Rude Teenage Restaurant Behavior?!

[Otter2569]

How does her food issue fit into all this?

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/parenting/635038-gfs-kid-lied-disrepected-me

 

At home GF buys healthy food and snacks (zero crap or junk food). When we go to a restaurant her daughter is free to order anything off of the menu.

[JuneL]

>she helps herself to our food (GF n I often get apps for our meal) but if you ever go to try something on her plate (in response) she lets out a resounding "NO!!!" and pulls her food away.

 

 

Did you mean you and your gf both have appetizers in addition to main course whereas the teenage daughter only has main course?

 

This bit reminds me of your previous thread in which you were so upset because she drank part of your milkshake. You called her behavior stealing and deceptive.

[Artdeco]

Thank you - I didn't think of it like that. What would you do it this type of behavior happened again? I try and be considerate of everyone involved but enough is enough. This behavior is not acceptable.

 

Inclusion and communication is key. Teenagers can be difficult, and it’s your job and her mother’s job to guide her to find the right direction. Being a good role model is the only solution in my opinion, because punishment won’t work.

 

Whatever you do during the day and during normal weekdays needs to be something that the daughter is included in. It is definitely a good sign that the daughter has good and productive conversations with you every now and then, and I would build on that. At least that’s what you said is happening between you and the daughter. That’s a great thing, and I would be thankful for that, because it’s not a given. Many, many stepfathers have no relationship with the stepdaughters or the stepchildren. And since you seem to have some kind of influence on her, that means that she respects you in someway or another, and I would just embrace that per se. Make that foundation stronger, and I think the restaurant problems will be just a little annoyance on the side that will go away eventually.

 

Include her in everything you do, even if it doesn’t involve food or dining out, ask for her opinion, give input with regards to your own opinion, treat her like an almost adult, and take her seriously. You need to proactively show that. But remember, only do that if you’re really serious with the girlfriend and if you really see long-term potential. Because if you don’t, and if you’re not sure, you can damage that teen forever. And I’m only saying this because you said before that her father is not in her life, and that you have been with her mother for quite some time. You are now in a position that gives you the chance to be a teen girl’s role model, to be her confidant, and to be somebody who is important in her life.

 

Embrace that and make the best of it. Many many parents have the same problems that you are having right now. It’s got nothing to do with stepparenting or “biological” parenting. It’s just something that you have to make an effort with if it’s important enough to you.

[whichwayisup]

My plan is to talk to GF about this and let her know how I feel: that I do not enjoy going out to dinner and being subject to that type of behavior or being talked down to and that something needs to change otherwise I would prefer to go out with her.

 

While the girl left for the car GF said I should confront her and to be prepared for tears (but do not give in to them). I was so disturbed by the evening that I couldn't even talk to her.

 

It blows me away that this happens every time and that we need to have this type of conversation with teenager!

 

You don't 'confront' her, you talk to her and tell her that she may not enjoy going out with you two often but when you she does join in, she has to make an effort. It's not your place to ream her or scold her, even more so since you don't live with them.

 

Her mom should be the one telling her that her behaviour is totally inappropriate and to stop acting like a spoiled brat.

[MuddyFootprints]

Dude, I do not like rude, disrespectful behavior period. It doesn't matter who you are - manners count. GF only buys healthy food due to weight / consumption concerns and yes 100% agree about meal time - its family time and a time to come together which is why the negative behavior is so frustrating. It just does not make sense to me.

 

 

When we go out, everyone orders an appetizer and they go around the table. Everyone gets a taste.

 

Different mentalities toward food, I suppose.

[Otter2569]

So, how do things go for the daughter and her boyfriends/dates, etc?

 

Also, how do things go when mom/daughter do girls nights out with female friends or other activities away from you?

 

Has the daughter been consistent with this behavior throughout the 2.5 years of your interactions with her mother? If not, when did it change?

 

At this point, and I did date women with teenagers, I'd fall on the side of supporting my girlfriend's parenting as a community parent and focus more on the relationship with girlfriend and less on parenting the teenager. At that point, other than nudges, the big parental moves are done IMO. You've identified an 'alpha' personality and, save for a life-altering event, it's likely to endure with only small changes as social integration progresses.

 

How does the daughter do in school? With peer friends? Etc.

 

To the specific event, if dinners out with mother and daughter are tedious, let go of that; mom and daughter can do their own thing and you and mom can do your own thing. Daughter hangs at friends and mom and boyfriend go out to dinner, etc.

 

Daughter could be trying to break you up to have mom to herself but that speculation would require more evidence to support it effectively. I never personally felt that with any of the women I dated with children. IME, the kids were great. Far better than I would likely have been in their place.

 

Great point - some fine tuning is about all you can hope for.

 

She is 13 so just starting to recognize boys. She does have a very small group of friends (1-3 kids). Even then they do not get together all that often. I think her social graces and strong personality may be a deterrent. She is very intelligent, works hard and does very well academically.

 

The first few months the daughter was super caring and thoughtful then the honeymoon wore off. Most of the time we are hanging out and she is doing her own thing (movies, music....). Her behavior is really very good - I think. She does spend a lot of time in her room these days: comes out eats, goes back in and sleeps (a lot).

 

Thats where I get surprised: everything seems normal, her mom announces we are going out to eat and the second she hits the car there is a tone and there we go. She's done this when we didn't go to the fast food restaurant she wanted. We often go to places that have something for everyone. We have also gone to her fast food place.

 

Ill have to see if Mom gets any crap for going out with GF's? I don't believe she does.

 

 

For what its worth GF has said several times that being around her daughter is draining and at time she does not like to be around her because she is so demanding.

[Otter2569]

Did you mean you and your gf both have appetizers in addition to main course whereas the teenage daughter only has main course?

 

This bit reminds me of your previous thread in which you were so upset because she drank part of your milkshake. You called her behavior stealing and deceptive.

 

You are referring to the time she directly disobeyed her mom (who was a work) and then lied to my face about having permission to go for ice cream with the neighbor. She asked if I wanted anything so I gave her $ for a milkshake then when I got home I found out she drank half of it. Yeah, that's pretty deceptive?!

 

ps that is my perception of the behavior in that instance. I did not ever say that to her. Water under the bridge. i'd like to understand what is going on now.

 

No, we often order two appetizers for our main course. The daughter is free to order what ever she wants. Pretty A typical. There is no rationing, limitations or special treatment.

[OatsAndHall]

Unfortunately, this behavior will continue until there is a consequence put in place for her bad behavior. I'm a teacher and I can tell you that lecturing a teen doesn't do any good; there has to be some bite behind the bark. Your girlfriend can talk to her until she's blue in the face but it won't matter until she sits down with the kid and says:

 

 

"Bottom line: this happens again and you won't be joining us for dinner so get your act together."

 

 

Until that happens, I would be declining dinner invitations. I would explain to your girlfriend that you aren't trying to put yourself between her and her daughter or punish anyone but that you're not going to have a miserable meal either.

[Otter2569]

Unfortunately, this behavior will continue until there is a consequence put in place for her bad behavior. I'm a teacher and I can tell you that lecturing a teen doesn't do any good; there has to be some bite behind the bark. Your girlfriend can talk to her until she's blue in the face but it won't matter until she sits down with the kid and says:

 

 

"Bottom line: this happens again and you won't be joining us for dinner so get your act together."

 

 

Until that happens, I would be declining dinner invitations. I would explain to your girlfriend that you aren't trying to put yourself between her and her daughter or punish anyone but that you're not going to have a miserable meal either.

 

Very well said! It has been several weeks and the 3 of us have not been out to dinner since. Things have been great between everyone lately. We are also spending the weekend together which means I will most likely be walking in to another possible "episode".

[Miss Clavel]

if a kid told me they were going to the car and for me to "hurry up" my dinner and get out to the car i would tell her to f off.

 

and whats more, i'd sit there longer, on purpose.

 

stop inviting her. which i suspect is what you want.

 

 

 

christ.

Edited July 16, 2018 by Miss Clavel

[Otter2569]

if a kid told me they were going to the car and for me to "hurry up" my dinner and get out to the car i would tell her to f off.

 

and whats more, i'd sit there longer, on purpose.

 

stop inviting her. which i suspect is what you want.

 

 

christ.

 

We totally take our time. We do not jump to her demands. We actually went window shopping after and walked along the town green. Probably because I needed to cool off - I was furious after that comment and told GF "no f'ing kid is going to tell me what to do!!!".

 

We (GF and I) have talked about the situation and I made it clear that the behavior is unactable. We did all have lunch out on Sunday without any issue!