Living in the past.

[Candis01]

Hi.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. I know he loves me, and we are perfect for each other. He is very sweet, and he would never do anything to hurt me.

Ok, about a year ago we met through friends. I guess you could say it was love at first site. I was a virgin, I was raised in a family that believes you shouldn't have sex until your married. I felt that way too, until I met him. I thought he was a virgin as well, he told me he was. About two months after we had started going out, he tells me that he was not a virgin, that he did have sex with another girl. It just made my heart sink. He had lied to me. He told me that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me. Its been about 8 months since he told me that, long time right? I should've already stopped caring about it. But its hard. He told me that they knew each other for about 4 years, and he only did it to fit in. I know it's no big deal, and I shouldn't even care, but its the fact that he lied to me, if he lies to me about that, he has to be lieing about other things. I want to get over it so bad, and move past that, because i know it is his past, and he tells me that he would take it back if he could. But I think about it often. I wouldn't have cared as much if he would have just told me the truth from the beginning. I dont like bringing it up alot, but it makes me feel better when we talk about it. I dont know what to do. re-reading this it seems childish to even care about it. But its just something on my heart, that I cant really tell anyone about. I dont know why but it tears me up inside everytime i think about it. What should I do?

candis

[JS17]

You know, I would probably be the first person on this board to say well if he lied to you once he'll lie to you again and again but I think when it comes to sex people lie a lot. Even people that don't lie about anything else. If I had to guess, you have an isolated incident here and really, who cares if he slept with someone else? He didn't know you then or it would have been you. He loves you and he's with you now. You have to let his past go.

[Candis01]

You know, I would probably be the first person on this board to say well if he lied to you once he'll lie to you again and again but I think when it comes to sex people lie a lot. Even people that don't lie about anything else. If I had to guess, you have an isolated incident here and really, who cares if he slept with someone else? He didn't know you then or it would have been you. He loves you and he's with you now. You have to let his past go.

 

Yea, your right. Its just so hard to let it go. I've tried, and I really dont care, that's why I dont know why I cant drop it.

[alphamale]

I was a virgin, I was raised in a family that believes you shouldn't have sex until your married.

my answer would depend upon whether you are still a virgin or not...

[JS17]

Well it seems like logically it doesn't bother you, which is good. Emotionally though something is bothering you about it. Can you figure out what it is? Are you just disappointed that it wasn't his first time, do you believe that it wasn't as special for him as it was for you? There's a lot of emotion that goes on with your first that you won't find in relationships afterwards. Its a sticky and illogical place to be sometimes.

[Candis01]

I dont know how I feel about it. That's whats so confusing. I feel like if he would've just been honest about it from the beginning, I wouldn't feel like this, and it would've saved me from a lot of heartache. I try talking to him about it, but it doesn't work. He just tells me it was stupid, and he didn't love her. It might just be me, but I wouldn't have sex with someone unless i love them. I know guys are different, and he probably didn't love her. Thats just how I think, so a part of me thinks that he did love her. Its just so stupid that I cant get over it.

[alphamale]

Its just so stupid that I cant get over it.

yes, I understand this CANDIS01, but are you still a virgin or not?

[Candis01]

yes, I understand this CANDIS01, but are you still a virgin or not?

no, and sometimes I feel so bad about that.

[JS17]

Its not stupid but you have all of the logical things down. I think that deep down there's something bothering you that you're not admitting to yourself or you're not really aware of. I assume you are young and part of growing up and becoming more mature is being self-aware. This is going to sound kind of hokey but do some deep digging down and try to figure out what it really is that's bothering you.

 

What's important is where you both are now. Don't live in the past. When you start thinking about the past consciously snap yourself back to the present. The more you do it the more natural it will be and will help you stop living in the past, his or yours.

[alphamale]

no, and sometimes I feel so bad about that.

OK so you lost your virginity to a dude who lied and told you that he was a virgin also? Is this the main problem? I'll bet it is. You feel guilty now that you've found out you we not his first girl. And you wanted to be his 1st? Right?

[JS17]

no, and sometimes I feel so bad about that.

 

Ah ok, now you're getting somewhere. Guilt is a powerful thing. Just keep telling yourself that you don't need to apologize for your life and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have this pure ideal view of life and sex that just isn't realisitic. You were taught, and wanted, that sex is a something that you should share with only one person and they should only share with you but it's not very realistic. There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend having had sex with another woman in the PAST and there's nothing wrong with you having sex with him now. Your idealistic notions have just been knocked off the pedastal and so has your idealistic notion of your boyfriend.

[Candis01]

I've tried to find out what's bothering me. I dont know what it is. I've tried talking to him about it. Everytime I try not to think about it, it makes me think about it even more. I don't know why but I always wonder if she is prettier than me, if she was better than me. Which I know the answers, I just cant get past it.

Sometimes I just feel like he didn't tell me, because he knew I wouldn't have had sex with him if he did tell me. So in that way I feel used. But I know he loves me. So I guess its just a jealousy issue.

[Candis01]

OK so you lost your virginity to a dude who lied and told you that he was a virgin also? Is this the main problem? I'll bet it is. You feel guilty now that you've found out you we not his first girl. And you wanted to be his 1st? Right?

Yea I guess thats part of it.

[JS17]

Feeling used and feeling jealous are two very important feelings. Feeling used is something that you should talk to him about. It's probably weighing on you a lot more than you think.

Feeling jealous is your own insecurities. There are dozens of threads on that topic here. Take a look at a couple of them.

[Candis01]

Ah ok, now you're getting somewhere. Guilt is a powerful thing. Just keep telling yourself that you don't need to apologize for your life and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have this pure ideal view of life and sex that just isn't realisitic. You were taught, and wanted, that sex is a something that you should share with only one person and they should only share with you but it's not very realistic. There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend having had sex with another woman in the PAST and there's nothing wrong with you having sex with him now. Your idealistic notions have just been knocked off the pedastal and so has your idealistic notion of your boyfriend.

I have always had this idea of what sex was suppose to be like. I have always imagined it so perfect. Sorta like I'm your first, your my first, and you fall madly in love, and spend the rest of your life together, and it be flawless. Which i know that would never happen, I've just always thought that's how my life was going to be, and when he told me that, all that came crashing down, and I wish now that I would've waited, because maybe that would've eliminated some of what I'm going through, because I would've had time to get over it before we had sex.

[JS17]

He lied to you at the very beginning of your relationship, BEFORE he REALLY had anything to lose. What makes you think he won't lie again?

 

If we follow JS' way of thinking, "people lie alot when it comes to sex."

 

What other sexual adventures is he going to keep secret from you?

 

 

I think it's really different when it comes to Virginity. Theres a tremendous amount of sensitivity around it and he knew that. That's just my opinion.

[JS17]

I have always had this idea of what sex was suppose to be like. I have always imagined it so perfect. Sorta like I'm your first, your my first, and you fall madly in love, and spend the rest of your life together, and it be flawless. Which i know that would never happen, I've just always thought that's how my life was going to be, and when he told me that, all that came crashing down, and I wish now that I would've waited, because maybe that would've eliminated some of what I'm going through, because I would've had time to get over it before we had sex.

 

 

Sweetie, many many many women have the same dream, and even some men too, but then reality hits and you find out life isn't so pretty and perfect and tied up in a nice little bow. It's devastating, you feel betrayed, and it's going to take you some time to get past everything, for reality to set in. The only way to get past it is to accept it and find the beauty in life again.

[Candis01]

He lied to you at the very beginning of your relationship, BEFORE he REALLY had anything to lose. What makes you think he won't lie again?

 

If we follow JS' way of thinking, "people lie alot when it comes to sex." What other sexual adventures is he going to keep secret from you?

 

How many other girls do you think he has told he was a virgin, only to take their virginity as well? Sounds like a cherry-popping creep to me.

Well I guess you would just have to know him. I know thats the only girl that he has lied about. Its just so weird, because he tells me that they knew each other for 4 years, and then all of a sudden they want to have sex with each other, and suppositly there is NOTHING there. Seems weird to me. which he doesn't talk to her now. I know that for a fact.

[Candis01]

And don't you think he KNEW you felt this way too when he LIED to you and told you he was also a virgin??

 

He didn't just lie to you. He manipulated and contorted your heart.

 

You have every reason to be upset. And every reason to walk away from him.

I'm not going to walk away from him. No he didn't know how i felt when he took my virginity. we had only been going out for about 3 weeks. But it felt so right. you know what I mean. I knew I was going to be with him for a very long time, when I met him.

[Candis01]

Sweetie, when it comes to what this guy did before you and what he does when you're not around, you know NOTHING for a fact. All you can do is BELIEVE.

 

You are choosing to believe that she was the only one because he says so. That's your prerogative. But keep in mind that you also chose to believe that there hadn't been anyone at all...because he had told you so.

 

Sounds like you are intent on believing whatever he tells you. There's no point in discussing it further here, as some of us (namely, myself) are not here to validate your predetermined conclusions, but to HELP you see it from a different perspective.

 

Best of luck.

No. I know for a FACT thats the only girl. He practically lives with me. And when he's not with me, he's on the phone with me. It's not like you think. He's not what you think. I get where your coming from. And it does help to look at it in that perspective, but that perspective is not true.

[Candis01]

Oh, ok. You're not only wilfulling blind, but naive as well.

 

Start a new thread entitled: Guys - Do you think a girl's virginity is important to her?? You'll get your answer.

 

No man/guy/boy in his right mind WOULDN'T think that a girl's virginity is important to her. Taking a girl's virginity is SERIOUS business.

YOU DONT KNOW HIM. He's different from other guys, even my family says that. He would walk a million miles, to be with me. He would give me the world if he could, he's tried. He's perfect, except for that one thing. and I just have to get past that. and your not really helping.

[Candis01]

At first I couldn't trust him, but I didn't want to break up with him, because he did take my virginity, and there is alot of emotions there. So I was very defencive of him for a long time. I would always check up on him. I know thats not any way to get over something. I had very servere trust issues with him. After a while, he began practically living with me, and when he wasn't with me, he was on the phone with me. I've moved away from him, we are 11 miles away from each other, and there is that trust issue again. I love him so much. I really honestly dont know what I would do without him. Every since I've moved I find myself always thinking of him and that girl. I have brought it up. He swears to me, that thats the only girl, and he didn't love her, he just wanted to fit in with his friends. which i can understand that because his friends are manwhores. so I could see him feeling that way. I have grown to trust him again, it was very hard. But he has shown me that I can trust him.

[Candis01]

BTW, this sounds almost identical to what all the OW say in the OW/OM thread when defending their lying, bastardly MMs. Go check it out.

 

A liar is a liar, a liar is a cheat, a liar is not good enough for me. And it shoudln't be good enough for you, either.

If I had solid proof and evidence that he has cheated on me, I would leave in a heartbeat. I don't want to leave him now, because it has been so long. It's been 9 months since he has told me this. It would devistate him if I broke up with him now. I could understand breaking up with him when he first told me.

[Candis01]

The reason why I'm posting about it is because its been on my mind, and I wanted people to tell me things that might get my mind off of it, or if I should talk to him about it to get whatevers on my mind off. Not if I should break up with someone because of something he did 4 years ago, that he just told me about 9 months ago. That wasn't the point. Really I don't know why he waited to tell me. Maybe he was scared. I dont know. I really dont care. I just wanted to know how to get it off my mind. I have really bad jealousy issues, and I know this falls into it. But I'm not going to break up with him for my insecurities.

Thanks for your help though.

[Candis01]

no it happend 4 years ago. we started going out 10 months ago. He told me after we had been going out a month. If i broke up with him, then it would always be on my mind if I did the right thing.