My boyfriend is very depressed, what can I do?

[Dried]

Hi Guys,

I need advice and your point of view.

 

I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and it is about 6 hours away. I didn't know he was struggling with severe depression and what he has been through after he mentioned 2-3 months after we've been dating. He's taking medicine for it too. My boyfriend is quite self-centered and he has a tendency to think everything I do or feel is because of him (mostly about bad stuff). He has some anger ''problems'', I've always been trying to do my best to understand and be calm. It has been very difficult to talk and solve things when it becomes bad. When we argue, he often becomes angry and doesn't want to talk about it. He can be very upset about small things, for e.g. not buying a thing he wants for him (with his money). If I didn't do those things, he'd use ''if you loved me..'' or ''I feel disappointed..''. Even if I'd explain and try to make him to understand me. I feel he doesn't want to. He brings up about things that I've done that hurt him even though I've apologized many times and explained. We seldom are able discuss properly and solve it ''peacefully''.

 

I'm not a outgoing person and it has been very difficult for him to understand that I ''like'' to be quiet. I don't mind if he's the one to talk a lot. There always has been something that doesn't satisfy him or makes him sad because how I have been as a person or are as person. I try my best to change things for us.

 

He's very dependant on me. If I'm happy then he's happy. I feel a responbility to make him happy and it feels like I can't be sad. I've told him when I'm sad and it can go on for a day because I need that time to ''recover'' myself. He feels useless that he can't help me even though I've told him that I'm happy that he's trying and it helps me. He becomes very depressed when this happens and I've to console him. I blame myself a lot and apologize. I'm very scared of conlicts and have a hard time to handle conflicts. However, I feel I've been caught with the depression and the things that have been happening. Therefore, I've done things that hurt him I don't mean to and I always apologize for my actions.

 

He has suicidal thoughts too and I feel at fault because he said that he told me but I couldn't do what he needed the most. I don't know any other numbers, like to his parents or friends either. I'm scared he'll do it and he has said he might.

 

There's a lot more to add I'm sorry if its messy written.

 

What's your advice/point of view? What can I do?

[d0nnivain]

You can't make him happy & it's not your responsibility.

 

If he's on meds that means he has a doctor. Is he also getting talk therapy besides the pills? If not, suggest that he start. Happy pills can only do so much.

 

You also need to be careful. His statements that "If you loved him" or him blaming you for how he feels are red flags.

[Dried]

I've been asking about it but it seems like he doesn't want to say much about it. He it's a therapist he's going to and it seems like they don't talk much. They mostly check on the medicine he's taking I think.

 

I've told him how I feel about his statements but there hasn't been any changes. :/

 

Thank you for answering!!

[d0nnivain]

Therapists talk. They aren't licensed to deal with meds. Psychiatrists -- medical doctors -- check on the meds but don't talk. Your BF needs 2 professionals in his life.

[Dried]

I see. Then it must be a psychatrists.. I'm not sure. He has told me that it's only one person, they talk but not much and ''that person'' is the one that gives him medicine.. It's usually 30 mins each time he's there.

[d0nnivain]

He needs talk therapy. Encourage him to go to somebody he sees for 1 hour per week to discuss his troubles. That will help him fix the problems. The pills just mask the symptoms. They should only be taken & stopped under a doctor's supervision but IMO they must be augmented with talk therapy.

[OldSoulB]

You can't make him happy & it's not your responsibility.

 

If he's on meds that means he has a doctor. Is he also getting talk therapy besides the pills? If not, suggest that he start. Happy pills can only do so much.

 

You also need to be careful. His statements that "If you loved him" or him blaming you for how he feels are red flags.

 

What Donnivain said. You can't help depressed people. If anything, you thinking you can help them by doing stuff for them etc., might actually make it worse. The most you can do is talk to them when they want to talk, and try to bring up or make near-future plans for them to look forward to as often as you can. For example make him look forward to the next time you guys are going to meet up. Or if you know there's a movie he's looking forward to, to remind him what date it's going to release and how it's closing in etc. Stuff like that.

 

The reason depressed people are depressed is because they feel helpless or useless to themselves or towards others. So the more you try and be close to them and help them, the more they find stuff to lament about on how useless they've been to you or how they could've done such and such better or worse, how they've made you miserable. That can do them in hard.

 

Just try and better yourself, and if you can use something he's said to you or something he's done and tell him how it has inspired you etc. might also help.

[Happy Lemming]

I'll share my experience, if you want to read it.

 

My long term girlfriend of 6 years has horrible depression. It's like riding a bad roller coaster of ups and downs. She has been on myriad of meds, sometimes 2 different meds at the same time. Nothing really seems to work, for long. She's seen a doctor/therapist (one on one), done all kinds of "group therapy" and that doesn't help either.

 

At one point, the doctor took her off all of her meds. I have no idea why, but things got really really BAD!! I told her get back to that doctor and get on something, immediately.

 

I've tried taking her on trips, various adventures to no avail. She'll be happy temporarily, but then something will trigger a downward spiral. As an example, the "Roku" remote wasn't working properly one evening and she had a complete meltdown. I mean who screams at a remote control. When she calms down, she never apologizes for her behavior, it is always someone else's fault.

 

If I could "mirror" some of your examples. It seems "monetary" issues really set her off. She'll compare what her sister has and does to what she has and what we do. This will set her off. And of course, I'm a cheap so and so, because I can't keep up with her sister's extravagant vacations. Social media is a curse for her depression, in my opinion.

 

We don't live together and I only see her on the weekends. I'm actually thinking about trying to change our arrangement to every other weekend, because of her depression.

 

In conclusion, I can't change or fix this "depression monster" that she is fighting. I can accept it, deal with it in metered doses or say "good-bye" and move on.

 

Best of luck...