As the OW and MW...

[Missedmistress]

I felt like offering some insights from my experience as a married woman recently having an A with a MM:

 

• in most cases there is love, otherwise you/they'd be signing divorce papers, kids or otherwise
  
• what you tell AP about your marriage is not the reality (e.g I was told she is just a warm body and I even knew them as a couple and he still fooled me!!)
  
• as an OW after dDay getting any sort of respect, you need to go NC until they sort their s%^t out - if it was meant to be, it will be
  
• leaving your marriage for an AP makes you feel a more horrible person than you already are
  
• you realize you have to break up with AP to really 'give your marriage a go' and it sucks and you miss them and you still love them
  
• going NC with your AP will not mean you all of a sudden committed and loving towards your spouse again and everything is back to 'normal' (if you truly have feelings for AP that is)
   
  

Anyone out there also married and having/had As? How did you cope with the breakup?

Edited June 24, 2018 by Missedmistress
Shortened

[niteandfog]

I didn't break up... I got divorced, he separated and we're now living together. We only had an affair for 3 months.

[Missedmistress]

I didn't break up... I got divorced, he separated and we're now living together. We only had an affair for 3 months.

 

You are the exception, wish you all the happiness together. Are there kids involved?

[niteandfog]

You are the exception, wish you all the happiness together. Are there kids involved?

 

Yeah that has been MESSY. My daughter is fine she likes him they get along but they don't actually j twrcat that much just a couple of days a week. He's trying to bring his daughter into the picture and his son has been alienated (most likely unconsciously) by his ex. His ex doesn't want the kids to have anything to do with me. His willing to take her to court,but first wants to rebuild the relationship with his son.

[Missedmistress]

Yeah that has been MESSY. My daughter is fine she likes him they get along but they don't actually j twrcat that much just a couple of days a week. He's trying to bring his daughter into the picture and his son has been alienated (most likely unconsciously) by his ex. His ex doesn't want the kids to have anything to do with me. His willing to take her to court,but first wants to rebuild the relationship with his son.

 

 

Wow, sounds like a lot to deal with, you are courageous. I mean, if it's meant to be it will be and sounds like you're working on that. I really wish you all the happiness!

 

Backstory on me: We both have a child each (7, boys) and we are long distance but also been friends forever (like all 4 of us & spouses) so it's a looot of complications but I feel like he and I found that love that comes later in life and you should listen to so I know our story hasn't ended yet. But, we want to do it right for everyone involved, if there is a way. We're both trying to reconcile with our spouses right now, I don't know how it's going for him but I'm having second thoughts, with or without him. It's hard.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I was in your situation, except we were not all friends or anything like that. I also had a D Day, I'm not sure if you did, you did not say.

 

To answer your question, you cannot reconcile with your spouse while you still have these feelings for another person. You also can't really judge your marriage and decide whether it's worth saving or not. Before you can even start fixing your marriage, you need to be over the other person. You can't feel things like, love comes late in life and stuff like that. Since you can't go off and get over the other person, it is very difficult. It's like trying to patch a hole in a sinking boat while you are in the boat. It's worse if your H does not know, so you need to pretend to be fine.

 

It can be done though. The whole process took about 2-3 years for me. You have to have complete NC though. You can never see these other people again. You have to realize your friendship is over and was never a real friendship to begin with.

[Missedmistress]

I was in your situation, except we were not all friends or anything like that. I also had a D Day, I'm not sure if you did, you did not say.

 

To answer your question, you cannot reconcile with your spouse while you still have these feelings for another person. You also can't really judge your marriage and decide whether it's worth saving or not. Before you can even start fixing your marriage, you need to be over the other person. You can't feel things like, love comes late in life and stuff like that. Since you can't go off and get over the other person, it is very difficult. It's like trying to patch a hole in a sinking boat while you are in the boat. It's worse if your H does not know, so you need to pretend to be fine.

 

It can be done though. The whole process took about 2-3 years for me. You have to have complete NC though. You can never see these other people again. You have to realize your friendship is over and was never a real friendship to begin with.

 

 

Thanks, I know all those things you say are true. My therapist tells me the same thing.

 

Yes, I did have dDay, like twice and this last one was 3 months ago and we have been 6 weeks NC. I will NEVER reach out to him again if that takes all my willpower left in me.

 

And yes, I know I'll have to be over him to even try again with my H. H knows all of it. I just can't get there, I am still in love with AP...but I know it takes time and I will try my best to get there, because I don't want drama, I had a 'good enough' life before and in fact there is much love there it's hard to find again...it's all really sad, really.

[burnt]

so I know our story hasn't ended yet.

 

The most troubling statement.

 

You are far far deep deep deep into the affair still, despite the NC for months and despite your intention to reconcile in your marriage.

It's important that you recognize that, even if you don't believe it.

 

You still have affection in your words when you speak of your AP. You will know when you are finally done with him--when you finally reach the point when the thought of him will send shivers of disgust and disrespect down your veins.

 

And trust me now you don't even consider that to be a possibility in million years.

And trust me, one day you will get there.

 

And that's when you will know you are finally out of the affair fog.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks, I know all those things you say are true. My therapist tells me the same thing.

 

Yes, I did have dDay, like twice and this last one was 3 months ago and we have been 6 weeks NC. I will NEVER reach out to him again if that takes all my willpower left in me.

 

And yes, I know I'll have to be over him to even try again with my H. H knows all of it. I just can't get there, I am still in love with AP...but I know it takes time and I will try my best to get there, because I don't want drama, I had a 'good enough' life before and in fact there is much love there it's hard to find again...it's all really sad, really.

 

Does the wife know? Watching yourself get blamed and thrown under the bus typically helps start the process, or at least you get angry and realize how little you meant. Even if he is the rare nice guy and takes all the heat, knowing he is focusing on his wife usually makes the OW feel pretty bad about herself as the MM is typically faster to move on, usually because he did not feel so emotionally attached in the first place.

 

It does not sound like you are in that place yet so you have a ways to go.

 

It's good your husband knows. I'm guessing he is fighting hard to save his marriage and get his wife back. Be thankful. Most divorce the wife. You don't realize this now but it's a really good thing he is fighting so hard. Granted I am assuming he is a decent guy and your biggest problem is boredom, etc.

 

I can tell you that it does go away, the feelings for the other person, it takes time, and you cannot see him at all. I assume since your H knows, this is not an issue. It will take 6 months to a year and then you will have to start rebuilding your marriage. For me it was worth it but we made major changes in our lives. You have to be willing to rip it all apart and start over. You need to figure out what was missing inside your marriage and inside yourself. This will take time and like you said, first you need to get over him.

 

The next step will be you getting angry. Read the posts here, you will see.

[S2B]

Yeah that has been MESSY. My daughter is fine she likes him they get along but they don't actually j twrcat that much just a couple of days a week. He's trying to bring his daughter into the picture and his son has been alienated (most likely unconsciously) by his ex. His ex doesn't want the kids to have anything to do with me. His willing to take her to court,but first wants to rebuild the relationship with his son.

 

Has he filed for divorce yet?

[niteandfog]

Has he filed for divorce yet?

 

No he hasn’t... it’s not that easy over here. Custody is not part of the divorce suit and only under extreme cases is taken to court. So he’s first trying to establish some sort of routine / relationship with his son son and the once that is done go for the actual divorce. And I’m pretty sure she’s not going to give it to him so... plus there’s the problem of the costs and alll of that, in the grand scheme of things it’s the least of my worries

[Missedmistress]

Does the wife know? Watching yourself get blamed and thrown under the bus typically helps start the process, or at least you get angry and realize how little you meant. Even if he is the rare nice guy and takes all the heat, knowing he is focusing on his wife usually makes the OW feel pretty bad about herself as the MM is typically faster to move on, usually because he did not feel so emotionally attached in the first place.

 

It does not sound like you are in that place yet so you have a ways to go.

 

It's good your husband knows. I'm guessing he is fighting hard to save his marriage and get his wife back. Be thankful. Most divorce the wife. You don't realize this now but it's a really good thing he is fighting so hard. Granted I am assuming he is a decent guy and your biggest problem is boredom, etc.

 

I can tell you that it does go away, the feelings for the other person, it takes time, and you cannot see him at all. I assume since your H knows, this is not an issue. It will take 6 months to a year and then you will have to start rebuilding your marriage. For me it was worth it but we made major changes in our lives. You have to be willing to rip it all apart and start over. You need to figure out what was missing inside your marriage and inside yourself. This will take time and like you said, first you need to get over him.

 

The next step will be you getting angry. Read the posts here, you will see.

 

Yes, his wife knows, she found out first and the whole thing blew up but we kept going for a while and she found out again that it didn't stop so after that he 'ended it' but still kept checking in at which point I told him I don't want him to contact me as this hurts me, so we have been out of touch since.

 

What I said about 'our story hasn't ended' I don't mean like a naive fairy tale where he'll come on a white horse to rescue me from my awful marriage or something but we have known each other for a very long time and I know in the future (maybe years from now) we will talk again. There is 0 chance of me seeing him because we live on separate continents.

 

And yes, there was a huge emotional connection between us which we shouldn't have taken physical, but hey, can't change the past now.

[imsosad]

Sounds like you're going through a lot.

I had a four months EA.

I wanted us to divorce, he didn't.

For that, and because I couldn't handle the guilt and lies and doubke lives, I broke up with him and we were NC for almost a year.

Worst year of my life.

I really tried to work on my marriage and it did get better but-

A- I didn't disclose the affair, so maybe I didn't give the marriage a real chance.

B- I was still in love with my AP and missed him every single day.

A year later we got back together and both divorced.

We have been together for two years.

We're taking it very slow and have not moved in together, on account of the kids.

All in all, it's a bad way to end a marriage, but it was live for us and so far, we've been doing well.

[imsosad]

Yes, his wife knows, she found out first and the whole thing blew up but we kept going for a while and she found out again that it didn't stop so after that he 'ended it' but still kept checking in at which point I told him I don't want him to contact me as this hurts me, so we have been out of touch since.

 

What I said about 'our story hasn't ended' I don't mean like a naive fairy tale where he'll come on a white horse to rescue me from my awful marriage or something but we have known each other for a very long time and I know in the future (maybe years from now) we will talk again. There is 0 chance of me seeing him because we live on separate continents.

 

And yes, there was a huge emotional connection between us which we shouldn't have taken physical, but hey, can't change the past now.

 

I know what you mean.

An emotional connection makes it very hard to break off.

How is your marriage?

I now think that while a marriage can survive PAs, an extramarital emotional connection doesn't happen in a vacume, and that it's harder to move on from.

I don't think happily married people fall in love with other people just like that.

Sometimes, the married APs don't want to divorce for all sorts of reasons, but it doesn't mean that there wasn't love in the affair or that the marriage is fantastic.

It is not black and white.

Thing is, what us the best possible outcome for you now? What can you do to be happy?

[Missedmistress]

I know what you mean.

An emotional connection makes it very hard to break off.

How is your marriage?

I now think that while a marriage can survive PAs, an extramarital emotional connection doesn't happen in a vacume, and that it's harder to move on from.

I don't think happily married people fall in love with other people just like that.

Sometimes, the married APs don't want to divorce for all sorts of reasons, but it doesn't mean that there wasn't love in the affair or that the marriage is fantastic.

It is not black and white.

Thing is, what us the best possible outcome for you now? What can you do to be happy?

 

My marriage is OK, it was fine before and it can be fine again. I just don't know if that's what I want for the rest of my life to look like. We have a nearly DB due to his LL and possibly alcoholism, which is one of the reasons I entered this affair, we discussed it a lot, he knew i wasn't happy that way. I don't feel physically attracted to H any more. That was there before A and it's there now. I'm trying but it's not happening and hasn't for years.

 

With AP I was desired, we talked about sex so openly and we're so compatible in so many ways it's actually scary. It was a deep connection that wasn't about sex as he didn't even get any (or hardly). I've known AP for 15 years too, so it's not like he is a strange man to me who could be telling me all these lies (maybe about his marriage but not about his character).

 

I don't have plans or expectations about starting another EA with AP at all btw, I'm not delusional, I have my own baggage and he has his, I don't want to carry both.

 

I'm in counseling, going strong on NC and hoping for the best outcome for my family. I've asked for a work assignment away from home and will be spending a couple of months alone, away from everyone, which I think I need to think with a clear head.

 

As someone put it, it's like trying to patch up a sinking boat while you're in it. It's impossible to think straight, I just want everyone to leave me alone for once.

[S2B]

What is DB? What is LL?

[Missedmistress]

What is DB? What is LL?

 

Oh sorry, that's reddit talk. DB = dead bedroom, LL = low libido

[S2B]

Ok thanks.

 

Do you work?

 

 

In wondering why you stay? You aren't attracted and there's loads of concerns.

 

Why not divorce?

[Missedmistress]

Ok thanks.

 

Do you work?

 

 

In wondering why you stay? You aren't attracted and there's loads of concerns.

 

Why not divorce?

 

Yeah, I'm the main breadwinner. I am trying to decide if divorce is the right way but I need to distance myself from A for a few more months and truly get over it before I can decide for sure. I know 100% i won't leave for another person only for myself. I sometimes feel excited about the thought of it, that can't be right??

 

My therapist says I need to give it a few months but it has to be finite and if things don't improve, call it then. I have communicated my needs clearly, so has he and I still don't see much improvement. He needs to work on himself too, which he isn't doing.

 

He thinks I'm the love of his life, it would shatter him into pieces if I left him. But those are only words..and surely that's not a reason to stay?

[DKT3]

Yeah, I'm the main breadwinner. I am trying to decide if divorce is the right way but I need to distance myself from A for a few more months and truly get over it before I can decide for sure. I know 100% i won't leave for another person only for myself. I sometimes feel excited about the thought of it, that can't be right??

 

My therapist says I need to give it a few months but it has to be finite and if things don't improve, call it then. I have communicated my needs clearly, so has he and I still don't see much improvement. He needs to work on himself too, which he isn't doing.

 

He thinks I'm the love of his life, it would shatter him into pieces if I left him. But those are only words..and surely that's not a reason to stay?

 

Yeah, you're not the love of his life. If you were your happiness would be important. I believe that men more so than women will settle for comfort of the known, and content is good enough.

 

Therapist is right, I'm guessing there is a healthy dose of rewriting going on. But, here its pointless since you're already looking ahead to a time when you can be with AP. Just pull the plug already, your husband will be upset, but will eventually find a woman happy with him without needing him to be what she needs to be happy.

[S2B]

Can he work to earn more?

 

That way IF you decide to leave the marriage he is a higher earner/you have less to lose...

 

You might respect him more if he's capable of contributing more to your lifestyle?

 

 

Make a list. Weigh the pros and cons of being with him.

 

Have you told him you're thinking of leaving the marriage due to his lack of effort to change long term?

[Missedmistress]

Yeah, you're not the love of his life. If you were your happiness would be important. I believe that men more so than women will settle for comfort of the known, and content is good enough.

 

Therapist is right, I'm guessing there is a healthy dose of rewriting going on. But, here its pointless since you're already looking ahead to a time when you can be with AP. Just pull the plug already, your husband will be upset, but will eventually find a woman happy with him without needing him to be what she needs to be happy.

 

Thanks for your response. Just to clarify I don’t want to be with AP. I love him and miss him but that ship has sailed and we are not good for each other. He is strengthening those stats by choosing comfort and ‘good emough’. I Really think I want to be alone, not lonely but not in w relationship. It’s a hard call to make.