Marital Abandonment on Valentine's Day

[ms_molecule]

So, here I am, four months removed from V day and finally ready to talk about the hell I've been going through. I sincerely hope no one can relate to this story. This has easily been the worst four months of my life. Here goes...

 

On Valentine's Day, while my 2 year old daughter and I slept, my husband of 3.5 years slipped out the back door and never came back. He gave no explanation. He left no note. When I woke up and found him gone, called him and asked what was going on, he hung up on me and blocked my calls. In the one conversation we had a couple of days later, he refused to answer any questions as to why he left (vaguely insisted that it was my fault but would not tell me what I had done), refused to address any financial matters, and only wanted to know when he could have visitation with our daughter. He moved in with his parents 40 miles away and his mother very much wanted to see her grandchild. That was his only concern.

 

I had been a stay-at-home mom for most of 3 years when he left. I was formerly a registered nurse, but my license expired early last year while I was tending to three children (out mutual daughter, my son from a previous relationship, and his son from a previous relationship) and the household. Last July, I discovered a passion for an artistic endeavor. I made a significant amount of money from it casually and unexpectedly one month and decided to start putting things in place to turn my passion into a legitimate home business. I was knee deep in the initial execution of my business plan when he walked out and since he was the primary wage earner, I was left financially destitute with two kids and all the bills.

 

A month and a half later, completely by accident, I logged into his Facebook account on my computer when I had intended to log into mine. I didn't even notice. I got up from the computer to go start dinner when the dinging started. Incessant dinging. I went in and looked to find that I had logged into his account by mistake AND he was in the middle of a conversation with a woman from work.

 

See, shortly after I made the decision to try and turn my hobby into a business, he had suddenly decided that he couldn't bear to work for the company he had been working for for six years, doing a job he loved, on hours that he chose for himself. He decided it would be best for him to take a job making less money with worse benefits and a schedule that he didn't particularly like.

 

The field office for the new job was a couple of states away and he traveled there for a few days in early November for orientation. I should have taken heed when he called to tell me he was done with his training early, but that he didn't feel like coming home and wanted to spend the rest of the time staying there on the company's dime. When the kids and I said we missed him and wished he would come home. he did....reluctantly. And when he walked in the door, was completely defensive and started a huge which culminated in him calling me a stupid f***ing b***ch. Turns out, he'd met his mistress during orientation.

 

So, back to the incessant dinging. I started reading what they were writing back and forth to each other...I love you's...I miss you's. I was floored...but not stupid. I figured out how to download his entire message history...420 pages worth of messages between them dating back to the day he left - hours before he left. At the time, they were planning a rendezvous in her town. They were trying to decide if he should fly or drive. 420 pages of future planning...pictures of them together (with my 2 year old daughter in tow)...looking at houses they want to buy....her sending him pictures of the engagement ring she wants...her threatening suicide and telling him what to wear and what not to wear....him swearing he's going to be her knight in shining armor and rescue her from her crappy relationship...her calling him her prince and him calling her his princess...talking about having a baby together. Keep in mind, this is within six weeks after he abandoned his marriage....Her telling him that if he wants to be with her, he needs to get right with God...and me thinking, "She does know adultery is a sin, right?"

 

First I sent him a text asking him how long he'd been cheating. He responded that I was crazy to even insinuate such a ridiculous notion. So I sent him a screenshot of his conversation. He went vicious, called me all kinds of names. Threatened to take my house and put the kids and I out on the street. He asked me just who in the hell I thought I was. In my head I was thinking, "Your wife, you idiot."

 

He went completely could shoulder after that. Acting as though I never even existed...and then he filed for divorce.

 

Now, I'm fighting for my life pro se because I am completely broke and now in debt up to my ears trying to keep the house and bills afloat with absolutely no assistance from him....while he pays no bills at his parents house and spends the bulk of his earnings on trips to see his mistress, hotel rooms, carriage rides through the city, theme parks and expensive dinners. His parents are paying for his lawyer. And I'm here calling the state legal aid office every other day and leaving a message for the lawyer who has been assigned my case. It's been 3 months and she has never returned a single phone call.

 

The bright side? I've finally approaching the last stage of the grieving process (mostly). I haven't sobbed for two whole days in a row now. That's a record for me.

[PegNosePete]

What a terrible thing to happen. I'm sorry you've been treated so badly.

 

At least you can contact him. It's better than if he disappeared completely.

 

If I were you I'd go to see a private lawyer. Most will do a free initial consultation so see 2 or 3. Presumably your husband earns a decent wage and you should ask the lawyer what can be done in the short-term to fund your living expenses, childcare, etc. Ask about interim maintenance. Don't assume you can't afford a lawyer... ask the lawyer how they can get paid from your husband's earnings. Your situation is not atypical. Many traditional nuclear families consist of a working husband and child-rearing wife, and the lawyer will have seen this situation many times before.

[WorstFeelingEver]

I am sorry you are going through this. It is an awful feeling, I know, I have been in similar situation with my x-wife, who had an affair with a MM. Sorry, but your husband had a physical affair with someone who thinks she is Christian! ("she wants your husband to get right with God?") <<<this is a sin.

 

What state are you in? Are you getting child support, for your child, from your formal spouse/boyfriend from previous relationship?

 

Do you have family, friends around to help you a little financially or help with taking care of your kids? If so, see if they can care for your kids, while you go to local courthouse, & sit in a divorce hearing. You can see how some attorneys work in action, maybe you can talk with a few to get some advice.

 

Then like PegNosePete stated, most divorce attorneys will give an hour free consultation, they will direct you to the right path. Your soon to Ex-husband will be paying you child support, for your biological child, and since you were a SAHM, status quo for 3 years, your husband will be paying you alimony as well. And since he took a lower paying job, he will be hurting as he will be paying a lot more then he was, while being married to you.

 

Also at the courthouse, you can see about filing a motion for temporary relief from your soon to be Ex. He will be on the hook for continuing to pay for rent/utilities.

 

Keep posting here, a lot of people with great advice will chime in soon!

 

Hang in there.

[Mr. Lucky]

The bright side? I've finally approaching the last stage of the grieving process (mostly). I haven't sobbed for two whole days in a row now. That's a record for me.

 

AS hard as this might be for you to understand and believe - you're one of the lucky ones. In fairly short order, you got an answer and insight into his true character (or lack thereof), something many BS never really receive.

 

Hope you have a good attorney and clarity as to the path forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

Call around and speak to some local divorce lawyers most offer initial free consultations and some will take your case on contingency- meaning they'll be willing to work for you now and get paid by your husband later.

 

 

He can and will be found liable for your legal bills. No need to settle for the crap the state gives you for free which is no returned phone calls for 3 months.

 

 

Pick up the phone and start calling. It's the path to greatly improved lives for you and your kids.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Normm

[Striver]

I don't know if you can force your H to pay legal bills. But a lawyer can probably force him to pay the household bills while you are still married. That is not kosher. One big reason why you need a lawyer ASAP.

 

Once you hire a lawyer, you will need to pay a retainer. Another reason why you need to force H to contribute to the household again. Beyond the retainer, you will have time to pay off the rest of your legal bills in installments.

 

Your H is behaving in a manner that can hurt his case in a settlement. He's abandoned the family home. Your kids are young, you are a SAHM. These are big points in your favor as far as custody and placement are concerned. Long term, you want the H participating in the raising of the kids. Short term, you have some leverage.

 

Definitely force H to get another job that pays what he is capable of earning.

 

If you want to be the woman scorned, what does the mistress do at this company? If she works in HR, was part of the recruitment or some supervisory role, maybe you could get her fired?

[ms_molecule]

Call around and speak to some local divorce lawyers most offer initial free consultations and some will take your case on contingency- meaning they'll be willing to work for you now and get paid by your husband later.

 

 

He can and will be found liable for your legal bills. No need to settle for the crap the state gives you for free which is no returned phone calls for 3 months.

 

 

Pick up the phone and start calling. It's the path to greatly improved lives for you and your kids.

 

Funny you should mention that.

 

I did try calling around. No free consultations were offered. Though, they did ask who opposing counsel was. When I told them, I was told in no uncertain terms to either pay thousands of dollars worth of a retainer or stop wasting their time and deal with it myself.

[ms_molecule]

I don't know if you can force your H to pay legal bills. But a lawyer can probably force him to pay the household bills while you are still married. That is not kosher. One big reason why you need a lawyer ASAP.

 

Once you hire a lawyer, you will need to pay a retainer. Another reason why you need to force H to contribute to the household again. Beyond the retainer, you will have time to pay off the rest of your legal bills in installments.

 

Your H is behaving in a manner that can hurt his case in a settlement. He's abandoned the family home. Your kids are young, you are a SAHM. These are big points in your favor as far as custody and placement are concerned. Long term, you want the H participating in the raising of the kids. Short term, you have some leverage.

 

Definitely force H to get another job that pays what he is capable of earning.

 

If you want to be the woman scorned, what does the mistress do at this company? If she works in HR, was part of the recruitment or some supervisory role, maybe you could get her fired?

 

I don't want to destroy anybody. I don't want to cause any more damage than has already been done. I don't need the guilt or the karma.

 

All I want is what is fair. And so that is all I intend to fight for. I plan to keep my integrity intact as much as possible in the process. If that means I lose, then so be it. I'll weigh my options if that becomes a definite possibility. Right now, it's all up in the air.

 

I have petitioned for spousal support and child support. A hearing for both is pending. I served opposing counsel with discovery requests a couple of weeks ago. My guess is he'll probably ignore them. He may even ignore the Golden Rule letter I've already drafted in preparation of his non-compliance...He may change his tune once I file the motion to compel and request for sanctions I have waiting on the printer in case he does decide to ignore the Golden Rule letter.

 

At this point, I am also considering a subpoena to the mistress for communication records and maybe even a deposition, if not an appearance to testify. I have her work address, so she shouldn't be difficult to serve...

[ms_molecule]

Also tossing around the idea of requesting that H be ordered to submit to testing for sexually transmitted infections since I have reasonable suspicion to believe that he may have engaged in extramarital sexual relations and therefore, may have put my health at risk.

Edited June 20, 2018 by ms_molecule