I have a lot of difficulties in life, and am becoming very depressed. I could r

[cereb76]

I don't want to bore people to tears with paragraph after paragraph of my concerns so I'll try to keep things short and sweet, but there is a lot to get through as I have a number of issues which are really impacting me living a healthy, happier life. I also don't have a huge support network, so I'm hoping (praying?) people here can fill in that gap. I do see a counselor.

 

I appear to have a very difficult time establishing good relationships with people, and whilst I understand people tend to come and go in life...I seem to have experienced this more-so than others. I show genuine interest in other people and sure enough I can make some pretty good friends, but more often than not these new-found connections are short-lived and I find myself very much alone with very few people to talk to or spend time with. What few, genuine friends I do have seem to think the world of me, but they don't really make much of an effort to keep in contact or plan anything. Unfortunately, I find myself getting upset and a little jealous when I see more outgoing people thriving off their social success, and feeling I can never achieve such.

 

By extension to the above, I've also made a number of toxic "friendships" over the years which have hurt my self-esteem / confidence. I've cut all of these people out of my life, but I'm left feeling empty or second-guessing myself as to whether or not I'm a good person, because they make me feel this way. A couple of examples would be a female friend who turned an entire social group against me (no idea how, either) and another friend who completely fell out with me for, erm...leaving a night club early.

 

My first love, who I had a relationship for four years, falsely accused me of emotional and implied sexual abuse. I was devastated when this happened and spent the few years since then seeking therapy / counselling. There have never been repercussions from this accusation other than my own internal bullying / fear, and everyone who knew me at the time were by my side. My second love, who I dated for six months, was a much better partner in general but whom I ended things with when it was clear she was not over an ex. She was with someone else soon after. Despite both of these relationships occurring years ago, I find myself depressed over what I've lost and upset that I may have been forgotten or the good parts of our relationship / me ignored.

 

My current dating life is, well, non-existent. I've tried dating online and off, ranging from attempting to establish a serious relationship to simply a casual hookup, and I've had no success in any of these areas. I've had my profiles reviewed, spoken to friends and family, spoken to people online, hired a dating coach...and all of them have told me I'm a great guy, very attractive, have a lot going for him...all of which I always thought would have given me some advantage. It's knocked my confidence certainly, which in itself is an issue, but it's very disheartening to read stories or even witness myself how easily people seem to find casual sex or a date. I do go out clubbing / to bar regularly but have never made contact with a woman in these settings (and am seemingly invisible to women in general), and online although I do get a fair number of matches they never translate into anything.

 

My family is dysfunctional and has been for years. A conflict between my mother and father has been ongoing since I was around twelve years of age, and they are ignorant to any effect it may have had on my upbringing. It often feels that I am trying to keep the family together by listening to their rants, but on the flip-side they also don't appear to take me seriously or treat me like an adult. A lot of what I have achieved has been done off my own back, as my parents were never truly supportive (and would often try to put me off things, for example going to university).

 

I was bullied as a child in high school. Enough said about that, really.

 

Despite all of this, I seem to do very well in life. I used to have severe social anxiety which, over the last few years, I've managed to overcome and put myself into situations I never thought possible. I have achieved very highly in my academic endeavors and the organisations I have worked for (I have done a TON of volunteer work) have praised my efforts, resulting in me being mentioned in articles, invited to interviews or to give talks etc. People have expressed how proud of me they are and have told me how much of an amazing person I am. I've been told many times, specifically and without prompting, that I come across as a confident, kind, intelligent and interesting person, and have also heard it mentioned that I'm "very popular". Throughout counselling / therapy it has never been alluded to or even outright said that I have something fundamentally wrong with me, in fact I've often been told I'm an emotionally mature, sensible, kind-hearted, intelligent guy who "will go far in life" and whom "will be fine". In life I don't really aspire to much; I simply want to live a happy, comfortable life and have a decent amount of social / dating success as well as begin a career in teaching, but it forever seems to be out of reach.

 

Thoughts? Advice? If anyone knows of any other sub-reddits to post this in, that would be great too.

 

TL;DR

 

I have a lot of issues in life which I am unable to address because I don't truly know what, if anything, I am doing wrong. A lot of negative things have effected my self-esteem / confidence, but I have also come leaps and bounds from who I once was. I've struggling to make friends, get dates, and the few experiences I do have more often than not end up failing. I'm at a loss, and feel depressed.

[d0nnivain]

Everyone has struggles. From the inside they seem insurmountable at times. Believe me, I lived in a black hole for about 5 years, scared to even leave my house at times. I did lose a number of fair weather friends. It's rare when even my oldest & dearest reach out so I simply accepted my responsibility to shoulder the obligation of scheduling my social life. Yes, some people say they are busy when I ask but most seem happy to spend time with me doing something I have arranged or when I run into them.

 

 

Stay with your therapy but try this: make a gratitude's list. Every morning when you wake up write down 3 things you are grateful for & do the same every night before bed. Read the book at least once per week. The things can range from the trivial to the profound but they should vary, although some repeats are allowed. My flannel sheets & down comforters make the list a lot over the long cold winter. Doing this helps you to focus on the things you do have rather than where you think you are lacking. It's concrete evidence that things aren't as bleak as you thought. I'll start your list for you based on what you wrote:

 

1. finding Love Shack

 

2. being successful

 

3. Having toxic people out of my life

 

4. escaping the daily grind of my dysfunctional family

 

5. my ability to listen

 

6. the praise I receive when I volunteer

 

7. that others recognize that I'm intelligent

 

8. that others recognize that I have a kind heart

 

9. my high academic achievement

 

10. that I'm emotionally mature

Edited June 20, 2018 by d0nnivain

[cereb76]

Everyone has struggles. From the inside they seem insurmountable at times. Believe me, I lived in a black hole for about 5 years, scared to even leave my house at times. I did lose a number of fair weather friends. It's rare when even my oldest & dearest reach out so I simply accepted my responsibility to shoulder the obligation of scheduling my social life. Yes, some people say they are busy when I ask but most seem happy to spend time with me doing something I have arranged or when I run into them.

 

 

Stay with your therapy but try this: make a gratitude's list. Every morning when you wake up write down 3 things you are grateful for & do the same every night before bed. Read the book at least once per week. The things can range from the trivial to the profound but they should vary, although some repeats are allowed. My flannel sheets & down comforters make the list a lot over the long cold winter. Doing this helps you to focus on the things you do have rather than where you think you are lacking. It's concrete evidence that things aren't as bleak as you thought. I'll start your list for you based on what you wrote:

 

1. finding Love Shack

 

2. being successful

 

3. Having toxic people out of my life

 

4. escaping the daily grind of my dysfunctional family

 

5. my ability to listen

 

6. the praise I receive when I volunteer

 

7. that others recognize that I'm intelligent

 

8. that others recognize that I have a kind heart

 

9. my high academic achievement

 

10. that I'm emotionally mature

 

 

All well and good, but there's an absence of social / romantic / sexual relationships in my life, and that is something I desire and would make me happy / content. It's almost as if everyone else is allowed to have these things bar myself, no matter how hard I try.

[d0nnivain]

What are you doing to create social / romantic / sexual relationships in your life?

 

Are you a member of any groups? If not join some. I am an active member of 4 business organizations; 2 civic groups (really 3 but I'm only an auxiliary member of 2 so I counted them as 1/2 each lol); & 2 alumni groups. By active I mean I show up regularly, at least once per month. They expanded my social circle all the time.

 

When I was single & looking to date seriously with an eye toward marriage I made a point to attend at least 1 singles event per week hoping to meet someone. I went to organized happy hours, game nights, a thing called Leashes & Lovers where I could bring my dog, another thing where the organizers matched people up to play golf, in person social networking events, wine tastings, charity galas, etc.

 

I did all that on top of the above business groups plus I owned my own business, had 2 PT jobs, served on 3 boards of trustees & worked on several local & national political campaigns, while I was taking care of my elderly parents. In between I hung out with old friends. So please don't cry to me that you don't have time; make some.

 

You have to put yourself out there. When you get involved, you become more interesting. You can't plop yourself in front of computer & cry that OLD doesn't work.

[cereb76]

What are you doing to create social / romantic / sexual relationships in your life?

 

Are you a member of any groups? If not join some. I am an active member of 4 business organizations; 2 civic groups (really 3 but I'm only an auxiliary member of 2 so I counted them as 1/2 each lol); & 2 alumni groups. By active I mean I show up regularly, at least once per month. They expanded my social circle all the time.

 

When I was single & looking to date seriously with an eye toward marriage I made a point to attend at least 1 singles event per week hoping to meet someone. I went to organized happy hours, game nights, a thing called Leashes & Lovers where I could bring my dog, another thing where the organizers matched people up to play golf, in person social networking events, wine tastings, charity galas, etc.

 

I did all that on top of the above business groups plus I owned my own business, had 2 PT jobs, served on 3 boards of trustees & worked on several local & national political campaigns, while I was taking care of my elderly parents. In between I hung out with old friends. So please don't cry to me that you don't have time; make some.

 

You have to put yourself out there. When you get involved, you become more interesting. You can't plop yourself in front of computer & cry that OLD doesn't work.

 

Yup, done all that. I've worked several jobs, volunteered, activities etc. Nothing's ever worked, really.

 

It's not for lack of trying. I'm generally quite liked judging by what people have told me, but for whatever reason nothing has ever stuck, and as for dating...well...at this point I've just given up as women are simply not interested in me.

[d0nnivain]

Somewhere in there you said you had a dating coach. What did that person say?

[cereb76]

Somewhere in there you said you had a dating coach. What did that person say?

 

Also said I was fine, in a nutshell.

 

Basically I have many positive attributes which you would think help in these particular areas of life, but for whatever reason I just don't have any luck when it comes to other people.

 

Another problem is, when I finally do decide to talk to people about it, they don't believe me and often accuse me of lying. "You're such a great, good-looking guy...women must be interested in you" or "You know so many people, you must be really popular".

[cereb76]

I'd like someone to talk to / some advice.

[Noproblem]

Hi

I am sorry for what you have gone through

 

I know I shouldn't tell you to feel happy or anything

 

But after so many heartbreaks from friends and people, I tended to be more introvert and actually, I am better this way.

 

I was also bullied when I was younger...This messes us up.

 

The family is still dysfunctional as you mentioned, there is nothing I can do about that, but I am trying to be successful as much as I can.

 

But here you made it, you are already successful, love will come when it comes, the more you chase it, the more it will run away.

 

My advice is:

 

First: Always take good care of your body, go to the gym and exercise religiously! Don't eat junk food and don't sunbathe a lot!

 

Second: Stop going to the clubs where you drink a lot, that will age you early and it will cause you drama.

 

Go to meetup groups instead, go to different meetups and meet new people. If there is something that interests you, you can start your own meet up group, for example, we have a frisbee team in my area, it is too much fun.

Maybe you want a soccer team? Or runner meet up or learn new language meet up

 

 

 

Also, start watching anime and reading webtoons.

 

That will make you feel happy and in another world

 

You don't need people to feel happy, but there is no harm in finding good people who enjoy the same things you enjoy, just don't make it your sole purpose in life.

 

Actually, more than often, people make us sad!

 

I will suggest you start watching Attack on Titan first:

 

If you need more suggestions for anime, I will happily provide you with my favorites

 

As for webtoon app, I suggest you start with Tower of God webtoon.

Edited July 7, 2018 by Noproblem

[preraph]

I'm wondering if your conversation with potential friends may too often focus on your problems such as you have outlined here. I have no idea, but it's all I can maybe glean. You are appreciated for many things, but when it comes time to get personal, people run. So that's why I am just taking a shot in the dark and based only on what I can glean from your post that maybe you are sharing too much of your problems when maybe concentrating on keeping the conversation light and interesting would attract more friends. New people especially aren't attracted to someone whose conversation is gloomy, you know. These are things that you might let eek out over years if someone is sticking around so that they might better put you in perspective, but nothing you should just talk about to casual friends.

 

Also, if you do focus on the difference between you and other people, well, that's kind of a warning to them. Focus on fun things, good things, and take the rest to that therapist. Focus on recreating yourself in a way that doesn't reflect the former strife. Don't drag it along behind you showing it to people.