Does he love her? (Updated)

[Kara97]

My close friend has been dating this much older guy (she's 20, he's 27,)

He bought her a phone after 2 weeks of knowing her. A few days later he invited her over saying "no ones home it'll be just us alone." She didn't agree as she was not ready for that sort of thing (she's a virgin, keeping it for marriage) and when she confronted him, he said he was testing her.

He gets jealous when she talks to other guys and he tries to forbid her from talking to some. He often talks badly about her close friends, for example me. He would tell her that I don't care about her and that I'm not genuine, and then puts her in a position where she has to pick between him or me. She did choose me though, and he ended up blocking her for 2 weeks before coming back again.

He makes comments about her clothes and says if he were to marry her, he'd change a lot of things about her.

She also told me the farthest they do is make out and he asks for BJ's though she claims she never did it.

On her birthday he took her to a fancy dinner and bought her expensive gifts. They've been on and off for a while now and she just found out that he had cheated on her when he traveled for a holiday.

He kept denying it and even though she knows the truth I think she will stay with him.

 

My question is he genuine about her? What do you think of this relationship? Does he deserve a chance?

I'm just worried for my friend

[mortensorchid]

You should be worried for your friend, this is not a good situation for her.

 

That being said … What to do, if anything? Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do. How does she feel about this guy? Does she see the same things you do with him? Has she complained / mentioned it in any way to you?

[Lotsgoingon]

You are very right to be worried for your friend. There's not one positive sign in your description of the relationship ...

 

But the gifts you say ... the gifts and the dinners surely show he cares about her, right? ... Absolutely not.

 

The dinner and expensive gifts are designed to impress her and intimidate her and to distract her from the psychological abuse he's inflicting on her. He doesn't know her well enough to give her a real gift that is relevant to her life. He can give her bling. Dinners, yes, expensive dinners, are completely useless in building closeness. A couple that is really into each other, can have a total blast at a diner.

 

What's really alarming is his criticism of you and her friends ... and his attempts to get her not to talk to other people ... That's a class cult isolation/abuser isolation tactic.

 

The abusers want to isolate the woman from anyone outside of the man himself ... which blocks her from getting other perspectives ... and staying connected to the world. And blocking her from friends only weakens her. She can’t call someone for help … or for emergency money … to get away from him … He becomes her only reference for judging truth and what's good and bad.

 

Second, the relentless criticism of her clothes, etc ... is all designed to undermine her esteem and to make criticism of her ... normal!

 

He's already made criticism of her a fundamental part of the relationship. The longer she stays, the lower her esteem plummets and the more she gets up every morning trying to think of how to please him and minimize the criticism. It's a total Mind *** and he's following all the behaviors abusers use.

 

The isolation + constant criticism sets up the following: one day she arrives late to a meeting with him or spends $10 more than he “gave her permission” to spend. The abuser then goes absolutely ballistic angry. Yells, screams. threatens ... and yes might even strike her. But isolated from friends and family, dependent on him, she doesn't get out of the relationship. She now works harder to please him. Next time he strikes harder. She gets more scared and compliant.

 

I know, I know ... I've watched too many damn crime shows ... but the pattern is there ... And now he has cheated ... and refuses to own up to it ... so refuses to apologize ... and she's too scared to confront him. Man, he's springing a trap on her that is so bad. Everything is bad about this guy. Every last thing.

 

So your instincts are totally on the money. She’s lucky to have a friend like you.

[O'Malley]

My question is he genuine about her? What do you think of this relationship? Does he deserve a chance

 

His behavior is that of a classic controller/abuser. Unfortunately, you can't swoop in and rescue her. Abusers are adept at isolating their partners and he's clearly started to do that, so that's a big concern. What is her family's reaction to this guy?

 

Do what you can to be an ongoing and supportive presence in her life: encourage her to continue socializing outside of the relationship, even "girls only" outings that gets her out from under this guy's thumb. Creating a space where she feels comfortable with confiding in you is key. Instead of focusing on criticizing him, if she vents about him ask her how she feels about his behavior and what she thinks she needs to do to be happy. I'd suggest contacting an abuse organization in your area to get some some professional advice on how you can help your friend. There's no easy solution, hopefully she realizes how unhealthy this guy is for her sooner rather than later.

[preraph]

He's a controlling abuser. Don't know how naive your friend is, but at 20, she'll probably interpret it as he really loves her, but she is in trouble. I would try to talk to her and explain that control is abuse and jealousy and control is dangerous, and if she doesn't listen, which at her age, she probably won't and will just say you're jealous, if you think her parents are smart and have any influence over her, you might tell one of them and ask them not to say it was you.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Dudes a little bitch,

Leave him in a ditch,

She needs a real daddy,

Not this jerk of a caddy.