met someone in real life and doesn't know how to tell you. Perhaps she has simply grown bored of an online fling.

 

I realize you like her, but in practical terms, you don't actually know her very well. That kind of knowledge and intimacy only comes with quality time spent together in person, and as it stands, she isn't open to the idea of meeting and seeing where things go.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I think you will need to be prepared to let go of this.

[d0nnivain]

She has enjoyed flirting with a stranger through a shared connection -- this game.

 

Getting together sounds sweet but the logistics are a nightmare & she's realizing that this is not realistic so she's pulling back. She does not want to emotionally invest in something that may never happen.

 

You don't "love" somebody you only know virtually. She's wise to play this very coolly while she decides if it's even worth the risk.

[Xivian]

I would honestly be willing to change my life and move to her altogether if our dates went well.

 

But if she dosen't give me signs that she is willing to date me when I come over, how can I feel safe doing that?

 

I feel that the logical solution would be to take my cue and leave..She dosen't love me back.

 

But this is a matter of the heart and I greatly struggle doing that. I dont feel ready taking back the large chunk of me I offered. I keep hoping she will change her mind and invite me over but it wont happen, will it? It was too good to be true.

 

This would have been the first tine someone noticed me romantically and seriously..Not.

[bathtub-row]

Changing your life and uprooting yourself for someone you really don’t know puts a LOT of pressure on the relationship. It’s an instant obligation to make it work out - no matter how much you say that it’s not expected. I completely understand why she has backed off.

[Xivian]

Thing is I never meant to jump into the life changes right away for either of us. I simply wanted to date irl a few times a year. -Then- make plans.

 

It could not be sustainable as a pure online relationship in the first place without doing such and if it cannot survive a plan for the first few try out dates, then yeah I guess she dosen't like me enough to try? Whatever it is, I feel like my self esteem took a nosedive. I am certanly not blameless for jumping into thr fray so quickly but I wouldn't have had an issue with waiting even years to get comfortable enough to travel..

[d0nnivain]

Thing is I never meant to jump into the life changes right away for either of us. I simply wanted to date irl a few times a year. -Then- make plans.

 

It could not be sustainable as a pure online relationship in the first place without doing such and if it cannot survive a plan for the first few try out dates, then yeah I guess she dosen't like me enough to try? Whatever it is, I feel like my self esteem took a nosedive. I am certanly not blameless for jumping into thr fray so quickly but I wouldn't have had an issue with waiting even years to get comfortable enough to travel..

 

This is where you are off base. Most people want to see the person they are dating a few times per week.

 

 

If you are planning to be in her area anyway & would have gone there regardless of her existence, I'm sure she would find some time to go on a date with you but she may have no interest in dating a man long distance. You have to accept that geography may preclude this from becoming a reality.

 

 

Do you have any romantic prospects locally?

[Xivian]

Unfortunatley not because I have traveled to london recently. From Italy. I am currently in the process to relocate again to get closer to the job I found so I've been constantly changing districts and even towns. No time to settle or even make romantic bonds..So I will not have local options for quite some time.

 

Which is a can of worms of it's own..I am just now settling down in another country and not hers, which I imagine have made her ever more uncertain. I understand that. I just wish she could be more upfront about it so I could get some closure instead of..Constantly hoping we will rekindle our bond.

 

Even if I had local options..I am not comfortable dating rl girls while saying 'I love you' to another online. That is not who I am.

 

I get that ORL arent real commitments, but I pride myself in my emotional loyalty and I will stick with her even if she is probably seeking the words to end it..

 

Atleast I would know I was the best I could have been.

Edited June 18, 2018 by Xivian

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I've been playing an online game with this girl for a while and we really clicked together and eventually decided to confess our love to eachother. It was honestly really great and we talked a lot about meeting up and trying to date together in my country to check if our chemisyry would hold up irl. She was really into this thought until she suddenly tells me we are going too fast and that she is uncomfortable.

I was confused and hurt but I still respected her wish and backed off. I dont text her as often and she dosent text me anymore unless I initiate. She dosent say she loves me anymore and avoids to reciprocrate when I do.

 

She says she needs time and space to reevaluate things. I even proposed that I could be the one moving and while she wasnt opposed to the idea, it didnt seem to fix the problem either.

I feel she is scared of the commitment. And while I understand that meeting someone from the web is scary, especially when across the globe, I also am of the thought we should meet irl to really know eachother and understand if our feelings holds up. If it is real.

 

I think this hesitation is a red flag. But perhaps I -am- too clingy? I was indeed used to text her a lot but have restrained considerably since she expressed her discomfort. But it dosent seem to help and she still isnt telling me what I should do better. That she feels jarred from the whole thing.

 

I even asked her if she is serious about us and she told me she dosent know...Red flag. But I love her too much to just jump to conclusions and I feel like giving her this time and space she needs.

 

But how long should I reasonably wait, really? I've been in deep pain and I cry every once in a while for her. But she dosent seem to feel nearly as strongly for me or as convinced.

 

Or maybe it's a confidence issue that she needs to think about? I really dont know what to think or do..

 

I am in the EU and she is in the US

 

We are both in our mid 20s

 

Yes, she is lowkey rejecting you. I have had prob about 3 guys use this line on me, the 1st time I thought it was a legit thing. Later I learned this is an easy way out of a dating situation. Do not stay friends, let her have her space permanently. I have no respect for people who give hope to the situation just to slam the door on your face later.

[Xivian]

Yeah...She really did fed me false hopes as she used to say she was really confident about us. Until she wasn't, all of sudden.

 

I will wait a few weeks to see if the situation evolves then I will confront her about this. If she still isn't honest about her feelings I will end it right there.

[preraph]

She has common sense and knows this online thing is just a fantasy. You can't know someone online. She doesn't want you coming over and then feeling obligated to date you. What if she immediately doesn't like something about you? Then she is kind of stuck. She doesn't want to be stuck. She was just having fun on the internet. She also likely has a real life you aren't privy to and is more interested in developing that.

[fredflint]

You went too fast with her. You can't usually successfully declare "love" to someone that quickly, especially never having met. It scared her off. Consider this a life lesson. If you have another online relationship, slow down your ideas of love and commitment considerably.

[Xivian]

That all makes sense and I am going to slow down and completely stop talking about irl dating and coming over. I really do care bout what she think is best for her and us even if she dosent explicitly express what that is outwardly.

 

I am assuming the problem is indeed that I have been rushing it to the irl meetup, so I will stop that immediatley and slow down with the advances. Hopefully that will proove her that I am hearing her concerns.

[ldrhealer]

If it's meant to be it will be and the two of you should be able to work something out but if she's not budging then there's nothing you can do but accept and better to move on.

[Sunlight72]

That all makes sense and I am going to slow down and completely stop talking about irl dating and coming over. I really do care bout what she think is best for her and us even if she dosent explicitly express what that is outwardly.

Good. But, instead of keeping her in your periphery as a future relationship, please understand this one is not for you. She just isn't interested for real. She thought she was, but she was fooling herself, and thereby fooling you too.

 

You should instead work on filling up your real life with in-person activities. You could greatly benefit from social activity in your real life, where you live. Please consider this.

I am assuming the problem is indeed that I have been rushing it to the irl meetup, so I will stop that immediatley and slow down with the advances.

Um, no that's not the actual problem. Meeting soon is actually a good thing (I think), especially for you.

 

The problem is how serious you think things are, before you have clear indications from the woman.

 

What you should change (with future women, as you will certainly meet other women in the future), is to more carefully move through stages of attachment. Only proceed to the next stage after you see both you and the woman have both chosen to enter the current stage, and are enjoying being there.

 

I wish you well, and mean to be helpful here.

 

Stages;

 

 

- You two happen to meet online or in person, enjoy chatting & flirting (making jokes that include romance or sexy attraction humor). You two should be sometimes touching each other on the arm, leg, holding hands, etc.

Day one to week 2 or 4.

 

- You both continue to make plans for your own lives, NOT TOGETHER, and do those things, and talk or meet for coffee or dinner, and tell each other stories of what you have done NOT TOGETHER since you last saw each other. You two should still be touching each other while smiling or laughing, and maybe now it includes also touching the shoulder, back, and putting your arm around each other when you walk somewhere. And you should kiss her cheek if you like, and pull her close to you for one or two seconds and let her go. And, you should kiss her lips during the beginning or middle of the date. For a few seconds, and smile, and let her go. If things have gone great, maybe more than kissing.

Week 2 to week 6.

 

- You now understand better what she likes to do, that you also like to do. You start to look for activities (go to the park, the opera, movies, dinner, classical music, pop music, etc.) coming soon, and invite her to these events. Sometimes she is busy, and you go with your other friends or by yourself. Sometimes she is free and says yes, and you go together. When you are together, more with the touching, holding each other (meaning you put your arm around her sometimes, and sometimes you stand close to her but do not put your arm around her, and wait and see if she comes to you of her own choice and touches you, or hugs you, or holds your hand. If she does not, check in with yourself and see - does she really like you? Or do you just hope she likes you?). When the times are right, more than kissing. Clothes off sometimes.

Week 4 or 6 to week 10

 

- Now you start making plans together regularly, like one or two times per week, and talking and texting/messaging in between. You should both be very comfortable with being close when you are together, and think about each other often. Kissing and touching with clothes on often, and clothes off often when you are alone.

Week 10 to 4 months or 6 months

 

- Now you both start to consider changing your schedules to make it easier to spend more time together.

Now you are somewhere near 4 or 6 months of your first IN PERSON dating.

 

(there is no substitute for this time IN PERSON. This is where you are acting you have arrived with this online woman. But you haven't arrived here. You are jumping 6 months past your first date. This is why the online woman is pulling back. Please understand - just because you have one date, the 6 months does not run. 6 months of dating the whole time IN PERSON before you consider changing your schedules. Another several months more of IN PERSON dating before you consider moving somewhere to be together)

 

- 10 months or 18 months after you started dating, things are still good between you both. Now you start considering if one of you should follow the other one if you have to move for work or family. Also - perhaps in this time period you begin considering marriage if you are both interested in marriage in your lives.

 

Do you see? The first many, many In Real Life meetings are just meetings. Do that soon. That is not your problem - you are right to want to meet soon.

 

Your problem is that you are considering moving across the world and basically getting married. BUT You Have Not Even Met Once Yet.

 

You are much too serious. Much too willing to change your life. That should not be something you consider for a year after meeting and dating Many, Many times.

 

This woman can tell - you don't have any standards. You haven't chosen her because you two have spent many wonderful days , weeks, and months together.

Hopefully that will proove her that I am hearing her concerns.

No, you're not hearing her concerns. Her concerns are that you picture being married. She wants only to consider meeting IRL. Nothing more. Only meeting IRL, if it is convenient because you will be near each other for some other reason.

 

There is no reason for you to be close for work or family, so there is no causal reason. She does not want to meet with you IRL to try a relationship. Once she realized how serious you are, she decided She Does Not Want To Meet You In Real Life. No.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[Xivian]

I broke it off.