Tired of Seeking Out Relationships

[Logo]

It's been about 2 years since my last relationship.

 

Since then, I have tried over and over to find a female partner, but lately I have gotten tired of the entire process.

 

 

I'm at a point where I wonder if that feeling will ever go away. I might have written a similar post a few months ago, but at this point finding someone to go on a date with has become a chore as very few attempts are successful. Now when I go out, I simply don't care to the point that I do and say whatever I want just to have fun, good first impressions be damned.

 

And to be honest, there aren't that many options out there. At least from where I stand. I've tried the old online dating, but that was a soul grinding experience. Never again.

 

 

It bothers me that what used to be exciting and fun has become a Sisyphean endeavor.

 

Will things ever change? I think I need a break, but how long of a break?

 

I'm not getting younger.

[carhill]

Once you give up all hope, life gets better...

 

Once in awhile I'll check to see if the furnace still lights when putting fuel and spark to it but mostly done deal too much trouble other things to do in life.

 

If you're of reproductive age 20's-50 or so, expect to feel that pull for awhile when moving away from relationships. Expect it more and stronger if you've always had a partner as an adult and this is new.

 

You may feel tired right now but the motivation to stick that bloody stump into the grinder will return

[Mysterio]

Best to take a break. It is a grind. I can't wait for it to be over for me. Thats why the next major Relationship I have to put more effort than my last one.

 

I have been single for 6 yrs. The Last major date was 2015. The last romantic atempt was Aug of 2017. There really is no one on the horizon.

 

I think a lot of us overthink love. I have been more single in my life than attached. I love that I can do what I want. Might as well enjoy it. I do think it will come to me, when I don't force it into my life. I just thought that dating would be fun and more women would be into it. Its not like Sex is on the table right away. So I don't know why the women around me that are single are a bit aloof. Thats not just me to them. Its them to other guys as well.

 

If you meet a woman and your at a house party and she is giving signals. Then ask her out.

 

For me to ask out a woman right now. That woman would have to be very playful and letting me know that she is single and wants to get together with me. There is no me forcing a romantic agenda on her.

[Logo]

Once you give up all hope, life gets better...

 

 

Touché

 

 

Once in awhile I'll check to see if the furnace still lights when putting fuel and spark to it but mostly done deal too much trouble other things to do in life.

 

Poetic as always, Carhill. Thanks.

 

If you're of reproductive age 20's-50 or so, expect to feel that pull for awhile when moving away from relationships. Expect it more and stronger if you've always had a partner as an adult and this is new.

 

You may feel tired right now but the motivation to stick that bloody stump into the grinder will return

 

It's built into our DNA, I suppose.

 

"Grinder"? Interesting choice of words. Deliberate?

[Logo]

I have been more single in my life than attached.

 

 

I have been like that, too. That's why I feel a need to make up for it, to quench the thirst I have.

Edited June 21, 2018 by Logo

[carhill]

 

"Grinder"? Interesting choice of words. Deliberate?

 

I work on mechanical things and ran a cylindrical grinder in an oilfield shop for about a decade and it and other machines make quick work of limbs if not careful, so I tend to make analogies to stuff I work on. Compared to relationships and marriage, shooting a nail into my knee and breaking a toe with a jackhammer (real stories) were nothing

 

Back in the day the longest break from the pursuit of, eh, happiness, was from about age 28-35 or so. After ten or so years of meh, I figured the common problem was me so went off to work on me. Things improved after that, relatively speaking. I don't doubt the women changed too and we meshed better.

 

Anyway, normal stuff. Varies by person. I kinda envy those who can jump from one relationship or marriage to another without breaking a sweat. That's impressive.

[AnotherGuy1234]

The main thing is...people need to know what they want before even getting deep into a relationship. Don't be wishy washy and mess with the other person's feelings.

 

Like I told my girlfriend...here I am-love me or leave me...don't waste my time when there is possibly someone who will love me as I love them. We are together, but we have some disagreements. But we try to work them out. You have to if you want to be together.

 

The main key and foundation to a relationship is trust, commitment, and communication.

 

A relationship is like a building. You have to build a strong foundation if you want to support the walls and roof and the key to the relationship to open the doors. If you have doubts and are not happy then those walls and roof will come crashing down; now relationships aren't going to be fun all the time. But the two people in the relationship have to want to work together to make things better. If anyone of them has a doubt, then you might as well move on- which is hard to do.

 

Abusive relationships- leave immediately.

 

Again, like I told my girlfriend before during a casual talk...why waste someones time building that building (being so close to completing that building) and then ending it because you were afraid to end it or weren't interested in investing your time into the other person who is willing to invest their time to you?

 

You only let that building fall on that person who was really the only one putting effort into building the building. It will crush them completely and many times those people will never be the same again.

 

My point being, after sometime with a person..you should know what you want and see how they are. I am not meaning being with them for years...that is their time and your time wasted.

[Adiron]

Now when I go out, I simply don't care to the point that I do and say whatever I want just to have fun, good first impressions be damned.

 

Then why bother? First impressions are everything. If you aren't going to put your best foot forward then you're wasting your time, and hers.

 

And to be honest, there aren't that many options out there.

 

There are tons of options out there. People meet all the time. If you're not successful you need to figure out what you're doing wrong and make some hard changes.

 

I've tried the old online dating, but that was a soul grinding experience. Never again.

 

No clue what you mean by "soul grinding experience" I'll take it to mean you were ultimately frustrated by the experience because you had no success. Again, tons of people meet via online dating, it's just one of many ways to meet people and it can work quite well. Unless you're doing it wrong in which case no matter how you try to meet women you're going to fail.

 

Will things ever change? I think I need a break, but how long of a break?

 

Will things change? You're what has to change and that's within your own power. Taking a break won't accomplish anything unless you use the time to work on yourself.

[Logo]

 

Anyway, normal stuff. Varies by person. I kinda envy those who can jump from one relationship or marriage to another without breaking a sweat. That's impressive.

 

 

I think it has to do with not giving a ****. People brush things off and on to the next relationship they go.

 

 

 

Emotional pain can be worse than physical pain. So I hear you on that.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Then why bother? First impressions are everything. If you aren't going to put your best foot forward then you're wasting your time, and hers.

 

 

 

There are tons of options out there. People meet all the time. If you're not successful you need to figure out what you're doing wrong and make some hard changes.

 

 

 

No clue what you mean by "soul grinding experience" I'll take it to mean you were ultimately frustrated by the experience because you had no success. Again, tons of people meet via online dating, it's just one of many ways to meet people and it can work quite well. Unless you're doing it wrong in which case no matter how you try to meet women you're going to fail.

 

 

 

Will things change? You're what has to change and that's within your own power. Taking a break won't accomplish anything unless you use the time to work on yourself.

 

It is actually not true that things are just “within your power”. In dating a lot of it is due to luck, at least meeting someone with mutual attraction is. If you think of number of years before you meet someone as a bell shaped curve, there are theoretically people that are towards the very end of the right tail. If that’s your situation, no amount of changing yourself is going to do anything. The less you push the happier you will be.

 

Now if you are meeting people with mutual interest but somehow the relationship never lasts or even gets of the ground then it’s more likely that you are the problem.

[Logo]

Then why bother? First impressions are everything. If you aren't going to put your best foot forward then you're wasting your time, and hers.

 

How am I wasting anyone's time if I'm not approaching anyone. I just don't bother anymore.

 

There are tons of options out there. People meet all the time. If you're not successful you need to figure out what you're doing wrong and make some hard changes.

 

 

I live in a region of the US where women think they're a godsend, when in fact they have nothing to offer other than a few layers of makeup, a scantily clad dress and a superficial, materialistic, provincial personality. And the men seem to care about sex and nothing more. So they fit in well together.

 

 

 

But, I agree with you. I need to dumb myself down, become boring, materialistic, superficial and provincial. I'll blend in better if I get my muscles pumped and work on my bronze tan. I should stand under a coconut tree. A coconut is bound to fall and hit me on the head. Then I'll have the same intellectual capacity as the average woman I see when I go out.

 

 

 

And don't tell me about having a "positive attitude". Where do you think I started?

[Logo]

 

Now if you are meeting people with mutual interest but somehow the relationship never lasts or even gets of the ground then it’s more likely that you are the problem.

 

 

I wish that were the case because when I do, the relationship takes off and the women adore me.

 

 

The problem is finding that diamond in the rough.

[AnotherGuy1234]

What would Corey Wayne say on YouTube?

[Mr. Lucky]

I wish that were the case because when I do, the relationship takes off and the women adore me.

 

I'm a big believer in quality over quantity so I simply waited until the right one came along. Did I go dead in the water? No, but I never pursued physical attachments that weren't accompanied by an emotional connection. I wasn't the guy in the bar looking for Ms. Right as last call was announced.

 

Good things come...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Logo]

What would Corey Wayne say on YouTube?

 

 

To be honest, I did quite well before YouTube came along and with it the online coaches.

 

 

 

I'm a big believer in quality over quantity so I simply waited until the right one came along. Did I go dead in the water? No, but I never pursued physical attachments that weren't accompanied by an emotional connection. I wasn't the guy in the bar looking for Ms. Right as last call was announced.

 

Good things come...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Ironically, I crossed paths with a couple of Ms. Rights in the wrong places, such as my workplace or other venues where making advances wasn't appropriate or an option. They were interested and so was I, but the circumstances made it futile. Funny how that works.

 

 

 

Good choice of username.

[Logo]

The main thing is...people need to know what they want before even getting deep into a relationship. Don't be wishy washy and mess with the other person's feelings.

 

Like I told my girlfriend...here I am-love me or leave me...don't waste my time when there is possibly someone who will love me as I love them. We are together, but we have some disagreements. But we try to work them out. You have to if you want to be together.

 

The main key and foundation to a relationship is trust, commitment, and communication.

 

A relationship is like a building. You have to build a strong foundation if you want to support the walls and roof and the key to the relationship to open the doors. If you have doubts and are not happy then those walls and roof will come crashing down; now relationships aren't going to be fun all the time. But the two people in the relationship have to want to work together to make things better. If anyone of them has a doubt, then you might as well move on- which is hard to do.

 

Abusive relationships- leave immediately.

 

Again, like I told my girlfriend before during a casual talk...why waste someones time building that building (being so close to completing that building) and then ending it because you were afraid to end it or weren't interested in investing your time into the other person who is willing to invest their time to you?

 

You only let that building fall on that person who was really the only one putting effort into building the building. It will crush them completely and many times those people will never be the same again.

 

My point being, after sometime with a person..you should know what you want and see how they are. I am not meaning being with them for years...that is their time and your time wasted.

 

 

 

 

My last relationship seared in my memory the inescapable conclusion that there are many people out there who do not have the tools to work on a relationship and prefer instead to buy a new one, as it were. Consumer products are disposable these days, and for many, so are relationships.

 

 

 

If one of the partners simply does not have the interpersonal skills to work on a relationship when it hits the slightest of bumps, then there is no point for the other person to stick around.

 

 

 

So, yes. Building a strong foundation is an absolute necessity if it's meant to last.

[Mr. Lucky]

Good choice of username.

 

Thanks. My wife and I met at work, we actually flipped a coin to see who would quit so we could formalize our relationship. Sometimes we're required to think outside the box...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Adiron]

How am I wasting anyone's time if I'm not approaching anyone. I just don't bother anymore.

 

You said when you go out you just do and say whatever you want because you don't care. I sort of assumed you are saying and doing things to other people.

 

I live in a region of the US where women think they're a godsend, when in fact they have nothing to offer other than a few layers of makeup, a scantily clad dress and a superficial, materialistic, provincial personality. And the men seem to care about sex and nothing more. So they fit in well together.

 

No you don't. There's no "region" where all the women think they're a godsend and all the men care about sex and nothing more. You are making broad generalizations about the entire population based on your own personal experiences and biased negative observations which are just plain wrong.

 

I'll blend in better if I get my muscles pumped and work on my bronze tan.

 

It certainly won't hurt your chances of meeting someone.

 

Then I'll have the same intellectual capacity as the average woman I see when I go out.

 

The average woman you see whenever you go out is stupid. Got it. You are really bitter and jaded. It's no wonder you aren't doing well meeting people. That has everything to do with you not with all those stupid women that just happen to congregate in your geographic area.

 

And don't tell me about having a "positive attitude". Where do you think I started?

 

Doesn't matter where you started. It matters where you are right now and you my friend are NOT in a good place. The negativity is radiating off of you like the rays of the sun on a bright summer day.

[Adiron]

It is actually not true that things are just “within your power”. In dating a lot of it is due to luck, at least meeting someone with mutual attraction is

 

Disagree. Take a negative guy like yourself who has pretty much given up on meeting a woman because they're all superficial and stupid, and who is convinced it's a matter of math and the odds are against him because of some sort of predetermined bell curve and the fact that he's stuck in a geographic location literally filled with women that have absolutely nothing to offer. Now compare him to a guy who has a positive attitude, looks around him and sees a lot of beautiful women who have a lot to offer, and is out there meeting them and chatting them up at local bars, and sending out lots of messages on dating sites and participating in events that are geared towards meeting singles.

 

If I was a betting man, I know who my money is on.

[Logo]

 

No you don't. There's no "region" where all the women think they're a godsend and all the men care about sex and nothing more. You are making broad generalizations about the entire population based on your own personal experiences.

 

Perhaps not all women, but you clearly haven’t lived in all the US to make that determination. My experience is based on decades of interactions, during times when I was anywhere from positive and outgoing to cynical and introverted.

 

Let’s go with 95% of single women maybe that will comfort your delicate sensibilities.

Edited June 22, 2018 by Logo

[Mysterio]

I think that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. For me off the top of my head. I can converse with a lot of people and bring others into the conversation. My weakness. When I like a woman romantically. I can't convey it to her in a way that works for me. I think tank it way too much.

 

I am stronger at friendship than romantic dating.

 

More Later.

[Logo]

Thanks. My wife and I met at work, we actually flipped a coin to see who would quit so we could formalize our relationship. Sometimes we're required to think outside the box...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If you'd gotten to the point where you agreed to flip a coin, then you must have understood early on the risk involved in getting into a relationship with your coworkers.

 

So how did you two know it was worth the risk? I mean, at any moment, your relationship could have ended and you'd have been left seeing each other at work every day.

 

My line of reasoning is, better not go down that rabbit hole in the first place.

 

I suppose it's a matter of weighing your options and knowing when taking a risk is worth it or not.

[Chilli]

Perhaps not all women, but you clearly haven’t lived in all the US to make that determination. My experience is based on decades of interactions, during times when I was anywhere from positive and outgoing to cynical and introverted.

 

Let’s go with 95% of single women maybe that will comfort your delicate sensibilities.

 

 

Isn't the US very multicultural , so why on earth then would you even bother with American women anyway , forget it.

[Logo]

Isn't the US very multicultural , so why on earth then would you even bother with American women anyway , forget it.

 

Everyone is American in America, the US. I’m not sure what you mean.

[carhill]

When dating turns into a spreadsheet, accounting exercise and statistical analysis, IMO that's a good point to take a break from that sort of focus and shift it to events, interests or activities which flow potential partner/date meetings more organically.