Rude Teenage Restaurant Behavior?!

[Otter2569]

My GF's daughter acts rudely (IMO) every time the 3 of us go out to eat:

 

>she complains about things - a lot

>she frowns and has a sour face the ENTIRE TIME

>she will put her head on the table like she is exhausted

>she helps herself to our food (GF n I often get apps for our meal) but if you ever go to try something on her plate (in response) she lets out a resounding "NO!!!" and pulls her food away

>when SHE is done eating she gets up and leaves the table to go sit in the car

>last night as she is leaving she sternly says to us"Don't be long!"

 

Yes some of this is normal teenage stuff and is to be expected however it is also VERY RUDE (it ruins the evening for me). I almost lost it after the "don be long" comment. Thank goodness GF reprimanded her when we went to the car.

 

GF says I should tell her daughter how her behavior makes me/us feel. Rude/disrespectful behavior is my pet peeve and although I look calm on the outside it boils my blood. I do not feel I should try to tackle this situation when I feel upset or emotional. I dread the thought of causing a scene. I also do NOT look forward to having her out to eat with us again.

 

How could you effectively handle this type of situation?

Edited June 23, 2018 by Otter2569

[littleblackheart]

How could you effectively handle this type of situation?

 

 

How would you like to handle it? Are you frustrated with your GF's parental skills or with the child herself? Has your GF greenlighted you sharing some of the parental responsibility? Is her father around? How long have you known them? Do you live together?

 

I'll stop the interrogation there! It's just a little difficult to know what to say without a basic background.

[Otter2569]

How would you like to handle it? Are you frustrated with your GF's parental skills or with the child herself? Has your GF greenlighted you sharing some of the parental responsibility? Is her father around? How long have you known them? Do you live together?

 

We do not live together but have been a couple for 2.5 years

 

Her father is uninvolved and lives out of state. They do not have much of a relationship. GF has her daughter full time. I have 2 teenage boys of my own.

 

Sounds like I have some greenlight to share responsibility. I am conscientious to not over step my bounds and typically keep my opinions to my self unless I feel it would be helpful.

 

GF, I feel, is a good mother. We don't always handle things the same way and that's ok. Philosophically we agree. Like this situation: GF recognizes the challenges and emotions of being a young woman and probes more into feelings. I expect people to conduct themselves properly in public and to treat each other with respect.

 

The girl is a good kid: smart, loving and very caring but also emotional and distant at times. She can be abrasive and domineering as if trying to assert herself over us or to get her way and that is where I struggle with the behavior.

[TheRainbow]

This wouldn't fly with me. If I was dating someone and my daughter talked like was described there would be consequences. I'm pretty laid back, but back talk and general disrespect is not acceptable.

[preraph]

That's only normal teenage behavior if the child was never taught not to be rude to adults (and others) and has been allowed to act however she wants without repercussions, something more than a talking to.

 

It's the mother's place to do that. It's probably too late since she's a teenager to change her horrible manners and rude behavior and stop her from continuing to boss her mother around. Telling her how you feel? How about "You're not the boss of me"?

 

Meanwhile, since the mother knows, I'd ask not to bring the teen along, simple as that, or when she asks, say, Is __ coming? Then, No, thank you. It wasn't very fun last time. I'll wait until just the two of us can enjoy ourselves.

[Otter2569]

This wouldn't fly with me. If I was dating someone and my daughter talked like was described there would be consequences. I'm pretty laid back, but back talk and general disrespect is not acceptable.

 

Amen Rainbow! I am the most easy going man I know but I have little to no tolerance for rudeness, disrespect and o lying (and she had done them all to us/me several times).

 

It really burns my butt!!

[Otter2569]

….Meanwhile, since the mother knows, I'd ask not to bring the teen along, simple as that, or when she asks, say, Is __ coming? Then, No, thank you. It wasn't very fun last time. I'll wait until just the two of us can enjoy ourselves.

 

Thank you Preraph! That's exactly what I am going to do (and was thinking I need to do - for my own sanity). This type of thing has happened almost every we have gone out together. It is unacceptable behavior and it almost always throws me into an internal rage.

 

If my kids EVER did that I would drive them home without them having a meal and I would never take then out again.

[littleblackheart]

We do not live together but have been a couple for 2.5 years

 

Her father is uninvolved and lives out of state. They do not have much of a relationship. GF has her daughter full time. I have 2 teenage boys of my own.

 

Sounds like I have some greenlight to share responsibility. I am conscientious to not over step my bounds and typically keep my opinions to my self unless I feel it would be helpful.

 

GF, I feel, is a good mother. We don't always handle things the same way and that's ok. Philosophically we agree. Like this situation: GF recognizes the challenges and emotions of being a young woman and probes more into feelings. I expect people to conduct themselves properly in public and to treat each other with respect.

 

The girl is a good kid: smart, loving and very caring but also emotional and distant at times. She can be abrasive and domineering as if trying to assert herself over us or to get her way and that is where I struggle with the behavior.

 

Then I'd say something, at least to back mum up. It looks like you're on the same page anyway. Your standards in terms of behaviour in public seem totally reasonable.

 

If she can't contain herself, it's probably best she doesn't come at all. What's your relationship like with her in general?

[Otter2569]

GF thinks we shouldn't take her moods personally and that its all part of growing up. We should let her be herself and be supportive. I agree but feel the unnecessary negativity and bad manners is draining to be around. GF however, will only take so much then tell her daughter to take a nap /go for a walk and think about why she is acting / feeling this way - which I totally agree with.

 

Honest to god, if you could see the look and the frown on this kids face you'd think she just lost her dog. Once we had a waitress ask what was wrong and try to make her smile (which did not work at all). Personally I as mortified.

 

GF did bring her to a therapist who said she is fine (which I find shocking). GF is now going to this therapist (go figure LOL).

Edited June 24, 2018 by Otter2569

[Otter2569]

...What's your relationship like with her in general?

 

I'd say very good. I treat her like my own: I am always friendly, open, respectful and light hearted. When she opens up we have some very good conversations about real things, we go to the movies, do crafts and normal family things like shopping, errands, weekend trips, vacations, holidays etc.

 

I think I may be perceived as a threat (even after 2.5 years): a threat to her power base and possible jealousy with the relationship I have with her mom. The daughter has a VERY dominant, take charge personality. When I am NOT there she is the Alpha Girl: she is empowered and calls the shots. When I am there, I am the Alpha Dog. I also get her moms time, attention and I have a say in what we do and where we go. I am aware of this so try to make everything a win-win situation, where possible. I also back up her mom. Fairness and respect are paramount with me so I consider everyone in making decisions. The treatment we get, especially while dining out, is unacceptable.

 

I'm sure the best thing would be to call out the behavior as its happening but being the BF, being in public and the emotional state of everyone makes me uncomfortable.

[littleblackheart]

I'm sure the best thing would be to call out the behavior as its happening but being the BF, being in public and the emotional state of everyone makes me uncomfortable.

 

Would a 'one strike and you're out' thing work? Like explicitely spell out what you both want from her before you set off, tell her it's her choice / responsibility if she doesn't behave appropriately and dangle a nice carrot (whatever she's into) if she does meet your expectations? Like positive reinforcement as opposed to punishment or making a scene in public?

 

If she doesn't behave in a respectful way, that'd be her choice in full awareness. You'd have to follow through on not taking her next time, though.

 

You may have to do that a few times before it works. I do that with my kids and it mostly works (mostly!) but they're not yet sulky teenagers.

[nittygritty]

GF thinks we shouldn't take her moods personally and that its all part of growing up. We should let her be herself and be supportive. I agree but feel the unnecessary negativity and bad manners is draining to be around. GF however, will only take so much then tell her daughter to take a nap /go for a walk and think about why she is acting / feeling this way - which I totally agree with.

 

Honest to god, if you could see the look and the frown on this kids face you'd think she just lost her dog. Once we had a waitress ask what was wrong and try to make her smile (which did not work at all). Personally I as mortified.

 

GF did bring her to a therapist who said she is fine (which I find shocking). GF is now going to this therapist (go figure LOL).

 

It’s a phase. Part of growing up. Teenagers don’t usually want to hang out with their parents in public. Especially mom and her boyfriend. I think you should stay out of it, let it go and let her Mom handle it.

 

Her Mom’s got to kind of pick and choose which battles are worthy of making a big deal out of while her daughter goes thru the teen years. Her daughter is going to rebel more if her boyfriend tries to control her daughter’s behavior. Always excluding the daughter won’t help either. Teenagers struggle with trying to assert some independence from parent as their own separate person with all kinds of confusing, mixed up emotions they are feeling and also sometimes just wanting to revert back to just being a little kid again. The rollercoaster goes on until they reach adulthood.

[preraph]

I was an extreme teenager, but I would never have been that rude to someone not even in the family. I was taught better manners than that at home and at school. This girl is running the household. I disagree the mother is a good mother. I think she's a good friend and afraid to make her daughter not like her, which she already doesn't respect her, so to me, that's worse than a teen not liking you. The mother has let her run the show and it's likely too late to fix it. Sometimes this happens when you're in a single-parent environment. Between their guilt at not having a second parent and the single parent wanting someone to rely on and bounce things off of, they give a child too much power and decision making ability and end up with no respect -- because kids need to not be the ones making decisions for themselves and their family.

[littleblackheart]

The mother has let her run the show and it's likely too late to fix it. Sometimes this happens when you're in a single-parent environment. Between their guilt at not having a second parent and the single parent wanting someone to rely on and bounce things off of, they give a child too much power and decision making ability and end up with no respect -- because kids need to not be the ones making decisions for themselves and their family.

 

Well, I'll have to take exception to that. I don't know if you are a single parent yourself or if you are basing yourself on our own experience being raised by a single parent but it's an individual thing, not a single-parent thing. There are plenty of very badly behaved children in nuclear families too!

 

My kids wouldn't behave as described here; I don't know how you raise your kids but taking responsibility for your own actions work for most people, at any age.

 

Also OP, of course it's not too late to fix! If this bugs you enough that you post about here and if your relationship with both mum and daughter is as good as you say, you are totally within your rights to address it with mum and find a joint plan of attack all the while taking mum's lead.

 

If my long-term partner had an issue with my kids" behaviour, I'd like to know and would want to address to everyone's satisfaction - there's no reason to think your partner thinks any differently to that, from what you have written. A confrontation in public is def not the way, though.

[Otter2569]

My plan is to talk to GF about this and let her know how I feel: that I do not enjoy going out to dinner and being subject to that type of behavior or being talked down to and that something needs to change otherwise I would prefer to go out with her.

 

While the girl left for the car GF said I should confront her and to be prepared for tears (but do not give in to them). I was so disturbed by the evening that I couldn't even talk to her.

 

It blows me away that this happens every time and that we need to have this type of conversation with teenager!

[carhill]

So, how do things go for the daughter and her boyfriends/dates, etc?

 

Also, how do things go when mom/daughter do girls nights out with female friends or other activities away from you?

 

Has the daughter been consistent with this behavior throughout the 2.5 years of your interactions with her mother? If not, when did it change?

 

At this point, and I did date women with teenagers, I'd fall on the side of supporting my girlfriend's parenting as a community parent and focus more on the relationship with girlfriend and less on parenting the teenager. At that point, other than nudges, the big parental moves are done IMO. You've identified an 'alpha' personality and, save for a life-altering event, it's likely to endure with only small changes as social integration progresses.

 

How does the daughter do in school? With peer friends? Etc.

 

To the specific event, if dinners out with mother and daughter are tedious, let go of that; mom and daughter can do their own thing and you and mom can do your own thing. Daughter hangs at friends and mom and boyfriend go out to dinner, etc.

 

Daughter could be trying to break you up to have mom to herself but that speculation would require more evidence to support it effectively. I never personally felt that with any of the women I dated with children. IME, the kids were great. Far better than I would likely have been in their place.

[JuneL]

How does her food issue fit into all this?

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/parenting/635038-gfs-kid-lied-disrepected-me

[preraph]

Well, I'll have to take exception to that. I don't know if you are a single parent yourself or if you are basing yourself on our own experience being raised by a single parent but it's an individual thing, not a single-parent thing. There are plenty of very badly behaved children in nuclear families too!

 

My kids wouldn't behave as described here; I don't know how you raise your kids but taking responsibility for your own actions work for most people, at any age.

 

Also OP, of course it's not too late to fix! If this bugs you enough that you post about here and if your relationship with both mum and daughter is as good as you say, you are totally within your rights to address it with mum and find a joint plan of attack all the while taking mum's lead.

 

If my long-term partner had an issue with my kids" behaviour, I'd like to know and would want to address to everyone's satisfaction - there's no reason to think your partner thinks any differently to that, from what you have written. A confrontation in public is def not the way, though.

 

I said "sometimes." I didn't say "all." And yes, it can happen in two-parent familes, especially where one is kind of checked out and not participating.

[preraph]

My plan is to talk to GF about this and let her know how I feel: that I do not enjoy going out to dinner and being subject to that type of behavior or being talked down to and that something needs to change otherwise I would prefer to go out with her.

 

While the girl left for the car GF said I should confront her and to be prepared for tears (but do not give in to them). I was so disturbed by the evening that I couldn't even talk to her.

 

It blows me away that this happens every time and that we need to have this type of conversation with teenager!

 

This woman is trying to make you be the bad guy. Don't do it. It's her responsibility. Likely, if you say anything, she'll still make you the bad guy, though, if and when she says anything to her daughter.

[MuddyFootprints]

Dude, you guys have some serious food communication and control issues. I have a tendency to point fingers at the adult first and I don't think you like this little girl.

 

Is anyone going hungry? Do you have a food budget problem? Kids learn by example. In our family food is meant to be shared and enjoyed. Meal time is a celebration, of sort. I don't understand your issues with food.

[Artdeco]

If you tell your girlfriend that you won’t go out to dinner with the two of them, that means that you are going to make your girlfriend pick sides, which is not fair, because she’s the mother, and she shouldn’t have to pick sides. She loves her child, and she loves you. You’re in a serious long-term relationship with that woman, and her child is part of that family. You need to be more inclusive and find a different solution. Telling her that you will not take her daughter to dinner any longer is just as rude as the daughter’s behavior. I understand that your approach probably comes from the notion that actions have consequences, hence no more taking the daughter along for dinners, but in this case I think you should find a solution that works for all three of you. Excluding the daughter won’t do anything for you other than compounding the problem. If you love your gf and if you feel there’s long term potential wrt the relationship, it’s your support that’s needed, not exclusion.

[Whodatdog]

This is actually a good lesson to be learned by the teenager. Actions have consequences. It seems Mom doesnt want to teach that, so its up to you. You have the right to have a nice normal meal when you go out to eat. If she cant act civilized, then she doesnt need to come with you. Its pretty simple. No one wants to go out to eat, spend good money, and have a miserable time. Im sure she's not stupid, she knows exactly what she's doing. Shes controlling the situation.

 

You can stop that. If you want to.

[Otter2569]

Dude, you guys have some serious food communication and control issues. I have a tendency to point fingers at the adult first and I don't think you like this little girl.

 

Is anyone going hungry? Do you have a food budget problem? Kids learn by example. In our family food is meant to be shared and enjoyed. Meal time is a celebration, of sort. I don't understand your issues with food.

 

Dude, I do not like rude, disrespectful behavior period. It doesn't matter who you are - manners count. GF only buys healthy food due to weight / consumption concerns and yes 100% agree about meal time - its family time and a time to come together which is why the negative behavior is so frustrating. It just does not make sense to me.

[Otter2569]

If you tell your girlfriend that you won’t go out to dinner with the two of them, that means that you are going to make your girlfriend pick sides, which is not fair, because she’s the mother, and she shouldn’t have to pick sides. She loves her child, and she loves you. You’re in a serious long-term relationship with that woman, and her child is part of that family. You need to be more inclusive and find a different solution. Telling her that you will not take her daughter to dinner any longer is just as rude as the daughter’s behavior. I understand that your approach probably comes from the notion that actions have consequences, hence no more taking the daughter along for dinners, but in this case I think you should find a solution that works for all three of you. Excluding the daughter won’t do anything for you other than compounding the problem. If you love your gf and if you feel there’s long term potential wrt the relationship, it’s your support that’s needed, not exclusion.

 

Thank you - I didn't think of it like that. What would you do it this type of behavior happened again? I try and be considerate of everyone involved but enough is enough. This behavior is not acceptable.

[Otter2569]

This is actually a good lesson to be learned by the teenager. Actions have consequences. It seems Mom doesnt want to teach that, so its up to you. You have the right to have a nice normal meal when you go out to eat. If she cant act civilized, then she doesnt need to come with you. Its pretty simple. No one wants to go out to eat, spend good money, and have a miserable time. Im sure she's not stupid, she knows exactly what she's doing. Shes controlling the situation.

 

You can stop that. If you want to.

 

Agree with you 100% I struggle on the right way to handle the situation without putting GF in the middle, without making a bigger deal than it needs to be and without sitting through another disastrous evening.