Rock and hard place

[MrDallasBills]

That is once again where I have put myself. So I have been divorced 6 months, felt ready to begin dating again. I am a professional musician and made the mistake of going on with a bartender at the venue I play. Things were going well, and we agreed to move slow and away from immediate exclusivity. I am dealing with a lot in my life and am battling severe depression. My lack of wanting to constantly see eachother has grown some frustration on her end.

 

I have been thrown way way back because she has horrible horrible breath. Also, it’s often so bad it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Huge huge huge turn off. To make matters worse, she will occasionally smoke a cigarette and is quite literally unkissable when you at that effect on top of the breath.

 

 

So, I have decided I need to separate myself from her and let things dilwindle off. Why not come out and just say this ain’t gonna work? Well, she is a highly respected and relied up ton bartender at a place where I perform. In my reluctance and recent withdraw she has taken notice. She and her co workers have been downright rude and seemingly resentful to me. I feel like I could lose my gigs at this venue because of her feeling hurt from me backing out. Let’s put it this way, she could get me thrown off the show schedule. So the million dollar Q? How do I safely exit this brief ‘fling’ without this girl losing her mind and using that hurt to hit with? Please don’t state the obvious, I k ow I should not have pursued something in house.

[Poutrew]

Sigh... this is where the 'don't poop in your kitchen' rule came from. Live and learn, I guess. Whatever you do, there are going to be repercussions. You could be honest and tell her about the bad breath, or you could just get really distant and ghost her. Either way, there's going to be blowback. It is up to you to decide which shi* sandwich tastes less bad and go with it...

Edited June 24, 2018 by Poutrew

[Sunlight72]

Tell her something honest, don't just fade out - that's not only rude to her personally, but will also indicate that you may choose to not show up to future gigs without telling anyone... thereby making it a good business decision to leave you off the calendar.

 

For instance, tell her you realize you like her too much to 'go slow', and it's more important to you to stay on good terms with her (and not date) then to feel you're a puppy dog who fawns on her. Which you know she doesn't like, and you don't like to do either.

 

Or something else honest. I don't know either of you, but generally, I'd steer clear of mentioning her bad breath. Some people want to know, and some Absolutely Don't. And sorry to say, but it would sound made-up to me.

 

Don't think too much about it though - just talk to her off-duty ASAP, or go in during a time you know she won't be too busy, and talk to her in person. Did I mention ASAP?

 

You sound considerate - just be yourself, and tell her you were wrong to ask her out because (One Clear Reason, and stick to it. Don't talk too much. You'll be sad it sounds like, so just let yourself be sad when you tell her, and excuse yourself once she understands.)

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[Happy Lemming]

Can you do anything to make her want to break up with you??

 

When I got into a "Sticky Situation" with a woman, I would do little inconsiderate things (be late for dates, interrupt her during some long story, etc.) that would turn her off. There is a lot you can do to be "inconsiderate" or "rude". She would eventually dump me and it was her idea. If you can pull this off, you are "off the hook" for the breakup and you can continue to work at this venue.

 

Just a thought...

[Logo]

If she stopped smoking do you see yourself wanting to stay with her? That would probably solve the bad breath problem.

[Sunlight72]

If she stopped smoking do you see yourself wanting to stay with her? That would probably solve the bad breath problem.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

 

Quite possibly it would solve the bad breath.

 

 

Newly dating someone and telling them to quit smoking? Ha ha ha ha ha - better he just finds a new place to play gigs

[burnt]

What will you lose by telling her the truth?

 

Politely but bluntly.

 

She may not be aware of it, but after it has been pointed out just once, she will hopefully be more aware and will pick up on other peoples' cues. And if she has any truly close friends, then she might ask them about it--all it will take is one other person to confirm.

 

No,

it's not easy to tell the truth on a subject like this,

but it would be the kind but hard thing to do. She may even thank you in the long run.

[preraph]

I wouldn't say "You have bad breath." I would say, "You know, your smoking has become more of an issue than I hoped it would be. I just can't stand the smell. I really like you, but I just can't live with that, even occasionally. I just don't think it's going to work out. I'm so sorry." To others at the bar who are taking her side, you say, "I love her to death, but she smokes and I don't, and I hoped it wouldn't matter, but it does."

[hippychick3]

I have 2 different suggestions:

 

1) Tell her you realize you’re still not healed from your divorce and are not ready to be in a relationship yet. You’d still like to remain friends though.

 

Or

 

2) Tell her you have asthma and the smoking has been causing breathing problems for you. Say you’re so sorry, you like her and can you be friends.

 

Those 2 responses would not cause me to feel angry and vengeful. Disappointed maybe, but not mad.

[Whodatdog]

In this case, since you do want to stay in the situation for professional reasons, I would lie. Yup, I said it, I would lie. Just tell her you thought you were over your ex wife, but you find that you arent, and its not fair to get involved with anyone at this time. See if she buys that.

 

And then dont ever do this again.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sigh... this is where the 'don't poop in your kitchen' rule came from. Live and learn, I guess.

 

OP, this is literally how these things become a cliche, they're true over and over (and over!) again.

 

I'd give her some version of the "it's not you, it's me" speech. Newly divorced, you've realized you're too much of a mess to be in a relationship. And you're sorry for giving her the wrong impression.

 

Hell hath no fury...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Adiron]

You think that slowly pulling back and letting things fade is going to easy the pain.

 

 

 

It won't. It will only make things worse.

 

 

 

You need to tell her you just aren't feeling it. If she pushes, and she will then you could say you don't like dating smokers, that you thought in this case you could work through it because she's a great girl but it's just too distasteful for you. At which point she might say "well I'll quit" and you could say "that's a great idea", perhaps we can revisit this down the line in which case at least you've still drawn a boundary line.

 

 

 

Never date a person where you work unless you are willing to accept that you may be in daily contact with an ex.

[Logo]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

 

Quite possibly it would solve the bad breath.

 

 

Newly dating someone and telling them to quit smoking? Ha ha ha ha ha - better he just finds a new place to play gigs

 

While I’m not a smoker, I can understand that asking someone to quit smoking is a big ask.

 

But, I’ve been in situations where a woman I’m with would make adjustments, even early on when I brought it up to her attention. I’ve been with a smoker and when I told her how much the smoke bothered me, she was more considerate. It was a short relationship which I ended due to other reasons, but while I was with her she made it a point to use tic tacs and not smoke in my immediate vicinity. And it was very understanding and considerate of her to do that.

 

I would probably have eventually asked her to consider quitting smoking, but the relationship didn’t go far enough for me to ask that. And it had nothing to do with her smoking.

 

Depending on her personality and how much she’s into the original poster, she might consider quitting smoking. Why can’t she use a patch for example.

 

I think if he really likes her personality and is into her it could be worth taking the risk of being honest with her, but he needs to understand that if things don’t go well, he might have to give up playing at this place.

 

It’s his decision.

 

Having said that, it seems that he values his livelihood more than a relationship with her and has already made up his mind.

Edited June 25, 2018 by Logo

[MrDallasBills]

Thanks guys, all very good Input. Time to ponder and create the exit strategy.

 

I will say I have thought a million different ways to confront the bad breath and I can’t do it. I am a highly empathetic person and I feel like that would really really hurt her which I don’t wanna do. I am one of those people who brush my teeth 3 times a day, Listerine twice, and always have fresh gum in my mouth, so I do notice slightly offensive breath, but this is on a whole new level. I believe it can be avoided too, she just won’t brush her teeth. She has been at my house for 2 days and I have bought her a tooth brush and even got creative and brought the Listerine bottle in the kitchen to pass it off like, here have some..’No,thanks!’.

 

I am having a very very difficult time with managing the relationship to keep it from blow up, but I have some good advice to roll off of here. Thanks again.

[AnotherGuy1234]

Tell her that her mouth smells like a bag full of *******s.

 

Plain and simple...you do not have to be that blunt. Just her breath was bothering you and you didn't want to offend her. But since she is mad...you're just letting her know. Let her know everything else is ok.

[FMW]

How did you get past just talking and flirting if her breath is so bad? Just curious.

 

A kind lie is probably the best, as has been suggested. The not over your divorce thing would be my choice because it puts you in a somewhat sympathetic light and is probably the best chance of her being cool about it.

 

As far as your work concerns, If you know the bar/club owner, maybe you should work on strengthening that relationship, or connections with other musicians who have solid connections there. That would put you in a stronger position to not have a bartender, however beloved she is, get you blackballed.

[preraph]

He can't lie and say he's back with his ex because this is where he plays music and socializes, and he's eventually going to want to meet other women there.

[Mr. Lucky]

he's eventually going to want to meet other women there.

 

I'd avoid this for the very reasons that led the OP to post here in the first place.

 

Lots of open mic stuff and jam sessions on off nights if he wants to impress women with his stage moves. I'd keep work and play separate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Logo]

I believe it can be avoided too, she just won’t brush her teeth. She has been at my house for 2 days and I have bought her a tooth brush and even got creative and brought the Listerine bottle in the kitchen to pass it off like, here have some..’No,thanks!’.

 

 

 

 

She's not going to change. At least you tried.