Are women with kids too high maintenance? (Updated)

[dateme]

I've dated a few. Most of them feel that you owe them and you are supposed to wait for them no matter what. In some cases I didn't even like the girl all that much. Who can know after one or two dates? Even after sex. It takes time before you can just get attached on that level with someone. Are other guys experiences this?

[carhill]

Dated a lot of women with kids and never recall feeling any were high maintenance. Nearly all were pretty adept at managing being single moms and working and dating. Sure, stuff popped up since kids aren't robots but we just rolled with it and moved on.

 

Anything which caused the relationships/dating experiences to end had little to nothing to do with the single mom/children part. More individual to person.

[Happy Lemming]

I tried to date a woman with a child and it was a horrible experience.

 

That is number 1 on my "deal breaker" list. If she has minor child(ren), I 'm not dating her.

 

I don't know if I would classify the woman as "high maintenance"; there were just additional issues. It seems the mother was always complaining about the ex-husband, first his child support was late or didn't come at all, then he didn't send the child back with the clothing that the mother supplied and there were other complaints. I had to listen to her "vent". UGH!! It resulted in tension headaches for me and I did nothing wrong.

 

I was also expected to make up the financial shortfall, when bio-dad didn't make his payments. It wasn't my kid and I didn't think I should have to make up the shortfall. Also the sex wasn't that great, either; so I bailed fairly quickly.

 

Just my two cents...

[preraph]

You just have to know that in addition to these other problems posters have mentioned, the one thing you can count on is never being her priority. If she's a good mother, he kids will be her priority, though I will say that an organized person who isn't letting her kids call the shots can make less of a negative impact on whoever they're dating.

[dude360]

Yes unless you enjoy raising another man's seed.

[smackie9]

I say it depends on who you are and who they are. There are some guys out there that are white knights that want to share in raising the kids and take care of the household. There are independent single moms who work, have a good relationship with their ex and have shared custody, so the kids are not with them 24-7. So that would give you more freedom. And there are some that don't let the kids get involved with anyone they are dating, keeping it casual.

 

 

 

If I was single today there is no way I would date a single dad, even if I was in my 20's oh hell no. I'm to independent for that.

[lurker74]

A woman with children that is high maintenance would be high maintenance without children.

 

And if you are getting tension headaches because she vented about something, I can assure you, venting is pretty normal. The topics change but the behavior remains. So have fun never getting married.

[alphamale]

I've dated a few. Most of them feel that you owe them and you are supposed to wait for them no matter what. In some cases I didn't even like the girl all that much. Who can know after one or two dates? Even after sex. It takes time before you can just get attached on that level with someone. Are other guys experiences this?

 

I've found that most women with kids are too tired to be of much fun

[dateme]

I say it depends on who you are and who they are. There are some guys out there that are white knights that want to share in raising the kids and take care of the household. There are independent single moms who work, have a good relationship with their ex and have shared custody, so the kids are not with them 24-7. So that would give you more freedom. And there are some that don't let the kids get involved with anyone they are dating, keeping it casual.

 

 

 

If I was single today there is no way I would date a single dad, even if I was in my 20's oh hell no. I'm to independent for that.

 

Very interesting and honest coming from a woman. Thank you. And I have heard several single women say this as well.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think single parents are "high maintenance." To me that phrase applies to people who want things they can't necessarily provide for themselves or who are unwilling to compromise on quality. I consider myself fairly high maintenance because I'm more formal then casual & I have certain expectations.

 

 

That said, dating a single parent can be a challenge. That person has limited free time & real demands on their time. They are not as carefree as someone who does not have childcare responsibilities & can't be as spontaneous. When you do finally meet the kids, your SOs parenting style may trouble you & you walk a fine line regarding discipline.

 

My EXs son used to say things like "You're not my mom. You can't tell me what to do." My response would always be, "I'm not your mom, but I am the adult presently charged with your safety so I absolutely can tell you what to do." We also had to have discussions about what behaviors I would tolerate in my home.

 

Years later when he became an adult that child told me he appreciated the boundaries I laid out for him.

 

 

It's not an easy dynamic to navigate but that doesn't make the parent "high maintenance."

[greymatter]

Are men who have kids and are dating high maintenance?

 

Same difference, it depends on the individual, male or female.

[Malin889]

I tried to date a woman with a child and it was a horrible experience.

 

That is number 1 on my "deal breaker" list. If she has minor child(ren), I 'm not dating her.

 

I don't know if I would classify the woman as "high maintenance"; there were just additional issues. It seems the mother was always complaining about the ex-husband, first his child support was late or didn't come at all, then he didn't send the child back with the clothing that the mother supplied and there were other complaints. I had to listen to her "vent". UGH!! It resulted in tension headaches for me and I did nothing wrong.

 

I was also expected to make up the financial shortfall, when bio-dad didn't make his payments. It wasn't my kid and I didn't think I should have to make up the shortfall. Also the sex wasn't that great, either; so I bailed fairly quickly.

 

Just my two cents...

 

Eek - I hope most single moms aren't complaining about the ex-husband. As a single mom myself, I always keep any conversations with the ex- out of the picture. That's no one's business except mine. You must have had a bad experience? Or more than one?

 

And who is asking you to help out financially? Any self-respecting woman would not do that. That's just very weird. I don't know people that would do that, but I'm sure there are people out there that would.

 

I just want someone to go out to dinner and go on adventures with and make out with once in a while! Keep your money in your pocket!

[Malin889]

I've dated a few. Most of them feel that you owe them and you are supposed to wait for them no matter what. In some cases I didn't even like the girl all that much. Who can know after one or two dates? Even after sex. It takes time before you can just get attached on that level with someone. Are other guys experiences this?

 

I'm confused and taken aback because I am a single mom who is dating. What do you mean, they feel that you owe them? I've NEVER felt that way ever. Where are you getting this from? And I've never asked anyone to "wait" for me, but I do have to say, it is hard sometimes (or all the time), and I've had to break dates before because I could not get child care. Be patient. The right person, you will not have to wait for or have any preconceived notions. Everyone has their story. You need to be patient. If you are looking for something instant, perhaps the single mom is not for you.

 

Until you are in a single mother's shoes, don't judge.

[RideTheLightening]

There are multiple categories of single moms. It just depends on what kind you are dealing with. If you ask them, they all believe themselves to be great catches... however the vast majority are mediocre moms and make crap wives.

[Happy Lemming]

And if you are getting tension headaches because she vented about something, I can assure you, venting is pretty normal. The topics change but the behavior remains. So have fun never getting married.

 

Yes, I did have fun never getting married. I've dated around (quite a bit), traveled, adventured, my life has been a blast and it ain't over yet. Because I didn't get married, I've been able to retire early and continue my adventures. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

So, yes... when a woman starts venting & complaining too much, I get another one. Its not normal or acceptable behavior for me and I won't put up with it.

 

NEXT!!

[Happy Lemming]

I'd say that probably 95% of the time, dating a single mother is not worth the extra trouble that it brings.

 

Make it 99.9%... Let the single Dads date the single Moms... I'll date women without children.

[Happy Lemming]

Eek - I hope most single moms aren't complaining about the ex-husband. As a single mom myself, I always keep any conversations with the ex- out of the picture. That's no one's business except mine. You must have had a bad experience? Or more than one?

 

I only dated one single mother, that was enough. Never went out with out with another one.

 

And who is asking you to help out financially? Any self-respecting woman would not do that. That's just very weird. I don't know people that would do that, but I'm sure there are people out there that would.

 

Yes, she hit me up for monetary shortfalls. She didn't have all the money for daycare and they wouldn't take the child the next week, unless she paid in full. Then she didn't have clothing for the child. And a bunch of other stuff... Enough was Enough... NEXT!!

[RideTheLightening]

Most women that have been through single motherhood with a crappy baby daddy feel like they now need to find a "good man." If you fit the bill, in the beginning of the relationship she will work her butt off to get together with you. She will get babysitters for date nights, cook you dinner, the whole nine. Just remember that most of these single moms are overworked, tired, and have little free time, so her time for you will start to taper off eventually. Then, your date nights will be few and far between, and you will have more nights of hanging out at her place watching Disney movies with the little ones. She will likely also feel bad about leaving the kids out of the fun stuff you do as a couple and will want to push for more family stuff. Up to you if that is your thing.

 

This is a huge issue. A good chunk of single moms are bad boy chasers.

 

I will put this question to the forum... Is it fair for a woman to put all of her youth into chasing good looking fun guys, and then once they are single moms expect "good guys" to come along and help them raise the bad boys children?

[coolheadal]

I've dated a few. Most of them feel that you owe them and you are supposed to wait for them no matter what. In some cases I didn't even like the girl all that much. Who can know after one or two dates? Even after sex. It takes time before you can just get attached on that level with someone. Are other guys experiences this?

 

I look at it this way women with kids have some high demands. It's worst if the dad of those kids are still in their lives. Women with grand kids are double time worst with even higher demands. You will be put on the lower list if the kids are needed by the mom all ages this goes for. Grand kids you can forget that list you'll never see her as much. If you don't have kids then why do you want to deal with a woman that has kids from some other dude? This is what we men without kids need to realize. It's best for these women to date men with kids so they have some extra things in common. For you sex is a question, yes it takes time and that all depends on her. Kids still living with her it's a no no. If they're not you might have a chance to get some. If you want kids with the woman you are with she might not want ore kids.Something to think about if your looking to have kids with her. I am just saying..

[beatcuff]

several have touched on this - they (i will include dads when they have them) are not high maintenance rather than they have different priorities: children come first. let me give a real life example that happened this week. please understand i am married but you could obviously see the impact on a single parent. my daughters saturday night ice hockey game was scheduled for 4:30p weeks ago. yesterday is was moved to 7:30p. so our saturday night plans have been cancelled (we are going to her game). yes we have been to countless games and she has many more (but we know the end is near) and we could easily find someone to take her. but giving up a night of 'fun' (your idea) for a night of 'fun' (the game, supporting her and we socialize as well with the other parents) is not even a question. now expand that to --- it was a long week (exhausted), child is sick, or needing comfort or.... sorry what kind of PERSON would i be to 'brush that off' to have a night out. or more importantly how much fun would i be.

[RideTheLightening]

I don't really think whether or not something is fair is relevant. Relationships are essentially a deal between those people involved. So, you have to ask yourself if the girl you meet makes it all worthwhile. IMO, in the case of the overwhelming majority of them, she does not make it worthwhile. However, we all make mistakes, especially when we are young and stupid. Girls are no different in this regard. Maybe she just made a mistake, got hooked up with the wrong guy, and now has a couple kids and a deadbeat baby daddy to show for it. She could still be a great looking, loyal, honest, hardworking woman.

Something else that stands out is her looks. A lot of average looking guys that are used to dating average looking girls might very well find that a well above average looking single mom will date them. For a lot of dudes out there, all of the negatives I spoke of earlier will be dismissed immediately for the chance to get with a hot girl. I know I did it enough myself, which is why I have so much experience dating single moms

 

I think you have a strong point. All relationships are essentially transactions between two individuals, and essentially come down to what those individuals are willing to accept.

 

I think we have perhaps created a life playing field that is slanted so hard against your average man, that they do accept very poor terms in relationships. Generally speaking boys barely attend college anymore... the gender gap is like 30-70 in favor of girls. Why? Nobody knows, because society at large does not care about boys.

 

Anyway... I don't want to go too far off topic.

[preraph]

I'd say that probably 95% of the time, dating a single mother is not worth the extra trouble that it brings.

 

There is almost always going to be baby daddy drama of some kind. Maybe he doesn't pay his child support. Maybe they hate one another and argue often about the kids. Maybe he shows up to big family functions making things awkward for you. Maybe he doesn't like you dating his ex so he tells the kids to give you crap when you are around them. Those are all things I dealt with personally.

 

You are expected to give much more than you will ever get. These relationships are almost never 50/50. You'll be expected to babysit the kids sometimes, buy gifts for them, become a parent to them in some circumstances, etc. Just keep in mind that your parenting advice is generally not appreciated since they aren't really your kids. Be prepared for any plans you make with her to be cancelled last minute because of the kids. Be ready to dole out more money than usual, because eventually, you are gonna end up paying for the kids when you go on family outings, despite the fact that you aren't really treated like an equal family member.

 

Most women that have been through single motherhood with a crappy baby daddy feel like they now need to find a "good man." If you fit the bill, in the beginning of the relationship she will work her butt off to get together with you. She will get babysitters for date nights, cook you dinner, the whole nine. Just remember that most of these single moms are overworked, tired, and have little free time, so her time for you will start to taper off eventually. Then, your date nights will be few and far between, and you will have more nights of hanging out at her place watching Disney movies with the little ones. She will likely also feel bad about leaving the kids out of the fun stuff you do as a couple and will want to push for more family stuff. Up to you if that is your thing.

 

One last thing that doesn't get mentioned a lot on here. If you live like a bachelor as I do, then your place is not very kid friendly. I have collectibles lying around, very expensive stereo equipment, enough firearms to start my own militia. That stuff will have to change. Your girl will sometimes want to be able to bring her kids so she can hang out at your place. So, if your place is even remotely like mine, you will have some work to do just to keep the kids out of trouble while they're there.

 

Now, most of this advice pertains to single moms with youngish kids only. If they are teenagers then everything becomes much easier, but still not perfect. I'd also say that depending on the girl, she might be worth all the headaches. Again, that is up to you.

 

Are you old enough to remember when no one baby-proofed their house and kids were just taught not to touch stuff and be rambunctious or go outside?

 

One person one time brought a toddler over and told me "You're going to have to move some stuff," and I told her, "You're going to have to watch your child." Another time, we were in the kitchen and there was a loud bang in the living room right next to us. The mother didn't even flinch or go see what was going on. I went in there and the kid had thrown a Hot Wheels car as hard as he could onto my hardwood floor and knicked it. Another time, caught him out back (at my suggestion) throwing something at my dog. Too permissive.

Edited June 21, 2018 by preraph

[alphamale]

Nowadays, I couldn't even bring a kid to my place without having to spend a day in preparation. I am a collector of things, and part of my collection is in display. That means I have razor sharp knives hanging around, pricey figurines, some artwork, and vintage audio equipment. All of that stuff draws little kids like cleavage draws a man's eyes. I probably wouldn't be able to date a woman with small kids now if I wanted to.

 

sounds like you have a nice collection enigma32

[preraph]

I am 39. Not sure if that puts me in the right age category though. I was raised in a....different situation, so a lot of what was normal back then never happened around me as a kid. My place and the homes of all of my friends were too poor to worry about things being broken.

 

Most of my experiences dating single moms were with ladies who had little to no control over their youngins. That's part of what made the relationships so crappy.

 

Nowadays, I couldn't even bring a kid to my place without having to spend a day in preparation. I am a collector of things, and part of my collection is in display. That means I have razor sharp knives hanging around, pricey figurines, some artwork, and vintage audio equipment. All of that stuff draws little kids like cleavage draws a man's eyes. I probably wouldn't be able to date a woman with small kids now if I wanted to.

 

Love the analogy about cleavage. Best laugh of the day.

 

No, you're not old enough. Kids used to be confined to being rowdy outdoors, which is fun for them and doesn't destroy the house.

 

Like you, I have some collectibles. The main thing I have to guard with my life is my first stick of furniture I bought for myself in the early '70s is a Victorian ebony etegere with curved glass doors. I had a cobalt glass collection, but I occasionally have a maid come, maybe twice a year, and she took care of that. So a good thing to collect that isn't as easy to hurt is raw gems. My friend's kids liked them, so I occasionally buy them a little gem rock. I don't want them picking up mine and dropping them. I sold off most of my mom's Carnival glass collection but still have some of that and other glass. Plus horse figurines, most of which were broken by undisciplined cousins when they were visiting when I was a child. I was heartbroken over that and it's one reason I won't even let it get started in my house now.

 

Yes, with all your weapons, you'd have a major lifestyle change to date someone with little kids.

[preraph]

Collecting things is my biggest hobby. I collect knives, firearms, some figurines, and just started getting into watches. It's probably a mental disorder of some kind

 

It doesn't sound like it rises to the level of a disorder. I know what that looks like though. An old friend of mine was obsessive compulsive and a very high genius mentality photographic memory. I met him when I worked at the record store because he bought at least one of every record that came out. He was a computer guy who worked on prototypes of computers real early. When I first went to his apartment, there were albums standing up all throughout the apartment with only tiny paths where you could get from room to room.

 

Then PCS went into production, so he own prototypes. He was on the internet when it was just pinging to contact people and saved every piece of information he ever downloaded and all available software. He also collected video tapes.

 

He had storage places. He wouldn't sell stuff.

Don't think you're quite there yet.