JuneL Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Perhaps his paternalism is exactly why he’s been enjoying helping his ex so much, as she needs him. I too feel like we are starting to understand why this man is in his late thirties, never married with no children. ^^^This is unfairly judgmental. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 ^^^This is unfairly judgmental. Perhaps, please accept my apology if that is the case. My point more simply was just that perhaps you are learning some things about this man that have affected his prior relationships.... related to consideration, communication, and conflict resolution. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 I agree with you Gaeta. The age difference and the role of anxiety (need for reassurance) lend this man to assume a paternalistic role in the relationship. It's not good Heaven that you feel you don't have a voice in this relationship. It's not good that he is attempting to minimize and dismiss your feelings and your concerns. I too feel like we are starting to understand why this man is in his late thirties, never married with no children. We are getting a glimpse that respect, compromise, communication, and conflict resolution may be significant issues for this guy... as evidenced in this disagreement and with the lack of consideration he has shown for your feelings related to his ex-girlfriend. Im sure that he has his redeeming qualities too, but these are all things to discuss with your counsellor. Not the least of which, how to find your own voice in this relationship. Perhaps his paternalism is exactly why he’s been enjoying helping his ex so much, as she needs him. I too feel like we are starting to understand why this man is in his late thirties, never married with no children. ^^^This is unfairly judgmental. Yeah, what an absolutely horrible thing to say. I'm older than him, never married, no kids, and I'm on her side thinking this guy's acting like a total azz. I can't stand generalizations such as yours. It's what's wrong with society. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Yeah, what an absolutely horrible thing to say. I'm older than him, never married, no kids, and I'm on her side thinking this guy's acting like a total azz. I can't stand generalizations such as yours. It's what's wrong with society. Ok. Enough. I misspoke. My intention was not to offend. I apologized. Let's move on please... Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Ugh, I've been in so many similar situations in the past. I too was making requests like that and it didn't sit with any of my exes. I tried to make them understand that it is my anxiety speaking, not me. I even went to therapy during my first serious relationship and was always using my mental illness as a crutch in every situation where I felt insecure. After spending almost 2 years on my own, I think I wasn't wasn't all that mentally ill (even though I had the GAD diagnosis years ago and yes, I'm more anxious than some other people, but then again - we all experience high levels of anxiety sometimes). It was them, the men, they weren't right for me. Those relationships caused me anxiety and now that I'm alone I can't remember when was the last time I cried or felt not good enough. Maybe this relationship isn't what you need, OP? You say he's the love of your life and imo you're putting way too much pressure on it. There can be many loves in a lifetime. You're so afraid of losing him. That's not a good place to be. Of course you'll be having panick attacks, cause you're driving yourself crazy with how much you think he means in your life. Men are just an addition to what we build for ourselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted June 30, 2018 Author Share Posted June 30, 2018 Ugh, I've been in so many similar situations in the past. I too was making requests like that and it didn't sit with any of my exes. I tried to make them understand that it is my anxiety speaking, not me. I even went to therapy during my first serious relationship and was always using my mental illness as a crutch in every situation where I felt insecure. After spending almost 2 years on my own, I think I wasn't wasn't all that mentally ill (even though I had the GAD diagnosis years ago and yes, I'm more anxious than some other people, but then again - we all experience high levels of anxiety sometimes). It was them, the men, they weren't right for me. Those relationships caused me anxiety and now that I'm alone I can't remember when was the last time I cried or felt not good enough. Maybe this relationship isn't what you need, OP? You say he's the love of your life and imo you're putting way too much pressure on it. There can be many loves in a lifetime. You're so afraid of losing him. That's not a good place to be. Of course you'll be having panick attacks, cause you're driving yourself crazy with how much you think he means in your life. Men are just an addition to what we build for ourselves. I have had my fair share of relationships and different kind of men in my life, i am not new to the concept of relationships and i know how i generally am in relationships. This is the first relationship in my life where i truly feel loved. My anxiety is something that has crippled me since i was a child. My abandonment anxiety stems from an event in my childhood where my mother left my father and me for another man. My abandonment anxiety also has transferred to any relationship in my life, be it men, friendships or family relations. Even when i was single, i always felt disconnect or distortion in my relationships with other people. Just some clarification. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted June 30, 2018 Author Share Posted June 30, 2018 Ugh he’s quite passive aggressive isn’t he? Did his last relationship end because of trust/control issues? Maybe that’s why he acts that way but it’s still annoying and not justified. You’re worked up too, so better indeed leave this topic for a later time. With my ex once we spiraled into clarifying how to solve conflicts and getting into more conflicts around it everything went downhill. So I’m never getting into this pattern again and fingers crossed it works wonders - zero conflicts up to date with my BF, granted it’s only 6-7 months but for someone conflict-prone like me it’s amazing. But it’s maybe also a matter of compatibility because in my current relationship we have very similar values/ideas and with my ex we just were misaligned on so many topics it was easy to go into the cycle argument/discuss the argument and start a new one... Bottom line: back off a bit. IMO at the moment no action is the best action. . I don't like this one bit. I wonder if he would have this demeanor with a woman his own age. In this update and your previous one I find he has a paternal attitude toward you when you have issues. I wonder why he was asking you how you felt if he was not interested in hearing the truth. He asked simply because he wanted to hear you say you're ok and move on to something else. You're getting to know the real him. Multiply this by 10 and that's probably what his ex had to deal with. There is always a back side to a story. You are getting to know him for real now. You're dated a year and only starting to scratch the surface of who he is and how he handles conflicts. and about how you feel? he just wants you to dismiss how you feel and go back to being sweet. . There definitely were control issues in his last relationship. But as far as i know, bis ex was a pathological perfectionist who constantly tried to control every situation. I think it was very debilitating. I also think especially because he is a very giving and caring person, he has taken responsibility for other people a lot in his life. He’s also a very very giving friend to all his friends. He’s also the oldest of three kids. I think a lot of that may explain why easily slips into a paternal role. I like to think he prefers to not be in this role. I think he is working on that but finds it hard to admit I do not think he simply wanted me to say yes and amen to his ‘monologue’. He said he wanted me to say how i feel because at first i only said “i hear what you’re saying”, i was trying to assuage his feelings (maybe not the best way but a way of me to avoid further conflict - this is something i need to unlearn because it is a product of my abusive relationship i was in 10 years ago!) So i told him i am afraid to say what i really feel because i am scared he will get mad at me - and he said that that’s not good, i shouldn’t be afraid and he won’t get mad. But anyway, he handled this conflict terrible overall, yes. He was passive aggressive and nitpicky, yes. I am not sure if 10x this was what his ex “had to deal with”, i am not sure if the way he described her match a person who was exposed to the kind of behavior he yesterday showcased. I’d like to think this is not true, and will see how things proceed. I hope that future conflict will be handled better by him. I definitely will try to adjust my attitude. I will not try to assuage his feelings anymore. I am not a child. I am a woman with an opinion. He said on the phone he’s in this 100% and he will do what it takes to keep us together. I do think he is invested in resolving this issue and i do think we will resolve this when he comes over today. We are better at talking things through in person. So i am just hopeful. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 I don't have a lot of time this morning and I have so many questions so I'll simply ask: does the ex know of you at this time? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 . There definitely were control issues in his last relationship. But as far as i know, bis ex was a pathological perfectionist who constantly tried to control every situation. I think it was very debilitating. It’s amazing you managed to turn everything around to his ex. No wonder he’s not keen on your meeting her. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 I don't have a lot of time this morning and I have so many questions so I'll simply ask: does the ex know of you at this time? She mentioned a few times that her bf told the ex about her last Nov, but didn’t give the name to the ex then. Link to post Share on other sites
Adiron Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 (edited) Yeah, what an absolutely horrible thing to say. I'm older than him, never married, no kids, and I'm on her side thinking this guy's acting like a total azz. I can't stand generalizations such as yours. It's what's wrong with society. You're being ridiculous. There can be a bunch of not so good reasons why a guy is mid 30s, not married, and no kids, such as being a sociopath or simply that he's just so self centered and inconsiderate that no one would want to marry him. Or he's just plain weird. There are a couple of active threads on this forum right now by guys in their mid 30s who will clearly never get married or have kids because they can't even get dates. There's also guys such as yourself who choose not to get married and have kids, apparently for good reasons. Even though I WAS married and DID have kids by the time I was 30 if I had the opportunity to do it again I would not be married with kids at 30. In fact I wouldn't be married with kids at any age. To say "it's horrible to generalize like that" is just plain wrong because there often are red flags when a persons behavior and major live decisons tend to fall outside of societal norms. Learn not to take things so personally and internalize things that have nothing to do with you. Maybe that's a red flag in of itself. If a guy robs a bank and likes to eat tomatos, and you like tomatoes it doesn't make you a bank robber. Even if you're both in your mid thirties. Edited June 30, 2018 by Adiron Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 (edited) But the same judgment can be made of those who got divorced or who had kids while not married. So pretty much everyone above mid 30s is broken (even those who are in a serious relationship), except possibly for the ones who are currently in their first marriage and who only have kids with their current spouse after marriage and who accomplished both before their mid-30s. You're being ridiculous. There can be a bunch of not so good reasons why a guy is mid 30s, not married, and no kids, such as being a sociopath or simply that he's just so self centered and inconsiderate that no one would want to marry him. Or he's just plain weird. There are a couple of active threads on this forum right now by guys in their mid 30s who will clearly never get married or have kids because they can't even get dates. There's also guys such as yourself who choose not to get married and have kids, apparently for good reasons. Even though I WAS married and DID have kids by the time I was 30 if I had the opportunity to do it again I would not be married with kids at 30. In fact I wouldn't be married with kids at any age. To say "it's horrible to generalize like that" is just plain wrong because there often are red flags when a persons behavior and major live decisons tend to fall outside of societal norms. Learn not to take things so personally and internalize things that have nothing to do with you. Maybe that's a red flag in of itself. If a guy robs a bank and likes to eat tomatos, and you like tomatoes it doesn't make you a bank robber. Even if you're both in your mid thirties. Edited June 30, 2018 by JuneL Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Ugh, I've been in so many similar situations in the past. I too was making requests like that and it didn't sit with any of my exes. I tried to make them understand that it is my anxiety speaking, not me. I even went to therapy during my first serious relationship and was always using my mental illness as a crutch in every situation where I felt insecure. After spending almost 2 years on my own, I think I wasn't wasn't all that mentally ill (even though I had the GAD diagnosis years ago and yes, I'm more anxious than some other people, but then again - we all experience high levels of anxiety sometimes). It was them, the men, they weren't right for me. Those relationships caused me anxiety and now that I'm alone I can't remember when was the last time I cried or felt not good enough. Maybe this relationship isn't what you need, OP? You say he's the love of your life and imo you're putting way too much pressure on it. There can be many loves in a lifetime. You're so afraid of losing him. That's not a good place to be. Of course you'll be having panick attacks, cause you're driving yourself crazy with how much you think he means in your life. Men are just an addition to what we build for ourselves. Same here. In the last month of my relationship I was pum’ing myself full of anti-anxiety meds and in therapy. After I broke up with him, I had an appointment with my therapist that I figured I would keep to talk about the break up. The morning of the appointment I called her and apologized for the last minute cancellation but that I really didn’t feel the need to talk to her anout the break up or anything else for that matter. I also stopped taking so much anti-anxiety medication (I still have a prescription I take as needed but I just went back to the once or twice a month average from before the relationship). She told me « you know, sometimes, our anxiety is just telling us something is off or wrong. » OP your boyfriend reminds me of my ex. He reacted the same and got to a point where he was hidding his contact and was gaslighting me into thinking I was imagining things. Once I told him his contact with his ex was a big trigger of my anxiety and he accused me of trying to control him. I don’t usually give suggestions that are so « this is your only option » but I think you need to end this relationship and cut him off from your life. Nothing is worth dealing with this much anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 He said on the phone he’s in this 100% and he will do what it takes to keep us together. Except give up his ex-girlfriend... In a nutshell, you are sleeping with him; don't you think that entitles you to exclusivity?? I'd like to remind you that earlier in this thread, you stated that the ex-girlfriend had her time with your boyfriend (15 years) and now it is your turn. I 100% AGREE!! Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 There is a huge power inbalance in the relationship. He is not giving an inch and there is no compromising. He is willing to continue the relationship on his terms and it’s scary how little care he is showing to OP’s distress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 We had our phone call and it was a unpleasant . He went on this huge monologue of how he feels and then i was so intimidated to get a word in. He asked me how i feel and i told him straight up that i feel it doesn’t matter what i say, i can’t do it right. Of course that didn’t sit right with him. Eventually we were able to call a truce but i am not happy with the way he handled this conflict at all. I don’t know him like this. I feel so misunderstood. I need to take a step back from all this. He wants to come over tomorrow and have a nice rest of the weekend. I don’t even know if i want that right now. I biked 50 km today. Felt really good. Got a sunburn too. Anyway, as i said above, i will pull back a bit. Try to be less involved with my relationship and to rely less on him and more on myself. I need to learn how to reassure myself. If it wasn’t for my anxiety, we would never have conflicts. Nevertheless it is something i cannot Control, but we both should be able to control how we deal once conflict arises. It seems there is issues in the way we do that from time to time. I see us both at fault but definitely him a bit more. He gets indeed passive aggressive and very nit picky about every word i say. It’s frustrating to argue with him sometimes. I can’t say anything right. Decided i won’t say anything at all from now on. ( as you can see i moved on from the sadness and feeling guilty stage to the anger and feeling indifferent stage). The thing is, i know we will have an amazing time tomorrow. But this left a sour taste in my mouth indeed. I'm glad you are starting to see that he's as much at fault as you are, if not more so. IMO most of us struggle with getting the balance right - some people blame their partner too much and fail to understand the part they played in things, and some do the opposite. You fall under the latter umbrella, I think. So it's good that you have a more balanced view about things now. You know what I think about your boyfriend, so I'm not going to rehash that. But I do think you need to practice standing up for yourself and your boundaries more, and it's good that you're taking steps in that direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted June 30, 2018 Author Share Posted June 30, 2018 He got here today and we talked it over once again. This time i was prepared with pen and paper and i tried to lead the conversation. It went much better than expected. We are trying to reconnect now and spend some quality time together and it’s going well. I am glad. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 He got here today and we talked it over once again. This time i was prepared with pen and paper and i tried to lead the conversation. It went much better than expected. We are trying to reconnect now and spend some quality time together and it’s going well. I am glad. Glad your oral exam went well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Glad your oral exam went well. My thoughts exactly. Seems like the dynamics are off in this relationship. OP is anxious, afraid and in a seemingly inferior position where she can happen to say things that "don't sit well" with her boyfriend so he storms out. Things will probably calm down now for a while, but I think the OP needs to deal with her fear of losing him and giving him too much power (aka assigning him the title of "love of my life"). It's just not a good place to be in, especially when it comes to a guy she doesn't even live together with yet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted June 30, 2018 Author Share Posted June 30, 2018 My thoughts exactly. Seems like the dynamics are off in this relationship. OP is anxious, afraid and in a seemingly inferior position where she can happen to say things that "don't sit well" with her boyfriend so he storms out. Things will probably calm down now for a while, but I think the OP needs to deal with her fear of losing him and giving him too much power (aka assigning him the title of "love of my life"). It's just not a good place to be in, especially when it comes to a guy she doesn't even live together with yet I don’t think our dynamics are off per se because we usually see eye to eye on stuff. As we have today. I agree with your latter part of me dealing with my fear of abandonment. It’s something i am actively work on tho. But i don’t know what living together has to do with anything Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted June 30, 2018 Author Share Posted June 30, 2018 Glad your oral exam went well. Not sure what that means :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Not sure what that means :/ I think the poster meant that you had to carefully choose your words (even write them down) to not upset your boyfriend again Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 I don’t think our dynamics are off per se because we usually see eye to eye on stuff. As we have today. I agree with your latter part of me dealing with my fear of abandonment. It’s something i am actively work on tho. But i don’t know what living together has to do with anything I just meant that you're not even at some higher level of commitment yet. You're still just dating, and you're already so sure he's the one which makes you even more stressed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adiron Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 This time i was prepared with pen and paper and i tried to lead the conversation. It should not be this difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 1, 2018 Share Posted July 1, 2018 So what did he say he will do to make you more comfortable with the ex situation? Will he reduce contact? Increase transparency? Or did end it up with you agreeing that you overreacted and are overly anxious... Link to post Share on other sites
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