I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

[Casio167]

It’s your boyfriend you should be irritated at, where are his boundaries? Why is he continuing this inappropriate level of contact with her? You need to have a serious discussion with him about this, how would he feel if the roles were reversed and your ex was constantly in contact with you?

Tell him it makes you deeply uncomfortable and you’re hurt that he hasn’t thought enough about how this might make you feel in your relationship. He’s going out with YOU, not her, and he needs to draw proper boundaries here.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I find it problematic dating huge people pleasers because they generally have poor boundaries. Hopefully he is not the type of guy that will tell you that he won't talk to her (to please you) and then talk to her behind your back (to please her). This happened to me in my last relationship. It has nothing to do with them getting back together or cheating even, it just isn't appropriate thing to do in a committed relationship.

[bathtub-row]

Knowing someone for 15 years is a pretty significant amount of time. I’m sure your bf merely sees her as a friend. If I were you, I’d leave it alone. It’ll eventually work itself out.

[heavenonearth]

It’s your boyfriend you should be irritated at, where are his boundaries? Why is he continuing this inappropriate level of contact with her? You need to have a serious discussion with him about this, how would he feel if the roles were reversed and your ex was constantly in contact with you?

Tell him it makes you deeply uncomfortable and you’re hurt that he hasn’t thought enough about how this might make you feel in your relationship. He’s going out with YOU, not her, and he needs to draw proper boundaries here.

 

I did tell him that it makes me uncomfortable. He knows this.

That’s where we’re at.

[heavenonearth]

So, are you going to talk to him about this?

 

I want to bring it up - again.

I am just not sure how because he already knows how uncomfortable it makes me. I thought at first it is only temporary because she was in a bad place. But now she is in an even worse place and seems to reach out to him more.

 

I just don’t know what to do at this point. It’s not like i can say “it’s either her or me”.

[heavenonearth]

Knowing someone for 15 years is a pretty significant amount of time. I’m sure your bf merely sees her as a friend. If I were you, I’d leave it alone. It’ll eventually work itself out.

 

I know. That’s why i sometimes feel bad when i get grumpy at him for each time she sends a text. I feel that 15 years is a long time and you wouldn’t just drop someone out of your life after that.

Given the fact that they haven’t even seen each other in half a year and are only even seeing each other for logistical reasons (exchange of things/signing things) ever since they broke up, i don’t think there is anything to “worry” about. He is acting out of guilt/kindness/friendship from his side and i believe him when he says their conversations are only about how she is doing. But i sort of wish she would just go somewhere else for comfort.

After all, she knows he has a new girlfriend.

And that this is just not appropriate.

Maybe i am too conservative in this regard?

[No_Go]

She is 34.

 

What do you mean “unlikely to work for anything more than casual sex”? Are you suggesting he’d cheat on me with her!? Lol. Let’s not get silly here.

 

Ok, her age presumes he was her first / she lost her virginity to him? She was basically a child when she got together with him, I can see how it’s hard for her to detach... She most likely ran to him today solve her problems her entire adult life.

 

The casual sex I mentioned because that’s the extent to which out-of-pity contact with exes might lead. At least that’s what happened with all my exes but I was single at the time. So here unlikely something to worry about:)

[No_Go]

I want to bring it up - again.

I am just not sure how because he already knows how uncomfortable it makes me. I thought at first it is only temporary because she was in a bad place. But now she is in an even worse place and seems to reach out to him more.

 

I just don’t know what to do at this point. It’s not like i can say “it’s either her or me”.

 

No, better don’t put ultimatums. He may start hiding their contact out of fear of losing you.

 

If I were you I’d suppress jealousy and stay as involved as possible (e.g. giving advice to her via him). Otherwise you’d lose visibility which is worse.

[heavenonearth]

No, better don’t put ultimatums. He may start hiding their contact out of fear of losing you.

 

If I were you I’d suppress jealousy and stay as involved as possible (e.g. giving advice to her via him). Otherwise you’d lose visibility which is worse.

 

Yes and even tho a part of me despises her (for having ****ed him up in some ways by being destructive in the relationship), i also feel bad for her. She seems like a very kind and sensitive person and i am sure i would get along with her if i knew her. But at the same time i wish she’d just go away

 

It’s hard to balance my emotions about his. I just really hope eventually she will be self sufficient again so she stops leaning on him.

[Gaeta]

I am gonna go against the grain here.

 

They spent 15 years together, a part of him will always care. Your part is to respect that. I don't beleive she is trying to get him back or vice versa. I think she is in emotional distress and needs some type of encouragement and when she lost him she lost everyone around. What I would like your boyfriend to do is include you in this pseudo-friendship from now on. Offer your boyfriend that you and him take her out to eat and she can find support in both of you.

 

When my ex-h of 15 years remarried I included his new wife all the time. When my ex would call to pick up our daughter I'd offer he bring her along, I'd always invite them in for coffee and her and I built a trust and she stopped seeing me as a threat. We came to appreciate each other and I helped her find a job, redid her resume, dogsit for them, etc. It brought peace in everyone.

 

 

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[heavenonearth]

Ok, her age presumes he was her first / she lost her virginity to him? She was basically a child when she got together with him, I can see how it’s hard for her to detach... She most likely ran to him today solve her problems her entire adult life.

 

The casual sex I mentioned because that’s the extent to which out-of-pity contact with exes might lead. At least that’s what happened with all my exes but I was single at the time. So here unlikely something to worry about:)

 

I think she was 18 when they got together and he was 23.

 

So yes she spent her whole 20s with him. And she lived with him for 10 years and now lives with her parents again because she can’t afford to live on her own (she doesn’t have a job).

 

I do not worry about cheating. He is not in love with her anymore and they haven’t had sexual relations for i think over a year before he ended it.

That’s not my worry.

 

My worry is that another woman is using my boyfriend for support that he should not be giving to her. She needs to get the support from someone else.

He’s not her go to guy anymore.

Not sure why she can’t learn that.

[stillafool]

I can't remember if you mentioned it but does this woman have family? If so, she needs to lean on them for emotional support not your man. I'm sorry she is sick or whatever but she needs to realize he isn't going to be there for her if he is with you. It's nice that you feel sorry for her; but she needs to lean on her family.

[heavenonearth]

I am gonna go against the grain here.

 

They spent 15 years together, a part of him will always care. Your part is to respect that. I don't beleive she is trying to get him back or vice versa. I think she is in emotional distress and needs some type of encouragement and when she lost him she lost everyone around. What I would like your boyfriend to do is include you in this pseudo-friendship from now on. Offer your boyfriend that you and him take her out to eat and she can find support in both of you.

 

When my ex-h of 15 years remarried I included his new wife all the time. When my ex would call to pick up our daughter I'd offer he bring her along, I'd always invite them in for coffee and her and I built a trust and she stopped seeing me as a threat. We came to appreciate each other and I helped her find a job, redid her resume, dogsit for them, etc. It brought peace in everyone.

 

 

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I think that i totally wouldn’t even mind that. Meeting her, being included, etc.

 

But here’s the thing: he did tell her he has a new girlfriend but he didn’t tell her my name because he didn’t want her to go stalk me online or anything.

He told me this. He also does not hang out with her or see her for any reasons what so ever. He actually does what he can to be out of her way because he wants her to heal on her own. But she’s the one making contact a lot.

I feel that if at some point she’s in a good enough place to be around him again in a normal friendship-like way, then it’s also a good time for me to meet her.

And i think he will encourage that too.

I think he is trying to protect her in a sense because he knows that it hurts her to see him happy with someone new whilst she is struggling alone and living with her parents at 34. I mean he didn’t tell her about me until we were together 6 months. But well i am sure she knows who i am, i am sure she asked other mutual friends about me.

Maybe i should ask him when he will see her again!?

And then ask if i can join?

So far i don’t think he has anything planned.

I was thinking we would maybe eventually run into her at some party or so, when she is better.

But right now it looks not very good, because she’s had an accident and is in bad shape. She may have some permanent brain damage, actually.

It’s really sad. I feel bad.

[Lorenza]

Would it be OK if this was his female (or male) friend?

[PegNosePete]

My worry is that another woman is using my boyfriend for support that he should not be giving to her. She needs to get the support from someone else.

He’s not her go to guy anymore.

Not sure why she can’t learn that.

That's very simple. Because nobody told her that.

 

She's getting her needs met. Why would she change the status quo? It works just fine for her. The only way this situation will change is if your boyfriend tells her that friendship is fine but he can't be her go to guy any more.

[Gaeta]

My worry is that another woman is using my boyfriend for support that he should not be giving to her. She needs to get the support from someone else.

He’s not her go to guy anymore.

Not sure why she can’t learn that.

 

 

Now now you speak like a jealous 15 year old girl.

 

She is not *using* him. She is reaching out to him. Before being his ex she is a human being and so is your boyfriend. You may not understand the dynamic here because you have not spent 15 years with someone.

 

Like you said you cannot order your boyfriend to not speak to her. If you do I assure you he'll see it as you being controling. Your best strategy here is to join him in this this way he will feel your support and understanding and she will see you've taken all the space in his life and all he is willing to give is kindness and nothing else. If her intentions were to introduce herself back in his life she'll give up. As long as you stay behind in the shadow you are not *real* to her.

 

 

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[Lorenza]

I don't think that emotional support should only come from your own family members. Besides, after so many years of being together you basically ARE family to each other.

Your partner can choose who to support and he chose a woman that once meant a lot to him. She's no stranger to him. I'd only worry if there was anything shady going on, but if you're 100% sure nothing can reignite between them, why not lend a little bit of your boyfriend's compassion (which you don't own anyway) to a person in need? It's just some messages. You're his sexy, happy girlfriend he wants to be with, she's just a troubled ex who doesn't know who to turn to.

[Gaeta]

But right now it looks not very good, because she’s had an accident and is in bad shape. She may have some permanent brain damage, actually.

It’s really sad. I feel bad.

 

 

What a shame! poor girl. She is definitely in a very dark place and it's not her fault. I can see why he doesn't want to add to her pain by rejecting her. Imagine yourself in her situation and her distress, you might contact an ex with whom you've spent half your life with for some support.

 

I stand strong in my beleif you have to be included in everything from now on. He could drop by for a visit *with you*. He should definitely start talking to her by using *Heaven and I*.

 

 

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Edited June 25, 2018 by Gaeta

[JuneL]

Why did those mutual friends have to pick sides? They also don’t sound like great friends if they didn’t pick her due to her medical condition. If her condition has prevented her from working, then I assume it’s pretty serious. How much longer is the recovery?

 

How often are you talking about here? Every day or every week? Perhaps you guys can help her find some support group (even just online) for her condition? I think your bf and his ex are like family. Would you feel upset if his sister was doing the same thing?

[ExpatInItaly]

He actually does what he can to be out of her way because he wants her to heal on her own. But she’s the one making contact a lot.

 

Yes, and he continues responding. One can still have compassion while setting some healthy boundaries. If he was concerned about her "stalking" you online, he's knows she could be problematic for the relationship, and is probably not over him. That is very telling.

 

At some point, she will need to ease off her dependence on him. It's not the healthiest choice for him or her to be her support system indefinitely. That's not to say he needs to cut her off completely, but he needs to make your position in his life clear to her. The next time they need to meet, ask to join. Meet her for yourself. My guess is that once you are "real" to her and she sees you together, she won't be in touch with him as much.

[heavenonearth]

What a shame! poor girl. She is definitely in a very dark place and it's not her fault. I can see why he doesn't want to add to her pain by rejecting her. Imagine yourself in her situation and her distress, you might contact an ex with whom you've spent half your life with for some support.

 

I stand strong in my beleif you have to be included in everything from now on. He could drop by for a visit *with you*. He should definitely start talking to her by using *Heaven and I*.

 

 

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I would like to be included, yes.

How do I go about easing into a conversation with him where I express that this is what I would like to do?

I do not want to be just 'the mysterious new girlfriend', i would like to be known by my name by her and be taken seriously.

I do think if she knew how serious we are, she'd scale back the contact.

She seems like a decent person.

[heavenonearth]

Would it be OK if this was his female (or male) friend?

 

I don't think that emotional support should only come from your own family members. Besides, after so many years of being together you basically ARE family to each other.

Your partner can choose who to support and he chose a woman that once meant a lot to him. She's no stranger to him. I'd only worry if there was anything shady going on, but if you're 100% sure nothing can reignite between them, why not lend a little bit of your boyfriend's compassion (which you don't own anyway) to a person in need? It's just some messages. You're his sexy, happy girlfriend he wants to be with, she's just a troubled ex who doesn't know who to turn to.

 

 

Well, if she was family, wouldn't he be seeing her more often, and hang out with her? They decided to not spend time together and to not have contact unless it's necessary, but the texting/calling she lately initiates seems to indicate she wants to retract from that agreement.

I do not mind he's there for her, I just feel it's becoming a bit too much.

The fact she's constantly reaching out, especially when we just want a cozy time just the two of us (which we don't have much to begin with because I live 50km away from him and we only see each other once per week).

[heavenonearth]

Why did those mutual friends have to pick sides? They also don’t sound like great friends if they didn’t pick her due to her medical condition. If her condition has prevented her from working, then I assume it’s pretty serious. How much longer is the recovery?

 

How often are you talking about here? Every day or every week? Perhaps you guys can help her find some support group (even just online) for her condition? I think your bf and his ex are like family. Would you feel upset if his sister was doing the same thing?

 

I really don't know why they pulled away from her afterwards.

But it could also have to do with the physical distance, because she moved back to her parents, which is about an hour and a half drive/by train.

maybe she was embarassed about her situation and also isolated herself a bit? who knows, i don't know everything about her situation, only what my boyfriend tells me. All he says most of the time is that she's in a bad place and that she doesn't have many people to confide in at the moment.

I am not sure how long the recovery is. She has depression and ocd, and recently had an accident and may have permanent brain damage. she cannot work to support herself right now.

 

Anyway, obivously I CARE, I feel very bad for her and wouldn't want him to stop talking to her. But I feel there need to be SOME boundaries, because I see her contacting him more and more. I also think, as Gaeta said, part of me has the desire to be included in the process, as I am now his life partner. I don't want to be left out.

 

I don't know ....

[JuneL]

Well, if she was family, wouldn't he be seeing her more often, and hang out with her? They decided to not spend time together and to not have contact unless it's necessary, but the texting/calling she lately initiates seems to indicate she wants to retract from that agreement.

I do not mind he's there for her, I just feel it's becoming a bit too much.

The fact she's constantly reaching out, especially when we just want a cozy time just the two of us (which we don't have much to begin with because I live 50km away from him and we only see each other once per week).

 

I assume your bf didn’t reply right away when you’re around? Unless it’s something urgent (which she has her parents to turn to), there’s no need to get back to her promptly...

[heavenonearth]

I assume your bf didn’t reply right away when you’re around? Unless it’s something urgent (which she has her parents to turn to), there’s no need to get back to her promptly...

 

No, he doesn't text/call her back when we are together.