I caught feelings while flirting and it ruined everything

[nospam99]

Disclaimer (I do that): I haven't re-read the whole thread to be sure - but the title says it all: you fell for him and he liked you too.

 

I'm a still-horny old guy with traditional social values. I'm projecting myself into 'his' situation as YOU describe it. He is TOTALLY into you! He wants you to be his woman for the rest of his life and wants to sleep with you. But he is too sensitive to societal norms to cross the line beyond distant flirting. And he is rather emotionally conflicted about it - whats he wants vs what he thinks is acceptable and sustainable.

[Marley Rizzla]

I don't think there's anything wrong with dating someone older than you, however there are age differences in attitude and overall goals in life that you will never be able to move past. And even if they're not apparent now, they will be soon.

My advice is to move on. It may not feel this way now, but finding someone your age, or closer to your age, is precious and you will appreciate it later in life.

[stillafool]

My mother and I met him exactly at the same time, which was only a few years ago. She was, and still is, kind of crushing on him. They had some disagreements with how things are supposed to be with what we are doing (a volunteering organization) and they had a falling out. I am not sure he was ever aware she liked him. Whenever she tries to talk to him, he will turn to me if I say something, too. He does not really pay any attention to her, however, she noticed he paid quite a lot of attention to me.

 

I swear if I knew my Mother was crushing on a guy he would definitely be off limits for me. I wouldn't want to do anything that might hurt my Mother's feelings; but that's just me. Too many guys out there for me to even give it a second thought.

[LindseyKelk]

Disclaimer (I do that): I haven't re-read the whole thread to be sure - but the title says it all: you fell for him and he liked you too.

 

I'm a still-horny old guy with traditional social values. I'm projecting myself into 'his' situation as YOU describe it. He is TOTALLY into you! He wants you to be his woman for the rest of his life and wants to sleep with you. But he is too sensitive to societal norms to cross the line beyond distant flirting. And he is rather emotionally conflicted about it - whats he wants vs what he thinks is acceptable and sustainable.

Well, initially I thought he might have liked me. However, he would give me too many mixed signals (or what I perceive to be mixed signals - saying it is only fun to him but actively engaging in it for weeks and months in all kinds of situations). I am no mind reader and I feel that if he did indeed see more more as a friend, he could have been honest. It is risky for him, but it is just as risky for me too. So saying it is all a joke to him, and that he hopes it is also all a joke to me (and then saying he jokes about how attractive I am and uses the “joke” as an alibism, because he thinks he is not allowed to mean it). So even if he knew he could never like me, he was stringing me along until he decided he’s had enough. I could never act on my feelings because one second he would be nice and as soon as I would expeess my interest, he would back off and say our relationship is “fatherly”.

[LindseyKelk]

I swear if I knew my Mother was crushing on a guy he would definitely be off limits for me. I wouldn't want to do anything that might hurt my Mother's feelings; but that's just me. Too many guys out there for me to even give it a second thought.

Well, that is exactly why I am sayin I would never have anything with him. That’s the thing I was talking about, she would kill us both. But it’s not like I can choose to like or not like someone based on that. Sure, I am not acting on it and will not act on it, but I can’t help it. And she should not either, because she is a married woman. And he never expressed any interest in her, as far as I am concerned. I remember she used to think he was flirting with her when he praised the work she has done. He is a people person and would do that a lot with everyone, not just women. I have never seen, or heard him talking to anyone the way he did to me, for whatever reason.

[LindseyKelk]

I don't think there's anything wrong with dating someone older than you, however there are age differences in attitude and overall goals in life that you will never be able to move past. And even if they're not apparent now, they will be soon.

My advice is to move on. It may not feel this way now, but finding someone your age, or closer to your age, is precious and you will appreciate it later in life.

Yeah, it would never be anything long-term. I am aware of this. I am a realist and I still know it would never work, but if you like a person at some point you’re going to start to rationalize why it could, just one time. When I avoid him, it’s fine. As soon as I see him and we talk, I am back to rationalizing again, which I know is bad.

[stillafool]

Well, that is exactly why I am sayin I would never have anything with him. That’s the thing I was talking about, she would kill us both. But it’s not like I can choose to like or not like someone based on that. Sure, I am not acting on it and will not act on it, but I can’t help it. And she should not either, because she is a married woman. And he never expressed any interest in her, as far as I am concerned. I remember she used to think he was flirting with her when he praised the work she has done. He is a people person and would do that a lot with everyone, not just women. I have never seen, or heard him talking to anyone the way he did to me, for whatever reason.

 

None of this would matter to me if it were my mother, sister or best friend. I just couldn't hurt them. Again, just too many men to explore.

[preraph]

Yeah. There's literally a billion men in this world, but you let yourself get worked up over the one your mom had a crush on. Forbidden fruit, or you trust your mom's judgment?

 

I used to have a young girlfriend who would only go after men her friends had gone after or shown interest in. Oh, you like them. Okay, I'll like them too. Like she didn't have a brain of her own or at least trust herself to pick someone un-road-tested. Needless to say, she hasn't many friends left. But you know what, maybe she was right to not trust her own judgment, or maybe she trusted some other woman's judgment who had bad judgment, but she eventually had a child with a man you could tell on first meeting was immature and off, only to have him shoot himself in the head at her home later after she was no longer romantic with him.

 

All I can advise is that you stop hanging out with your parents and meeting people their age and start hanging out with friends your own age and dating age-appropriate men who none of your girlfriends has their eye on and is working on.

[LindseyKelk]

Yeah. There's literally a billion men in this world, but you let yourself get worked up over the one your mom had a crush on. Forbidden fruit, or you trust your mom's judgment?

 

I used to have a young girlfriend who would only go after men her friends had gone after or shown interest in. Oh, you like them. Okay, I'll like them too. Like she didn't have a brain of her own or at least trust herself to pick someone un-road-tested. Needless to say, she hasn't many friends left. But you know what, maybe she was right to not trust her own judgment, or maybe she trusted some other woman's judgment who had bad judgment, but she eventually had a child with a man you could tell on first meeting was immature and off, only to have him shoot himself in the head at her home later after she was no longer romantic with him.

 

All I can advise is that you stop hanging out with your parents and meeting people their age and start hanging out with friends your own age and dating age-appropriate men who none of your girlfriends has their eye on and is working on.

Uhm, no, I don’t go after people either my friends or my mum goes after. Ever.

 

In fact, I am not even remotely easily attracted to people. I’ve liked this guy since the moment we met, not because someone else liked him. I didn’t even know that was a thing unless you are a young teenager. Soooo.... no.

[LindseyKelk]

So guys, I wrote to him yesterday. I was nearby so I just said I thought of him as I was passing his place. He immediately replied, saying he’s glad I did not call (and to excuse his sarcasm). I joked saying yeah, luckily cause you probably waren’t at home. He told me his whole schedule to let me know he was at home. I just laughed. He proceeded to invite me to this event in a few days, and I said I didn’t know whether that’d be a good idea because I didn’t know anybody and although I always enjoyed the event, wouldn’t want to invite myself. He said he was inviting me and that that’s what he’d tell everybody. I said thank you, and that I’ll think about it. Then I joked more and said if this is how he’d asked me to go to the party, I’d have gone with him. Then he joked and said he would have if he knew he really had a chance. I said it’s why I had to ask other people to go with me (referring to the friend), and which point he got sort of salty.

 

All of a sudden he says, well, both of you can come to the event, you’re both invited, then jokingly adds, I’ll try to handle it somehow.... to which I said who? me myself and I? and he says well, if you are referring to him like that? .....Which i found strange, because he was the one mentioning him more. Was he jealous or what?

 

I said no, I thought you and I were still dating so I’ve been single for over a year now. And he goes wow I had not hoped for that anymore (obviously, not being serious at all)

 

So after a few months of not talking, it seems to me that my guy friend could have been the reason. Does it seem to you guys like it could have? Overall, I was happy we spoke.

[JDJ]

He proceeded to invite me to this event in a few days, and I said I didn’t know whether that’d be a good idea because I didn’t know anybody and although I always enjoyed the event, wouldn’t want to invite myself. He said he was inviting me and that that’s what he’d tell everybody. I said thank you, and that I’ll think about it. Then I joked more and said if this is how he’d asked me to go to the party, I’d have gone with him. Then he joked and said he would have if he knew he really had a chance. I said it’s why I had to ask other people to go with me (referring to the friend), and which point he got sort of salty.

 

All of a sudden he says, well, both of you can come to the event, you’re both invited, then jokingly adds, I’ll try to handle it somehow.... to which I said who? me myself and I? and he says well, if you are referring to him like that? .....Which i found strange, because he was the one mentioning him more. Was he jealous or what?

 

I said no, I thought you and I were still dating so I’ve been single for over a year now. And he goes wow I had not hoped for that anymore (obviously, not being serious at all)

 

So after a few months of not talking, it seems to me that my guy friend could have been the reason. Does it seem to you guys like it could have? Overall, I was happy we spoke.

 

 

Are you seriously still playing games like this?

 

He invited you to an event.

He told you that he would have wanted to go to the party with you.

He told you that he would want more if your boyfriend were not in the picture.

He likes you, he wants you.

But you are toying with him.

[LindseyKelk]

We have known each other for a few years but seeing as I was in a relationship we never really flirted heavily. I even rememeber thinking that this friend was always nicer to me than to anybody else around. It was funny that even before we started texting regularly, he would make sure I was okay no matter what I was going through.

 

It all changed after we spent a few days preparing this event together last summer. Now, I always found him attractive and liked him as a person but never thought of him as anything more, because I just could not see how he could ever like me romantically in return. I am also a rather flirty person apparently, the problem is that most times I do not realize I flirt with people, I think I am just being nice.

 

So we started texting every day after that event. Again, I thought nothing of it because I knew he was also kind of flirty (he’d wink at people, tease them etc.) or maybe I just heard he was really flirty although I have never seen him doing that to other people. One friend of ours in particular really liked him for some time, and I never asked what happened between the two of them, but she started to be really bitter and resentful towards him, being angry that he flirts a lot with everyone. I started to think that he has this way of talking to people and they often interpret it in the wrong way, while he does not see them romantically.

 

So I took all of this into consideration, and talked to him the same way he talked to me. We flirted heavily at times but still I was protecting my heart by not falling for any of that. After this went on for a good 2 months, I started to wonder what the purpose of it all was. We could never be together because of the distance between us, the age gap, plus he is divorced and has children. However we would still meet fairly often within our friend group. He’d try to talk to me the most, and I found it awkward because we had to pretend we don’t talk outside of these meetings. Then I would come home and get a message about how beautiful I looked etc. and that he looked forward to seeing me next time, and we would text like this for the remaining days until we’d meet again.

 

The texts always had a “fun” tone to them, so I never dared to say something serious. Meaning I would often mean things but say them in a serious tone. When it came to those situations, he would often say “I would tell you something but I know I can’t....”; or “I can’t tell you because it would not be good for you nor me” etc. and I never asked, because I thought he was just being flirty and funny.

 

He told me once a long time ago it was fun to him, becase it makes people smile (I said he was flirting, he said it was making them smile lol). Then I said well stop making fun of me, and he said it is the only way he is allowed to talk to me, because he is not allowed to meant them seriously, so it provides him with a sort of “alibi”. Since then, I took everything he said as a joke.

 

He’d tell me a couple times he is happy I’m here, that he has a weak spot for me, that he’d do anything to date me if the circumstances were different, that he is not confident to talk to beautiful women (and I said you know many? and he goes yes but mainly you, you stand out - I guess he said that many times) which I took as a hint he’s just mocking me. He’d send me the lyrics of some songs, and when we met he’d play them while I was the only one who knew what it meant. Really uncomfortable, lol. We had a few calls which lasted 3 hours, talking about nothing late at night. He’d call me the most beautiful friend, which of course is a cliche. There were times when we were around our friends and he’d put his feet on mine so that nobody would see. He’d also always be around me listening to my conversations, often leaving his to join mine. His whole body would always be turned to me and I often caught him smiling and looking at me. Again, I thought nothing of it.

 

I started to get angry because I started to develop feelings for him. I never wanted to because I knew me and him would never be together. But I did. And every conversation I had to pretend to be funny, and go along with the flirting. That’s when I told him “maybe I think about you too much” and he told me “and you’re making a mistake, you’re young and beautiful and I know all guys want you”. So that was that for me. I took it as a clear rejection and was done with this sick game we played for 4 months.

 

Then he invited me for a drink where all of our friends went but I had a guest over, who he knows also and who is just my friend, so I said I’ve got this sympathetic guest at home (referring to the guy) and can’t go. I felt like I needed to end it. At that point he was like “ok, gotta go, don’t talk to me now that you have someone over” I laughed and he says “oh im not jealous, i trust you hahaha” so I say “well, good” and he says “ok, well im not going to bother anymore so good night”..... I felt kinda bad so I wrote to him later if they’re still out and he replied “yes”. We have not talked for a few weeks.

 

However, I never felt like he really made an effort to see me. He’d always say let’s go for coffee, let’s go skiing, bla bla but never made an actual plan. There were some events we could attend together but he refused to go. So I said alright, you’re making a real mean fun of me.

 

Then a couple months later he started with this whole come to the party with me, and I had enough of his BS. I said no, a couple times, and then said well if you want to ask me in person. He did not, and I took a friend of mine. I was scared he was just joking again, and then I’d be left without a partner. I took no risks this time.

 

Then the two of them met briefly, and he was still nice to me there. Afterwards we just completely stopped talking and have not spoken again up until today. He invited me to go to the party after I wrote to him telling me to take the guy, too, but I feel like if we were friends before, it’s ruined.

 

I caught feelings for him, and maybe I ruined it. Majority of the time I keep telling myself he was a real ******* if it was all just fun to him, and I get angry and can cope, but sometimes I feel like if he liked me, we both broke each other’s hearts, but I don’t see how that could be true. Now I feel like he ruined the whole team thing for me, because I feel weird going to the events when he is there and we don’t speak. He was the one I liked the most, and often reason I even went in the first place. He keeps ignoring me now and I don’t know whether that’s because he is hurt, or because he realized I liked him and wants nothing to do with me anymore. Both of them hurt me equally and I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave the club, I’d miss the people and everything but what can I do......... my head hurts so much just thinking about it. Can anybody help me with what to do? How do I approach this? Do I tell him? I feel like if it was a game to him he will be angry.

[kendahke]

most times I do not realize I flirt with people, I think I am just being nice.

 

That's due to a lack of self awareness. You might want to develop some.

 

seeing as I was in a relationship...

 

He’d tell me a couple times he is happy I’m here, that he has a weak spot for me, that he’d do anything to date me if the circumstances were different,

 

I started to develop feelings for him.

 

Where is your boyfriend through all of this? Are you saying he was fine with you flirting and hanging out with this dude and investing your emotions in him?

 

If he was doing what you outlined here with some other woman, would you be OK with it?

[LindseyKelk]

That's due to a lack of self awareness. You might want to develop some.

 

 

 

Where is your boyfriend through all of this? Are you saying he was fine with you flirting and hanging out with this dude and investing your emotions in him?

 

If he was doing what you outlined here with some other woman, would you be OK with it?

I was in a relationship. We broke up before I started talking to this guy. And where was my boyfriend before? Well... never there as he was cheating on me the whole time. That’s why I said we did not flirt, we only talked but he was nicer to me than to other people. I never paid attention to it is what I said. Thanks for the comment.

Edited June 19, 2018 by LindseyKelk

[kendahke]

We broke up before I started talking to this guy.

 

You might want to make information like this clear in your initial post because the way it reads, it looks like you are the one who is cheating and giggling about how you can't control your flirting.

[LindseyKelk]

You might want to make information like this clear in your initial post because the way it reads, it looks like you are the one who is cheating and giggling about how you can't control your flirting.

True. Sorry, reading it again it really is not that clear. I meant “was in a relationship” as I no longer am in one. Thanks anyway.

[nospam99]

OP, is this the 'older gentleman'?

[MaleIntuition]

You only ask questions without ever stating what you want. Do you want to date him?

 

I’m not a big fan of how you are presenting yourself as an innoncent victim; to me it sounds like you’ve been playing along. Guys don’t accidentally talk to, or text, girls. He clearly has a romantic interest but is probably hoping for You to make a concrete move because the age gap makes the situation inappropriate so that he can have plausible deniability - “it just happened (on like say; a party).

 

Figure out what you want. Work on setting proper boundaries. Friends normally don’t flirt.

[Versacehottie]

OP, is this the 'older gentleman'?

 

I think it is due to the details matching her other thread. I think you OP are just running up against what he was worried about. On on hand, you said you were just flirting and wanted to see what would happen but the urgency and intensity of your posts seemed to indicate otherwise and now here we are.

 

I wouldn't say it ruined everything. In his head maybe he just thinks it cannot be due to being a great deal older and friends with your parents. I don't think anything will happen for a few years though and you should live your life as if it won't.

[LindseyKelk]

You only ask questions without ever stating what you want. Do you want to date him?

 

I’m not a big fan of how you are presenting yourself as an innoncent victim; to me it sounds like you’ve been playing along. Guys don’t accidentally talk to, or text, girls. He clearly has a romantic interest but is probably hoping for You to make a concrete move because the age gap makes the situation inappropriate so that he can have plausible deniability - “it just happened (on like say; a party).

 

Figure out what you want. Work on setting proper boundaries. Friends normally don’t flirt.

I am not saying I am the victim. But I never knew how I was supposed to act, because he would be “flirty” but would also say he likes me as if I was his kid (I’m 24). Sometimes he’d just he’s got a really strong will, or that he can’t tell me certain stuff. If there was a chance I’d see him in some event, I’d go, always. I liked his presence, and I liked how we laughed. There was a particular event that took place during a weekend, and I would throw everything away and go even tho it meant driving for hours. He decided not to go. This is the first time I realized that maybe I was overthinking things. I would always want to see the person I like... I asked him why and he just said he couldn’t. No reason. I didn’t push for one. It happened a couple more times... I spent nights thinking about the situation. I even caught myself wanting to tell him things that happened to me during the day. I did a few times. He never did that. I never said anything about how I really feel because it was never clear to me how he felt about me. It still is not.

 

So what I want is not really relevant, seeing as I will never have him. But I just want to hear other people’s opinions whether I should have done something, or should say something to him... In case he indeed interpreted my behavior as rejection, which it was not. I was trying not to get even more hurt by his mixed signals.

[LindseyKelk]

I think it is due to the details matching her other thread. I think you OP are just running up against what he was worried about. On on hand, you said you were just flirting and wanted to see what would happen but the urgency and intensity of your posts seemed to indicate otherwise and now here we are.

 

I wouldn't say it ruined everything. In his head maybe he just thinks it cannot be due to being a great deal older and friends with your parents. I don't think anything will happen for a few years though and you should live your life as if it won't.

Oh dear Versacehottie, I thought so, too. This is what happens when you try to repress your feelings they come back, and stronger.

 

Especially now that I realize it will not be the same, and that he is acting weird towards me. He invites me somewhere, then leaves me on read and ignores my question. I am kind of afraid I wil not be able to go to the events with them anymore. He is the boss, and he can make you feel it if you’re not wanted....

[stillafool]

Where is your boyfriend during all of this crushing on the old guy?

[LindseyKelk]

Where is your boyfriend during all of this crushing on the old guy?

There isn’t one. my ex and I broke up almost 2 years ago and I’ve been single since then...

[stillafool]

Are you trying to date others to distract you from this OM?

[LindseyKelk]

Are you trying to date others to distract you from this OM?

There is quite a number of guys showing their interest in me. It sounds very self-centered, and I swear I am not. I know they like me for my looks and because they think I do interesting things with my life. I am not into parties and coffees and what not, and I have a lot of hobbies.

 

It took me a long time to build my life back up, and I was hurting for a long time. I would never want to hurt someone else because of this, so I rejected all of them. This ‘old’ dude, we knew each other before and I felt that I could talk to him without any feelings attached (which I told him, too). But I guess I made a huuuge mistake.