Why / why not?

[mortensorchid]

I was thinking about this problem I have had for a long time now. It seems like all the same thing happens to me (and this is probably not news / unique to me or anyone else). You're with someone - as in you are having more than one OLD / date where you meet a person once and that's that, you are having an actual relationship of some kind. Maybe you're dating for a few weeks, a few months, and then you hit a certain plateau at the 2 month, then the next will be at the 6-9 month marker. ANd it's happened many times to me : They leave. Because either the newness / infatuation period has worn off, or they realize this is the actual relationship portion of it and they don't want to be with a serious person like me. And they break it off.

 

 

After that? Some rebound to be sure and take up with someone else almost immediately, many of them end up marrying those gals or staying in a LTR with them for years and years. I will not - repeat NOT - comment about the gals that they end up with because I resolved to not say what I feel about them (ex. call them trashy) because people have come down on me for that. But what does that tell me or others? It tells me that they want to be with subpar girls rather than a woman, or that they want to be in an immature relationship rather than a mature one. Or the classic reason that most men break it off - they don't want to make a commitment.

 

 

This is not a good situation for people to be in. Because I know at this point in my life (at age 43) that once the infatuation period wears off, you better like that person that you are with. You don't have to LOVE them, just like them. And if you don't? Well … You're not in a good situation. I just wonder why these things have happened to me over and over again.

Edited June 24, 2018 by mortensorchid
Additional question

[alphamale]

the older you get the harder traditional western-style dating gets. I know a ton of women in their 50's and 60's who can't even find a guy and live a solitary existence.

[smackie9]

omg this is just like a guy saying nice guys finish last......

[basil67]

I will not - repeat NOT - comment about the gals that they end up with because I resolved to not say what I feel about them (ex. call them trashy) because people have come down on me for that. But what does that tell me or others? It tells me that they want to be with subpar girls rather than a woman, or that they want to be in an immature relationship rather than a mature one. Or the classic reason that most men break it off - they don't want to make a commitment.

 

 

And despite your resolve to not criticise other women, you go and do it in the very same paragraph! Have you ever thought that if you were kinder about others, you may have more positive outcomes in your life?

 

Also, I have no idea what an "immature relationship" is.

[smackie9]

It's like a poor musician blaming his instrument.

[Happy Lemming]

the older you get the harder traditional western-style dating gets. I know a ton of women in their 50's and 60's who can't even find a guy and live a solitary existence.

 

I'd like to agree with this statement.

 

All of my girlfriend's women friends are in this age range and have tried everything to find a man and are unsuccessful. They've tried OLD, country line dancing, everything and no luck. One (45 year old woman) dated a guy about a year ago, and it lasted about a month and he ghosted her. She hasn't been able to attract any prospects since then and she has been trying.

 

I have a theory that as men age and their testosterone naturally goes down, they don't have the drive to chase/date any women. Let's face it, dating is work. Men have to plan the date, spend money, etc. and I think they are content getting a pizza and watching Netflix or HULU, by themselves.

 

In my younger days I was willing to jump through quite a few hoops to try to date, now not so much. When my long term girlfriend and I stop dating, I doubt I'll try to meet someone else. Its just not worth all the work involved.

 

Just my two cents...

[mortensorchid]

Ok then here's my question: Why don't they commit? As in why don't men commit?

[Woggle]

Ok then here's my question: Why don't they commit? As in why don't men commit?

 

Many men do commit. Just like women we just need to find something we want to commit to.

[Happy Lemming]

Ok then here's my question: Why don't they commit? As in why don't men commit?

 

They don't have to...

 

The few older men that want to date can pick the "cream of the crop" and move to the next woman when they want to. They don't have to commit, and don't have to risk their assets to get their needs satisfied.

 

When men and woman start to reach 45, the tables turn. As stated in my earlier post, the hoops I had to jump through in my 20's to have sex; I won't jump through now. There are plenty of woman 45-60 for me to pick from, but when I'm done with my present girlfriend I may take a break (from dating) and focus more on me, and my desire to travel/adventure. And I don't mind traveling alone, actually I prefer it.

[basil67]

Enigma is right. The men are committing...just not to you. I've known many 'commitment phobic' men over the years. Without exception, all settled down when they found the the right woman. And contrary to your assertion, the women they met were not sub par or trashy.

 

Yes, you're right about the infatuation period wearing off. It always happens. But the thing which happens at the same time is that one starts seeing the partner for who we really are and find they don't want that entails.

 

You said recently that many men have said that you're "too intelligent" for them. Unfortunately, I think you take this as a statement of fact rather than the cryptic message that it is. Thing is, there are a great many people who are able to have relationships, so it's not really about intelligence. Perhaps it's about being too dry....or academically unreachable...or heavy...or deep...or without any lightheartedness. It would be wise to read between the lines to work out what the underlying problem really is.

 

You're doing something to drive them away and to change, you first have to question yourself honestly. This isn't about the other women the men choose, it's about you.

[Chris2016]

I think you are asking the wrong question here. You say that these men always leave you, but then you say that they end up in a rebound relationship where they do commit. So, the real question you should be asking is why don't these men commit to you? Now, I gather that you are an attractive woman with no kids, right? That makes you a serious catch in your age bracket, trust me. Therefore, you are doing something that makes these guys leave. I am guessing it has something to do with how you think all these other ladies are sub-par girls compared to you.

 

Catch yes.

 

My guess though, are those guys going younger.

[nospam99]

Hmmm... Is this a bit about what 50- and 60-somethings are 'looking for' in a relationship? I know on LS, people throw around generalizations: older men want to go young for example. But I'll throw in an observation based on me currently going through a 'cold spell' in my OLD adventures: I'm seeing a lot of profiles where the women write that they have upper age limits on the type of man they are looking for. I don't have a metric (percentage of all female profiles), but many say their limit is two or one year older than they are, the same age, or even a younger man. Combine that with a profiled desire for a man five or six inches taller. Are these women willing to 'soften up' on their stated age and height 'requirements'? I don't know. But if they're not, they're limiting their selection as much as some guy cutting off women at an upper age limit, because they're a single mom, or any other criteria. My point is that a generalization about an 'older' woman complaining about not finding Prince Charming (Prince Harry is currently off the market but Prince Andy isn't) may need review and a 'look in the mirror' by the woman in question.

[Chilli]

Can't agree it's a guy problem trouble finding men later, guys just get blamed for everything , even womens problems, women age to yaknow.

 

But they do certainly get picky and careful with age and the pickings get fewer and fewer, l could've settled in with a few different ladies ld met after divorce. They probably all blame me and commitment problems and bs, but the simple reality was none of them were for me.

l met gf later on , boom , explosions went off everywhere , that's what l'm talkin about.

Right girl , simple.

 

Same back in my 20s , l got called everything under the sun it was always my fault and l did feel huge guilt with gf's when l didn't wanna settle down or marry and have a family with any. But, met my ex w, same again , boom , we were living together in a month , engaged in a year, married 19yrs, still would be if not for some other stuff.

 

And then there's the divorce factor , guys are very very wary about risking that again.

 

l'd really say honestly , there just hasn;'t been the right guy yet tbh. Or maybe once there was but obstacles or soemthing,

Edited June 26, 2018 by Chilli

[SevenCity]

As stated, the common denominator is you.

 

It’s really hard to look inward to inspect your flaws but you have to. Otherwise, you will be here in 10 years complaining about the same thing.

 

I recall one post of yours where you were ripping into a guy friend and everyone here saw it except you.

 

I’m not trying to be mean, but people have a way of looking at their own behavior through rose colored glasses. Everyone thinks they are right.

 

But you have to realize you are human and have flaws. Some of these are pushing men away. Until you discover and address them you will continue to repeat the same pattern.

 

If you are attractive with no kids that puts you above most of the available women in your age range so you already have an advantage.

 

Find what is causing men to leave and fix it.

[Els]

Uh, I hate to say this, but I can hedge a pretty good guess that it's your personality at fault. It seems I'm not the only one to think that, too. So many of your posts - sleeping with a partnered man with no remorse, constantly backbiting other women, general negativity and spite - they speak volumes about who you are inside. Your appearance may attract people early on, but they are leaving because they see who you are inside.

 

 

The good news is that this can be fixed, if you want to.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with Basil, Enigma & Elswyth.

 

Something I find curious is that you ask a question, rarely, if ever respond to questions asked of you and on occasion come back with a counter question as you did here.

Often, online scenarios pan out very similar to IRL ones.

 

On LS it appears you throw a question out but give no validity to replies.

Is that how you deal with people IRL?

I feel pretty insignificant replying to you generally as my reply never gets any response.

[mortensorchid]

I agree with Basil, Enigma & Elswyth.

 

Something I find curious is that you ask a question, rarely, if ever respond to questions asked of you and on occasion come back with a counter question as you did here.

Often, online scenarios pan out very similar to IRL ones.

 

On LS it appears you throw a question out but give no validity to replies.

Is that how you deal with people IRL?

I feel pretty insignificant replying to you generally as my reply never gets any response.

 

I don't know what to say to that question.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I was thinking about this problem I have had for a long time now. It seems like all the same thing happens to me (and this is probably not news / unique to me or anyone else). You're with someone - as in you are having more than one OLD / date where you meet a person once and that's that, you are having an actual relationship of some kind. Maybe you're dating for a few weeks, a few months, and then you hit a certain plateau at the 2 month, then the next will be at the 6-9 month marker. ANd it's happened many times to me : They leave. Because either the newness / infatuation period has worn off, or they realize this is the actual relationship portion of it and they don't want to be with a serious person like me. And they break it off.

 

 

After that? Some rebound to be sure and take up with someone else almost immediately, many of them end up marrying those gals or staying in a LTR with them for years and years. I will not - repeat NOT - comment about the gals that they end up with because I resolved to not say what I feel about them (ex. call them trashy) because people have come down on me for that. But what does that tell me or others? It tells me that they want to be with subpar girls rather than a woman, or that they want to be in an immature relationship rather than a mature one. Or the classic reason that most men break it off - they don't want to make a commitment.

 

 

This is not a good situation for people to be in. Because I know at this point in my life (at age 43) that once the infatuation period wears off, you better like that person that you are with. You don't have to LOVE them, just like them. And if you don't? Well … You're not in a good situation. I just wonder why these things have happened to me over and over again.

 

Every person is different, every dating experience a new adventure awaits,

Some may last as quick as the morning dew, some may last until the end of fate,

However truncated, however brief, however long, and however serious it may be,

Have fun with each and every one for you may find one in which love is to be.

[hotpotato]

I know what you mean about super girls.

To you, they may look 'trashy,' but for whatever reason she does it for him.

 

The traits you value in yourself may not be what the guy is looking for in a long term partner.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't know what to say to that question.

 

Do you concede that it's likely that it is something about your personality that is making these men not want to commit to you? As many have mentioned, you often come across as harsh, abrasive, and critical. Most men like warm, friendly, encouraging, and optimistic.

[guest569]

I agree with Basil, Enigma & Elswyth.

 

Something I find curious is that you ask a question, rarely, if ever respond to questions asked of you and on occasion come back with a counter question as you did here.

Often, online scenarios pan out very similar to IRL ones.

 

On LS it appears you throw a question out but give no validity to replies.

Is that how you deal with people IRL?

I feel pretty insignificant replying to you generally as my reply never gets any response.

 

Good point. And yet every thread gets a tonne of replies that all go unread. Why ask if you don’t genuinely seek honest advice and prefer to go along with blaming everyone else.

[Els]

Good point. And yet every thread gets a tonne of replies that all go unread. Why ask if you don’t genuinely seek honest advice and prefer to go along with blaming everyone else.

 

 

I'm guessing the OP was hoping we'd all respond with: "Yeah, don't worry hun, it's them, not you. Men don't like commitment. They don't commit to independent, strong women. They only go for subpar immature girls - of which you are NOT one, obviously! You go girl!" :rolleyes:

[CrazyKatLady]

I doubt it's her...i have had the same experience...but I learned a lot about who I am...just ignore them and let them run off to others and be happy somewhere else. to give everyone the benefit of the doubt...People react differently to break-ups. and, it's hard to be appreciated for being an exceptionally strong, smart, charming, attractive woman in society...or in America at this point, anymore...I feel like I am already living in some foreign land where men are barbaric and women's rights have backslid 1000 years or so into the past...we got our freedom, then we're forced to play dumb, like lady gaga, like idiot sluts or porn stars...wtf? women were going into science, etc...seems unlikely that we would have chosen to use our freedom to make Miley Cyrus videos humping on things for the whole world to see...mind control...if you are smart, stay single...what will the world do then...besides, Paul says in the bible, to be like him, single...less problems...to heck with sex with dumb people who only please themselves, to people who can't be kind and honest.

[Chilli]

So basically once again society and men get blamed because they don't like you much either , maybe your just a pain in the ass and have unlikable traits like a lot of things mentioned in the thread that people just don't enjoy, maybe op is.

lf l'm a pain in the ass women don't like me much either .

But l wouldn't blame them or society just because l'm a smart strong pain in the ass. :bunny:

Just sayin

But eh , l'm not in america.

Edited July 6, 2018 by Chilli

[Happy Lemming]

To "mortensorchid"

 

I've got an idea, but you have to be honest with yourself.

 

Make a list of your assets (not financial) but with regards to your life, personality, looks, skills, etc. Things that guys like or might like.

 

Then make a list of your baggage or things, you think, turn guys off.

 

Analyze your baggage list and try to change each item into an asset or dump that baggage item.

 

I'll start... You seem to be dismissive of guys that are of lower intelligence, instead of dismissing the guy, how about your teach him something new or different (and not in a sexual way). Teach him something about a hobby you have or something you learned in acting classes. Maybe, share your favorite book with him?? Turn something that was baggage into something that could be an asset.

 

Just a thought...