Long distance relationship problems

[Jane555]

Hello. I need some advice if somebody would kindly like to help me.

 

So here is the story: So I moved to London about 3 years ago, where I met my bf and now we have been together 2 years. We are both Irish and as I hated my job and was tired of the constant rat race in London, I moved home to Ireland around 6 weeks ago but my bf is still in London and we have agreed to a long distance relationship for now. My plan is to move back to London when I find a suitable job.

 

Anyway, I decided to go to London last weekend to visit my BF. He had his work summer party that Friday night so I went to his apartment first and then he arrived there at about 11pm after the party. I saw he was being very secretive with his phone and was getting lots of messages and acting weird with me, so I pretended I was just joking with him and grabbed the phone off him (I've never done that before but this time my gut was telling me something wasn't right)! Then I saw on his phone he was texting his friend from Ireland about this girl Sarah he was seeing from work before we started dating, which would have been over 2 years ago, but he told me they stopped seeing eachother as there was no spark and it was completely awkward at work because she wasn't happy the way things ended, so they barely spoke 2 words to eachother.

 

So the message said "OMG lad, you know that girl Sarah I was seeing before, I think I've rekindled things with her tonight at my work summer party, I've opened a can of worms now, what is wrong with me lad''. When I saw that message my heart actually broke as he was the first man I've ever fell in love with and I trusted him with my life. I just didn't expect it! When I said it to him we had a massive fight and then he broke down and he said ''That message sounds terrible and I'm so sorry but I hadn't texted my friend from home in ages and us lads can sometimes put on an act to pretend we are the hard men. I was talking to Sarah at the party as she came up to me and my friend and I didn't want to walk away and be even more awkward. I said those things to my friend to appear cool and like I was the hard man, lads go on with a lot of rubbish talk like that and it was stupid of me, I shoudn't have done it ". Do lads really put on an act and make up rubbish to impress their friends, from a guys point of view??? The next day he started shaking he was so sad as I told him it was over and he said '' I'm so annoyed with myself because now you're going to throw 2 years of an amazing relationship away over a stupid text that I completely dramatised just as a brovado act'' and I told him yes I am because I have no proof, I only have your words to go by and it was a completely disrespectful thing to say to your friend, as if I wasn't even in the picture anymore. He was shaking so bad and said i'm just so angry with myself because I knew I meant nothing by it but obviously that's hard for you to see''.

 

Can somebody give me some advice please, long distance is so difficult . Many thanks for your help in advance !!

[olivetree]

I think you did the right thing.

The trust is broken now.

Do you want to be constantly questioning what is the truth?

 

You also said he was getting lots of messages but it seems you only saw one of them.

My guess is that he was also talking to Sarah.

I think he's lying about it being one message to his friend with too much "bravado".

 

He was clearly flirting up a storm with Sarah at the party.

Not the kind of guy I'd want to build a future with personally.

[Gaeta]

Yes men like to exagerate to impress each other.

 

 

 

Did you ask all the details of why he thinks he opened a can of worms?

[HiCrunchy]

I think you did the right thing.

The trust is broken now.

Do you want to be constantly questioning what is the truth?

 

You also said he was getting lots of messages but it seems you only saw one of them.

My guess is that he was also talking to Sarah.

I think he's lying about it being one message to his friend with too much "bravado".

 

He was clearly flirting up a storm with Sarah at the party.

Not the kind of guy I'd want to build a future with personally.

 

Agreed. Not the kind guy u need.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't buy that this is something he made up to be impress his friends, no.

 

He got caught confessing to having opened a door he shouldn't have opened with this other girl. And now he's realized just how hurtful his behaviour is to you, hence his apparent upset about the whole episode.

[d0nnivain]

I could buy him putting on the bravado in front of his mates but not texting one afterwards about it. That part makes it real.

 

Apparently your guy was less enamored with the distance then he let on.

 

Since he proved himself untrustworthy, go back to Ireland & forget about him. Stop looking for work in London & get on with your life.

 

Sorry.

[Sunlight72]

Hopefully by now you've already decided and done what you will.

 

 

I will ad though - I agree very much with d0nnivain, and...

 

 

Remember, you show people how to treat you. I'm sorry he lost focus on you so soon after you were not in front of his face, but he did. If you stick with him, be aware that he will feel (even if he's too timid to say it to himself or you) that he has leeway to play around with other women, and you will still be waiting at home. For ever, as long as you two are together.

 

 

Painful, but, if you leave him, it will teach him if he wants a good woman at home, he cannot play with others just because he is out of her sight. Doesn't help you, I know, but that's what is left.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't know how old you bf is ...

 

But the whole exaggeration thing ... that's like so high school ... maybe even junior high ... by the time you become an adult, you have friends who know what you're like and who you really are ...

 

Let's say he is telling the truth ... Then you've got a bf who is immature, superficial, juvenile even ... with a juvenile friendship going on ...(Find out what time at night his parents expect him to return home ... And ask him if he has driving privileges.)

 

The whole point of talking to a friend as an adult is to check in and share about where exactly you are in your life right now ...

 

Really cool that you trusted your gut ... that your alarm bells were functioning ... that you noticed his evasive body language with the phone ... all excellent instincts ... not sure you need any wisdom from us ...

 

Really impressed the way you acted in the moment ... which is such a challenge for so many of us ... who feel uncomfortable at something odd ... but then freeze and have to think through what we could have done later.

 

Trust those instincts!!!