bluefairy812 Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 My fiancé and I have been together for 3 wonderful years. He’s an amazing person - but I have been struggling with getting over a past relationship issue we had. November of 2017 I had an inkling to check his laptop while he was away. I discovered that he had all the photos of me I have ever sent him by text. Then I discovered he had photos of women he dated before me, still saved. One in particular bothered me. It was nude photos of a woman who he had hooked up with years before me who dated his best friend after. My fiancé’s best friend was still hooking up with her and was sending him and their friends her nude photos for the past couple of years and my fiancé was saving them all. One as recent as the month before. To say I was extremely hurt is an understatement. My fiancé and I spoke about it and I said I would need to get over it with time. I felt a violation of my trust. My fiancé obviously had a lapse in judgment and has apologized many times. Fast forward 7 months later, I am still struggling to get over it.... I feel awful. It’s still eating me up alive. At this point in time although he doesn’t communicate with her, they have mutual friends and are in a group chat together. I even had one too many drinks yesterday and brought this issue up again after months and we ended up having a fight. What do I do and how can J get over this? I have said I am working to get over this but the truth is, it is really hard to get over it. It’s destructive to the relationship for me to continue bringing it up. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 Assuming that he knows you are upset about the photos, I'm wondering if he has deleted them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefairy812 Posted June 25, 2018 Author Share Posted June 25, 2018 Assuming that he knows you are upset about the photos, I'm wondering if he has deleted them? Yes he did, the day I discovered it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 What would he need to do that he hasn't done already to help you to feel secure and to "get over it." Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefairy812 Posted June 25, 2018 Author Share Posted June 25, 2018 What would he need to do that he hasn't done already to help you to feel secure and to "get over it." I have asked him to do that and he says he is willing to - everyday - answer any doubts I have by just asking him. He says I don’t trust him and he feels I am looking for a way out (which I am not) - I can’t help but compare myself to her - and still feel betrayed. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 Having looked back at your relationship history, it is very apparent that there are longstanding issues of insecurity and trust in this relationship. Normally, I would have zero tolerance for a man who has nude photos of other women on their phone... But, having read your other posts, I wonder if you are holding onto these photos as a way to manifest your insecurity in the relationship. I agree with your boyfriend, this does not seem to be about him or the photos. The issue here is your own insecurity, the photos are now used as a function of your ability to speak your insecurity and to seek reassurance. Respectfully, I would ask if you have ever spoken with a counsellor regarding the the insecurities you are feeling and your concerns with the relationship? And a bit of advice, if you are interested... It can be exhausting for a partner who is constantly having to reassure another person - particularly when the other person is so insecure that it does not matter what they say or do, it is never enough. Eventually, your partner will just say, enough. I can't do this anymore. I would suggest that you speak with a counsellor. I would hate to see you lose your relationship because you have tested and exhausted your partner to the point that he decides to leave. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefairy812 Posted June 25, 2018 Author Share Posted June 25, 2018 Having looked back at your relationship history, it is very apparent that there are longstanding issues of insecurity and trust in this relationship. Normally, I would have zero tolerance for a man who has nude photos of other women on their phone... But, having read your other posts, I wonder if you are holding onto these photos as a way to manifest your insecurity in the relationship. I agree with your boyfriend, this does not seem to be about him or the photos. The issue here is your own insecurity, the photos are now used as a function of your ability to speak your insecurity and to seek reassurance. Respectfully, I would ask if you have ever spoken with a counsellor regarding the the insecurities you are feeling and your concerns with the relationship? And a bit of advice, if you are interested... It can be exhausting for a partner who is constantly having to reassure another person - particularly when the other person is so insecure that it does not matter what they say or do, it is never enough. Eventually, your partner will just say, enough. I can't do this anymore. I would suggest that you speak with a counsellor. I would hate to see you lose your relationship because you have tested and exhausted your partner to the point that he decides to leave. Good luck. Thank you for this. I actually am going to get in contact with a therapist. You are right. I need to do something about this insecurity of mine. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 Thank you for this. I actually am going to get in contact with a therapist. You are right. I need to do something about this insecurity of mine. Glad to hear it! This issue has plagued you for a long time, talking with a Counsellor to address the problem is probably the single best thing you can do for yourself! I wish you well. In the meantime, be very clear that there are to be no more nude photos on his phone or his computer... set clear boundaries and stick to them! Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 Since he deleted them you need to be appreciative that he listened when you expressed concern. Some men simply enjoy looking at naked women. It's not a comparison. It is just exciting. I'm a rather small woman & one of my EXs preferred porn with women with huge breasts, I'm talking the size of my head. That made me insecure for a while. I asked him about it. He said it was a meaningless fantasy & encouraged me to focus on the fact that he was dating me. It took a while but I was eventually able to be OK with him because he was a good BF. I'm glad you are going to see a therapist. I would also encourage you to get premarital counseling before you walk down the aisle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 I've got a box of old photos (no nudes) from previous relationships. I also have .jpg files backed up on CD/DVD in that box. I think its normal to save old photos (not nudes) from your past. It is just part of your past. Recently, I was doing some filing of old documents and came across my box of old photos. I went through them (for fun) looked at how I aged over the years, then returned the box to the back of the closet, where it is stored. No harm done to my present long term relationship. My girlfriend also has a box of old photos (no nudes) and her wedding album from her previous marriage. It doesn't bother me is she looks through them from time to time. And by the way, your fiancee' has a backup of those photos, somewhere. Either a CD/DVD, thumb drive or backed up to the cloud. I have several backups of my old photos and other data. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 I've got a box of old photos (no nudes) from previous relationships. I also have .jpg files backed up on CD/DVD in that box. I think its normal to save old photos (not nudes) from your past. It is just part of your past. Recently, I was doing some filing of old documents and came across my box of old photos. I went through them (for fun) looked at how I aged over the years, then returned the box to the back of the closet, where it is stored. No harm done to my present long term relationship. My girlfriend also has a box of old photos (no nudes) and her wedding album from her previous marriage. It doesn't bother me is she looks through them from time to time. And by the way, your fiancee' has a backup of those photos, somewhere. Either a CD/DVD, thumb drive or backed up to the cloud. I have several backups of my old photos and other data. My boyfriend has a wedding album and many old photos with his ex-wife and their child. He is very considerate about sharing them, as he worries that I may be sensitive about the photos but I don’t mind in the least. However, accepting nude photos from a friend of a girl that you have both dated is another thing entirely... that shows a lack of good judgment and no respect for the woman in question. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 It was nude photos of a woman who he had hooked up with years before me who dated his best friend after. My fiancé’s best friend was still hooking up with her and was sending him and their friends her nude photos for the past couple of years and my fiancé was saving them all. One as recent as the month before. However, accepting nude photos from a friend of a girl that you have both dated is another thing entirely... that shows a lack of good judgment and no respect for the woman in question. Does the girl in question know your BF - and others - were receiving these nude photos? If the answer is "no", participating in that exploitative process is a pretty big character flaw. YMMV... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 (edited) Does the girl in question know your BF - and others - were receiving these nude photos? If the answer is "no", participating in that exploitative process is a pretty big character flaw. Mr. Lucky Exactly my thought. Put yourself in this girl’s position OP, how would feel feel if these men were doing that to you? I hope that you haven’t sent him nude photos of yourself, because I would not trust him not to share them with others. I do think that there is more going on here with you OP, which is why it’s good to see a Counsellor. But, I wonder if your insecurity arises from the fact that you know in your gut that this guy is not to be trusted and this relationship is not healthy. That is certainly how it appears in your previous posts. In addition to helping you to develop your confidence and self esteem, a Counsellor will certainly help you to examine your decisions re: the future of this relationship. Obviously, you have decided to stay with this man and that is certainly your choice. I will say, I would have been gone the moment I learned that he was sharing and saving nude photos with his friends. That kind of behaviour is unacceptable and not to be trusted, in my very humble opinion. Edited June 25, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefairy812 Posted June 25, 2018 Author Share Posted June 25, 2018 Does the girl in question know your BF - and others - were receiving these nude photos? If the answer is "no", participating in that exploitative process is a pretty big character flaw. YMMV... Mr. Lucky I agree. Apparently she knew photos were going around (not sure if she knew to who?) and liked the attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefairy812 Posted June 25, 2018 Author Share Posted June 25, 2018 Exactly my thought. Put yourself in this girl’s position OP, how would feel feel if these men were doing that to you? I hope that you haven’t sent him nude photos of yourself, because I would not trust him not to share them with others. I do think that there is more going on here with you OP, which is why it’s good to see a Counsellor. But, I wonder if your insecurity arises from the fact that you know in your gut that this guy is not to be trusted and this relationship is not healthy. That is certainly how it appears in your previous posts. In addition to helping you to develop your confidence and self esteem, a Counsellor will certainly help you to examine your decisions re: the future of this relationship. Obviously, you have decided to stay with this man and that is certainly your choice. I will say, I would have been gone the moment I learned that he was sharing and saving nude photos with his friends. That kind of behaviour is unacceptable and not to be trusted, in my very humble opinion. This is why I have struggled. He is a wonderful person who made a terrible mistake. I don’t know why he was saving these photos which is what bothers me the most. He says he doesn’t find her attractive but like every man he likes boobs. I can’t control what his idiot friends do - but the fact of the matter is it was disrespectful from him and his idiot friends. He has acknowledged to me this was unacceptable and says ultimately this was his fault and has assured me there has been no further communication with her (i don’t like her and don’t feel comfortable with anything related to that woman)...... this relationship has had its issues but I won’t throw in the towel. I told him however if this happens again or cheating then i am out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 I told him however if this happens again or cheating then i am out. Have the two of you discussed any of the other similar landmines that can sink relationships? Do you care if he looks at porn? Goes to bachelor parties at strip clubs? Boys nights out? It may be that you both simply don't have the same boundaries. And that may spell trouble ahead... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherGuy1234 Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Have the two of you discussed any of the other similar landmines that can sink relationships? Do you care if he looks at porn? Goes to bachelor parties at strip clubs? Boys nights out? It may be that you both simply don't have the same boundaries. And that may spell trouble ahead... Mr. Lucky Any relationship worth having leads away from temptation to others. Link to post Share on other sites
OldSoulB Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 (edited) OK, I'll help you out. The reason you're still have trouble with it is because there's something that's currently going on that's still bothering you. You have already mentioned that your partner already deleted the pictures and that he has cut off communication with the nude girl. I have these questions for you: 1) Are you 100% sure he deleted the pictures? Is he getting new ones? 2) Even though he doesn't talk to the nude girl, does he still see her from time to time because of the group of friends he has? 3) Anything else that's bothering you that you haven't mentioned to us yet? 4) The biggest question of them all... Do you currently trust him? Hate to break it to you, but I'm guessing this is the reason you're still having issues with that past incident. Though there are ways to amend that and rebuild the trust. Edited June 26, 2018 by OldSoulB Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Any relationship worth having leads away from temptation to others. While both bluefairy812 and I may agree with you, the challenges come from the fact her BF may not. Based on his actions, I'm wondering if she's clearly defined those things that are deal breakers for her... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherGuy1234 Posted June 27, 2018 Share Posted June 27, 2018 While both bluefairy812 and I may agree with you, the challenges come from the fact her BF may not. Based on his actions, I'm wondering if she's clearly defined those things that are deal breakers for her... Mr. Lucky And people who don't take value in my statement do not need to be in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
LilithD Posted June 28, 2018 Share Posted June 28, 2018 My man kept photos of his ex girlfriends for awhile after we got together. It never bothered me because I was his woman, and still am. But he eventually pitched the pics anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2018 Share Posted June 28, 2018 My man kept photos of his ex girlfriends for awhile after we got together. It never bothered me because I was his woman, and still am. But he eventually pitched the pics anyway. Photos? Or nude photos? And, did he share the nude photos with his friends? There is a BIG difference. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted June 28, 2018 Share Posted June 28, 2018 Photos? Or nude photos? And, did he share the nude photos with his friends? There is a BIG difference. It doesn’t sound like the OPs fiancée was sharing, he was receiving. Throwing away nudes of exes is akin to throwing away cash for a guy. I’ve got many nudes/sex pics of previous exes and it in no way means I’m hung up on them or it inpacts my current relationships. For me, they are just memories and humorous to look at every 5 years or so. Link to post Share on other sites
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