I have a BF now, but xMM is haunting me

[I'mNotYours]

I was on this forum some years ago. Back then I was the OW and I was very much in love with a MM. Our A was short term, and he ended it. He didn't want to leave his wife and marriage. I was heartbroken and kept breaking NC...only to get rejected every time. I finally understood and stopped all contact. Our last conversation didn't end well.

 

And then...a few months later...I met my BF. In the beginning it wasn't easy and when things got tough, I would contact xMM, but I couldn't get myself to meet up with him. After a while my relationship got better, and the contact with xMM stopped again. There was no reason to keep it going. I told him that I wasn't available anymore and he was ok with that.

 

Fast forward 3 years and I'm now living with my BF. He's everything I' ve ever wanted and I love him so much. But as the time goes I begin to understand xMM better. I now understand why he wanted the excitement, but didn't want to leave...because sometimes I feel like that too.

 

And some days ago I saw him again at a big outdoor event. I hadn't seen him for over 3 years, and there he was. I don't know if he saw me. He probably did. And now I want to contact him and I don't even know why. I can't risk losing my BF, but I miss the passion. My current relationship is great and loving, but there has always been a lack of passion. With MM I've never doubted that he wanted me, well at least sexually.

 

 

I try to be strong and not do anything stupid. But it is hard.

[bathtub-row]

After that heartbreaking situation, I can’t believe you’d even consider going back to it again. If your bf isn’t doing it for you, then leave. But getting re-involved with a married man would be near-insanity. Also, based on what you’re saying, xMM probably wouldn’t even be receptive to that idea. Even if he were, have you really considered the reality of what you’re thinking about?

[DKT3]

And the reason way people believe once a cheater.

 

Simply walking away from affairs never fix the issues, the issues that allowed you to justify your affair in the first place are still there, and I have no doubt you will eventually contact MM and if he up for it you will resume the affair.

 

Passion isn't sustainable, just like feeling in love in a long term relationship it comes and goes.

 

On the other hand, it's a good chance you only started dating your boyfriend because he was safe and easy.

[BaileyB]

The passion you feel in a new relationship or even during an elicit affair is not sustainable. Had you stayed with your MM longer, you would have learned that.

 

That is however, the joy of a long term relationship. You settle into a comfort and peaceful companionship that is worth more than the excitement of a new relationship.

 

But, if you want to throw that away to go chasing rainbows again... by all means. It's your choice.

[I'mNotYours]

And the reason way people believe once a cheater.

 

Simply walking away from affairs never fix the issues, the issues that allowed you to justify your affair in the first place are still there, and I have no doubt you will eventually contact MM and if he up for it you will resume the affair.

 

Passion isn't sustainable, just like feeling in love in a long term relationship it comes and goes.

 

On the other hand, it's a good chance you only started dating your boyfriend because he was safe and easy.

 

I was single while I was seeing xMM.

 

And maybe I did think that my BF was safe and easy in the beginning, but the feelings grew and I know I love him. I don't think I will contact xMM. I'm writing here instead to get a wake up call.

[I'mNotYours]

After that heartbreaking situation, I can’t believe you’d even consider going back to it again. If your bf isn’t doing it for you, then leave. But getting re-involved with a married man would be near-insanity. Also, based on what you’re saying, xMM probably wouldn’t even be receptive to that idea. Even if he were, have you really considered the reality of what you’re thinking about?

 

The thing is that I don't want to see him. There's no point. But I think it's an old habit. I've always been selfdestructive in many ways and got used to rejections and feeling unloved. As you say, I'm sure he doesn't want to see me either.

Edited June 25, 2018 by I'mNotYours

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm disconnecting myself from an online "friendship" with a married man that's been going on too long, so I've been browsing this forum.

 

Affairs seem like just another drug that people get addicted to. I think illicit relationships like these give people a place to express their secret selves, even their shadow side. The man I've been talking to said he's expressed things to me he's never told anyone. I get the impression he's rather stoic in real life.

 

Going back to this guy would be like going back to the crack pipe, strung out in a dirty street with weirdos all around. Sounds dramatic, but kinda true. Ask better of yourself.

[TheRainbow]

It's not true love, it's an illusion. The passion is an illusion. Don't do what I did my entire marriage and that is looking for something else that is just not there. THe reason you likely don't find passion in your current relationship is that you are looking elsewhere. I'm working toward never being the other woman or a cheater in my next relationship because my selfishness and inability to commit has tarnished my marriage and because of that I'm starting.

[Adotta]

People also fail to realize that an affair is taboo. And taboo is HOT. It really is. The sneaking. The danger. The secrets and rushing a quickie out because you have to be home quick. Messaging each other in front of your spouse. I really think cheating is a fetish for some people.... It's was for me. Not so much me cheating on someone else as much as me sleeping with a cheater.

 

When I was involved with my MW the taboo factor of it all played a major factor in the quality of our sex life. We both knew it. We wanted to do naughty wring things. You can simulate taboo and naughty with your spouse, but it's harder.... no pun intended.

 

There is a thrill to cheating. It's not just the person your cheating with that is the thrill. The man can also get a thrill out of sleeping with another man's wife.... I did. I thought it made me super macho and a great woman pleaser. I very much looked down on the husband and thumbed my nose at him. Anyone who knows my story knows it gets worse than just that. I don't like using some of the more specific info of my story as its even more weird than most stories here.

 

Looking back, while I still have confidence in my sexual prowess , I think a lot of the sexual energy me and her had came from the secret taboo factor of it all. It is really like a drug. I'm sure for someone who is in a long term relationship and or has a hard time being sexually open with their spouse would see an affair as a great way to inject excitement in to their lives.

 

Problem is that's a horrible way to get excitement. It's empty and life destroying. Even worse than destroying your own life it destroys those around you as well.

 

There are ways to get that excitement with a spouse, but it requires a little more than a few candles and good music. You have to find a way to signal or plainly speak to your spouse and tell them I WANT MORE. I want back of the car sex. I want s and m. I want ..... whatever it is that you can share and experience with your spouse to get those unused portions of your brain to light up with hormones and adrenaline.

 

Having an affair is like standing at the edge of a cliff. Right at the edge. One breeze could push you over. There is a thrill to that. People who are content and have excitement and fulfillment don't normally do that, but someone who is dead bored with life would see standing at the edge of a cliff as a great way to experience the highs of life again.

 

Then there is the push and pull, highs and lows. It's not just the highs that get you addicted. It's the lows too. When your affair partner can't talk or is distant and you are bleeding your heart out for them and they finally give in and talk to you and reaffirm that yes they love you still. It's is a sudden upswing in your emotions that even more burried you into the addiction. You were able to win them back over. It's also the pride factor as well. When your affair partner turns a cold shoulder your pride and sexual identity take a hit. Then you feel the only way to get that back is to get the ap back. They quickly become the ONLY person you look to to gauge your own value.

 

I like to say that the addiction in an affair isn't actually the AP. It's the forbidden relationship itself. It's the escape from real life. It's all a fantasy. As primed as you where for an affair it didn't have to be any guy in particular. Why do you think so many women on here question their choice in an ap after they come out of the "fog"? It's because the guy wasn't some super man. He wasn't special. He wasn't that great. He just said the right things at the right time. He was in the right place at the right time. He isn't special. The affair made him special.

[Aloha123]

People also fail to realize that an affair is taboo. And taboo is HOT. It really is. The sneaking. The danger. The secrets and rushing a quickie out because you have to be home quick. Messaging each other in front of your spouse. I really think cheating is a fetish for some people.... It's was for me. Not so much me cheating on someone else as much as me sleeping with a cheater.

 

When I was involved with my MW the taboo factor of it all played a major factor in the quality of our sex life. We both knew it. We wanted to do naughty wring things. You can simulate taboo and naughty with your spouse, but it's harder.... no pun intended.

 

There is a thrill to cheating. It's not just the person your cheating with that is the thrill. The man can also get a thrill out of sleeping with another man's wife.... I did. I thought it made me super macho and a great woman pleaser. I very much looked down on the husband and thumbed my nose at him. Anyone who knows my story knows it gets worse than just that. I don't like using some of the more specific info of my story as its even more weird than most stories here.

 

Looking back, while I still have confidence in my sexual prowess , I think a lot of the sexual energy me and her had came from the secret taboo factor of it all. It is really like a drug. I'm sure for someone who is in a long term relationship and or has a hard time being sexually open with their spouse would see an affair as a great way to inject excitement in to their lives.

 

Problem is that's a horrible way to get excitement. It's empty and life destroying. Even worse than destroying your own life it destroys those around you as well.

 

There are ways to get that excitement with a spouse, but it requires a little more than a few candles and good music. You have to find a way to signal or plainly speak to your spouse and tell them I WANT MORE. I want back of the car sex. I want s and m. I want ..... whatever it is that you can share and experience with your spouse to get those unused portions of your brain to light up with hormones and adrenaline.

 

Having an affair is like standing at the edge of a cliff. Right at the edge. One breeze could push you over. There is a thrill to that. People who are content and have excitement and fulfillment don't normally do that, but someone who is dead bored with life would see standing at the edge of a cliff as a great way to experience the highs of life again.

 

Then there is the push and pull, highs and lows. It's not just the highs that get you addicted. It's the lows too. When your affair partner can't talk or is distant and you are bleeding your heart out for them and they finally give in and talk to you and reaffirm that yes they love you still. It's is a sudden upswing in your emotions that even more burried you into the addiction. You were able to win them back over. It's also the pride factor as well. When your affair partner turns a cold shoulder your pride and sexual identity take a hit. Then you feel the only way to get that back is to get the ap back. They quickly become the ONLY person you look to to gauge your own value.

 

I like to say that the addiction in an affair isn't actually the AP. It's the forbidden relationship itself. It's the escape from real life. It's all a fantasy. As primed as you where for an affair it didn't have to be any guy in particular. Why do you think so many women on here question their choice in an ap after they come out of the "fog"? It's because the guy wasn't some super man. He wasn't special. He wasn't that great. He just said the right things at the right time. He was in the right place at the right time. He isn't special. The affair made him special.

 

Adotta you have some truly brilliant, well-thought out insights.

[S2B]

Have you considered doing some long term work with a therapist? You admitted you're self destructive through the years... now is a good time for you to change that about yourself.

 

You're doing this to yourself - you also have the ability to stop doing that.

 

You can learn a new and improved way.

[Miss Clavel]

I was on this forum some years ago. Back then I was the OW and I was very much in love with a MM. Our A was short term' date=' and [b']he ended it[/b]. He didn't want to leave his wife and marriage. I was heartbroken and kept breaking NC...only to get rejected every time. I finally understood and stopped all contact. Our last conversation didn't end well.

 

And then...a few months later...I met my BF. In the beginning it wasn't easy and when things got tough, I would contact xMM, but I couldn't get myself to meet up with him. After a while my relationship got better, and the contact with xMM stopped again. There was no reason to keep it going. I told him that I wasn't available anymore and he was ok with that.

 

Fast forward 3 years and I'm now living with my BF. He's everything I' ve ever wanted and I love him so much. But as the time goes I begin to understand xMM better. I now understand why he wanted the excitement, but didn't want to leave...because sometimes I feel like that too.

 

And some days ago I saw him again at a big outdoor event. I hadn't seen him for over 3 years, and there he was. I don't know if he saw me. He probably did. And now I want to contact him and I don't even know why. I can't risk losing my BF, but I miss the passion. My current relationship is great and loving, but there has always been a lack of passion. With MM I've never doubted that he wanted me, well at least sexually.

 

 

I try to be strong and not do anything stupid. But it is hard.

 

yes, it's hard to break an addiction. and clearly, you are addicted. even if you go 3 years, without your drug of choice, yup, you're still addicted.

 

and that's how you should "treat" it. with the "steps" that successful recovering addicts use. all 12 of them.

 

if your current relationship lacked passion, from the beginning, how did you let it get so far? you say you love him, but, wth??

 

you're cheating, your boyfriend. don't you see that?

[I'mNotYours]

Thank you all for your replies. It means a lot to me. I will answer soon.

[whichwayisup]

You went from an A with a MM to a regular relationship that didn't have a chance since you contacted xMM once you got serious with your boyfriend. 2 months isn't long enough for you to grieve the loss of the A and get past your feelings for exMM. He still is in your heart, you've already compared him to your bf too, in bed. Your relationship is passionless and you settled and now aren't happy enough.

 

Do consider counseling and maybe being on your own to find 'you' and happiness without having to rely on a man to complete you. Once you're healthier and in a better place, then start dating until you find the right (single) man who can meet all your needs, including passion!

[I'mNotYours]

You went from an A with a MM to a regular relationship that didn't have a chance since you contacted xMM once you got serious with your boyfriend. 2 months isn't long enough for you to grieve the loss of the A and get past your feelings for exMM. He still is in your heart, you've already compared him to your bf too, in bed. Your relationship is passionless and you settled and now aren't happy enough.

 

Do consider counseling and maybe being on your own to find 'you' and happiness without having to rely on a man to complete you. Once you're healthier and in a better place, then start dating until you find the right (single) man who can meet all your needs, including passion!

 

It's 2 months + 3 years and I can honestly say that I don't have any feelings for xMM anymore. But it was still weird to see him again. I don't want to leave my BF, but I want more sex and more passion. Yes, we kiss and cuddle, but it's like going from one extreme to another...with xMM it was ONLY sex. We never did anything outside bed and I was very unhappy. Now I feel happy and loved, but I still miss something.

[CantTakeMySmile]

It's 2 months + 3 years and I can honestly say that I don't have any feelings for xMM anymore. But it was still weird to see him again. I don't want to leave my BF' date=' but I want more sex and more passion. Yes, we kiss and cuddle, but it's like going from one extreme to another...with xMM it was ONLY sex. We never did anything outside bed and I was very unhappy. Now I feel happy and loved, but I still miss something.[/quote']

 

What has your bag said about you wanting more sex?

[I'mNotYours]

I like to say that the addiction in an affair isn't actually the AP. It's the forbidden relationship itself. It's the escape from real life. It's all a fantasy. As primed as you where for an affair it didn't have to be any guy in particular. Why do you think so many women on here question their choice in an ap after they come out of the "fog"? It's because the guy wasn't some super man. He wasn't special. He wasn't that great. He just said the right things at the right time. He was in the right place at the right time. He isn't special. The affair made him special.

 

Spot on. I'm so glad I didn't end up with him. He just said what I needed at that time. Thank you so much for this post.

[I'mNotYours]

What has your bag said about you wanting more sex?

 

He knows I want more. But he says that he always had a low sex drive. In all other ways we're a perfect match so it makes me sad that it isn't really working in that area.

[CantTakeMySmile]

He knows I want more. But he says that he always had a low sex drive. In all other ways we're a perfect match so it makes me sad that it isn't really working in that area.

 

So yo guys have talked about I and he won’t work on the issue?

[FMW]

Compatible sex drives is a very big deal.

 

It seems like maybe you over-corrected by focusing too much on the faithful good guy part when getting involved with your boyfriend. Seeing your xMM just reminded you of what you're missing in other ways. The right mix is really important for a lasting and faithful relationship.

 

A healthy relationship isn't going to be as "exciting" as an affair, but you certainly should be having good and satisfying sex.

[mingomatic]

Dear OP

 

Read my story and find out just how much things can get fuccked up if you keep having this mindset.

I think you've validated my fears about my ex GF , especially the sex part.