I finally blocked him. For good.

[Jk1990]

This is a long story..

 

I'm in a 3 year relationship. About a year ago I had an emotional affair with a coworker that became physical and then romantic. I almost left my boyfriend for the coworker. Developed really strong feelings for the coworker. I decided I really loved my boyfriend and we wanted to make things work. Coworker left the company this past April. I've spent the past several weeks trying to gain some closure and move on. I'm trying to fix my relationship and focus on my boyfriend.

 

I finally told the former coworker that I'm blocking him for good. Over the past several weeks I tried telling him to stop contacting me, I ignored him, I even bothered to get on the phone and vent and cry my frustration just to alleviate all the hate and sadness I was carrying around in my heart and end it on a positive foot. I told him I NEEDED him to stop contacting me. He agreed that he would. And he still had the nerve to tell a fellow coworker this past weekend to say hi to me and asked her how I was doing. It seems a trivial thing. But it set me off completely. It brought back all the feelings I've been trying so hard to bury.

 

I feel like this guy just won't let me go. Ever since he left the company and we finally ended the affair, he kept reaching out every other week. No matter what I said to him.

 

I should have told him I was blocking him immediately after he left the company. I realize that now. But I don't think I was emotionally over the affair at that time. It's taken many weeks to step away and I'm still struggling. But it is OVER now. I am done. I don't think my mind or heart can handle any more.

 

I want to fix my broken relationship. My boyfriend loves me unconditionally and has stuck by my side through all of this garbage. I am truly lucky to have him in my life. I am trying so hard to focus on my love for him and all the hope for our future together.

 

What kills me is after blocking the coworker, I cried. I felt awful. I felt cold and heartless and cruel. I didn't give him a chance to respond. I truly cared for the guy. I still care for him to a point. Before we got into the affair he was a friend. That's the absolute worst part. I miss having him as a friend. But we will never be friends again. And in reality, he disrespected me from the get go by getting involved with me, knowing I had a boyfriend. He is 10 years my senior, in a relationship himself with two children. He should have known better. I should have known better myself.

 

I feel so guilty for all these emotions. I just want to turn off my feelings. I'm exhausted. I also feel incredibly self absorbed, selfish, and ashamed. I've hurt my boyfriend and our relationship very much. I just hope that now that the ties have finally fully been cut with the coworker I can move on.

 

Any input or insight is welcome. Thanks for reading.

[Marc878]

Realize that he was only taking what you were giving him.

 

No contact is up to you not him.

[Jk1990]

You are so right, Marc. I fully realize that now. I gave him way too much. Should have gone no contact a long time ago.

[Marc878]

Now use that realization to steel your resolve for NC

[Jk1990]

That is definitely the plan. I just wish it were easier. It's tough to ignore the feelings I had for the guy. However, my love for my boyfriend supersedes anything I felt for the coworker. And that's what I will focus on.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry I hate to do this ...

 

But I would make sure you are not ambivalent about your bf. If breaking things off with this guy at work is THAT HARD for you ... makes me wonder if you're really into your bf.

 

Don't get me wrong ... I sense that you admire boyfriend ... that you feel you wronged boyfriend ... I sense you feel boyfriend showed character by forgiving you ... I sense that boyfriend might have integrity that office mate does not have.

 

But ... you had the affair ... which shows something was amiss with you and boyfriend ... And I'm just worried that your guilt is leading you to want to feel stronger about boyfriend than you really do.

 

Because you keep saying ... bf is such a good person. If you were totally turned on by him and tuned into him, you wouldn't need to say that.

 

Just asking.

[Jk1990]

I'm sorry I hate to do this ...

 

But I would make sure you are not ambivalent about your bf. If breaking things off with this guy at work is THAT HARD for you ... makes me wonder if you're really into your bf.

 

Don't get me wrong ... I sense that you admire boyfriend ... that you feel you wronged boyfriend ... I sense you feel boyfriend showed character by forgiving you ... I sense that boyfriend might have integrity that office mate does not have.

 

But ... you had the affair ... which shows something was amiss with you and boyfriend ... And I'm just worried that your guilt is leading you to want to feel stronger about boyfriend than you really do.

 

Because you keep saying ... bf is such a good person. If you were totally turned on by him and tuned into him, you wouldn't need to say that.

 

Just asking.

 

 

You’re not wrong. The affair happened for a reason.my bf and i have had issues in the past, especially when the affair started. There was a lack of intimacy and overall lack of communication. I unfairly thougt he should automatically know how to be a skilled and attentive lover without any direction from me. He’s not very experienced. The coworker was to put it simply, VERY experienced. He made it easy for me, I didn’t have to do any work. It’s not the case with my boyfriend. We have talked about it and have agreed to work on communicating. I need to work on being comfortable guiding him to do the things i like. I also want him to feel confident that he’s able to turn me on.

 

I can’t compare the two men. They are very different people. However, i am confident that if I stop being so selfish and frankly, so lazy, in this relationship, we can mend what’s broken.

 

I just need the coworker to leave me alone. It would be a miracle if more than two weeks went by without hearing from him in some way. Every time that happens it sets me back getting over him. Because yes, getting over him and the way he has made me feel has been immensely difficult. But i didn’t feel real love with him. Not like the love i feel for my boyfriend. That is why i’m not giving up on my relationship.

[stillafool]

I feel you need to be alone to get over this guy and move on to someone you are in love with because it isn't your boyfriend. You are using him as a crutch and it's not fair. Good you blocked the other guy but you are clearly not over him though he seems to have moved on fine that is why he told your friend to tell you hi.

[Jk1990]

I feel you need to be alone to get over this guy and move on to someone you are in love with because it isn't your boyfriend. You are using him as a crutch and it's not fair. Good you blocked the other guy but you are clearly not over him though he seems to have moved on fine that is why he told your friend to tell you hi.

 

Me leaving my boyfriend would be me giving up on the relationship. I love him and I want to be with him. He feels the same for me. We’re working through our issues together.

 

And no, I’m not over the other guy. That’s why I need no contact with him. If I had wanted to, I could have been with him. But I don’t want to. However that doesn’t negate the fact I grew to care for him. Im just trying to detach myself emotionally from him so I can focus on my relationship.

 

If I can’t get over these feelings, I’m not sure my relationship will get better. But I’m not giving up now.

[Jk1990]

I just have to comment on a theme of posters on this website... everyone really seems to be a fan of breaking up and ending relationships. I wonder if that’s just a common theme in society in general these days. Hence why so many marriages end in divorce.

 

I’m not planning on being part of a statistic.

 

Not sure I’m going to get an comfort, clarity, or closure from posting here if everyone’s solution is just to walk away. It’s incredibly disheartening. I suppose that’s what happens with objective strangers on the internet.

 

Not saying I don’t appreciate the comments and advice. Just wondering why everyone seems to want relationships to fail if they’re not perfect. Or if the people in them are struggling. Nothing in life is as black and white as people seem to want to believe and get others to believe too.

[nospam99]

I just have to comment on a theme of posters on this website... everyone really seems to be a fan of breaking up and ending relationships. I wonder if that’s just a common theme in society in general these days. Hence why so many marriages end in divorce.

 

I’m not planning on being part of a statistic.

 

Not sure I’m going to get an comfort, clarity, or closure from posting here if everyone’s solution is just to walk away. It’s incredibly disheartening. I suppose that’s what happens with objective strangers on the internet.

 

Not saying I don’t appreciate the comments and advice. Just wondering why everyone seems to want relationships to fail if they’re not perfect. Or if the people in them are struggling. Nothing in life is as black and white as people seem to want to believe and get others to believe too.

 

There also seems to be a lot of sentiment on this board of 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. (You haven't said explicitly, but you have strongly implied that you cheated on your bf with the coworker.) Yes, a lot of posters here believe (not necessarily 'want') certain relationships are doomed. And one of the main factors in that judgement (along with abuse) is cheating. Be careful about where you throw your rocks.

[Imajerk17]

I remember your thread from a year ago. Basically you ignored every bit of advice you got there. I am sorry but I have no idea how your boyfriend puts up w a girlfriend who disrespected and cheated on him as you did.

 

If your boyfriend were on here asking for advice we'd tell him to dump you and move on, find a woman w integrity!

[Jk1990]

There also seems to be a lot of sentiment on this board of 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. (You haven't said explicitly, but you have strongly implied that you cheated on your bf with the coworker.) Yes, a lot of posters here believe (not necessarily 'want') certain relationships are doomed. And one of the main factors in that judgement (along with abuse) is cheating. Be careful about where you throw your rocks.

 

Yes I did cheat. It was a physical and emotional affair. The “once a cheater, always a cheater” mentality is really tricky. The coworker is actually a serial cheater. He cheated with me. And he’s cheated on his partner many times before. That’s why I won’t date him. Does that make me a hypocrite? In the eyes of most, yes. I’m aware of it.

 

So if we look at my relationship with the same critical eye, then my boyfriend should leave me because I’m a cheater and maybe he can’t trust me. I actually gave him the choice to walk away. And he wouldn’t. He chose to stay. He forgave me. Did I deserve it? No. But the fact that he doesn’t want to give up gives me hope that we can get through this and be happy together.

 

So now I am just trying to move on with my life, with my relationship, and let go of the past. I’ve cried many many tears of anger, sadness, shame, and confusion. I’m tired.

I want my life back.

[Jk1990]

I remember your thread from a year ago. Basically you ignored every bit of advice you got there. I am sorry but I have no idea how your boyfriend puts up w a girlfriend who disrespected and cheated on him as you did.

 

If your boyfriend were on here asking for advice we'd tell him to dump you and move on, find a woman w integrity!

 

I own my mistakes. Yes, I was weak, I gave in, I cheated and disrespected my boyfriend. I don’t need you to point that out.

 

A woman with integrity? A woman with integrity is someone that knows she did wrong, made the wrong choices, is now paying for those choices, and wants to do better for it. If I didn’t have any integrity, I would feel no remorse for what I did and wouldn’t bother to change to become a better person.

 

Also, I gave my boyfriend the choice to leave me and he decided to stay. He said he loves me and doesn’t want to give up.

[Imajerk17]

Yes I did cheat. It was a physical and emotional affair. The “once a cheater, always a cheater” mentality is really tricky. The coworker is actually a serial cheater. He cheated with me. And he’s cheated on his partner many times before. That’s why I won’t date him. Does that make me a hypocrite? In the eyes of most, yes. I’m aware of it.

 

You make your boyfriend sound like Safe Choice, a good Plan B. So if your coworker did not have all this baggage you'd be with him (your coworker) over your boyfriend? That is what your above paragraph implies. That has to make your boyfriend feel real special! Not....

 

And, what are you doing to make it up to your boyfriend?

Edited June 19, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Jk1990]

You make your boyfriend sound like Safe Choice, a good Plan B. So if your coworker did not have all this baggage you'd be with him (your coworker) over your boyfriend? That is what your above paragraph implies. That has to make your boyfriend feel real special! Not....

 

And, what are you doing to make it up to your boyfriend?

 

Actually no. I really don’t have much in common with the coworker. We couldn’t even have a conversation. We don’t share the same values or goals in life, nor are we even in the same phase in life.

 

However my boyfriend and I have many things in common, we have a lot of fun together, we both want the same things from life and share similar values.

 

I am showing him more effort. I’m giving him affection, verbal and physical. I’m being a more attentive partner. I’m showing him I love him and I’m thankful and grateful for him. I like to cook for him and come up with unique gifts for his birthday that I think he’ll really love.

I make sure I’m present to support him when he’s going through really hard times, like when a family member recently passed away. I went to the wake even though I have fairly bad social anxiety, especially during those kind of situations. But I wanted him to know I’m there for him no matter what.

 

That’s what our problem was before. I was passive and very self absorbed. I wasn’t thinking about HIM. Now I am trying to focus on him and making him happy. Instead of just looking to make myself happy.

[Malin889]

How did it start if you don’t mind me asking? You said you love your boyfriend which is great, but what made you start an affair to begin with? And what made you end it? Because you stopped working together?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Your story sounds like my ex's story!

Blood, sweat, and tears but no glory!

No chance, ever, for a relationship again,

Hope he was worth it, your coworker friend.

[Jk1990]

How did it start if you don’t mind me asking? You said you love your boyfriend which is great, but what made you start an affair to begin with? And what made you end it? Because you stopped working together?

 

It started because I was feeling a lack of connection with my boyfriend. We weren’t intimate very often. We were both busy and didn’t see each other much. I think I was feeling lonely and unhappy at the time.

 

The coworker was someone I car pooled with and developed a friendship with. He started hitting on me and sending me flirty messages. I tried resisting and telling him to stop. Then I started enjoying the attention and reciprocating. It escalated from an emotional affair to a physical one.

 

I eventually started feeling awful. Dirty and ashamed for betraying my boyfriend. I tried to distance myself. But the feelings that had developed made it even more messy. The coworker admitted he was in love with me. I was totally caught up in it and didn’t know how to get out. I knew I wanted to be with my boyfriend but the coworker just wouldn’t leave me alone. Him leaving the company was the best thing to ever happen because I finally didn’t have to see him 5 days a week.

 

Since then I’ve been trying (failing) to end all contact and get over any feelings for him.

[Jk1990]

Your story sounds like my ex's story!

Blood, sweat, and tears but no glory!

No chance, ever, for a relationship again,

Hope he was worth it, your coworker friend.

 

Nice rhyming. My boyfriend and I are still together, trying to work it out

[RideTheLightening]

It started because I was feeling a lack of connection with my boyfriend. We weren’t intimate very often. We were both busy and didn’t see each other much. I think I was feeling lonely and unhappy at the time.

 

Since then I’ve been trying (failing) to end all contact and get over any feelings for him.

 

This generally says bad things about your BF. I got cheated on a few times when I was very young. Afterwards I became a hard guy. I've noticed that now when women date me they focus on me and struggle to be interested in other men.

[Imajerk17]

OP you sound incredibly naive. I just don't think you have much idea of the damage you REALLY caused, and what you are going to have to do to fix this.

 

1. Your boyfriend is even MORE hurt and more angry at you than he is letting on. His masculinity just took an enormous hit. If he hasn't called you nasty names yet, brace yourself, he will. He may try sweeping this all under the rug, but the hurt and anger is still there. It will take YEARS of effort on your part to get past that.

 

2. And on a related note, he has to wonder if you would still be with OM (Other Man) if OM didn't have his baggage, if you and he had just a bit more in common, if OM was closer in age, ect.

 

And he has to be wondering if you will cheat again, if you just don't have the integrity/boundaries--or enough attraction to your boyfriend!--to stay faithful. I mean, other guys will hit on you by some point.

 

3. You expect OM to go away just because you told him so and blocked him?? You already told him before you had a boyfriend but that didn't stop him. Why would this time be any different. Anyway OM is NOT going away. He knows he got past your defences before and this time he has a hold on you. Instead he is going to keep ramping up his effort. And as far as your boyfriend is concerned, all of OM's efforts to re-establish contact will be blamed on YOU.

 

 

 

You caused an enormous amount of damage, and I am not sure you really are up for fixing things. If you are, then you better brace yourself, as things will likely get worse before they get better. You are going to have to, at the very least, cut off any friend who tries to keep OM in touch with you. You might even have to switch jobs. And cut off mutual friends, period. As mentioned before, this will indeed be extremely difficult.

 

It truly is sad you didn't listen to the posters in your thread last year.

 

I wish you well.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Imajerk17

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Deflection from the guilt of being too weak to say no while in a relationship? Check

Blame shifting to the other dude? Check

Keeping in contact with him? Check

Wanting to work it out with boyfriend after cheating? Check

 

I don't think you have truly understood exactly what you did to ruin your relationship and no, I do not think you care.

 

You may fool other people, I'm calling it as I see it.

 

You want to reconcile with your boyfriend, the man you supposedly love? Start with understanding the impact of your betrayal to him. Then realize it's going to take a lot more than a simple "I'm sorry".

 

If he chooses to stay with you and work it out, then I guess be grateful for him and show him that each and every day because most dudes, including myself, would just use you until you left after **** like that happened.

Edited June 19, 2018 by DrReplyInRhymes

[Lotsgoingon]

Well I applaud you for being willing to think of your boyfriend and for your honest attempt to make that work.

 

I applaud you effort and commitment to going beyond your own selfishness.

 

And I will encourage you ... to make you take care of yourself and make yourself happy AS MUCH AS you take care bf and work to make him happy.

 

Thriving relationships have to have that balance. I just worry that you're swinging from one pole (selfish affair) to the other (focus on bf and making him happy).

 

You want to focus on yours and bf's happiness. So I'm only encouraging you to not let that guilt over the affair cloud out your own right to be happy. A good relationship has an element of self-interest and selfishness (I'm so happy to be with this person--I'm totally into them) ... and interest in the other person's well being.

 

I used to focus too much on making the other person happy ... and had to learn that my own happiness was quite legitimate and necessary. You might be balancing the other way.

 

Good luck.

[Jk1990]

OP you sound incredibly naive. I just don't think you have much idea of the damage you REALLY caused, and what you are going to have to do to fix this.

 

1. Your boyfriend is even MORE hurt and more angry at you than he is letting on. His masculinity just took an enormous hit. If he hasn't called you nasty names yet, brace yourself, he will. He may try sweeping this all under the rug, but the hurt and anger is still there. It will take YEARS of effort on your part to get past that.

 

2. And on a related note, he has to wonder if you would still be with OM (Other Man) if OM didn't have his baggage, if you and he had just a bit more in common, if OM was closer in age, ect.

 

And he has to be wondering if you will cheat again, if you just don't have the integrity/boundaries--or enough attraction to your boyfriend!--to stay faithful. I mean, other guys will hit on you by some point.

 

3. You expect OM to go away just because you told him so and blocked him?? You already told him before you had a boyfriend but that didn't stop him. Why would this time be any different. Anyway OM is NOT going away. He knows he got past your defences before and this time he has a hold on you. Instead he is going to keep ramping up his effort. And as far as your boyfriend is concerned, all of OM's efforts to re-establish contact will be blamed on YOU.

 

 

 

You caused an enormous amount of damage, and I am not sure you really are up for fixing things. If you are, then you better brace yourself, as things will likely get worse before they get better. You are going to have to, at the very least, cut off any friend who tries to keep OM in touch with you. You might even have to switch jobs. And cut off mutual friends, period. As mentioned before, this will indeed be extremely difficult.

 

It truly is sad you didn't listen to the posters in your thread last year.

 

I wish you well.

 

I am not unaware of any damage my choices have caused him and our relationship. Also, I do care. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t want to work on our relationship and move forward. As I already said, I gave my boyfriend the choice to leave. He chose to stay. I’ve had a long of things not work out for me in my life being I either didn’t work hard enough or gave up. This won’t be one of them.

 

I am completely aware of how careless, selfish, and disrespectful my behavior has been. It doesn’t make me feel good. I wanted to leave him because I felt he deserved better than me. But he didn’t want to leave. So yes, I am lucky that he has forgiven me. Do I think it will be easy to fix things? Of course not. Taking the easy way got me into this mess to begin with.

 

I know he’s angry and hurt and sad. But he also internalizes a lot of that and hides his feelings from me. I know in time they will come out. I just hope I will be able to instill his confidence in me. But I have no doubt that he truly loves me.

 

Do I know if he trusts me? I don’t know. I hope that working hard to keep my promises will build his trust back in me. It’s not an impossible task.

 

As far as OM? I’m done with him. Will he respect my wishes? Probably not. But he knows he can’t contact me. And people he knows that I still work with really aren’t friends. They’re coworkers. But it’s not like we talk much. Switching jobs has crossed my mind but as I’ve said in the past it’s not an easy or simple thing to do. If it was I could have avoided a lot of this.

 

It is a shame I didn’t listen. I’m kicking myself for it every day.

 

Thank you