Author Aloha123 Posted June 22, 2018 Author Share Posted June 22, 2018 I've never been in the same position, but I would say that you forgive yourself by reminding yourself that you have learned something from this experience... You have learned that you need to get your own emotional house in order. You have learned not to be so trusting and naive next time. You have learned, perhaps, the value of your marriage and your family. You have the opportunity every single day to make a different decision... to be a woman of integrity, to reinvest in yourself and your family and make things right again... Don't take that opportunity, that great gift, for granted. Good luck. Yes I keep trying to convince myself that I need to cut my losses while I still have the chance. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2018 Share Posted June 22, 2018 Yes I keep trying to convince myself that I need to cut my losses while I still have the chance. Indeed, because if you don't... you may lose to control your own destiny in the future... with respect to your marriage, and your family life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2018 Share Posted June 22, 2018 No offense, but as a single person that has been single for quite awhile, I don’t understand how you can’t just stop. I mean...I’m definitely not one for long distance relationships... but if you only see the person every month or two or three... it’s hardly even seems like a relationship as far as I’m concerned. And you have another relationship, (even if it is lackluster). I don’t have ANY romantic relationships and it would be hard for me to get that involved with a long distance thing where I don’t really even get to see the person. Can you develop a hobby or something to distract you? Block the person? Try to spend the extra energy on your marriage or working out or a new hobby or volunteering or something? It sounds like this relationship is a dead end. And this is your one and only life, so why waste it on something that isn’t going anywhere and has the potential to hurt people. I often think the same... people for whom the relationship brings nothing but pain, and they know that it brings nothing but pain... people who are risking everything they value most in the world... but say, "I can't stop." I don't understand either... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 22, 2018 Author Share Posted June 22, 2018 As far as finding something else to do, the universe recently threw me a lifeline when I got the opportunity out of the blue to go back to my old job temporarily on a part-time basis (which I had quit about 5 years ago to become a stay at home mom) So that is a huge step in the right direction for me, in terms of regaining my self confidence and giving me something to do. If nothing else, the affair made me face the fact that staying at home was making me bored out of my mind. And yet, it is a desk job, so I still leave my email open all day waiting to hear from him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 22, 2018 Author Share Posted June 22, 2018 I often think the same... people for whom the relationship brings nothing but pain, and they know that it brings nothing but pain... people who are risking everything they value most in the world... but say, "I can't stop." I don't understand either... I'm sure I thought the same exact thing until I found myself in the middle of it. Why do you think I feel like such a fool?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 22, 2018 Share Posted June 22, 2018 This is like watching yourself play with fire then cry about how hot it was after you got burned. Like, either continue the affair or stop it. What's so hard about it all? I don't get you people. Play with him just as much as he plays with you. Set up dates and cancel on him. Have him buy you your vacations. Use him as he's using you. Why do you allow yourself to get emotionally involved with a married dude then cry about how unfair it is. Treat it as it is. You knew it was an affair from the start. He wasn't ever going to be your man. What's changed other than your own emotions that are obviously not under control? What the ****. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 22, 2018 Author Share Posted June 22, 2018 This is like watching yourself play with fire then cry about how hot it was after you got burned. Like, either continue the affair or stop it. What's so hard about it all? I don't get you people. Play with him just as much as he plays with you. Set up dates and cancel on him. Have him buy you your vacations. Use him as he's using you. Why do you allow yourself to get emotionally involved with a married dude then cry about how unfair it is. Treat it as it is. You knew it was an affair from the start. He wasn't ever going to be your man. What's changed other than your own emotions that are obviously not under control? What the ****. You don't know how ironic your response is, seeing as the MM is ... a firefighter! To clarify, I am not crying about how unfair it is. I realize I have nobody but myself to blame for getting in over my head. At this point, if I am a "victim" of anything, it is my own compulsive, obsessive and addictive behavior. BTW, I actually appreciate that your reply did not rhyme -- I will take it with that degree of seriousness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 22, 2018 Share Posted June 22, 2018 You don't know how ironic your response is, seeing as the MM is ... a firefighter! To clarify, I am not crying about how unfair it is. I realize I have nobody but myself to blame for getting in over my head. At this point, if I am a "victim" of anything, it is my own compulsive, obsessive and addictive behavior. BTW, I actually appreciate that your reply did not rhyme -- I will take it with that degree of seriousness. So wallow in self pity or get over it. Holy ****. I don't mean to be rude but all of your replies reek of "oh my god, I'm in so much pain" except it's self inflicted and nothing has changed except your own emotions. Don't want to get hurt? Stop hurting yourself if you can't handle a married dude! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 22, 2018 Author Share Posted June 22, 2018 So wallow in self pity or get over it. Holy ****. I don't mean to be rude but all of your replies reek of "oh my god, I'm in so much pain" except it's self inflicted and nothing has changed except your own emotions. Don't want to get hurt? Stop hurting yourself if you can't handle a married dude! I don't disagree with any of this. It is probably advice I would give to somebody else in my shoes. Hell, it is advice I DO give to other people in my shoes on this very forum. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 22, 2018 Share Posted June 22, 2018 Aloha, figure out why you were so susceptible to the relationship, you'll find the weakness in yourself and be more likely then to have compassion enough for yourself to forgive yourself and end it. I figured out why I was susceptible (dead marriage) and ended the marriage so both my xH and I could have a chance at being happy. But MM chooses to keep his marriage and I've allowed him to stay in my life. So I haven't got my mystery fully figured out yet! Just a side note, if you remember back before you got involved in your affair, I'm sure you would have said anyone doing such a thing would have to be crazy, have no pride, no self-esteem, no morals, no ethics, yada yada. I would have too. I would have also sworn I would never be involved in such a thing. Those who haven't been in a similar situation will never get it so don't get too down on yourself about that. Just keep working on finding your way out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 22, 2018 Author Share Posted June 22, 2018 (edited) Aloha, figure out why you were so susceptible to the relationship, you'll find the weakness in yourself and be more likely then to have compassion enough for yourself to forgive yourself and end it. I figured out why I was susceptible (dead marriage) and ended the marriage so both my xH and I could have a chance at being happy. But MM chooses to keep his marriage and I've allowed him to stay in my life. So I haven't got my mystery fully figured out yet! Just a side note, if you remember back before you got involved in your affair, I'm sure you would have said anyone doing such a thing would have to be crazy, have no pride, no self-esteem, no morals, no ethics, yada yada. I would have too. I would have also sworn I would never be involved in such a thing. Those who haven't been in a similar situation will never get it so don't get too down on yourself about that. Just keep working on finding your way out! Thank you. Yes I am mostly looking for input from other "other women" who have been there and done that and get it and understand why we find ourselves in these situations and how hard it is to extract ourselves from them. And yes of course nobody thinks they would sink to these levels themselves. I mean, the judgment from everybody else who has not been in one of these situations themselves, I obviously take with a grain of salt. That being said, I also need the "wake up call", because the judgmental response from strangers online is nothing compared to the reaction and judgment I would get from people in my real life, most of who have not "been there done that " either and would hardly be coming from a place of empathy or compassion! Edited June 22, 2018 by Aloha123 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Thank you. Yes I am mostly looking for input from other "other women" who have been there and done that and get it and understand why we find ourselves in these situations and how hard it is to extract ourselves from them. And yes of course nobody thinks they would sink to these levels themselves. I mean, the judgment from everybody else who has not been in one of these situations themselves, I obviously take with a grain of salt. That being said, I also need the "wake up call", because the judgmental response from strangers online is nothing compared to the reaction and judgment I would get from people in my real life, most of who have not "been there done that " either and would hardly be coming from a place of empathy or compassion! So how many Male obgyn have had babies? Not having been in a situation doesn't make someone unqualified in terms of knowledge in that area. Bad marriages don't have affairs and don't cause affairs. Why you've done this you have already explained. Your boundaries are weak, sure that up and you will quickly find yourself free of the addiction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 (edited) So Aloha, does your husband know? It's not just how YOU feel. There is also the matter of the devastation and betrayal you are laying on your own family, lying and cheating on them behind their back. Edited June 23, 2018 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Thank you. Yes I am mostly looking for input from other "other women" who have been there and done that and get it and understand why we find ourselves in these situations and how hard it is to extract ourselves from them. And yes of course nobody thinks they would sink to these levels themselves. I mean, the judgment from everybody else who has not been in one of these situations themselves, I obviously take with a grain of salt. That being said, I also need the "wake up call", because the judgmental response from strangers online is nothing compared to the reaction and judgment I would get from people in my real life, most of who have not "been there done that " either and would hardly be coming from a place of empathy or compassion! That's the point I'm trying to make. I'm not judging you. ****, I'd gladly sleep with a married woman as long as I knew exactly what I was getting into. I'd also keep it exactly as it was, basically a FWB situation. I'd never expect them to leave their SO and I'd never expect it to develop more than it was from the beginning. You're whining about being in an affair and how you can't handle it yet that's exactly what you signed up for. You didn't sign up to fall in love with an attached guy and hope he would opt out of his marriage. He told you straight up he won't ever leave his marriage. So as I said earlier, quit your whining and continue your affair and be happy that you're getting exactly what you signed up for, or end it and find someone available and willing to be in your life. This whole "pity on me for the situation I placed myself into except I'm getting exactly what I want" thing is a total waste of your time. Accept it and keep it as is, or end it. I fail to see the difficulty in that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 23, 2018 Author Share Posted June 23, 2018 That's the point I'm trying to make. I'm not judging you. ****, I'd gladly sleep with a married woman as long as I knew exactly what I was getting into. I'd also keep it exactly as it was, basically a FWB situation. I'd never expect them to leave their SO and I'd never expect it to develop more than it was from the beginning. You're whining about being in an affair and how you can't handle it yet that's exactly what you signed up for. You didn't sign up to fall in love with an attached guy and hope he would opt out of his marriage. He told you straight up he won't ever leave his marriage. So as I said earlier, quit your whining and continue your affair and be happy that you're getting exactly what you signed up for, or end it and find someone available and willing to be in your life. This whole "pity on me for the situation I placed myself into except I'm getting exactly what I want" thing is a total waste of your time. Accept it and keep it as is, or end it. I fail to see the difficulty in that! Ok now THAT is some good advice. Forgive me but I am still coming out of a thick fog of self-delusion and denial. But maybe going forward it does not need to be some long drawn out thing, maybe it is just a matter of deciding to "snap out of it." I agree with you 100% that the moving target here was me not him. I am the one whose expectations changed over time and got out of whack with what this situation actually is or ever was. Not to justify it at all, but as many other OW on the forum can attest to, this is a pretty typical pattern. One night when I couldn't sleep I wrote a horrible, god-awful, cringe-inducing rhyming "poem" about how and why this situation had to end. Maybe one day when this is all over I will share it with you as i'm pretty sure you are the only one who could fully "appreciate" it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 23, 2018 Author Share Posted June 23, 2018 So Aloha, does your husband know? It's not just how YOU feel. There is also the matter of the devastation and betrayal you are laying on your own family, lying and cheating on them behind their back. Believe it or not, I actually thank you for saying that now. Link to post Share on other sites
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