This is my story.

[Wife1982]

I am married and have also been involved in what I believe to be an emotional affair with a married man for about a year and a half now. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for the pain that you've experienced with this relationship. I am starting to feel that my friend has been distancing himself--maybe because of guilt or maybe feeling overwhelmed with other things like committees and boards he's serving on--I don't know why. Similarly to you, we used to talk daily (via e-mail) and would sometimes text each other during the week. We've opened up to one another about some really personal things, but at this point, I don't know when, if ever, I'll hear from him again. The hardest part is knowing there is no one I can cry to about this unless I were to seek professional help, but I don't want to resort to that yet. I'm trying to get over this obsession I have with him. How long do I wait before I say, "too little, too late," if he were to suddenly write again? We met at an event that meets monthly and really hit it off. However, since that initial meeting, we often see each other between the monthly meetings (just to talk--nothing physical has ever happened.) He's a really good guy, and maybe I've read things wrong...I don't really know. We've admitted mutual attraction, but he himself said, "On an alternate timeline, I'd pursue you, but that's neither here nor there since we're both in the situations we're in." (as in married with kids.) I'm having a really hard time not having self-doubt, shame, and embarrassment creep into my thoughts. Then the feminist inside of me wants to slap me saying to not ever let a man determine my self-worth. Talk about conflicting internal feelings! How do you move on? I don't even have a moment to myself to cry as I'm either with my daughter, husband, at work, or out in public all the time. I have so many questions for him, but the way things were left, I feel like I just need to give him his space right now. He never said that he wanted to end things, but he did mention that he's been having a hard time with things, and he and his wife are trying to work things out. I would never hold it against him that he's turning to his wife to help him get through this hard time. I told him I understood and that I'd be available should he ever need an extra person to talk to. He wrote back saying thank you and that it's good to know he has friends who care by his side, followed by a "big hugs." That was the last time I heard from him, which was about a week and a half ago. I wrote him Tuesday (a few days after he wrote that message) just checking in to ask how he was doing but haven't heard a peep. I figured that I'd take the hint and not write unless he wrote at this point. Is this how your exMM would stop talking to you, too? Would you ever reach out and he'd just not answer? Knowing my friend, he's really a caring and compassionate person, but am I being overly naïve? I don't think he'd ever want to hurt me but realizes he needs to take care of himself and his family first and foremost now. I just wish I had closure.

 

I appreciate the chance to vent a little within your post. You have someone who is sympathizing with wishing you could talk to others about this issue but knowing you can't (at least not in person with people you know.) Things will get better for us, but we just have to distance ourselves from the situation more, I guess. I hope things have gotten easier for you, too, as time has gone by.

[Bufo]

Have you considered the fact that you are walking through a minefield where one misplaced step could blow everything up? Two people know about your affair in perfect detail. What happens if BW finds some old email or pictures? What stops her from marching across the street evidence in hand and tells everything to your BH? All the MC and IC isn’t going to help one bit when your H realizes he’s been played for the fool for years.

 

Why would he believe you are sincere in your plan to kickstart the marriage?

Why would he not see this betrayal as more than he can accept?

 

Lies and half truths are powerful things. But only in their negative consequences. There are innumerable posts here about how lies and half truths make R very difficult.

 

Discovery can occur years after the A is long over. BW may be knocking on your door to borrow a cup of flour. Or she may be going to play show and tell with your Bh. You’ll never know in advance. Maybe you should discuss with IC whether disclosure is a good or bad idea.

[DKT3]

I believe OP is long gone, she either fell right back into a routine with her boyfriend or didn't like what she was reading here about it.

[Miss Clavel]

i hope you say nothing. you better hope your face is not in any of those pictures.

 

then hope that his cell phone falls in the toilet.

 

right across the street? omg. add in the kids.

 

next. start rehearsing. repeat, "he didn't get it in!!"

 

maybe that fact will be enough for your husband.

 

either way, it sounds like your husband needs a lot of work.

 

let him try to walk out on you. can he even walk? just ask him, if he does walk not to blab about the reason why..

 

good luck. right across the street. christ.

[DKT3]

i hope you say nothing. you better hope your face is not in any of those pictures.

 

then hope that his cell phone falls in the toilet.

 

right across the street? omg. add in the kids.

 

next. start rehearsing. repeat, "he didn't get it in!!"

 

maybe that fact will be enough for your husband.

 

either way, it sounds like your husband needs a lot of work.

 

let him try to walk out on you. can he even walk? just ask him, if he does walk not to blab about the reason why..

 

good luck. right across the street. christ.

 

I think it's far more common then you might think. I can think of a few people that I know IRL that has an AP next door or across the street. We've had several post here.

[closetohome]

i hope you say nothing. you better hope your face is not in any of those pictures.

 

then hope that his cell phone falls in the toilet.

 

right across the street? omg. add in the kids.

 

next. start rehearsing. repeat, "he didn't get it in!!"

 

maybe that fact will be enough for your husband.

 

either way, it sounds like your husband needs a lot of work.

 

let him try to walk out on you. can he even walk? just ask him, if he does walk not to blab about the reason why..

 

good luck. right across the street. christ.

 

He can walk, but barely. So thanks for your concern. I have been focused on my husband’s health and today is actually a really big day for him and us as a family as he is getting a procedure done to try and change his life. So again, thanks for your concern. But today, he is my only concern.

[closetohome]

I have been 48 days absolute no contact with my exMM. My story is at the top of this thread. For the most part, I have felt very strong and have not wanted to reach out. Our last interaction ended badly, with me calling him out, telling him he has no respect for me (as he made me feel completely used and trashy the last time we had any interaction), and telling him I felt disgusted with how he treats me. Well of course he got angry and we had words for me. We have been complete no contact since. If you remember, he is my neighbour who lives directly across the street. There was one time in November when I was playing outside with my son. He tried to get me to look at him as he pulled in, was completely staring at me. It was uncomfortable, but I completely ignored him. I’m sure he thinks I hate him. I just want to stop feeling anything about him. I avoid running into him outside. I will not reach out. Not this time. I felt so low after our last interaction that I just won’t. I’m sure he thinks I’ll cave and talk to him eventually, but not this time. Not after how he treated me recently. I feel embarrassed and used. As angry as I am, part of me still feels a sense of sadness and missing him, which is very confusing. I’m just hoping that my range of feelings settles down to where I simply don’t care at all. I’m definitely not there yet, and him being directly across the street is hard as hell. But I’m really doing everything I can to try and move on from him. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.

[DKT3]

You had words of wisdom 6 months ago and continued your affair just as I said you would.

 

Until you get genuine this will not go away. Let's say your boyfriend across the street hadn't treated you poorly, would you still be sneaking around? Until you find a better reason to not be involved with him you will continue. Eventually he will be nice, what do you do then.

 

on a side note had your connection improved with your husband?

[closetohome]

You had words of wisdom 6 months ago and continued your affair just as I said you would.

 

Until you get genuine this will not go away. Let's say your boyfriend across the street hadn't treated you poorly, would you still be sneaking around? Until you find a better reason to not be involved with him you will continue. Eventually he will be nice, what do you do then.

 

on a side note had your connection improved with your husband?

 

To be honest, when I posted last in July, him and I were barely speaking. No texting, the occasional hello outside. But you’re right. He came back around, in person, being all nicely nicey. Being friendly (all the while his wife was out of town for 3 weeks - which is exactly why he came back around wanting to be friends). We texted for a couple weeks before he was back to saying he didn’t want text communication because it was too risky, let’s just talk out on the street when we happen to see each other. I was doing fine not speaking to him, before he started chatting me up outside again.

 

I fell for it, tried to be “friends”, just doesn’t work. After July, I started pulling way back again, avoiding him, true colours really show when he didn’t even acknowledge my birthday. It really started to click in September that he pretends to care. He actually doesn’t. So we didn’t speak for another month and a half, then unfortunately ran into each other trick or treating. While I avoided him, he made a point to walk over and say hello where I was. Anyways, besides the point. The whole thing is unfulfilling and doesn’t make me feel good anymore.

 

The last words we had in November were not nice.

 

I suppose I needed to get to this place on my own, even though everyone gave me really sound advice. Please believe me, I do want to be genuine. I don’t want to feel anything for him anymore. I really feel like it’s an addiction for me, it’s difficult. I do want it to stop though. It’s not fair to my husband. I want to be authentic and just be happy with him again.

 

Thank you for asking, my connection with my husband has improved. We are spending more time together, I have moved back into our bed, we have been intimate (to the best of his ability with his nerve damage, if you k ie what I’m saying). His health really took a toll the last year and that was very hard for me and our children. It was hell for him. He is managing his pain, but it’s still there. Some days more than others. He has turned a bit of a corner and is a different person than he was a year ago. We are making small steps, but we are making positive steps and that feels good.

[Bittersweetie]

Until you figure out the reason why you thought it was okay to fool around on your husband with the man across the street, you may be doomed to continue. Because stopping the affair has to come from within YOU and not from harsh words or your AP making you feel trashy.

 

And to add, reasoning for your affair isn't just about issues with your marriage or your husband (it sounds like he may have some kind of health condition). YOU made the choice to have an affair with the neighbor and that is on YOU. Why did you do it? Why did you think those actions were okay?

 

You asked for words of wisdom, and I'm sorry if I'm being a bit harsh. I'm a fWW. Recovery from an affair is a difficult path, especially if you plan on doing it alone. It takes some serious self-reflection and facing of issues. Which if you are willing to face, the results can be worth it. I am so, so much happier and satisfied with my life now than I was when I was in the affair. But it took a lot of pain and work to get here, and deep scars that both my husband and myself will always have directly due to my choices and actions. I wish I could've gotten to this place without the destruction I caused. I hate that.

 

So, it's almost 2019. What kind of person do you want to be in 2019? Then work on small steps to start moving in that direction. Good luck.

[Giraffe-A]

I think he is realizing that while your physical proximity to him is ideal, he’s also seeing the future consequences of it and is backing out. You need to see that too. This is a really bad situation.

 

And you seem to be having all of time on your hands to sext and talk when you should be surprising your husband with those things. You borh are married and should be working on your marriages instead of helping destroy each other over some very basic needs.

[closetohome]

I’m posting here because I’m having a rough day. It has been almost 2 months since exMM and I have spoken. He knows I’m ignoring him as I won’t even look at him or acknowledge him if we happen to pass by each other outside (he lives across the street). I’m doing it, but I’m starting to wonder if keeping myself so angry is hindering my healing. I guess it hurts that it appears he doesn’t seem to care that we aren’t speaking or even acknowledging each other. I don’t know if I should try to have a conversation with him so it’s not so awkward. It’s hard to actively ignore someone who lives right in front of me. I’m holding strong, but it’s really starting to get to me. I’m not sure what to do.

[FMW]

The effort to ignore him is actually keeping it stirred up for you. Somehow you have to figure out how to co-exist without actively ignoring him but also not having meaningful interaction.

 

I don't think talking to him is a good idea. Just lift a hand in greeting if you happen to see him but that's it.

 

I'm having to learn the same, but fortunately for me it's just 4-5 hours once a week, not possible random run-ins on a 24 hour a day basis.

[Bittersweetie]

Do not talk to him. Continue what you are doing. Yes it is hard and yes it is awkward but those are the consequences of having an affair, especially one with the man across the street. If it becomes too hard, then maybe you need to move. I know you will think "I cannot do that to my family" but again, there are consequences to choices and if that's the only healthy path that will move you forward, then you may have to seriously consider it.

 

You mention being angry. Angry at the AP? Or angry at yourself? I hope it isn't anger at xAP...that is mental energy you don't need to be spending right now. Your focus should be on NC and your path forward, not that "he doesn't seem to care" or whatever you're trying to see in his actions.

 

It's a new year! Continue your NC as best you can and move forward, slowly, not backward. You can do it, you've done it for two months now!

[closetohome]

The effort to ignore him is actually keeping it stirred up for you. Somehow you have to figure out how to co-exist without actively ignoring him but also not having meaningful interaction.

 

I don't think talking to him is a good idea. Just lift a hand in greeting if you happen to see him but that's it.

 

I'm having to learn the same, but fortunately for me it's just 4-5 hours once a week, not possible random run-ins on a 24 hour a day basis.

 

Finding My Way,

 

Thank you for responding. I think you are right that actively ignoring is keeping it stirred up for me. I just feel so confused because for me, this is hard and ignoring is almost making it worse. If it bothers him, I’ll never know because he would never admit to it. He doesn’t seem to mind though, his actions have proved that.

 

I was really hurt by our last interaction and the things he said to me, so I know that he doesn’t deserve my time or efforts of trying to be cordial. But it hurts just the same. He thinks I’ll talk to him eventually, I know it. I’m trying so hard to stay strong.

[closetohome]

Do not talk to him. Continue what you are doing. Yes it is hard and yes it is awkward but those are the consequences of having an affair, especially one with the man across the street. If it becomes too hard, then maybe you need to move. I know you will think "I cannot do that to my family" but again, there are consequences to choices and if that's the only healthy path that will move you forward, then you may have to seriously consider it.

 

You mention being angry. Angry at the AP? Or angry at yourself? I hope it isn't anger at xAP...that is mental energy you don't need to be spending right now. Your focus should be on NC and your path forward, not that "he doesn't seem to care" or whatever you're trying to see in his actions.

 

It's a new year! Continue your NC as best you can and move forward, slowly, not backward. You can do it, you've done it for two months now!

 

Bittersweetie, thank you. I needed to hear a lot of that.

 

I think the anger at this point is more with myself. Yes, I was really angry at him 2 months ago when things “ended” again. Angry with the way he was treating and speaking to me. I still do feel some anger toward him, but it’s starting to dissipate and that’s kind of what scares me. That my emotions swing from anger and disgust to sadness and confusion. In the past, that is when I get weak and make contact of some sort.

 

I agree, he doesn’t deserve my mental energy. That is why I am angry with myself. That I still think about him, when I know he doesn’t deserve it. I go through little fits of yelling at myself to just “stop thinking about him!” But then the next thing that follows is me in tears pleading with God to “just make the thought of him go away”. This has felt like a backslide for me over the past few days.

 

I will not contact him. I know that no good will come of it and I know that any contact will severely hinder my progress. I am proud that I have stayed strong for this long.

 

Thank you for your words.

[closetohome]

Thank you for your replies today. I just had a very heavy heart today. It was one of those days where I spent a lot of time sitting on the couch, staring out the window. Thinking about everything that has happened. It helped to read your words, and it helped to replay in my mind all of the things that he has said and/or done that shows he’s not worth any of my time and energy.

 

This is hard, but I do feel a little bit stronger every day. I felt weepy and sad today. I did let myself feel those emotions. But I brushed them off when I was done and I think that’s ok.

 

Maybe it’s being off for the holidays. Maybe it’s because he has been off too and I have to see him outside much more frequently. Maybe it’s the fact that he just looks at me outside, but says nothing. Maybe that’s why I have been down the last few days.

 

I am looking forward to continuing my journey of healing in 2019. I’m feeling closer with my husband every day, and this gives me strength.

[Dreamer2017]

In my opinion, you should take the same mental energy you are giving to the relationship with your OM and refocus it on your husband and your family. The refocusing could help in the healing process in overcoming the effects of your affair. I also believe you should come clean with your husband. It is unfair to your husband to harbor deep emotions for another man without his knowledge.

 

Dreamer

[closetohome]

In my opinion, you should take the same mental energy you are giving to the relationship with your OM and refocus it on your husband and your family. The refocusing could help in the healing process in overcoming the effects of your affair. I also believe you should come clean with your husband. It is unfair to your husband to harbor deep emotions for another man without his knowledge.

 

Dreamer

 

Thank you for your reply. Trust me, I am focused on my children and I have been refocusing my attention on my husband. Things between us are improving every day and I do not plan on going backwards. We have a lot to build back up and it feels better every day. I am ready to move on from exMM. I was just having a hard day as he’s always so close in proximity. As much progress as I have made, it doesn’t make it any easier in my healing process.

[Abetterme]

Hi OP - I saw your check in on another thread and I thought I would ask you the same, how are you doing? Hope the New Year is continuing to bring positive changes putting the A behind you. Take care!

[Orokotikki]

So when are you going to move?

Anger doesn't equate to ending things p e r m a n e n t l y.

Disclosure and moving would.

Even if you won't disclose, moving would be a huge step in the right direction, even if just across town.

[closetohome]

Hi OP - I saw your check in on another thread and I thought I would ask you the same, how are you doing? Hope the New Year is continuing to bring positive changes putting the A behind you. Take care!

 

Abetterme, thank you for checking in! I’m doing well right now. I feel like my mind is in a different place. I have no desire to know what exMM neighbour is up to or doing. I do my best to not even look over at his house when I have to go outside. I have changed some simple things over the last few weeks, such as not sitting in my front living room so I can’t see his house. I spend my time in other areas of my home. As silly as that sounds, it has been very helpful for me because I haven’t had to even see a glimpse of him in weeks, which can sometimes trigger me. I don’t even want to see him at all at this point, even in passing.

 

I have been spending a lot of quality time with my children, husband, and as a family. It has been so nice, and I catch myself smiling often because I feel blessed. I can’t believe I was risking my family for someone who was and is a dead end. He isn’t even a good friend. I am starting to really understand that I didn’t lose much. The relationship/friendship dwindled down to me investing 85% and him a mere 15%. Who wants that? Not me.

 

I have been focusing on myself and my family. I have been eating healthy, trying to declutter, and doing things that relax me and make me happy. My family is #1 and most important.

 

I’m hoping I can keep this momentum going. After that blip a couple of weeks ago when we spoke and he basically said he didn’t want to even be friends, something inside me shifted. Why the hell would I keep trying to hold on to something that is obviously over? He can think I’m great all he wants, it just makes me feel a little nauseous now. All of it.

 

So, moving forward in 2019 I am focusing on me and my family and I hope that during these coming months, I can start to reach a point of indifference. I’m not there yet, but I do actually feel as though I’m starting to care less every day. That’s something, right?

 

How are you doing Abetterme?

[pepperbird]

OP,

if you don't mind a piece of advice form someone who is oftne n the caregiver role for her spouse... []

 

Find support for yourself. There are groups out there for "family caregivers" and sometimes, just being able to speak with someone who understands can be a huge relief.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing and topical content.

[Abetterme]

 

So, moving forward in 2019 I am focusing on me and my family and I hope that during these coming months, I can start to reach a point of indifference. I’m not there yet, but I do actually feel as though I’m starting to care less every day. That’s something, right?

 

How are you doing Abetterme?

 

@closer - That is good to read. As helpful as much of the advice and smacks of “reality” on these forums are I do feel scared reading many updates as so many struggle for so long and it can just send me in a bad cycle. I am sure it is much harder being in close proximity. I know moving may not be realistic for you, but ultimately would be a blessing to you getting over this. I had forgotten about your update and your recent conversation. As hurtful as it was....you know there is no point even trying to be cordial and your silence moving forward is best for all involved. I have no desire to be friends with my xMM. I never was in the first place. He was just someone who wanted to sleep with me once and pretended to share interests, passions, etc. Seeing him for who he really is....I would have never had anything to do with him if I met him on the street. It was all fake.

 

I have had a rough week. Not even that I want to contact him or miss him necessaeily but dealing with guilt and external stressors that prob make me more sensitive than normal and a bit depressed. My birthday is coming up and his is shortly thereafter and it has put me in a weird place. I’m angry I spent the last couple birthdays absorbed by this nonsense and have anxiety about him trying to reach out. I won’t even be able to enjoy it because of my horrible choices. It will be one of many holidays and special occasions where I deal with the repercussions of what I’ve done. I don’t know if any of that really makes sense....but I’m venting. Some days I just want to go to sleep and pray I wake up in 6 months.

 

All the best!