I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

[Els]

 

I used the affair example to demonstrate just because something is considered more normal in a certain culture doesn’t mean you have to twist yourself into accepting that blindly.

 

I agree. Frankly if the cultural claims made on this thread are true (not sure if they are), I'm incredibly glad I'm not with a Dutch guy!

 

But the OP's bf has agreed to more transparency (both ways) in the future, no?

[Romantic_Antics]

I'm sorry, but I don't buy a word of this cultural difference bull****. This situation is being mishandled from an interpersonal relationship standpoint - period. If it isn't then why is it still being discussed and debated 21 pages later?

Edited July 1, 2018 by Romantic_Antics

[No_Go]

All right, got your point.

 

I never claimed to follow cultural norms blindly, but it is something you expect in different parts of the world. I personally can't care less about cultural/religious/social etc norms and stick to my own framework but still that doesn't mean I don't expect one behavior or another when moving around the world from the surrounding people.

 

Ex may try whatever she wants, if the guy is not interested it won't bring her far. Yes you're right I wrote the furthest point this could lead to (if he was cooperating) which is casual sex.

 

What do you think is the biggest concern here (considering cheating is off the table)?

 

You have misunderstood my post completely. For starters, you are one of the few who suggested the ex may want to use it as an excuse to get back together with her bf (which I still think is off).

 

I used the affair example to demonstrate just because something is considered more normal in a certain culture doesn’t mean you have to twist yourself into accepting that blindly.

[No_Go]

I'm incredibly glad I'm not with a Dutch guy!

 

Ha, I think they make awesome partners in many ways: one thing that's for sure is the equality between genders there is far far ahead than any other place I've been at.

 

They're also usually very direct people speaking their mind - it doesn't seem to apply to OP's BF though. I think he's more reserved because he's still figuring himself out after his LTR.

[Els]

All right, got your point.

 

I never claimed to follow cultural norms blindly, but it is something you expect in different parts of the world. I personally can't care less about cultural/religious/social etc norms and stick to my own framework but still that doesn't mean I don't expect one behavior or another when moving around the world from the surrounding people.

 

Ex may try whatever she wants, if the guy is not interested it won't bring her far. Yes you're right I wrote the furthest point this could lead to (if he was cooperating) which is casual sex.

 

What do you think is the biggest concern here (considering cheating is off the table)?

 

 

I don't think the concern is related to "what could happen" at all, but rather just consideration and respect for the person you're in a relationship with. I mean, I could sleep in the same bed as a man and not have sex with him - I still won't do that when I'm in a relationship. Because I respect my partner and his boundaries. It doesn't matter what does or doesn't happen.

[Gaeta]

I don't think the concern is related to "what could happen" at all, but rather just consideration and respect for the person you're in a relationship with.

 

 

Your definition of *respect* isn't the same everywhere around the world. In my world looking in someone's eyes means respect, my bf is from the carribean and looking directly in someone's eyes is disrespect!! It's deep ingrained into him I won't change that. The same with Dutch men, you won't change the way they think just because you claim it's disrespectful to you.

[heavenonearth]

I don't think trying to spare her feelings has anything to do with affair. I'd personally find it cruel and revolting for someone to start bragging how happy they are in their relationship when you know the other person is single NOT by choice.

 

Lots of noice for nothing here... And I am saying it from a position of someone who had FWB situations with every single one of my exes. The whole scenario was different though, I was holding off dating on purpose so I can finish unfinished business with them so to speak, whereas Heaven's BF is in a committed relationship with her.

 

Btw one thing that is concerning is the fact he's rebounding with Heaven, i.e. she's the first gf to him after his 15 year relationship. Maybe that's why he's so defensive about his privacy, he's still figuring himself out. The worst thing she can do is to push him into 'she or I' discussions. This may lead to "I'll drop you both' scenario...

 

Heaven knew what she's getting into from the get go and has been patient respectively. And that's the normal course of action for two people that want to stay together long term, I don't see what's the deal that the guy is taking his time to figure himself out (if he was not, it would be more concerning: he'd be either a refined liar or a sociopath...)

 

 

Pretty sure my boyfriend is not rebounding with me. We are together over a year now. A rebound is when you use someone to get over someone or because you really want to be in a new relationship to fill a void that was left by the past.

He didn’t want to be with anyone when we met. He fell in love with me and that’s why we are together.

[heavenonearth]

I agree. Frankly if the cultural claims made on this thread are true (not sure if they are), I'm incredibly glad I'm not with a Dutch guy!

 

But the OP's bf has agreed to more transparency (both ways) in the future, no?

 

My dutch boyfriend is the best guy i have ever been with and i dated plenty Germans, Americans and other nationalities. Out of all of them, American guys where the most flakey, flimsy, commitmentphobe, dishonest and unaffectionate.

I don’t like to generalize with these things but personally i hate American dating culture and the way men are raised to view women etc.

 

But that’s for a different thread. I just want to defend my boyfriend when people put him down here. It’s not the purpose of the thread.

 

Yes he has agreed to be more transparent and he’s already been more transparent by telling me about the nature of their phone calls.

[heavenonearth]

All right, got your point.

 

I never claimed to follow cultural norms blindly, but it is something you expect in different parts of the world. I personally can't care less about cultural/religious/social etc norms and stick to my own framework but still that doesn't mean I don't expect one behavior or another when moving around the world from the surrounding people.

 

Ex may try whatever she wants, if the guy is not interested it won't bring her far. Yes you're right I wrote the furthest point this could lead to (if he was cooperating) which is casual sex.

 

What do you think is the biggest concern here (considering cheating is off the table)?

 

 

He is not interested in his ex in that way. He loves me and is committed to me.

 

Biggest concern personally for me was, and this i found it throughout the thread, that i feel excluded because i didn’t know what the nature of their calls was. I also didn’t like that she always reaches out to him but i think here is nothing i can change about that. If he wants to be there for her then i can’t demand otherwise. It is not going to go over well.

 

I got a compromise and i accept it.

 

Interesting how this thread has shown so many diffferent opinions. It has been very eye opening and definitely got me thinking.

[Romantic_Antics]

My dutch boyfriend is the best guy i have ever been with and i dated plenty Germans, Americans and other nationalities. Out of all of them, American guys where the most flakey, flimsy, commitmentphobe, dishonest and unaffectionate.

I don’t like to generalize with these things but personally i hate American dating culture and the way men are raised to view women etc.

 

But that’s for a different thread. I just want to defend my boyfriend when people put him down here. It’s not the purpose of the thread.

 

Yes he has agreed to be more transparent and he’s already been more transparent by telling me about the nature of their phone calls.

 

Your generalizations and stereotypes of American men and American dating culture are misguided, false, and frankly disgusting. I think I've seen enough of this xenophobic trainwreck of a thread.

[JuneL]

No i don’t have any doubt of his faithfulness.

 

Well i think right now i feel ok. I am not sure if it will worry me again in the future. I hope not.

 

So the last two times you saw your bf was over 3 weeks ago?

[heavenonearth]

Your generalizations and stereotypes of American men and American dating culture are misguided, false, and frankly disgusting. I think I've seen enough of this xenophobic trainwreck of a thread.

 

Are you for real?

I am speaking from experience.

Are you telling me my experiences are invalid?

 

Wow...

[heavenonearth]

So the last two times you saw your bf was over 3 weeks ago?

 

No, I saw him this weekend, he went back home tonight.

[JuneL]

No, I saw him this weekend, he went back home tonight.

 

You just said the last two times you were with your bf (and that’s what prompted you to make the thread), the ex kept texting him. You also stated that your bf hasn’t talked to the ex for 3 weeks. So you guys went without seeing each other for those 3 weeks??

 

I think I’d better stop here. Very best wishes!

[heavenonearth]

You just said the last two times you were with your bf (and that’s what prompted you to make the thread), the ex kept texting him. You also stated that your bf hasn’t talked to the ex for 3 weeks. So you guys went without seeing each other for those 3 weeks??

 

I think I’d better stop here. Very best wishes!

 

I don't know what you are trying to accomplish by nitpicking what I said, how is this even relevant anymore?

 

And no, I see him on every weekend.

 

I am sure the answer to your question is somewhere in this thread.

[JuneL]

Gaeta also had the same question earlier. If you saw him last weekend and the weekend before the last, and those times were when the ex kept texting, then it can’t be the case that your bf hasn’t talked to her for 3 weeks, unless I was right in saying texting was not the same as talking in his mind, or he just completely ignored her many texts?

 

Anyway, I know I’m probably a little annoying and I should leave this thread as well. Again, you have my very best wishes ;-)

[Happy Lemming]

(1) In the end, are you "Heaven" satisfied with the resolution of this matter??

 

(2) Are you content with how your boyfriend is going to handle his future communications with his ex-girlfriend??

 

(3) Are you content with the frequency and type of communication they have??

 

(4) Are you content with this communication continuing indefinitely??

[heavenonearth]

Gaeta also had the same question earlier. If you saw him last weekend and the weekend before the last, and those times were when the ex kept texting, then it can’t be the case that your bf hasn’t talked to her for 3 weeks, unless I was right in saying texting was not the same as talking in his mind, or he just completely ignored her many texts?

 

Anyway, I know I’m probably a little annoying and I should leave this thread as well. Again, you have my very best wishes ;-)

 

I know she texted him again two weeks ago, but maybe he just didnt reply.

He said he has not texted her in three weeks.

Three weeks ago i saw she texted him. Before that he was on vacation for two weeks, but the weekend before that i was with him and she texted him as well.

[GoreSP]

OP. You can’t generalize only with your experience. The only common denominator of those experiences is you.

 

People have given you their opinions, which hou’ve asked for, and all you do is argue with the advice you don’t like. I get it. I did the same.

 

People have answered your question: just have the thread closed already. This is clearly going no where at this point.

[heavenonearth]

(1) In the end, are you "Heaven" satisfied with the resolution of this matter??

 

(2) Are you content with how your boyfriend is going to handle his future communications with his ex-girlfriend??

 

(3) Are you content with the frequency and type of communication they have??

 

(4) Are you content with this communication continuing indefinitely??

 

 

I think only time will tell with regards to how he will handle future contact with her. I hope it will be different to an extent, because I am so annoyed with her name popping up on his phone when we are together. I don't like to be reminded of her all the time. I just want him and I to be together when we are together, and for her to not interfere by announcing herself via text.

 

I don't mind the 'type' of communication they have, I feel bad for her too and sort of understand he wants to be there for her. I would hate it if he was seeing her a lot and comforting her in that way, but he has not seen her in over half a year, so I don't worry about that aspect being a problem for me.

 

I hope that their communication will fizzle out eventually. Since it seems now that it is limited to only her talking about how she is doing, and not any sort of 'quality' time, I can live with it, yes. He has mentioned that he hopes to one day just be friends with her, but that doesn't mean he will hang out with her and do fun things, but that they are able to be in the same room at mutual friends' gatherings or something like that, and that it will not be awkward or uncomfortable. Although I do not look forward to that, I think it is part of life.

 

Overall, I feel better about the situation, but no, I am not happy with the fact she contacts him for comfort, I wish she wouldn't but this is the one thing I can't do anything about if he chooses to be there for her to an extent.

[heavenonearth]

OP. You can’t generalize only with your experience. The only common denominator of those experiences is you.

 

People have given you their opinions, which hou’ve asked for, and all you do is argue with the advice you don’t like. I get it. I did the same.

 

People have answered your question: just have the thread closed already. This is clearly going no where at this point.

 

I can have opinions based on my experiences. Of course I can.

And there are clear differences in US american dating culture vs dating culture in Western European countries, that cannot be denied.

equality between men and women is also something that is very different compared between US and Western European countries.

These are not generalizations, these are just facts.

 

How do I close a thread? I did not know it was possible. People keep replying.

I do not think I would call it 'advice you don't like' when someone attacks my character.

I also think that I was being quite open to people's advice and suggestions; I have merely tried to clarify things and defend my boyfriend and my relationship when people went overboard with their interpretations.

[William]

Good afternoon,

 

Though another moderator handled reports on this thread and reminded a few members of our guidelines, I did a quick scan and noted the thread is very long, even if not that old, and has grown contentious in the latest posts, some of which were deleted or edited by moderation.

 

I note the thread starter asks how a thread is closed and the easiest way to do that, for future use, is to hit the 'alert us' link in the starting post and ask moderation to close it. We rarely deny a thread starter's request. So, with housekeeping out of the way, thank you for your responses and insight here and we'll close this up.