greymatter Posted July 7, 2018 Share Posted July 7, 2018 (edited) I don't know what to say to that question. Why don't you try to answer the question? You received many constructive and helpful comments in this thread though I realize they must be hard to hear. If you would try to think through the question and answer it, you might learn some things about yourself. But it seems like you would rather remain bitter and blame men for your relationship woes, instead of trying to figure out what you can do differently so you can have the relationship you say that you want. It's a very avoidant response. Gemma mentioned feeling insignificant given your ongoing lack of response to posters like her who try to help you, and you completely ignored her statement. It's very telling. I wonder if you really do want a relationship. Having a close, intimate relationship would require introspection and self awareness and being willing to be there for someone. You would have to think about what you have to give/offer someone, and adjustments would be needed along the way for any relationship to work. Something major is happening in your interactions with men that are causing them to walk away (maybe in some cases you are simply choosing the wrong men for yourself, which many of us have done, but in your case it honestly seems like much more than that). It might be very painful for you to confront whatever the issues are with your interpersonal dynamics, but doing that seems better than being depressed and alone if being single is not what you want for yourself. I do suspect that your extreme negativity is coming out during your dates and that is why men lose interest - please correct me if I'm wrong about that. I agree that doing a personal inventory might give you some insight, if you actually do want to work on this and not just complain. As an aside, I don't agree with the posters who think women in their 50s and 60s can forget about ever finding anyone (so not the case, in my experience! Early 50s here). There is a lot of bashing of women (young and old, single moms, etc.) and blatant generalizations made on these boards. I would hate to think you are contributing to that with your own comments about "trashy subpar" women. It doesn't reflect well on anyone who say things like this, which is a comfort to me at least. Edited July 8, 2018 by greymatter Double quote 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 I don't know what to say to that question. I read this reply several days ago and I have no idea what to do with it. The only thing I can think of doing is responding to you original question - except I have the complete opposite issue to you and as Greymatter went on to state about age etc., well, I'm 6 years older than you are OP and my issues have been with men committing - way too fast and too much. You say after 2 or around 9 months these men leave. These are both pivotal times - pivotal meaning crucial. What has happened with me is: A. someone if definitely not right for me on date one or before (whether online or not).. I don't ghost people so will be clear that I am not interested. B. I am dating and 2-3 months is when you begin to find out the real person - their REAL personality and that is where I end things if it's become clear to me that this guy is not for me. At 2 months he is behaving in ways that are total utter deal breakers - great example of which is that he takes no responsibility and blames others for all sorts of things - you name it - life, work, social things - whatever happens is someone else's fault. C. getting as far as say 6/7/8/9 months then it's actually just taken longer to be aware of 'B' and for me to be really aware that this is not someone I want to be around. Both B and C I have seen too many traits of blame and negativity in conversations from that guy. We all have baggage and bad times but it's really not normal for those to ALWAYS be someone else's fault. I have my own stuff - I accept my fault, my cause for things that have happened to me. Men commit quickly with me - so I am careful whom I date. I totally understand the 2-9 month ending though as this is right where i am - I end it - and it's all about personality traits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 Ok then here's my question: Why don't they commit? As in why don't men commit? Many do. You just haven't yet met one who wants to commit to you. Do they usually have certain personality traits that attract you, that may make them unwilling to commit? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 Do they take care of themselves? According to some of the latest figures, 40% of all women in the US are obese, and the middle-aged group is the worst. Personally, I wouldn’t date an obese man because it points to a very unhealthy lifestyle. I'd like to agree with this statement. All of my girlfriend's women friends are in this age range and have tried everything to find a man and are unsuccessful. They've tried OLD, country line dancing, everything and no luck. One (45 year old woman) dated a guy about a year ago, and it lasted about a month and he ghosted her. She hasn't been able to attract any prospects since then and she has been trying. I have a theory that as men age and their testosterone naturally goes down, they don't have the drive to chase/date any women. Let's face it, dating is work. Men have to plan the date, spend money, etc. and I think they are content getting a pizza and watching Netflix or HULU, by themselves. In my younger days I was willing to jump through quite a few hoops to try to date, now not so much. When my long term girlfriend and I stop dating, I doubt I'll try to meet someone else. Its just not worth all the work involved. Just my two cents... Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 Do they take care of themselves? The (45 year old woman) I referred to (in my example) is small framed, and quite thin. I've met her a few times and she seems normal to me. I would say the rest of my girlfriends' friends are average to chunky. My girlfriend has a "little meat on the bones" which is something I like. That is my personal preference, though. Oh I agree with you "JuneL", if this woman was obese, I could understand her difficulty in dating, but that is not the case. Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 Ok then here's my question: Why don't they commit? As in why don't men commit? Most men will commit. You're just choosing men who don't want to commit to YOU. This is a harsh truth that many women fail to accept. They blame men, but the reality is the men they are choosing see them as sex objects rather than soulmates - men are programmed to be able to do that. Find a guy that sees you as more than a sex object. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 omg this is just like a guy saying nice guys finish last...... They don't? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 They don't? Absolutely not. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 They don't? No. The guys who finish last are generally those who's social skills are a bit off, are doormats or who have "issues" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 No. The guys who finish last are generally those who's social skills are a bit off, are doormats or who have "issues" And added to that self proclaimed nice guys actually aren't nice guys, they tend to be judgmental. They choose to use the phrase 'nice guy' because of the phrase 'nice guys finish last' which means they can lay the blame on women. Give me an ordinary guy who doesn't claim to be a nice guy any day! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 Ok then here's my question: Why don't they commit? As in why don't men commit? For me, it's all about the fact that I know what I want and more importantly, don't want from a relationship. Since my teens, I've been in several serious relationships, many less-than-serious relationships, been married, been divorced, dated, etc..etc.. And, throughout all of it, I have learned a lot about myself. As I've grown older, I have discovered that I enjoy my solitude and I enjoy my life as a single guy. Yes, I would love to share my life with someone but I want that "someone" to compliment my life and vice-versa. That has become difficult to find. And, I'll be blunt; my life as a bachelor means very little drama and I like to keep it that way. I know that relationships take work and compromise but I have absolutely no patience for drama or weird turmoil. I have called it off quickly on several occasions when I was blindsided by some random, irrational confrontation. And, yes, as a slovenly bachelor, I can say with complete confidence that I love that I can wake up in the morning and decide to spend the whole day watching cartoons on Netflix, fish for thirteen straight hours, or go sit a friend's house and play video games. Call me immature, say I have "Peter Pan" Syndrome; I don't care because I like my life. I have no issue giving some of those things up for a woman but I need to make damn-sure they're the right woman for me. And, on the flip side of the coin, they need to make sure I'm the right man for them. I try not to drag my divorce baggage into the equation but I gave up a lot of my life to a woman who swore up and down I was the perfect man for her until she decided I wasn't. I need to be positive I'm not headed down that road again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted July 14, 2018 Share Posted July 14, 2018 (edited) You see these ladies in their 50s and 60s who "can't find a man" Maybe so but perhaps they aren't as inclined to put up with things they did previously and have the wisdom to see red flags early? I'm just saying that a lot of people, men and women, have already done the LTR/marriage and divorce/breakup rodeo at least once, so they just want a peaceful existence and a lot of them are single because they prefer it that way. They have other priorities. They are probably the pickiest people for this reason.Maybe when they bemoan how they can't find someone it may be because they can't find someone who makes their life better than it is alone. In regards to the OPie, there's another more extensive thread going that delves into this more, but most healthy people like people who make their lives better. These other women might be more enjoyable to be around or something else that make them preferable. You have to figure out how you can make enrich someone's life and make them not want to let you go. It's give and take. The good has to outweigh the bad. Negativfity, bitterness, dullness, cynicism are not traits that people typically like, so have to be worked on . If not for the sake of finding a companion, for the betterment of the individual's life in general Edited July 14, 2018 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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