Zapbasket Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 How do you all get out of doing something that doesn't suit you? Having always been both a people pleaser AND an independent and private person, historically I've gotten out of social obligations I don't want by making up an excuse--another obligation, or the old "not feeling well" excuse. Or (and worse) I don't get out of the obligation because I feel obliged to acquiesce, even though I might not be remotely interested or I have more important priorities. In both cases I end up feeling disgusted with myself, for having to make up lies or not being true to myself. I'm curious what tactics others use. Do you ever just say, "No thank you; I am not interested," even at the risk of hurting someone? (I'm not talking about dating, just those routine social obligations to what usually are the more peripheral people in your life, and equally often are friends or family.) Someone with whom I was in a recent school program contacted me about getting together one day next week while she's in my town visiting. She's nice enough but I don't know her well and my sense is that she's a bit...simple; I just don't feel like we can make a strong connection. In the past I'd just have sucked up and met up with her. Now I'm really trying to defend against situations where I know the interaction will "work" ONLY because I'll be the one doing all the work building a bridge in the conversation. It's exhausting and makes me feel more lonely than if I'd just not met up with the person at all. But I hate that I feel like I have to lie to get out of meeting with her. I have this whole story ready about a long work day and a BBQ right after work and so I can't meet up. Surely there's a more...enlightened way to turn her down? What would you do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 Good manners dictate that one does not have to give a reason when they say "no", however I do find this easier said than done. I think that you don't need to give her a whole spiel. A response of "sorry, I'm super busy next week and just don't think I can make it" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted June 25, 2018 Author Share Posted June 25, 2018 Good manners dictate that one does not have to give a reason when they say "no", however I do find this easier said than done. I agree. I have a friend who does this; she'll just reply, "Can't do it" and while I'd never ask, "Why not?" I do feel it's a bit brusque. I think that you don't need to give her a whole spiel. A response of "sorry, I'm super busy next week and just don't think I can make it" So the old, "so busy" excuse is the best way to go? I've used that one a lot, too. I just wonder if there's ever time when something more direct / honest might be appropriate. I'm working on being a little less nice...a little less accessible...but I don't want to be unkind. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 I have the exact same problem. Usually people that want to catch up with me or do something are people that I feel zero connection to. They are perfectly nice people, haven't done anything wrong but are just "too simple" as you put it. I don't have many friends and I am somewhat lonely but spending time with people like that makes me feel much lonelier. Exhaustive, superficial but pleasant conversation tends to suck out all my energy. But I just can't say no without making up an excuse I did something even worse this weekend. One of those semi-friends invited me to an event that I have zero interest in. I said "OK" because she asked me in person and I wasn't able to come up with an excuse fast enough. It's one of those events that you have to buy tickets for. She kept sending me reminders that tickets will sell out by the x date that I just ignored/didn't respond to. Then one day she came up to me and said that the tickets are sold out now and I won't be able to go. I said "Oh, I guess I missed out". I just want to be able to be honest without people thinking I am a bi$tch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted June 25, 2018 Author Share Posted June 25, 2018 I have the exact same problem. Usually people that want to catch up with me or do something are people that I feel zero connection to. They are perfectly nice people, haven't done anything wrong but are just "too simple" as you put it. I don't have many friends and I am somewhat lonely but spending time with people like that makes me feel much lonelier. Exhaustive, superficial but pleasant conversation tends to suck out all my energy. But I just can't say no without making up an excuse ... I just want to be able to be honest without people thinking I am a bi$tch. I hear you, particularly what you say that I bolded. I just feel like there's got to be a more assertive (if that's the right word) way to turn down invitations without unnecessarily hurting the other person. I feel like such a baby that I can't just flat-out say, "No, but thank you for the invitation." I totally have been in the situation you describe, where I end up saying yes only because I can't think up an excuse fast enough. And I feel so lame when that happens, like, why do I have to make it my problem that the other person will feel disappointed that I say no? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 If you don't want to go, say that you don't want to go. If someone cancels on you all the time, quit being their friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted June 25, 2018 Author Share Posted June 25, 2018 If you don't want to go, say that you don't want to go. If someone cancels on you all the time, quit being their friend. Thanks; that was a very interesting video (and interesting channel--I'll have to check out more of his videos when I have time). What you say.... I wish I could do that but it doesn't seem that simple. Sometimes people cancel a lot because their life really is chaotic temporarily and yes, sometimes they cancel because you're such a low priority their plans with you will always be expendable whenever they're in a crunch. I agree that at that point you just have to move on. But you don't always know the real reasons, and if someone just isn't all that into you, they're not going to come out and say so. Just as in the case with this woman who wanted to see me while she was in town: if I said, "No thank you, I don't want to," that isn't me saying no to a particular activity, but no to spending any time with her. That would be awfully insulting and unless someone was being nasty in some way I would never want to hurt anyone. I'm definitely one of those highly agreeable AND highly conscientious people the speaker in the video is talking about, and a lot of my threads on here in recent years have been me trying to seek a better balance. Can I be kind while also becoming less agreeable? Would it be awful if I dispensed with being so kind? These are the questions I ask myself, and sometimes you folks on here, as well. I know I want to be more assertive about my priorities, rather than hiding the fact that X and Y are important to me, whereas A and B are not so much. That way I'll more quickly find my way to people who are really compatible with my values and interests, I figure. But I also like to give people a chance, particularly since I do have a preference for quirky people. Though sometimes that preference gets me into trouble, where they might be quirky and interesting, but screwed up in some way, or just wildly incompatible with my core values. I like hearing from others of you who struggle with this, and how you handle it. I'm trying to make good changes and seeking to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 I like hearing from others of you who struggle with this, and how you handle it. I'm trying to make good changes and seeking to learn. I tell an abbreviated and simple version of the truth - "sorry, I'm busy" - followed by an enigmatic smile. Any more questions are met just with a slight nod and the same expression. The trick is, you have to firmly believe (as I do) that you owe no further response in order to pull this off. It's when you get into explanations that you start getting in trouble... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted June 25, 2018 Author Share Posted June 25, 2018 I tell an abbreviated and simple version of the truth - "sorry, I'm busy" - followed by an enigmatic smile. Any more questions are met just with a slight nod and the same expression. The trick is, you have to firmly believe (as I do) that you owe no further response in order to pull this off. It's when you get into explanations that you start getting in trouble... Mr. Lucky Excellent!--but why the enigmatic smile, as though you're daring their curiosity to cause them to probe further, even though you know you won't give them any more information? It's like you're being...a tease, of sorts. Do you give this response to friends and family as well as acquaintances? Also, how do people usually respond to this tactic? Do you continue to get invites from them? Do people ever get offended or annoyed with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 The smile is simply a neutral expression. I don't want to look embarrassed or sheepish ("I'm avoiding you") or smug or superior ("too good to hang out with you"). I use the same tactic with everyone with the realization I'm only in charge of my own response, they're responsible for theirs. In my experience, people get most offended when a clumsy, stammering response indicates you're making something up... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 Thanks; that was a very interesting video (and interesting channel--I'll have to check out more of his videos when I have time). What you say.... I wish I could do that but it doesn't seem that simple. Sometimes people cancel a lot because their life really is chaotic temporarily and yes, sometimes they cancel because you're such a low priority their plans with you will always be expendable whenever they're in a crunch. I agree that at that point you just have to move on. But you don't always know the real reasons, and if someone just isn't all that into you, they're not going to come out and say so. Just as in the case with this woman who wanted to see me while she was in town: if I said, "No thank you, I don't want to," that isn't me saying no to a particular activity, but no to spending any time with her. That would be awfully insulting and unless someone was being nasty in some way I would never want to hurt anyone. I'm definitely one of those highly agreeable AND highly conscientious people the speaker in the video is talking about, and a lot of my threads on here in recent years have been me trying to seek a better balance. Can I be kind while also becoming less agreeable? Would it be awful if I dispensed with being so kind? These are the questions I ask myself, and sometimes you folks on here, as well. I know I want to be more assertive about my priorities, rather than hiding the fact that X and Y are important to me, whereas A and B are not so much. That way I'll more quickly find my way to people who are really compatible with my values and interests, I figure. But I also like to give people a chance, particularly since I do have a preference for quirky people. Though sometimes that preference gets me into trouble, where they might be quirky and interesting, but screwed up in some way, or just wildly incompatible with my core values. I like hearing from others of you who struggle with this, and how you handle it. I'm trying to make good changes and seeking to learn. Ok, so instead of saying that you don't want to hang out with them, tell them you'd love to hang out with them but you're super busy. If you're not busy and you really just don't want to hang out, just say, "Hey I'd love to hangout but just not tonight." It's simple, it's quick, it's the truth, and it doesn't jeopardize the relationship to begin with. If they don't like you for who you are, you don't need them anyway. Everyone has enough fake friends. I think you're simply worrying about how they feel. Well, that's nice and all, but it's not about them. It's about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted June 28, 2018 Author Share Posted June 28, 2018 Thanks, Mr. Lucky and Dr.ReplyInRhymes, for your replies. It really just keeps coming back to putting me first, and what is good for me. And it's amazing to see how deeply entrenched the dictate to "be accommodating" is in me. It's laughable, really. I mean, I don't owe that to anyone, but I owe myself a lot. Also, this Jordan Peterson in the YouTube video you sent, DrReplyInRhymes--he is brilliant! I've watched several of his videos over the past views and I am just blown away. I've even ordered one of his books. Thank you so much for bringing him to my attention! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted July 1, 2018 Share Posted July 1, 2018 (edited) Jordan Peterson also supports "enforced monogamy" and says feminists have "an unconscious wish for brutal male domination". He's not exactly a good resource for social etiquette. I have never had a problem with saying "Let me check my calendar and get back to you" as a means to buy time. If I want to decline, I can say "Ah, I have plans" or "I'm not feeling well, can we reschedule?" No one has ever asked me to elaborate on why I'm busy or sick and I don't think you'll have a problem with it either. Everyone understands that sometimes you just don't feel like being social. The key is to always be gracious and thoughtful of the person extending the invitation. If you legitimately have no desire to ever see that person, you can use multiple excuses; even the most stubborn person tends to get the picture after four or five "no"s. If it's a friend, always offer another time in a scenario where you feel more comfortable. In this case it sounds like you're.almost more exhausted about avoiding someone for one day than just actually seeing her. If inventing an excuse is that stressful, you might as well meet or tea with the stipulation that you can't stick around for long because of XYZ appointment. That way you have an interaction with a time limit. Edited July 1, 2018 by lana-banana Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted July 1, 2018 Share Posted July 1, 2018 Usually if it's a few days ahead and it's with someone I don't know all that well, I'll say that I've got plans. If it's someone I do know well, they usually understand if I say that said plans aren't my kind of thing. However, if I've already said I'd go, I almost never back out even if I don't feel like going later. As an extroverted person, I find that actually going (even if I don't feel like it at the time) actually makes me feel happier. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 1, 2018 Share Posted July 1, 2018 For everyone in general, I like the nebulous, "I've got something else going on." that could mean something else or someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Echo74 Posted July 3, 2018 Share Posted July 3, 2018 Personally, if it's someone that I really don't want to hang out with, I would not say "I'd love to see you" or anything of the sort. I'd just simply tell the person "Sorry but I'm busy" or "I already have my weekend planned out" This happened to me with a elder gentleman I became acquainted with at a meetup group. He started to ask me to join him at non meetup events and I simply would tell him that I usually have my weekends planned out. After the 3-4th time he stopped asking. We're still cordial whenever I see him at a meetup. Most people will get it after a while. Don't feel bad about it. Honestly. Life's too short. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 3, 2018 Share Posted July 3, 2018 (edited) white lies Edited July 3, 2018 by Noproblem Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted July 3, 2018 Share Posted July 3, 2018 I highly recommend the movie The Invention of Lying. It's quite the eye opener. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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