assure me I didn't make things worse

[d0nnivain]

A friend called me earlier. She's been having a rough time lately -- stress at work & a reorganization where she thinks she may get fired. She has some health problems -- punctured ear drum, recently broken toe & her bad back is flaring up. She's an only child; both her parents are deceased. Her dog died about 3 years ago. She just has a birthday that ended in 0; decade changes are always tough. Now she has developed anxiety & is being bullied at work by a manager who doesn't like her. HR is sort of involve but can't do much because the manager stops just short of legally actionable conduct.

 

She said she was at the end of her rope. She was thinking a lot about the celebrities who had recently killed themselves. She swore she wasn't suicidal & said her religious faith would not allow her to take her own life.

 

She said her therapist had abandoned her, he wasn't calling back & she didn't know what was going on. If that is true I will report him to the licensing agency in our state.

 

She begged me not to send the cops for a wellness check.

 

So I went to the store & bought some comfort food. I also went to the bookstore & bought some self help books. Then I drove over to her house & pounded on the door until she let me in.

 

She kept saying how blown away she was by my thoughtfulness. She broke my heart when she said nobody ever cared about her like this & she was totally overwhelmed. She had several panic attacks while I was there. She couldn't breath; she was turning red.

 

She wasn't making much sense. She must have called her BF 7-8 times. . . obsessively. Then she confessed that he'd broken up with her. In my mind that explained why he wasn't picking up.

 

I got her to promise to seek out a new therapist tomorrow. She said she would & that I gave her hope.

 

She must have eventually gotten the BF on the phone because he called me to thank me for being there for her.

 

She's texted me a few times since I have been home. So at least I know she's still alive.

 

Another dear friend who is a psychologist told me to stay out of it & to just call 911 but I can't do that to the upset friend. She used to be in politics in the town where she lives. If I called the cops odds are the cop would know her & all the local media would know the address She'd end up in the news.

 

I do think showing up & hugging her helped but I'm terrified that because I am not a mental health professional I could inadvertently make it worse. Yet, I want to believe that simple human contact, a listening ear & some reassurance is more positive then negative. Granted it's no substitute for professional care but if she can get through tonight, maybe we can get real help tomorrow.

 

What does LS think?

[preraph]

No, you didn't make it worse. It just sounds like she's lost everything and everybody and now her daily life sucks and she has no joy. She can't escape into work because work is miserable. Her boyfriend has left. I cannot imagine a doctor abandoning her (maybe she stopped paying?), but yes, she needs a new doctor asap. Do follow up and be sure she has made an appointment. That's one thing you can't do for her. I've tried. It has to be them. You can send her some names and try to sort out the type of therapy.

 

She's spiraled down and if she has to leave her job OR be admitted, it's going to finish her off with hardly any way to get back up again. I feel so bad that she has all those physical things. It truly does make the entire daily life so much harder to deal with, a real struggle. Makes everyday living so hard, no relief.

 

You know, it's possible she could be on conflicting meds or something too, since she has both physical and psychological going on. So you might take a look at her meds and call someone, I don't know, poison control and find out if they're all okay to take together. If one doctor doesn't know about another doctor's prescription, it can get bad in a hurry. If she has been on psychiatric drugs and changes how she takes them or stops, it can go bad very quickly too. Sounds like she definitely needs to get on some anxiety meds. You ought to help her request her medical records to be sent to whoever her new doctor is. See she's overwhelmed and no family member to pick up the slack, so it would be a blessing if you could request the authorization forms from her doctors' offices and then have that ready for her to pick up (for a fee) and take with her or send ahead to the new psychiatrist or psychologist.

 

She needs someone to pick up the slack. She probably needs someone to help her clean house and stuff too since she's injured and hurting and depressed. I know it's a lot. You're good to do whatever part of it you can. I wonder if the biggest trigger is the bf breaking up or if she's been like this for some time. You ought to ask him. He might have just gotten tired of dealing with this -- or maybe this kicked it off, in which case, she'll hopefully get better sometime. Good luck.

[Veronica73]

You sound like you are a really good friend. And you didn't make it worse.

[bathtub-row]

I don’t think you made it worse. You’re right that human contact and thoughtful action goes a long way. The problem is, I think she needs serious help and I’m not sure if she’ll be able to get that. No matter what she says, she’s contemplating suicide and she’s likely to pull it off. She’s at a very low point and doesn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. That’s a seriously bad place to be in.

[d0nnivain]

Although she claimed embarrassment at how messy her house was, it was cleaner then mine is on a good day. There was a wine glass on the table & 3-4 dishes in the sink; she said she didn't make her bed but it was not the chaos I was expecting. She was in sweats & the house was dark on a bright sunny afternoon. She swore she had no pills other than Tylenol in the house. One of the things we always shared was a dislike of most meds, especially the psychiatric ones.

 

She didn't call last night. I just sent her a text. I will drive by on my way to work. It is on the way.

 

I know I can't fix her. I know she has to do the work. Heck I've been there. I just don't want her to feel like I'm putting more pressure on her. I can see that she's not thinking straight but I do see a path forward for her, even if she doesn't love it.

 

The therapist abandoning doesn't make sense. Her EX? BF called me. He said he called the therapist but just nobody answers. I think something is really off there. I have given her some other #s & I will keep looking. I explained that it takes a while to find the right therapist. I went through several.

 

She does have health insurance. She has enough time in at her company to quit and draw an actual pension. Plus she has some money in a 401. She lives in a nice house. She could take in a roommate for extra case. She could also sell & downsize. I have suggested she think about moving to a state with a lower cost of living; her housing costs would be 1/3 of what they are now, which is less than the current equity in her home -- viola monthly expenses are reduced dramatically. The only things holding her here were the job & the BF.

 

If she can find that gritty can do person I know she is -- before all the work drama -- sucked out her self confidence -- she will be just fine. I also know she needs professional help to get back to that place. I did.

[snowboy91]

I do think showing up & hugging her helped but I'm terrified that because I am not a mental health professional I could inadvertently make it worse. Yet, I want to believe that simple human contact, a listening ear & some reassurance is more positive then negative. Granted it's no substitute for professional care but if she can get through tonight, maybe we can get real help tomorrow.

 

This x1000. For those going through a tough time, knowing that someone has your back in such a major way makes it so much easier to cope. In fact, when you suspect someone's mental health is suffering, what you did is exactly what someone needs to do just to get them through the night. Having been on both ends of this situation, people are way more likely to appreciate a bit of emotional support than to knock it back.

 

When times are tough, whether it be by lack of time or by mental health issues, people end up becoming isolated which only makes things worse. Isolation is usually a poor coping mechanism. If you are able to, keep being there for your friend, and keep tabs on how you are coping with it too.

Edited June 26, 2018 by snowboy91

[bathtub-row]

This may seem ridiculous but what about getting her a dog from the shelter, or going with her to pick one out? She’s missing her buddy and a new one just might lift her spirits and give her a new purpose.

 

Moving could be a great idea but keep in mind that she could end up where she knows no one and that can be extremely isolating.

[d0nnivain]

At this point she works too much to be home for the dog. Plus I don't want to suggest another expense. I did offer to go with her so we could both volunteer at a local shelter. I do think a dog would help.

 

I get that moving & starting all over might not be great but it's better then going broke here.

 

I know she has extended family in the south. That is part of what triggered this; her cousin's son was driving home from college over the weekend & was killed when he fell asleep at the wheel.

[preraph]

I wonder if it's possible she was never seeing a psychiatrist and was just telling the BF she was and that's why the number doesn't work. That part makes no sense. She needs anxiety meds for now at least.

[d0nnivain]

I suppose but the BF said the answering machine message was from the therapist so lying doesn't seem to be her M.O.

 

Before her work damaged her self esteem she had been a real go getter, polished person. If she was only attention seeking she has better ways to achieve that. Heck, she used to hold public office.

[bathtub-row]

So sad. I hate to see this kind of thing happen to a person. It must be really hard for you.

[d0nnivain]

So sad. I hate to see this kind of thing happen to a person. It must be really hard for you.

 

It's harder for her. I have been there but with therapy managed to get back to functioning. Thus I am begging her to get a therapist. I'm going over her house later to go through her insurance company's website to see if we can find a local doctor who takes her insurance.

 

Thanks for supporting me though.

[alphamale]

she needs a new psychiatrist and a medication review. note I said psychiatrist and not psychologist

[d0nnivain]

she needs a new psychiatrist and a medication review. note I said psychiatrist and not psychologist

 

I know what you said & I know the difference. She won't take psychiatric meds & she has valid reasons for her choice, IMO. As a lay person all I'm trying to do is get her to a genuine professional . . . baby steps. I'll let that psychologist talk her into the psychiatrist. I don't have the skill set to do that.

[preraph]

Hope she takes a turn for the better soon. No, I don't see it as attention seeking either. yes, a psychologist will work in tandem with a psychiatrist to prescribe meds she doesn't want. I'm just saying consider the fact that whatever a med can do to you, if she's really suicidal, the med side effects is surely preferential to death. And anxiety drugs aren't that big a deal, though that may or may not be all she needs.

 

You know, even if the doctor went on a long vacation, he/she would have left someone in charge of the patients, so it is very odd. Unless the doctor did notify her individually some way and she didn't see it or something. I would think the answering machine would say to call so and so or 911 or something. Odd.

Edited June 26, 2018 by preraph

[alphamale]

I know what you said & I know the difference. She won't take psychiatric meds & she has valid reasons for her choice, IMO. As a lay person all I'm trying to do is get her to a genuine professional . . . baby steps. I'll let that psychologist talk her into the psychiatrist. I don't have the skill set to do that.

 

this woman needs some serious psychotropics. if not she may eventually commit suicide. this is of utmost importance

[d0nnivain]

this woman needs some serious psychotropics. if not she may eventually commit suicide. this is of utmost importance

 

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you. But I don't have the ability to make her take them.

 

I made this thread so LS can help ME deal with what I feel are my inadequacies in this situation. You repeatedly pointing out my failures is not helping. Please understand that I'm trying for baby steps here -- getting her to talk to any kind of a professional.

 

I did speak to her this morning. She has an appointment with a medical doctor tomorrow & is continuing her quest to find a therapist.

[alphamale]

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you. But I don't have the ability to make her take them.

 

I made this thread so LS can help ME deal with what I feel are my inadequacies in this situation. You repeatedly pointing out my failures is not helping. Please understand that I'm trying for baby steps here -- getting her to talk to any kind of a professional.

 

I did speak to her this morning. She has an appointment with a medical doctor tomorrow & is continuing her quest to find a therapist.

 

you're doing fine and i'm glad she is seeing a doctor tomorrow

[DrReplyInRhymes]

A friend called me earlier. She's been having a rough time lately -- stress at work & a reorganization where she thinks she may get fired. She has some health problems -- punctured ear drum, recently broken toe & her bad back is flaring up. She's an only child; both her parents are deceased. Her dog died about 3 years ago. She just has a birthday that ended in 0; decade changes are always tough. Now she has developed anxiety & is being bullied at work by a manager who doesn't like her. HR is sort of involve but can't do much because the manager stops just short of legally actionable conduct.

 

She said she was at the end of her rope. She was thinking a lot about the celebrities who had recently killed themselves. She swore she wasn't suicidal & said her religious faith would not allow her to take her own life.

 

She said her therapist had abandoned her, he wasn't calling back & she didn't know what was going on. If that is true I will report him to the licensing agency in our state.

 

She begged me not to send the cops for a wellness check.

 

So I went to the store & bought some comfort food. I also went to the bookstore & bought some self help books. Then I drove over to her house & pounded on the door until she let me in.

 

She kept saying how blown away she was by my thoughtfulness. She broke my heart when she said nobody ever cared about her like this & she was totally overwhelmed. She had several panic attacks while I was there. She couldn't breath; she was turning red.

 

She wasn't making much sense. She must have called her BF 7-8 times. . . obsessively. Then she confessed that he'd broken up with her. In my mind that explained why he wasn't picking up.

 

I got her to promise to seek out a new therapist tomorrow. She said she would & that I gave her hope.

 

She must have eventually gotten the BF on the phone because he called me to thank me for being there for her.

 

She's texted me a few times since I have been home. So at least I know she's still alive.

 

Another dear friend who is a psychologist told me to stay out of it & to just call 911 but I can't do that to the upset friend. She used to be in politics in the town where she lives. If I called the cops odds are the cop would know her & all the local media would know the address She'd end up in the news.

 

I do think showing up & hugging her helped but I'm terrified that because I am not a mental health professional I could inadvertently make it worse. Yet, I want to believe that simple human contact, a listening ear & some reassurance is more positive then negative. Granted it's no substitute for professional care but if she can get through tonight, maybe we can get real help tomorrow.

 

What does LS think?

 

I think you are an undercover angel for what you did and my hope is that everyone in the world has a friend like you.

[HiCrunchy]

Oh don. Ur such a sweet heart. I hope ur friend is feeling better

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Don

 

In response to your post it has me made up. Your behaviour exemplifies the love, compassion, caring and kindness that bares the hallmark of a true friend, and is an example for how people should behave, (I’m an older person) and how we used to before gadget/technology obsession changed the landscape of human interaction to become instead the toss away gesture of gadget interaction such as a meaningless text message. You are a wonderful supportive friend and did nothing to harm and everything to help. People world over would love to have a friend like you, I have no doubt.

 

I don’t know much about a lot of things, but if I may, I do know a fair bit about psychology (adult psychology/ psychotherapy) Rogerian Person Centered Therapy, Jungian, and Transactional Analysis. If you’d like to message me further about your friend, please do. I don’t want to thread jack and go off topic.

 

I will leave you with this thought from my own practice which applies to any relationship be it friendship, partners, parents, siblings etc: “the best places to heal emotional wounds as within the confines of loving relationships and the room of your therapist.”

[Zapbasket]

I think you are an undercover angel for what you did and my hope is that everyone in the world has a friend like you.

 

THIS. I've been the friend and the helping friend in this situation. As the one who was very depressed and seeing no way out, extreme isolation made it much worse. I lived where I knew few people and it wasn't an option, or didn't feel like one, to up and move in that kind of down mental state, and so I had to push through alone and looking back, the isolation made it 100x more difficult. If someone like you had shown up at my door, recognized I was in trouble, and kept checking in on me, it would have given me just that little boost of hope and energy needed to make more productive, rather than desperate, decisions about how to proceed. I came out ok, but that's because I am stubborn to a fault...and I did have the help of an excellent therapist, a very low dose of antidepressant (for a short time), and of course, the good people of LoveShack.

 

When I was in your shoes, it was hard, because you feel like you're stepping into a mine field. I, too, asked myself whether I was making it worse, especially since the friend was claiming she was fine, would be fine, etc., when clearly she was not. It took me INSISTING that I spend the night with her so she wasn't alone in the worst of it, and I helped her clean up her place and bought her groceries even as she protested. But when it was all over, she thanked me.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. It sounds like she really does want to help herself, and that's a good thing, because it's the one thing you can't force someone to want.

Edited June 30, 2018 by GreenCove

[BaileyB]

I once had a friend who was threatening suicide. There was nothing we could do, she had to find her own way out of her depression...

 

But, myself and another friend, we made sure to call or text every day. My friend told me, when she was in a better place, that this simple gesture probably saved her life. I blew it off... but, she said “just knowing there was someone out there who cared made all the difference. It gave me the strength I needed to keep going...”

 

Don’t underestimate the power of love.

[d0nnivain]

I haven't heard from her today but she seemed better yesterday & was still searching for a therapist.

 

I got her to not kill herself Monday so I did something right.

 

She seems to be past that crisis right now. Only time will tell but I have faith that the strong intelligent woman will find her way through the rash of s**t she's struggling through right now.

[Funny bunny]

You are a blessing in her life. Keep doing what you’re doing. This made me tear up. You mentioned she is religious, does she have a home church? Can she speak with a pastor? Spiritual support in addition to your presence, her boyfriend or ex for now can prevent her from going off the deep end. The manager is being a freaking jerk. Can she switch jobs? Maybe go to an agency or if you know anyone that has a business that can employ her. Tell her we think of her.