I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

[heavenonearth]

I think the poster meant that you had to carefully choose your words (even write them down) to not upset your boyfriend again

 

No that’s not what was the case. I was the one leading our conversation and i was simply writing down what each of us were saying in order for us to be able to get something out of the discussion and move forward.

 

It’s not that i was carefully writing down what i was saying, i tried to write down what both of us needed to get out of the discussion for future reference.

[heavenonearth]

I just meant that you're not even at some higher level of commitment yet. You're still just dating, and you're already so sure he's the one which makes you even more stressed

 

I like to think we are at a high level of commitment. We aren’t “just dating”. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. We are committed to each other.

[heavenonearth]

It should not be this difficult.

 

What’s difficult about writing down what each person desires to get out of a discussion to resolve a conflict?

It’s something we can now look at in the future if a similar situation should arise.

 

I am sure a counselor would have done something similar.

[heavenonearth]

So what did he say he will do to make you more comfortable with the ex situation?

 

Will he reduce contact? Increase transparency? Or did end it up with you agreeing that you overreacted and are overly anxious...

 

They already have very little contact based on how he reassured me.

They haven’t even talked in 3 weeks by now. He said that he is as transparent as can be, as in he’s not hiding from me anything. He says he is telling me when he sees her, if that should be the case (he hasn’t seen her since November) and when she texts him again he will tell me too.

[heavenonearth]

Except give up his ex-girlfriend...

 

In a nutshell, you are sleeping with him; don't you think that entitles you to exclusivity??

 

I'd like to remind you that earlier in this thread, you stated that the ex-girlfriend had her time with your boyfriend (15 years) and now it is your turn. I 100% AGREE!!

 

I like to think we are exclusive.

[heavenonearth]

I don't have a lot of time this morning and I have so many questions so I'll simply ask: does the ex know of you at this time?

 

She does since November. We became official in October and he told her about me when he saw her in November.

[heavenonearth]

There is a huge power inbalance in the relationship. He is not giving an inch and there is no compromising. He is willing to continue the relationship on his terms and it’s scary how little care he is showing to OP’s distress.

 

I think he gives a lot. And he’s shown he cares a lot about my distress. He just finds it hard to understand my anxiety.

[Gaeta]

She does since November. We became official in October and he told her about me when he saw her in November.

 

Yes l caught that but as l understand it she doesn't know your name or any other details. I was wondering if that had changed and he spoke freely about you now or he is still trying to spare her feelings.

[heavenonearth]

Yes l caught that but as l understand it she doesn't know your name or any other details. I was wondering if that had changed and he spoke freely about you now or he is still trying to spare her feelings.

 

I think he is trying to not make her feel bad because he is happy and she isn’t.

He has also told me yesterday that when they are talking they are talking about her and her problems and he doesn’t really talk about his life much. He says the conversations aren’t nice, but rather sad, due to her bad situation. Usually she is talking about all the problems she has. He also said again how a lot of her friends have stopped being in touch and her support system is small since she moved back home.

[FMW]

It seems that your BF has staked out his position on this. Things will stay as they are and he will continue letting you know when he has contact with her, just not necessarily beforehand if they actually meet up again.

 

Are you ok with it now that you've talked? You seem to have no doubt of his faithfulness to you. His continued contact with her may just be something you have to decide to deal with.

 

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, just that it seems your BF is firm in his position so I'm wondering if your position has changed any. Whether this is a big enough problem for you to continue to push when it seems like a fruitless effort. I'm curious because we all have those "pick your battles" moments and it's interesting to see how other people handle them.

[Gaeta]

They already have very little contact based on how he reassured me.

They haven’t even talked in 3 weeks by now.

 

 

So if they didn't have contact in the past 3 weeks what prompt you to start this thread? Is it possible you imagine this to be much more than what it really is?

[JuneL]

So if they didn't have contact in the past 3 weeks what prompt you to start this thread? Is it possible you imagine this to be much more than what it really is?

 

Let me guess: They didn’t talk, but they texted!

[heavenonearth]

It seems that your BF has staked out his position on this. Things will stay as they are and he will continue letting you know when he has contact with her, just not necessarily beforehand if they actually meet up again.

 

Are you ok with it now that you've talked? You seem to have no doubt of his faithfulness to you. His continued contact with her may just be something you have to decide to deal with.

 

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, just that it seems your BF is firm in his position so I'm wondering if your position has changed any. Whether this is a big enough problem for you to continue to push when it seems like a fruitless effort. I'm curious because we all have those "pick your battles" moments and it's interesting to see how other people handle them.

 

 

No i don’t have any doubt of his faithfulness.

 

Well i think right now i feel ok. I am not sure if it will worry me again in the future. I hope not.

[heavenonearth]

So if they didn't have contact in the past 3 weeks what prompt you to start this thread? Is it possible you imagine this to be much more than what it really is?

 

Because the last two times he was with me she was texting him a lot and it’s been on my mind for quite some time before i started this thread.

 

I don’t know what i imagine.

[heavenonearth]

Let me guess: They didn’t talk, but they texted!

 

I don’t know what this means.

[Highndry]

No i don’t have any doubt of his faithfulness.

 

Well i think right now i feel ok. I am not sure if it will worry me again in the future. I hope not.

 

 

I think you're in denial. You asked him to tell you before he sees her again and he said "no." So, he's essentially hiding from you the fact of when he's going to see her, something that is not ok in any relationship. This guy is not budging one bit. He's drawn the line in the sand which is "I'm going to continue to see my ex in person, and I'm not telling you ahead of time." That's a major problem. If a woman told me that, I'd dump her.

[Gaeta]

I think you're in denial. You asked him to tell you before he sees her again and he said "no." So, he's essentially hiding from you the fact of when he's going to see her, something that is not ok in any relationship. This guy is not budging one bit. He's drawn the line in the sand which is "I'm going to continue to see my ex in person, and I'm not telling you ahead of time." That's a major problem. If a woman told me that, I'd dump her.

 

 

In your word and your culture it's normal for partners to warn each other, or ask for a permission, to speak to an ex. In other cultures it's seen as controling. I would never in a million year be able to convince my bf to tell me ahead of time when he'll speak or see an ex. He'd look at me like I am losing my mind.

[Gaeta]

Because the last two times he was with me she was texting him a lot and it’s been on my mind for quite some time before i started this thread.

 

I don’t know what i imagine.

 

I am lost. Do you consider texting the same as 'talking'?

 

If he had not spoken to her in 3 weeks does that include not texting?

 

To me there is no difference between talking and texting. It's all communication.

 

 

.

[heavenonearth]

I think you're in denial. You asked him to tell you before he sees her again and he said "no." So, he's essentially hiding from you the fact of when he's going to see her, something that is not ok in any relationship. This guy is not budging one bit. He's drawn the line in the sand which is "I'm going to continue to see my ex in person, and I'm not telling you ahead of time." That's a major problem. If a woman told me that, I'd dump her.

 

I do not think and never have thought that this is any reason to end the relationship with my boyfriend.

[preraph]

He's just giving her false hope by pretending you don't exist or aren't important enough in his life to talk about with her that you're a couple and say your name and all. That's the best-case scenario, that his judgment is bad, because giving her hope for reuniting or continuing a relationship he has with her now is just leading her on for whatever purpose and keeping her from moving on with her life.

 

Worst-case scenario, he's carrying on with her full-tilt and just trying to act like you don't exist so she doesn't cut him off or spend all the time together being mad at him because he wants both of you. Any detective would tell you the most obvious thing is usually the truth, not the far-fetched thing.

[JuneL]

In your word and your culture it's normal for partners to warn each other, or ask for a permission, to speak to an ex. In other cultures it's seen as controling. I would never in a million year be able to convince my bf to tell me ahead of time when he'll speak or see an ex. He'd look at me like I am losing my mind.

 

Is it normal in their cultures to keep a new relationship secretive to the ex, too, so as to spare the ex's suffering?

 

The last time I heard, some cultures are also much more open-minded about affairs.

[Gaeta]

Is it normal in their cultures to keep a new relationship secretive to the ex, too, so as to spare the ex's suffering?

 

The last time I heard, some cultures are also much more open-minded about affairs.

 

He doesn't keep his relationship with Heaven a secret. The ex knows. He doesn't give her the juicy details because he knows it will only hurt her just like l won't tell our secretary the wonderful weekend get-away we had thiz weekend because she seperated not long ago and it sucks for her to hear any happy couples stories.

[ExpatInItaly]

In your word and your culture it's normal for partners to warn each other, or ask for a permission, to speak to an ex. In other cultures it's seen as controling. I would never in a million year be able to convince my bf to tell me ahead of time when he'll speak or see an ex. He'd look at me like I am losing my mind.

 

But clearly for OP, it is an issue. Whether it's the cultural norm or not, OP had asked him to let her know.

 

We can argue about whether it's culturally appropriate or not, but to OP, it does matter.

[No_Go]

I don't think trying to spare her feelings has anything to do with affair. I'd personally find it cruel and revolting for someone to start bragging how happy they are in their relationship when you know the other person is single NOT by choice.

 

Lots of noice for nothing here... And I am saying it from a position of someone who had FWB situations with every single one of my exes. The whole scenario was different though, I was holding off dating on purpose so I can finish unfinished business with them so to speak, whereas Heaven's BF is in a committed relationship with her.

 

Btw one thing that is concerning is the fact he's rebounding with Heaven, i.e. she's the first gf to him after his 15 year relationship. Maybe that's why he's so defensive about his privacy, he's still figuring himself out. The worst thing she can do is to push him into 'she or I' discussions. This may lead to "I'll drop you both' scenario...

 

Heaven knew what she's getting into from the get go and has been patient respectively. And that's the normal course of action for two people that want to stay together long term, I don't see what's the deal that the guy is taking his time to figure himself out (if he was not, it would be more concerning: he'd be either a refined liar or a sociopath...)

 

Is it normal in their cultures to keep a new relationship secretive to the ex, too, so as to spare the ex's suffering?

 

The last time I heard, some cultures are also much more open-minded about affairs.

[JuneL]

You have misunderstood my post completely. For starters, you are one of the few who suggested the ex may want to use it as an excuse to get back together with her bf (which I still think is off).

 

I used the affair example to demonstrate just because something is considered more normal in a certain culture doesn’t mean you have to twist yourself into accepting that blindly.

 

 

I don't think trying to spare her feelings has anything to do with affair. I'd personally find it cruel and revolting for someone to start bragging how happy they are in their relationship when you know the other person is single NOT by choice.

 

Lots of noice for nothing here... And I am saying it from a position of someone who had FWB situations with every single one of my exes. The whole scenario was different though, I was holding off dating on purpose so I can finish unfinished business with them so to speak, whereas Heaven's BF is in a committed relationship with her.

 

Btw one thing that is concerning is the fact he's rebounding with Heaven, i.e. she's the first gf to him after his 15 year relationship. Maybe that's why he's so defensive about his privacy, he's still figuring himself out. The worst thing she can do is to push him into 'she or I' discussions. This may lead to "I'll drop you both' scenario...

 

Heaven knew what she's getting into from the get go and has been patient respectively. And that's the normal course of action for two people that want to stay together long term, I don't see what's the deal that the guy is taking his time to figure himself out (if he was not, it would be more concerning: he'd be either a refined liar or a sociopath...)