Is this flirtation or am I reading it wrong?

[friendso]

Is there any easy way to tell whether my “gut” feeling about someone flirting with me is accurate? What are some ways you all know?

 

In a nutshell, my new boss is about 4 yrs older than me, and married for 12 years now. I’m married for 7 years. I’ve quickly come to notice that he and I have so much in common, almost too much, and we can easily talk for hours about everything from our team, to politics, to religion, to extracurriculars. He often gives me very flattering compliments (telling me how Contagious my joy/happiness is to the team, how much he appreciates me as a manager, etc.. only a time or two was it about an outfit color or hairstyle).

 

He’s a nice guy, known for being approachable and super nice to everyone, however the past couple weeks I’ve noticed him smile at me and lock eyes with me a lot longer than I’ve noticed before. I’ve even caught him gazing in meetings... or we will exchange a look in meetings where we don’t have to say a thing, it’s just that we know what the other is thinking and have these “inside” work jokes. Works been pretty hectic and at night he’ll be online and IM me, and we will easily chat for hours. We always find a way to bring it back to business/professional... but I can’t help but sense something else is there. He has also made comments that indicate his wife and I are very much alike.

 

I don’t want this to go anywhere, but is my gut correct? Even more stange, his wife friended me on FB recently (I’ve never met her in person)

 

I am starting to make our interactions more brief and I’ve been avoiding IM if I am online at night, just because I started to notice I was enjoying his time too much. I like that this could maybe turn into a platonic friendship but still wanted to seek some advice from the forum on whether I’m blowing this out of proportion and reading it wrong or if I need to be cautious.

[d0nnivain]

If you think he's flirting with you, he may be.

 

However since you are both married & you don't want this to go anywhere just deescalate as you have been doing.

 

Stop having long IM chats with him, especially about non work stuff. Don't be alone with him. When he makes eye contact, you don't hold it. Mention his wife & your husband in your few non-work conversations.

 

You have the ability to keep this above board & on the right track.

[friendso]

So true... I think since I’ve been “off market” for so long I’ve begun to question my ability to detect these things. Obviously it does feel somewhat nice when you realize you’re being flirted with by someone you actually find decent.. however factoring all other things in makes my caution alarm go off.

[stillafool]

Try being friends with his wife. That should put a lid on your crush.

[preraph]

The wife has already noticed the inappropriate IM'ing and that's why she's intervening. Stop the IM'ing or anything after work before you both mess up your marriages. Do say howdy to his wife and then tell him his wife is really nice. This will paralyze him with fear. I know because I've done it more than once.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’ve quickly come to notice that he and I have so much in common, almost too much, and we can easily talk for hours about everything from our team, to politics, to religion, to extracurriculars. He often gives me very flattering compliments (telling me how Contagious my joy/happiness is to the team, how much he appreciates me as a manager, etc.. only a time or two was it about an outfit color or hairstyle).

 

You're in the preliminary stages of an inappropriate relationship for two married people. And the real question isn't "is this a flirtation", it's "why do I need this level of attention from another (married) man"?

 

Your boss is equally foolish, both maritally and professionally. This isn't how knowledgeable supervisors conduct themselves in this day and age.

 

Surely, you see this, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

What were you talking about during those long late-night IM sessions that lasted for hours? That’s extremely inappropriate, to say the least. Was your hubby not suspicious?

[friendso]

The wife has already noticed the inappropriate IM'ing and that's why she's intervening. Stop the IM'ing or anything after work before you both mess up your marriages. Do say howdy to his wife and then tell him his wife is really nice. This will paralyze him with fear. I know because I've done it more than once.

 

So smart. I’m going to send her a message this week saying hello and nice to “meet” her to see how it goes.

[friendso]

You're in the preliminary stages of an inappropriate relationship for two married people. And the real question isn't "is this a flirtation", it's "why do I need this level of attention from another (married) man"?

 

Your boss is equally foolish, both maritally and professionally. This isn't how knowledgeable supervisors conduct themselves in this day and age.

 

Surely, you see this, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have asked myself that and am examining it further, as I know it’s not ok. I wouldn’t be so curious about the flirtation if I wasn’t somewhat intrigued or excited by it. I’m not proud of that, but just saying... and I am trying to see further why this type of attention is grabbing me when it shouldn’t be. Which is also why I’m trying to cut it before it turns into something regrettable for us both.

 

As far as the way knowledgeable supervisors conduct themselves... honestly I wasn’t sure if maybe he was just a really nice guy and uplifting kind of person, and I wasn’t used to that type of managing style/the compliments. I’m just less than 1 yr into managing people and previous bosses have been very hands off and lacking in interpersonal skills, so I was trying to figure out if this is the norm for a “good” boss.. but maybe it is very unprofessional and he is going a little too overboard, hence grabbing the wrong kind of reaction from me :/

[friendso]

What were you talking about during those long late-night IM sessions that lasted for hours? That’s extremely inappropriate, to say the least. Was your hubby not suspicious?

 

Honestly... it’s consisted of work (as we are working through things), an occasional discussion about politics (Trump, govt relations, our opinions) and religious beliefs. Occasionally it may delve into what was for dinner or other work interactions with peers.

 

Hubby is not suspicious at all because I’ve been open with him about the chatting and uplifting comments (just not the at work interactions that are making me suspicious..) :/

[JDJ]

Honestly... it’s consisted of work (as we are working through things), an occasional discussion about politics (Trump, govt relations, our opinions) and religious beliefs. Occasionally it may delve into what was for dinner or other work interactions with peers.

 

Hubby is not suspicious at all because I’ve been open with him about the chatting and uplifting comments (just not the at work interactions that are making me suspicious..) :/

 

Discussing politics and religious beliefs with your boss? Not smart, not normal. I would understand an emotional affair more easily, I think.

[Chris2016]

Try being friends with his wife. That should put a lid on your crush.

 

This thread should have ended here.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wouldn’t be so curious about the flirtation if I wasn’t somewhat intrigued or excited by it. I’m not proud of that, but just saying... and I am trying to see further why this type of attention is grabbing me when it shouldn’t be. Which is also why I’m trying to cut it before it turns into something regrettable for us both.

 

I think it speaks to the fact that, real or perceived, something is missing from your marriage. Almost everyone is flattered by this kind of attention but those happy with their current relationship simply acknowledge the fact and pursue it no further.

 

Might be time to think about how you can take some responsibility to bring more energy to things at home...

 

Mr. Lucky

[friendso]

I think it speaks to the fact that, real or perceived, something is missing from your marriage. Almost everyone is flattered by this kind of attention but those happy with their current relationship simply acknowledge the fact and pursue it no further.

 

Might be time to think about how you can take some responsibility to bring more energy to things at home...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are absolutely right!

[snowboy91]

I don’t want this to go anywhere, but is my gut correct? Even more stange, his wife friended me on FB recently (I’ve never met her in person)

 

I am starting to make our interactions more brief and I’ve been avoiding IM if I am online at night, just because I started to notice I was enjoying his time too much. I like that this could maybe turn into a platonic friendship but still wanted to seek some advice from the forum on whether I’m blowing this out of proportion and reading it wrong or if I need to be cautious.

 

Its possible he might be flirting. But if you want to make this a friendship, be clear to yourself about your boundaries, and firmly push back if he tries to cross them.

 

Getting in touch with the wife is a good step toward a friendship. Its possible your boss wants this to be platonic as well - hence including his wife in this new friendship. It could be either, but you don't know so proceed with caution. But proceed, no need to cut it off.

[OldSoulB]

Geez, what are you, 13 years old? Just bring it up straight to the guy and tell him that things are getting confusing and be honest with him as to what you want out of this relationship.

 

The only reason that people hesitate to do what I mentioned is because they actually have feelings for the other person and don't want to ruin it by saying the wrong thing, but since you clearly don't want anything serious with him and only want a friendship, then **** me, I don't know why you're being such a child about it.