She wants to be friends first and then meet ?

[Simon007]

A bit about myself: I am good with the ladies, currently in college. Have a bad rep, have been with almost 6 girls from my own class. I have been told by many that I am physically attractive (an 8 or 9) but I don't live around that. I am blessed with money from my parents, I am living the life. I have a car (won't say anything about that because I may come across a showoff). I have loads of friends, I party almost every weekend, take cocaine sometimes and always flirt with anyone I fine attractive.

 

Now now I am not a complete douche...

 

But then she came in the picture… She is elegant, decent, likes to party as well but is really self dependent... The thing I like about her the most is that she is brutally honest. She works two jobs and always makes me feel bad when she brings up the topic that I am just lucky with the wealth my parents have.

 

A girl recently joined our college. Things were great and the moment I asked her out she rejects me. She was attracted towards me and I am sure there was some attraction there because she was different around me. Anyways, as a guy I moved on and I didn't even speak with her again. I remained friendly but never initiated anything. Suddenly, she starts talking to this guy from my class. At first, I thought they might just be friends but it seems like she might have went out with him once or twice.

 

Last weekend, I met her at a party and after a regular chat, I asked her why she didn't go out with me. She said she knew I was only there to sleep with her and she wasn't interested in me that way. Though she was willing to get to know me better and wanted ME to try to be friends with her first and then maybe we could go out...

 

I don't mean to disrespect her. I don't see this as a challenge either. Thing is I fell for this girl. I really did and I really wanted to go out with her and get to know her. But its like impossible for me to change myself around her. She knows what type of a person I am but for some reason, I can't show her that I really want to get to know her and I don't even care about the sex part for the moment.

 

The other guy she is dating or is attracted to is actually a nice person. But he tends to keep her distracted all the time and I just can't even get time to talk to her.

 

How can I show this person that I am not that person she thinks I am. I mean I have done stupid things in the past, I admit that but I really want to settle down for once. I can't even tell this to my friends, they would start laughing …

 

I need some opinions guys. She hasn't really texted me, however invited our class to an event tomorrow. Should I go or just forget about it ?

Edited June 22, 2018 by Simon007

[d0nnivain]

She wants to get to know you better so spend time with her. Don't hit on her & don't pick up other girls in front of her.

 

Do G rated activities with her & show her by your actions that she can trust you.

 

You are going to have to go very slowly with this girl. Don't get too hung up on labels; you will actually be dating her non exclusively for a while with none of the benefits. She doesn't want the hugs & kisses; she really doesn't want sex. After a few months you can ask her on a proper date but even then you will have to go very slowly.

 

From her perspective you are a spoiled rich kid who gets everything he wants easily. She's not about to serve herself up on a silver platter.

[warp123]

To me it looks like she is holding you as backup plan. If she really wanted to be with you she would take the risk to get to know you. Girls at your age (and older) think they can change the bad guys. What she said is just an excuse to keep you in the reserve. If things go well with his guy youll be ghosted.

 

If you still want to try, go slow, earn her trust.

 

And please stop doing cocaine, man!

[Simon007]

So I was out last night with her and the guy (I assume she is going out with) and another friend of ours.

 

She was actually out with them and I joined them later. As the bar closed, me and her headed together to catch the same bus. On the way, I asked her why she wouldn't go out for drinks with me one on one.

 

And she tells me she doesn't know. I asked her again, and she just said she really doesn't know but she was still willing to go out for a cup of coffee.

 

I never hear from her ? Days go by and she never initiates any text. She replies to almost all of my text messages but would end the conversation just like that, sometimes without even replying to general statement texts.

 

 

I just don't get it what she really wants. Last night, while I was talking to her, the other guy sends her a text message right in front of me. She doesn't reply to him but I never really saw anything serious going on between the two of them. I just don't how to proceed from here...

[warp123]

You fall in the same problem i've fallen many times. You are under her control.

 

She dates the other guy and puts you on hold: she knows you are chasing her, she just needs to say when and where and youll be there like a puppy.

 

She controls the setting: doesnt want to have drinks with you, but is okay with coffees. Which is probably a lie anyways to make you keep interest on her, while she does as she pleases with the other guy.

 

 

Normally if things dont flow since the beginning, they wont flow at all. Have some pride and dont be someone else's second plan.

[Simon007]

You fall in the same problem i've fallen many times. You are under her control.

 

She dates the other guy and puts you on hold: she knows you are chasing her, she just needs to say when and where and youll be there like a puppy.

 

She controls the setting: doesnt want to have drinks with you, but is okay with coffees. Which is probably a lie anyways to make you keep interest on her, while she does as she pleases with the other guy.

 

 

Normally if things dont flow since the beginning, they wont flow at all. Have some pride and dont be someone else's second plan.

 

What have I become Jesus

 

She would never have any control over me. But I think you are right, she has this effect on me. She doesn't even tell me a date for that coffee, she is just plainly saying that she will have coffee with me.

 

I think its time to set up a definite date with her and see how she responds.

 

You are right about things not flowing between us. When you meet someone, and if both parties are interested, things naturally flow and you don't even have to make such an effort to gain her attention or to talk to her because that person would always be there and waiting for you to text her. But I am in a situation, where she has low interest in me due to my behavior, something she is basically just judging me on.

 

I would rather keep my pride. Its not like if she doesn't text me so I text her. I haven't texted her either. She knows that. I just want her to commit to what we agreed on and if things don't work out, I don't need her as a friend in my life. I have too many friends and I am not interested in her like that.

[Andy_K]

She would never have any control over me

 

She already does.

 

I would rather keep my pride

 

At this point, you achieve this by giving up on the chase. By not competing with some other guy for her time and attention, or playing her game.

 

I don't need her as a friend in my life. I have too many friends and I am not interested in her like that

 

If you're not interested in her as a friend, why pretend you want to get to know her? Not everyone that you're compatible with friends-wise would be a good romantic partner, but any potential partner should also make a good friend. If you have no interest in the friendship part alone, the 'get to know her' is merely something you're willing to put up with in order to sleep with her. There's nothing inherently wrong with being promiscuous, but you should be honest with others (and with yourself) about what your intentions are

[stillafool]

Your obsession for her is rooted in her rejection of you. You are not used to being rejected by women so this girl rejecting you has made you see her as some sort of prize. Realize this and also that you don't get everyone that you want and this is just a lesson. She just doesn't seem interested.

[Simon007]

I really appreciate every single reply.

 

I don't really know how to put this but I actually do want her in my life. I do want to get to know her as a person. All relationships are based on good friendships. What I really meant to say was that, if I am able to generate a spark with her then things could escalate from there.

 

But the problem is that she is not willing to do that. She seems to have already made a decision that I have low interest in him and a coffee would not change anything. To me it seems like that she just wants to have a cup of coffee with me to get it out of the way and so that I can then finally leave her alone. But I never even text her, nor engage in a conversation with her. I just see her once a week and we generally talk. I can't even say that I am full on chasing her. In my dictionary chasing a girl means, going after her and texting her with sms constantly. But maybe I am wrong.

 

What should be my approach ?

 

I mean she said she wanted the coffee, shall I just continue moving on with my life and let her decide if she even wants to text me regarding the coffee thing. I can't remind her of that constantly…

 

I want her to make an effort now at least. If she wants to go out, she could text me either if its in one week, one month or one year time...

 

Or should I completely forget about her ?

 

I do care about her and just don't want to have sex with her. I see potential but maybe she just doesn't feel the same way...

Edited June 25, 2018 by Simon007

[stillafool]

I think you should move along unless she makes a coffee date with you. It does seem that she was just throwing the "coffee" thing out there just to get you off her back. She has very low interest and that's why you want her. Realize this.

[Simon007]

I think you should move along unless she makes a coffee date with you. It does seem that she was just throwing the "coffee" thing out there just to get you off her back. She has very low interest and that's why you want her. Realize this.

 

 

I really had a thought about this and I am sure you are right. Her not texting me is a major sign that she has no or low interest in me. She perhaps just wants to maintain platonic friendship even though she knows this already that I will never agree to this. Moreover, she is getting me off her back by not even texting or keeping in touch with me. I have to realize this that maybe its better to let her go.

[AnotherGuy1234]

Lay off the drugs or women won't be your only issue.

[Simon007]

Lay off the drugs or women won't be your only issue.

 

That's really not the case. She is simply just not interested in me. Maybe she just wants a platonic relationship. And to be honest, I doubt she'll ever mention the coffee thing.

 

I have totally given up hopes on this one.

[AnotherGuy1234]

That's really not the case. She is simply just not interested in me. Maybe she just wants a platonic relationship. And to be honest, I doubt she'll ever mention the coffee thing.

 

I have totally given up hopes on this one.

 

And you may find the right one and she will hate to find out you use coke.

[spiderowl]

I think I must be missing something. She has said she will have a coffee with you hasn’t she? Well just suggest a time and place then. If she doesn’t agree on a mutually convenient time, then she is really not interested.

 

I get the impression she is wary of you because of your reputation. She wants to control the situation and make sure that if you two do go out together that she gets chance to talk with you without you expecting sex. It’s a way both of you can relax and get to know each other. If you genuinely want to get to know her, then that’s the way to do it.

 

Physical attraction can be a great deceiver. You can think you like someone because they look good, then you find out they are not nice people or boring. I would do the same as her. I would take ‘dates’ and the physical thing out of the picture until I got to know you. If, after a few meetings, we become good friends and enjoy each other’s company, then I will know there is potential there. If a guy only wants dates and kissing (or more), then I know it’s purely physical and not likely to become a true and long-lasting relationship.

 

I think she’s giving you a chance to show you are more than a Casanova. It depends on whether you are interested enough to get to know her properly or not.

[Simon007]

I think I must be missing something. She has said she will have a coffee with you hasn’t she? Well just suggest a time and place then. If she doesn’t agree on a mutually convenient time, then she is really not interested.

 

I get the impression she is wary of you because of your reputation. She wants to control the situation and make sure that if you two do go out together that she gets chance to talk with you without you expecting sex. It’s a way both of you can relax and get to know each other. If you genuinely want to get to know her, then that’s the way to do it.

 

Physical attraction can be a great deceiver. You can think you like someone because they look good, then you find out they are not nice people or boring. I would do the same as her. I would take ‘dates’ and the physical thing out of the picture until I got to know you. If, after a few meetings, we become good friends and enjoy each other’s company, then I will know there is potential there. If a guy only wants dates and kissing (or more), then I know it’s purely physical and not likely to become a true and long-lasting relationship.

 

I think she’s giving you a chance to show you are more than a Casanova. It depends on whether you are interested enough to get to know her properly or not.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

She mentioned the coffee and even while I wanted to set up a coffee date with her, I just never suggested any possible date. I wanted her to make a move if she was willing to but I knew that would never happen.

 

Here is an update to what has happened so far:

We became friends again but everything has changed. The way we talk and the way she texts me has changed. Now that she knows that I am interested in her. She responds to my texts alright but always ends the conversation. We don't exchange more than 2-3 texts. And since 2 weeks now, I never initiated contact with her. I had given up on all of this.

 

Yesterday, my last day at college, I was wishing everyone good luck for their exams and told our common friends that I will see them around sooner than later. I saw her coming across the corridor and then she looks me dead in the eyes for several seconds (lasted like 10 seconds) and then I start wondering why would she do that. I wasn't thinking and I go up to her and tell her goodbye and that I will see her around some day and she goes like why ? Aren't you going to come here anymore for writing and stuff and I just replied no I won't.

 

 

We said our goodbyes and then I left the building. I felt like I should had done something. So I texted her one more time, just to put the ball in her court if I was overthinking about stuff. I texted her, ''I completely forgot, but if you ever become interested in that coffee, shoot me a text, see you ''. She replied back after an hour saying, ''Yes! Sounds good, as soon as I am done with my experiments (hopefully soon), I will invite you for coffee''. Everything was falling to place.

 

 

This was great news to me in a way. But what happens today was completely different. I had forgotten my laptop charger back at the Uni, so I went back to get it today. As soon as I got there, I saw her and the guy (that I think she is dating) coming in together. They came together and left together and all of this just looks to me that she wants to keep me as an option...

 

 

 

One of our common friend then tells me that both of them drink coffee together, get lunch together, go out together, I mean everything a normal couple does, so why on Earth am I wasting my time on her ? I really didn't have an answer to that.

 

 

She is gorgeous but not the most gorgeous woman I have laid my eyes upon. But for once, just this once, I didn't go for her looks but more for the way she is, her personality (as far as I know her) and I just wanted to meet her simply to see if I was right and if I was able to generate a spark and maybe escalate things from there.

 

 

I must admit that today I felt so inferior and worthless, as if both of them felt sorry for me, especially the guy because he doesn't even say hi to me anymore. Pretty sure he knows now. But what really was going on in my head was that, look what have I become, once I could pull off any girl I wanted to and today I have completely lost my ego, my confidence. I have literally just been judged like a closed book...

 

Will she text me regarding that coffee now ? Maybe she will or maybe she won't but the question here is that should I really go ?

 

She isn't being straightforward with me, she could simply just tell me, look I am dating this guy but if you still want that coffee we can go. Instead she doesn't even admit it. One of our common friends asked her this very same question, ''I see the two of you all the time together, are you guys seeing each other ?'' and then she replies, ''No, we are just good friends''. I don't buy that crap. Maybe they are just good friends but no friend walks to Uni together with a girl and leaves with her, is constantly surrounded with her.

 

 

But then again, she maybe wants to get that coffee thing out of the way and get it over with, or perhaps she is still thinking its a friendly coffee and things will never escalate…

 

I realized that her staring me dead in the eyes yesterday was a form of validation. She just wanted to give me a message, ''I have you where I want you and you are still hooked''...

 

I really don't know what to do from here, should I go if the time comes or should I simply ignore her message and move on because I am literally tired of this, tired of caring for someone who isn't even bothered...

[Simon007]

Hey guys been a while.

 

It's been a bit over two weeks now and neither did she nor I initiate contact with each other. It's quite obvious that she is not interested in me.

 

I however, have been doing quite well and can safely say I am over her at least 80 %, if not completely. I also met someone new, and I think talking to her makes me realize that I was missing out on a lot. Now this person is giving me textbook signs when a girl is interested. She plays around with her hair when talking to me, focuses to what I have to say, laughs at my terrible jokes and even invites me out for drinks. But I am taking my time and I don't want to invest myself too quickly and deeply just like before.

 

Coming to the main point, now the other girl (the one who ain't interested in me) finishes her work this week and so her holidays start from there. She said she will text me regarding that coffee and I actually don't care if she does or doesn't. But my question is should I really go ? I mean I am doing great and I don't need such people in my life, who I have to convince to be with me.

 

The thing is that if she now really does text me, it would be rude to ignore her text. And it might be stupid going over there for a cup of coffee. Not really sure how to react in a situation like this. Hopefully I will get some good advice to think over.

[Art_Critic]

I think that if she does text you that you will know the answer...

[AnotherGuy1234]

Never be with someone who waste your time. Life is short. Go have some fun with this new chick!

[LurkerXX]

Look...she is a working stiff...she cannot lose focus on her goals for a timewaster, just because he is easy on the eyes.

 

You mght as well be from another galaxy, as alien and different your life and priorities are. You want trouble free fn...she is not it; look elsewhere.