Wife asked for divorce

[PegNosePete]

You need to file.

 

Don't worry about moving out for now. In fact DON'T move out! It will disadvantage you. In the short term you'll be stuck together anyway so might as well get the paperwork underway. There's no reason to wait. Nothing is going to change in a month or 3 months or a year. You'll be in the same position, a year older, still sitting in misery. The only way you can get out of this is to take action yourself.

 

As for what the position will look like after divorce. You should consult with a lawyer about this who can look at all the finances, but you need to find a solution that is sustainable in the long run. Her getting to keep the house, you still paying the mortgage and rent on a new place is NOT sustainable therefore is not going to happen. If you can't afford to pay the mortgage and rent on a new place for yourself then usually the house will have to be sold. You can afford rent on a new place for yourself and she will have to rent herself somewhere - how she will afford that is unknown at present - maybe a combination of what alimony you can afford to pay her, her earnings, lump sum from the house sale, help from the government, etc.

 

Don't assume that you'll be ground into the dust while she's sitting pretty. Yes the primary carer usually gets the lion's share of the assets but things are likely not as bad as you think. There are certainly other options. The best idea would be to take all your figures and numbers to a lawyer and ask what a reasonable outcome would be, assuming that nothing changes.

[Adiron]

In fact DON'T move out! It will disadvantage you.

 

Yes.

 

Her getting to keep the house, you still paying the mortgage and rent on a new place is NOT sustainable therefore is not going to happen.

 

No.

 

It happens all the time. Stay at home wife and primary caregiver gets exclusive use and possession of the home because it's in the best interests of the minor children to stay put. Dad ends up paying a combination of spousal and child support in amounts that can exceed 75% of his take home pay leaving him with barely enough to put food on his plate let alone pay for a place to live. Oftentimes dad ends up staying at a friend or relatives house for years.

 

The only good news is it's not forever. Eventually spousal support ends unless it's permanent which is less likely nowadays, and eventually the child will be emancipated and child support will end. Spousal support duration and amounts vary by state but you can expect to pay for about 3 years, and up to 20% of your take home pay. Child support ends at 18 in most states and 21 in a few, and age 22 in one or two states. Easy enough for you to check. So you could be in the clear in 14 years. It goes fast.

Edited June 27, 2018 by Adiron

[Filly4thirteen]

Any advice on how to deal with the fear of

My child being around another man if she decides to move a guy in right away?

[Striver]

Any advice on how to deal with the fear of

My child being around another man if she decides to move a guy in right away?

 

Spend as much time as possible with your child.

 

My wife left me for another man whom she married. I am not crazy about the guy obviously.

 

Get as much placement (time with your child) as you can. 50-50 if possible. Do not move out of the house until placement is settled.

 

Beyond that, you can volunteer and show up to every activity. Chaperone, coach, go on field trips. "Some guy", even if he sticks around, may not want to be there if you're there all of the time. So you're there and he isn't. That has worked for me.

[Marc878]

Any advice on how to deal with the fear of

My child being around another man if she decides to move a guy in right away?

 

You have to let it go. There is nothing you can do. Her time is hers and yours will be yours. Keep everything totally separate. Communicate only by txt about the child ignore anything else. Keep pickups/drop offs to a 3 minutes exercise with zero engagement. No contact is you're only path.

 

Read up

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[Adiron]

Any advice on how to deal with the fear of

My child being around another man if she decides to move a guy in right away?

 

 

Control the things you can and let the rest go. Maintain a strong bond with your child, that way if there's an issue your child will communicate it to you and you can make it all better.

[Filly4thirteen]

Just posting to give y’all an update. I am still living under the same roof as this liar and cheater. I’ve come to know that their are multiple guys she’s talking to, one of them being a good friend of mine. Her and I are somehow able to be amicable and peaceful while in this situation. Hopefully I will hear back from my attorney tomorrow with the disillusion papers ready to sign. She said she will sign them as long as everything we discussed is correctly spelled out. I will be moving out hopefully this or next weekend and will be responsible for child support only. I’ve since cut her off of all checking savings and credit cards and have told her she isn’t touching the savings and or my retirement and I won’t be paying alimony. She has agreed to this as long as she keeps the house for our daughters sake. I am ok with this as I never liked the area anyhow. It’s time to start my new single father life. It’s kinda bitter sweet. I’m scared but yet excited to get out of the situation. Fortunately I’ve crunched the numbers and I guess I will be better off financially once I kick this dirt bag out of

My life. I made it abundantly clear that any man brought around my daughter must first be introduced to me. She has agreed and asked I do the same. But honestly I don’t see this happening for me for a very very long time. I’ve had days where I didn’t think I could function or move on with life, but I’m really starting to see the light and my future looks bright. I thank you all for your kind words, they truly helped me. Some days I would sit at work on the verge of a panic attack and I would re read these messages and it gave me strength to push on. I thank y’all for that! GOD BLESS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

 

Even the person who asked, what is worse a wife who feels neglected by her husband or a husband who gets cheated on. I realized I didn’t do my part as a husband. Her cheating is on her. My faults are on me. Time to grow and move on.

[Mr. Lucky]

I made it abundantly clear that any man brought around my daughter must first be introduced to me.

 

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that probably won’t happen. Such is the nature of divorce, and when they weren’t honest with you while married, they’re rarely honest thereafter.

 

You counteract this by maximizing your time with your daughter, being involved in her life and developing good communication...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Purepony]

This sounds like a great deal since you say there is little equity in the house anyway. If I were you I'd strike while the iron is hot. Get this signed and sealed as quickly as possible, before she changes her mind!

 

 

 

Yeah but then you probably don’t be able to buy a house if this one stays in your name

[notbroken]

Make her agree to refinance the house into her name within a certain time period - maybe 3 years. You do NOT want your name on that house if you aren't living in it. She may not maintain it, it could go 'underwater' financially, etc. Try not to have that as an indefinitely situation - even if it is a few years away.

 

Otherwise, you are on your way to better days. See your daughter as much as possible and only talk to your ex about things involving the kid. There is absolutely NOTHING productive that can come out of dealing with her otherwise.

 

Yes, you may have neglected your relationship some, but her cheating is 100% on her. Period. You WILL eventually find someone you are interested in and is a better fit for you. You've learned your lesson (probably). Being married to someone that doesn't work is very risky financially (yes, I'll get flamed for that - but it has been proven literally millions of times).

 

Find things that make you happy and do more of them. You won't find that in a bottle/drugs and 'drowning your sorrows'. You'll find that in your kid, hobbies, and 'moving on'. In a while you will wake up one day and realize something is different - you will be happy.

[Filly4thirteen]

We have it written up that she assumes payments and keeps equity in lieu of alimony and has 24 months to refinance or sell or the house goes up for sale.

[AMarriedMan]

File for divorce. Leave her no money and keep custody of your daughter.

 

Under most jurisdictions, there is this little thing called the law between that plan and reality. You just don't just leave women "no money" and keep (residential) custody of your children with them unless the circumstances are really exceptional.

 

The family is dead in the modern world. In today's world, when a wife is unhappy her solution is often to get rid of the husband. In the process, the man also typically gets separated from his children and his money. The whole thing is Russian roulette from a man's perspective. Never in history have husbands been as expendable as today. Of course, men have always been the expendable sex but the institution of marriage has become a joke.

[AMarriedMan]

Here's an article that might shed some light on your situation:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

 

My point is, it would be a grave mistake on your part if you try to suppress the guilt you are feeling about being absent in the marriage emotionally. It's the emotional connection (not money or power) that women seek the most in their relationships.

 

What women want most is being loved and cherished by a rich and powerful man.

 

It's a horribly painful thing for a woman being a stay-home mom day in day out with a mentally absent husband. She'll scream all she can, but eventually she'll let go and that's what your wife has done.

 

It must have been even more painful for OP's wife to get a job or dial down her materialistic demands to make it easier for OP to make ends meet without working overtime like a mule.

 

Lots of people have too feeble an understanding of the true cost of things and the trade-offs involved.

[Filly4thirteen]

Well it’s starting to get so screwed up. The lawyer has yet to finish the paperwork to sign so I don’t feel comfortable moving out yet. Hopefully it’ll be ready today or tomorrow and then I can sign the lease on the duplex. All the while she is going on dates with guys from work. What a joke this is. It’s destroying me

Mentally

[carhill]

Under most jurisdictions, there is this little thing called the law between that plan and reality. You just don't just leave women "no money" and keep (residential) custody of your children with them unless the circumstances are really exceptional.

 

The family is dead in the modern world. In today's world, when a wife is unhappy her solution is often to get rid of the husband. In the process, the man also typically gets separated from his children and his money. The whole thing is Russian roulette from a man's perspective. Never in history have husbands been as expendable as today. Of course, men have always been the expendable sex but the institution of marriage has become a joke.

In general I agree but prior to divorce filing it's a partnership and partners have equal access.... even after, it's proscribed but people ignore financial wasting and it takes lawyer money to enforce it if it is enforceable at all.

 

I was introduced to this in, eh, 1990 when a MW met me for lunch and I went with her to the bank where she proceeded to withdraw a low five figure figure sum, a bit less than 20,000, from the ranch bank account so she could have some 'security money' when visiting her sister back east since she and H were on the outs. No permission needed, done. Prior, I'd known her maybe six years at that point, she was the oppressed ranch wife and mother. Heh, not so much.

 

After that, I decided I'd keep the bulk of marital funds separate, and that's what we (exW and I) did when married so when she hit the divorce button there were no surprises. No joint debt or assets. Some co-mingled stuff, sure, like houses, but that was easy to fix. She wasn't on a mission though, like that MW was. Whoa, gotta say she taught me a lot in the 30 years or so I knew her. When she ejected for the MM she was involved with, the divorce took nearly seven years and was an epic battle over money and kids. She's still with that MM, living together now over a decade.

 

For the OP, I've seen MW's work the impoverished SAHM deal and numerous other social hacks to take advantage of the tilted legal system in the past. It may be more level now, IDK, but souring the milk for a D definitely still has sway. Learn the tricks and get some top-drawer legal advice to control what you can. Pick one positive outcome and focus on that. For my male friends who survived the divorce wars, they focused on their children and battled for them and let the other stuff go. Long down the road, now grandfathers and great-grandfathers, I can see the value in their focus. Money, stuff and women can be replaced. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

What a joke this is. It’s destroying me

Mentally

 

You need to think long game rather than short term, that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. At least you won't be one of those guys moping around hoping she comes back.

 

Stay busy, think of your kids and get through one day at a time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Filly4thirteen]

Well the dissolution papers where signed today. Everything I had written up she signed. I don’t know what will happen next but tomorrow I get the keys to the duplex I’m renting and taking my personal stuff to live in this empty duplex. Definitely a scary time in my life. She get the house and most contents plus child support. I took no alimony , the savings and checking and my retirement. Plus the “nice” car. I’m young so my savings and retirement don’t amount to much but the savings is enough to furnish my place plus pay off my car. I’m sincerely crushed by all this that after 7 years of killing myself to climb the ladder and make more for my family that it has come to this. I can sincerely say I don’t think I’ll ever trust again. She’s pretty much helping me pack to get me out. I’m angry and just want to say screw it (which I’m doing) but it still hurts so damn bad. This woman whom I loved dearly could do this. Never felt anything like this before. She has zero remorse.

[Filly4thirteen]

Ps. Between now and the signing of the decree, how difficult is it for her to go back and want to change something. Like say decide she wants alimony. We both signed and notarized and was sworn in prior to signing.

[Adiron]

Ps. Between now and the signing of the decree, how difficult is it for her to go back and want to change something. Like say decide she wants alimony. We both signed and notarized and was sworn in prior to signing.

 

 

It's very difficult for a party to change a divorce agreement that was decided between the parties as opposed to a judge's ruling. Once it's approved and finalized by the court, she'd have to prove hardship, or significant change in circumstances or make the case that she signed under duress or you committed fraud or failed to disclose important assets or income.

 

 

No clue if she could somehow modify it if it's already been sent to the court for final approval. I guess anything's possible. Maybe wait until it's final before moving out. Why rush things? Just to make HER happy?

Edited July 17, 2018 by Adiron

[Filly4thirteen]

Well it’s somewhat offical. Court date is set and I’m all moved out. I’ve been no contact since I moved out other then anything about my girl. Her room is about done at my duplex so she will

Begin staying with me soon. There is definitely a sense of relief as I don’t have to be around her anymore but it’s definitely scary being on my own. She texted me asking me how I was and said “I’m sad but it’s not

Like you care” then this morning texted me at 5am that it’s lonely without me in the house. Still

No contact from me. I went and had a mini shopping spree today to begin furnishing my

Place which felt really nice. I guess I’m at the point of acceptance. Aug 27th at 115 will be the end of the longest 4 months of my life. At least she finally admitted it’s been a full blown affair going on since February. No remore or apologizing on her end.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Tell her if she needs emotional support she can get that from her affair partners too. That your daughter deserved a better mother than an adulterer and that you will never forgive her even if you will do your best to be a great father despite her despicable behavior. Stop being a pushover. She truly doesn't care, just little pangs of guilt.