Lesbian girlfriend won't get rid of crazy ex

[jenc]

So i have been dating this girl for two months (I am also a girl), and when we first met she told me of her crazy ex gf who she was still friends with. But their history was pretty rotten - the ex used to lead on my gf continually but never commit, and then as soon as my gf would start to pull away and move on, the ex would give JUST ENOUGH to keep her on the leash. We all know the type, right? They broke up over a year ago but remained "friends" although the ex kept up the same tactics. She would even send topless pics to my gf as recently as a few months ago (before we were together) always to make sure my gf was giving her as much attention as possible. My gf even admitted she ran around for her and put her on a total pedestal even during the friendship stage.

 

Fast forward a bit and now we are together. For the first month I sit back and just watch this ex manipulate my gf. She makes plans, cancels last minute, always has an emergency crises, complains if my gf doesn't text her enough and eventually tells my gf she isn't allowed to even mention my name as the ex has feelings for my gf and it's too upsetting. WHAAATT?? So at that point I put it on the table and say enough is enough. My gf resists at first but eventually calls out the ex and there is a big blow up, the ex is exposed for the manipulative biatch that she is, and we move on.

 

Now 3 weeks later, the ex sends my gf a text with this phoney apology and saying how she misses her so much. Total B.S. of course, she never was a true friend to my gf, just used her all along. But my gf is taken in by it. All of a sudden she's telling me maybe the ex has changed (in three weeks?!?!), maybe her therapist got through to her, maybe she was never that bad etc.

 

Here is my problem. I'm left in the position of arguing that the ex is crazy and as long as she is around, we will forever be wasting time and energy on her drama fest. Not to mention she obviously hates that my gf is now with me, which is really uncomfortable. My gf is kind of listening but also defending her, which is really hurtful to me.

 

She knows my feelings but still wants to think about how to respond to the ex. Should I sit back and let her make the "right choice" (hopefully) on her own... or should I put the ultimatum to her that the two relationships can just not co-exist. I want to respect her and not come off like a control freak, but I'm afraid if I dont say anything, even if she does the right thing this time, the crazy ex will no doubt be back again and I don't want to keep spending all this time and energy on this situation. But i really do love my gf very much and I trust her.

[basil67]

jenc, your judgement is spot on here. To not come off as a control freak and instead be seen as enforcing boundaries, it's simply about the language you use.

 

Control Freak: You cannot see this person

Boundary Enforcing: I cannot be in a relationship with you if you choose to remain in contact with her.

 

The less controlling route would also be to allow her to make her own decision and then you decide if you're OK with it. Let's face it, your g/f already knows how you feel about her staying in contact.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with basil.

 

Also, you can only control your response to this high school drama between the two of them. So, you have to decide what the best move would be.

[quankanne]

third option: Make the choice for yourself, and leave a relationship where your partner has divided loyalties. It's gonna hurt like at beesh, but partner will finally understand what she's doing by not focusing on focusing on Y'ALL.

[preraph]

She's obviously all wrapped up on the ex. You have to tell her, Make your own decisions here, and I'll make mine.

 

She sounds so namby-pamby that I do not see her cutting her off at all and the woman sounds stronger than her, so she already knows how to manipulate her, so I don't see this happening. I think if she doesn't on her own block the woman and refuse to talk to her, which she is nowhere near doing, you decide if you want to stay in a relationship with her. I wouldn't.

 

The irony will be that as soon as you are out of the picture, this other nut will likely abandon her at least for a period of time and just disappear.

[smackie9]

She's keeping close to her ex, and allows the drama and manipulation. This speaks volumes about the type of person your GF is....not for you. I say walk. There is nothing you can do to pull them apart.

[quankanne]

The irony will be that as soon as you are out of the picture, this other nut will likely abandon her at least for a period of time and just disappear.

 

this is my thought, too ... the ex is on a pure power trip with your GF, who allows herself to get played by this person. The minute you decide you don't want to be involved with this kind of game-playing, the ex will dump your girl, who will immediately want you back. And so it goes, until she is forced to decide. And I don't see that happening, based on what you've shared.

 

let her go, while you still have positive feelings for her.

[Lotsgoingon]

The thing is your gf clearly has some bad boundaries ... and/or some bad judgment in allowing herself to be so manipulated by her ex.

 

So one thing is to keep in mind (and I'm someone who had weak boundaries like your gf---while all the way denying it) is that this messiness/entanglement with her ex is typically not a one-time-blind-spot thing. She likely has a deeper problem with saying no, and keeping relationships clean.

 

Which means YOU have absolutely got to get clear and clean about your boundaries with her. I encourage you to perhaps think about what the first steps would be in breaking up ... Like do you have stuff at your gf's place? ... or she at your place? ... Imagine retrieving that stuff ... what exactly you would take and how you would transport it, etc. Let yourself imagine a day and a week and a month without your gf in your life ... and yes, let yourself imagine the upside of having a gf who doesn't have this messy tie to an ex.

 

I urge this scenario thinking because frankly, an ultimatum or "choice" only works to the extent that your gf senses that you are serious .. that you will in fact leave if there is no change. And the most powerful way to convince someone you are serious is with just a shift in your affect, your deep inner body language.

 

Once you get internally clear, you could say something to gf as simple as "this doesn't work for me"--in the calmest tone--and she will KNOW you are serious as ****.

 

Now let's say gf backs down and cuts ties with her ex. Based on her behavior here and based on my knowledge now of what a struggle it was for me to develop strong boundaries ... my worry is that gf is gonna repeat this kind of entanglement ... with someone else ... like a parent or ... family member, or boss at work ... or another cute or manipulative, strong-willed woman who crosses her path.

 

Took me years to notice entanglements like this ... and years to make the internal shift to avoid getting entangled with someone who wasn't even good for me. The outward act of saying "no" (as you want gf to do) is the most superficial element of what your gf needs to do. There's a deeper internal change she needs to make. Or else you're in for a lot more drama.

 

Good luck.

[sdraw108]

This can be summed up in a general principle: don't date people with poor judgement.

 

Your GF has poor judgement. She cannot tell she is being manipulated, she doesn't have any sense of boundaries, she doesn't understand how inappropriate her behaviour towards you is, and she doesn't have the sense to be moved on from her ex before dating someone new.

 

Let's say you somehow mange to remove the ex from the equation. You still have a girlfriend with poor judgement. This will express itself in other ways that are problematic. That's a much greater challenge to overcome.

 

You're only 2 months in. Now is the time to get out while the emotional cost to you is at its lowest. I would be worried about getting sucked into a much longer toxic relationship, and then paying a bigger emotional price at the end.

[GoreSP]

So her ex was crazy, manipulated her and made her life mostly miserable and she stayed friends with her?

 

Come on now...

?