Dated 5 months, he said he was in love then he disappeared

July 12, 2018

Littlebridge, I am going to chime in here and make an observation. Your ex might have been a sociopath. I am not a professional, but he seems to possess most of those traits.

They are very, very good at faking love. As a matter of fact they over-do the faking to make up for any real emotions of which they are devoid of, so they overcompensate with sex, infatuation and adulation. After things started to become real, where you start to question the status of the relationship, they usually disappear....on to the next victim. Later you find out, that you did not mean nearly as much to them as they've duped you into believing. What is amazing, is the ease in which they move on. It is usually through ghosting or a slow fade. But move on they do. Victims are often left reeling from the abruptness of their departure, with a broken heart and a million unanswered questions. In the meantime, the sociopath has already lined up another victim to love-bomb.....all without your knowledge. Even though you've mentioned that he is still in love with his ex, it could have all been a lie. They are usually pathological liars with a really high sexual libido and have always managed to keep a harem at hand.

I may be way off, but this is something for you to ponder. Please read as much data that you can find on sociopaths. That may give you some insight on your ex.

My advice to you is to block and maintain strict NC and mourn the loss of the relationship. It is a pattern with them and usually they are off repeating the same things with their next victim.

Remember this, there is nothing you could have done to keep him from moving on as they are fundamentally damaged people.

July 12, 2018

Littlebridge, I am going to chime in here and make an observation. Your ex might have been a sociopath. I am not a professional, but he seems to possess most of those traits.

They are very, very good at faking love. As a matter of fact they over-do the faking to make up for any real emotions of which they are devoid of, so they overcompensate with sex, infatuation and adulation. After things started to become real, where you start to question the status of the relationship, they usually disappear....on to the next victim. Later you find out, that you did not mean nearly as much to them as they've duped you into believing. What is amazing, is the ease in which they move on. It is usually through ghosting or a slow fade. But move on they do. Victims are often left reeling from the abruptness of their departure, with a broken heart and a million unanswered questions. In the meantime, the sociopath has already lined up another victim to love-bomb.....all without your knowledge. Even though you've mentioned that he is still in love with his ex, it could have all been a lie. They are usually pathological liars with a really high sexual libido and have always managed to keep a harem at hand.

I may be way off, but this is something for you to ponder. Please read as much data that you can find on sociopaths. That may give you some insight on your ex.

My advice to you is to block and maintain strict NC and mourn the loss of the relationship. It is a pattern with them and usually they are off repeating the same things with their next victim.

Remember this, there is nothing you could have done to keep him from moving on as they are fundamentally damaged people.

It's interesting that you bring this up. I'll look into the sociopathic traits, I would say maybe you could be on to something. For sure I noticed the narcissistic tendencies. I don't know much about sociopathy but I know a lot firsthand, about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I went through every textbook thing you read and hear about it, down to the lovebombing, isolation, gaslighting, jealousy, controlling behaviors, to rejection, then returning, then when I finally rejected him for good and cut him off after years of this cycle, he stalked me, threatened suicide, vandalized my car, basically every horrible thing you can read about narcissistic abuse to the worst degree. So I know a lot about those behaviors. When that ex from years ago dumped me, more than twice, he would keep his hooks in me not to lose me completely and would come back romancing and doing anything he could to reel me back in. It was a terrible, traumatic experience I had in my twenties. And I didn't want any kind of serious relationship again for several years after.

So with this guy, when we met I found it thrilling and exciting to be swept up in his increasing urgency to see me and romance and the passionate sex. It was like he was fixated on me and couldn't get enough. I hadn't felt that way for a long time and wanted it badly. I'm a sucker for romance and he gave it to me. We were spending multiple days a week together from the start, eventually days and nights on end. He would call me sometimes until I answered because he just HAD to see me or at least talk to me. It was very intense. I would call it love bombing, and since the break up I've been listening to a lot of YouTube videos about signs of narcissism because maybe my intuition was speaking to me, some things seemed kind of like deja vu.

After seeing me three times in the first week of dating, the following week he invited me for dinner at his place. I walked in to candles lit everywhere, wine, music, the meal that he made to impress me and win me over, the special table setting. Very, very romantic. I gave him brownie points but it was clear what he was trying to accomplish. It worked. The romance never stopped until it stopped cold turkey. He was the most affectionate romantic man I've ever been with and I fell hard. It felt wonderful.

I also noticed that he was jealous or seemed to be jealous of other men who he perceived as his competition or who he thought were interested in me. I didn't think much of that and took it as an indication that he really liked me and wanted me all to himself but obviously that wasn't the case. I'm not sure I would go so far as to say he was controlling. One thing that jumped out at me though was that when I saw his text to his ex, what he said to her rubbed me the wrong way... it reminded me of something my bad ex would say to me after he dumped me and still wanted to keep his hooks in me so he could come back. Just what he said in that text to her sent off an alarm bell.

I think that he did exhibit some classic narcissistic traits, the love bombing, adulation, infatuation, devaluation, discard, ghosting. Usually narcissists come back when they can't find another good source or they don't want to lose you as their supply because you fed their ego in a way that felt too good to lose, but I think in his case he just moved on to someone else or wanted validation from others to repeat the same pattern.

OR he's just simply in it as a newly single guy to play the field and he didn't have the guts to tell me that he didn't want to commit to being with only me. He told me he wasn't ready for a new relationship because he just got out of one. There was likely truth in that. But he kept pursuing me because wanted to have all the good stuff like my company, friendship and sex, but keeping it at an arms length after things started getting more serious. I wanted more than that. So he left.

I think he really is overall a good guy but he was very concerned with being well liked by people, he liked being the center of attention, he's very energetic and sophisticated and intelligent. But I also noticed that he had some quirks and at times there seemed to be something deeper beneath the surface, something....... a little dark. It was like... he was often very much in his thoughts and I thought to myself once or twice,"he's an odd bird." Once towards the end he said something like,"I'm a little crazy, and you've stuck around all this time..." I said in response, "well, maybe we're a little crazy together". He also had some sexual kinkiness that I admit got me even more love drunk. Maybe I brought it out of him, who knows. We had a great sexual compatibility and a lot of passion. He would say that he's never had that kind of compatibility with anyone, even in long term relationships, and I agree, we had that special 'oomph' and boy did it get me hooked and he was very vocal about how into me sexually he was. Actually I was the one with the higher libido but sometimes the sex was kind of...wild.

I haven't felt the need to block him because I believe he's not coming back otherwise he would have by now. But I finally deleted his number about a month ago. As far as NC there hasn't been any on either side for 4 months. So I'm not really worried about him popping back up and contacting me at this point, although.... it could happen, but I think he knows he was a coward and it's been so long.. what would he even say?! He's probably too embarrassed. The last time I saw him we had a really great evening together, romantic, close, cooking dinner, talking for hours, having incredible sex, playing music together, it was like it always was. At some point during the evening he was observing me and said, thinking out loud almost, "you're really a good woman". I think he felt guilty. And so he stopped his pursuit very suddenly. He may have some narcissistic or maybe even sociopathic qualities but I think he just knew I was more into him and I wanted more than he wanted to give. So he took the easy way out, in his mind he left it on good terms and just kind of disappeared, using his planned trip out of the country as his escape route.

I think he did still have feelings for his ex that he needed to heal and move on from. I don't believe that was a lie or that he's devoid of emotions by any means. I just think he is immature.

What I would have liked and never will get is the closure of the conversation of goodbye. I think that's why it's been so hard for me to get over. It was never a clear ending or explanation, verbally anyway.

I've been through three previous serious breakups, and they all ended with a final conversation that was clear and evident. I've dated men that I didn't click with and had no emotional bond or friendship with and it just fizzled out and we never said goodbye or had a 'breakup talk'. I guess what I'm saying is that in some cases the disappearing act doesn't come as any surprise when both parties just aren't feeling 'it'. In other normal circumstances a person would tell the other that they can't continue the relationship because xyz and then leave and at the very least pretend to offer a friendship with no intention of being friends and not contact the other person and not to continue to pursue them romantically. My last relationship ended respectfully and civilly and we said goodbye and we remained friends because we love and respect each other. I thought at least that would happen here, but he never loved me. He was all in for 4 months, then he was half way out for a month, then he was gone. It's been very hard to understand, so I've really stopped trying to.

But, I admit I still think of him often, and very much miss the connection we had.

July 13, 2018

I dated an ass too... Started amazingly romantic, then poof, gone. No rational explanation, only gave some BS "it's not you, it's me" reasons.

As much as it hurt both my heart and ego, I had to stop trying to think of the "why?". We'll probably never get a logical true answer. Best to wash your hands clean and stop giving him another moment of your life by thinking of him.

July 13, 2018

[]

So with this guy, when we met I found it thrilling and exciting to be swept up in his increasing urgency to see me and romance and the passionate sex. It was like he was fixated on me and couldn't get enough. I hadn't felt that way for a long time and wanted it badly. I'm a sucker for romance and he gave it to me. We were spending multiple days a week together from the start, eventually days and nights on end. He would call me sometimes until I answered because he just HAD to see me or at least talk to me. It was very intense. I would call it love bombing, and since the break up I've been listening to a lot of YouTube videos about signs of narcissism because maybe my intuition was speaking to me, some things seemed kind of like deja vu.

After seeing me three times in the first week of dating, the following week he invited me for dinner at his place. I walked in to candles lit everywhere, wine, music, the meal that he made to impress me and win me over, the special table setting. Very, very romantic. I gave him brownie points but it was clear what he was trying to accomplish. It worked. The romance never stopped until it stopped cold turkey. He was the most affectionate romantic man I've ever been with and I fell hard. It felt wonderful.

[]

I understand all of the wonderful things he did for you...which is normal for those types. And they are pretty good at convincing you that it is real. But anyone with real emotions wouldn't leave all of those loving feelings behind. There is a possibility that the feelings could have been "real" during the times you were together.... though doubtful, but they were not genuine and therefore unsustainable. He left because he just could not keep up the charade anymore.

The only way you could move on is to accept that he was using you for his own selfish needs. He knows that he could not go the extra mile so he ghosted. He might be back, but please do not ever think that him returning means that he loves you. If he did he would never have left you.

I dated one of those types for 1.5 years and he ended up ghosting me too, so I can totally relate to what you're going through.

Edited July 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

July 13, 2018

As much as it hurt both my heart and ego, I had to stop trying to think of the "why?". We'll probably never get a logical true answer. Best to wash your hands clean and stop giving him another moment of your life by thinking of him.

I know, I'll never get the answer that I want. I've had to accept that. I know my that time is wasted by thinking of him. But I'm truly trying!! It's taking longer than I thought, especially with the reminders... I've done all I can to eliminate them. This week I moved the pictures away, I actually blocked him on Bumble today because I don't want to keep seeing him pop up. I discovered even if you swipe left on someone they still come back in your queue. So I removed that possibility. Unfortunately, it's likely that we may run into each other in my neighborhood as he frequents the area and in the beginning I did see his car a couple times. But, who knows, maybe not.

I understand all of the wonderful things he did for you...which is normal for those types. And they are pretty good at convincing you that it is real. But anyone with real emotions wouldn't leave all of those loving feelings behind. There is a possibility that the feelings could have been "real" during the times you were together.... though doubtful, but they were not genuine and therefore unsustainable. He left because he just could not keep up the charade anymore.

The only way you could move on is to accept that he was using you for his own selfish needs. He knows that he could not go the extra mile so he ghosted. He might be back, but please do not ever think that him returning means that he loves you. If he did he would never have left you.

I dated one of those types for 1.5 years and he ended up ghosting me too, so I can totally relate to what you're going through.

I'm sorry something similar happened to you. I'm curious, What specifically made you suggest in my situation that there might be something like sociopathic tendencies involved?

I never had reason to doubt that his feelings for me were genuine at the time. Obviously not sustainable otherwise he would still be here. Why the need for a 'charade'? It was like he was doing everything he could to win me over and once I started to fall in love he started to run for the hills.

When I first met him I honestly wasn't all that sure about him but within the first weeks something ignited and it snowballed fast. He really pursued me, more than any other man I've dated, even more than the men who became my long term relationships. I thought for certain it was because he was REALLY into me and even my friends commented. There was never a time that I felt insecure about how he felt about me or if he was interested, he never kept me waiting or wondering. He was always present and consistent, going out of his way to spend time with me, even if it was just for one hour. It blindsided me when he started to pump the brakes and laid the "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" line. The things he did...seemed to speak volumes and I had no reason to doubt it. I was convinced that as time went on he was showing signs of falling in love, well, maybe infatuation. He would say often thank you for being so patient, I really care about you, I just a little more time... giving me reason to believe he was going through a tough spot and to take it slow but that the END GOAL was to be a couple. He led me to believe that's where it was going! I was truly enjoying it and getting to know him and letting things develop.

What haunts me the most is that he said how much he values me and respects me and how special our friendship and connection is... who knows, maybe we'll even get married someday... it's very difficult to believe that was fake or calculated. But it wasn't the sustainable truth... otherwise we'd still be in each others' lives. Although... we both knew we couldn't just be platonic friends. We couldn't even be casual and never were FWB. We were exclusively dating, as far as I knew anyway... maybe he lied about that, although we spent so much time together I didn't ever worry after we dated about a month, he was spending all his free time with me and told me he wasn't dating anyone else and wanted to know if I was. In my mind we had the exclusive talk 2 months in, his initiative, he referred to himself as my "boyfriend" right around that time.... then something switched in him. I think it finally came to a point where we both knew it had to be an all or nothing thing. Like you said, he couldn't (or didn't want to) go the extra mile, so he bounced.

After we said goodnight the last time seeing each other, kissed good night, he did contact me the day after, almost as if to let me know he was thinking of me, I thought for certain that he'd be eagerly trying to see me before he left on his trip... but to my surprise, he didn't. The last time we communicated was a couple days before he was set to leave and I knew then in the pit of my stomach that he was already 'gone'. Just the week before he had talked about looking into dance lessons for us the month ahead, weekly lessons. That was also the same night he said he was in love... but that was during a moment of passion, so who knows if that was really true either. I do know that emotions were definitely involved on both sides though.... at the time.

Why do men leave good women? It makes no sense. He complimented me that I was the sweetest woman he's ever dated and how I treated him so well, I did something to him, the sex was the best, how special our friendship was, how much he cared about me, how I'm such a catch, how wonderful and what a doll I am.

I don't think he will come back because he ghosted and now looks bad. He'd have to come back with his tail between his legs if he were to ever do that and I don't think he will swallow his pride or put himself in that position. Also, as a single guy, now a whole year out of a long term relationship, he's probably pulling chicks left and right. He's handsome, charming, sexy and romantic. He can win over other women like he did with me. And I'm sure other women out there are easier and just want something casual, unlike me. So he's likely occupied with that. I want something deeper and he apparently was not into that idea and/or just wasn't into me that much. For that reason, I don't think he has any incentive or reason to come back. There was a time in the first month or so that I thought he might return but he didn't. In my mind, the window has closed. BUT I know that if he ever does, it's not because he loves me. It would be because he a) realized he made a big mistake and wants a second chance, or b) because his well ran dry. I don't see either one as likely.

The good news is that I AM ready to move on, and I realize that other men do and will see those same things in me and will stick around and not be iffy about it or half in. I've been out with a couple guys since but my heart hasn't really been into it. I went out with someone in March about 4 times an he was great but he was decent enough to tell me he didn't feel we had a solid connection and we wished each other the best. I thanked him for being a gentleman about it and we both said we had a great time either way.

See, that's how it's supposed to look. When someone isn't into you or not feeling it, they say that, if they're a stand up person. When you KNOW there is something between you and both parties are communicating that, it makes no sense that someone would drop off the face of the earth.

I have a second date with someone I met online this Saturday night and I'm looking forward to it. We really clicked on our first date a couple days ago. Funny story, we matched a couple months ago and he was transferring to my state for work in June. I told him I wasn't interested in talking across state lines and if we were both still available then we could reconnect once he moved here. So we did. We didn't talk at all over those two months so it was going in pretty blind. We had a great date. So I'm beginning to feel more positive. He's taking the initiative and that's a good sign so far. He doesn't beat around the bush and I like that. I also have a male friend that I've had a crush on for years that I'm getting closer with lately and in the past 6 months or so he seems to be showing increasing interest in being more than friends ( I have another thread about that situation).

Anyway, I'm starting to feel better and putting this behind me. I still feel the need to write about it sometimes and it always helps to get feedback.

July 13, 2018

I know, I'll never get the answer that I want. I've had to accept that. I know my that time is wasted by thinking of him. But I'm truly trying!! It's taking longer than I thought, especially with the reminders... I've done all I can to eliminate them. This week I moved the pictures away, I actually blocked him on Bumble today because I don't want to keep seeing him pop up. I discovered even if you swipe left on someone they still come back in your queue. So I removed that possibility. Unfortunately, it's likely that we may run into each other in my neighborhood as he frequents the area and in the beginning I did see his car a couple times. But, who knows, maybe not.

You're definitely taking the right steps! During my breakup, what everyone was telling me was that time would heal all... and while it's annoying to have to let time take its toll on us, it does help.

You're also doing another thing that helped me- be on this site! I find that reading about all of these other relationships and all of their problems, many that were similar from what I've experienced, is super helpful! You'll start seeing patterns or bad habits that your guy had after those men were super romantic and sweet, so it'll make him feel less special with time.

July 14, 2018

I know, I'll never get the answer that I want. I've had to accept that. I know my that time is wasted by thinking of him. But I'm truly trying!! It's taking longer than I thought, especially with the reminders...
<SNIP>

The reason that I believe that he may be a sociopath, because a healthy minded guy do not tell a woman that he loves them and that he wants to marry them and then bailed.

He love bombed you and got you hooked. You see, this is all part of their game. From a logical point of view, if something...or being with someone feels great, you will want more of it, so you will continue to be with them. To do the opposite and discard said person or thing, speaks to an unhealthy mind. They cannot deal with "realness". What they convey to their victims is usually fake love, flattery and future faking, which is quickly forgotten once you started to push for more. And then they ultimately disappear.

I am just trying to explain their mode of operation, so you would understand that it was just a game to them. A con game...to satisfy a craving for something that they are unable to feel...real love. So they manufacture it.

You are doing the right thing in staying NC. I blocked mine since he disappeared and I am also getting much stronger. Helping me to understand the dynamics of these broken souls behavior have also helped to propelled my healing and I have no intentions of unblocking.

Glad that you are dating. Be careful as you are not really healed as they can mindf**ked you to the point of insanity if you continue to fall for their charms. I am not so sure that he will not return. He may be back for an ego boost or to try and reclaim his pedestal in your life.

Stay strong!

Edited July 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 14, 2018

I'm going to second the idea that this guy might have been a narcissist or a sociopath. Mind you, this is purely conjecture and I don't have any degrees to back this up, just experience with a woman who displayed similar tendencies.

All the praise he heaped upon you was the first thing that caught my eye, as if you were some kind of a trophy. The way he would just look at you and marvel at your greatness sounds like he was putting you on a pedestal to masturbate his own ego. I went through this same treatment with my narc girlfriend. She was always praising me, but it always felt like she was talking to herself when she did it, or showing off how great her life was to other people. Like in the case of my ex, your guy's admiration for you ultimately just left you confused when his actions didn't correspond with his words.

It really sounds like this guy's design was to say and do anything that would get you hooked on him. He wasn't in love but he really liked the idea of getting this amazing woman to fall in love with him. He got off on the passion and the romance and all the trappings of falling in love minus the part where he would have needed to care about your feelings. Instead, he just continually reeled you in, keeping the flames of passion burning while giving himself the out of not being ready for a serious relationship.

He acted like a giant baby when confronted with the idea of you having other male admirers because he's an insecure little boy who'll throw tantrums if needed to establish control, and he disappeared because at no point did he ever feel he owed you anything. Narcissists have no empathy or respect for others. They feel completely entitled to take what they want and do what they want with it, and if you ever confronted him about this, he would likely tell you that you are somehow to blame.

Again, disclaimer... this is conjecture, but several things in your story reminded me very much of my narcissist ex. I may be totally wrong, but perhaps it's something to consider. I do think you're much better off without him.

July 14, 2018

I was this guy. Except I dated my ex bf for nearly a year before abruptly breaking it off.

I was being genuine too; I never faked liking him. I was all over him and thought we had something special too.

I only later discovered that I was in fact,not truly in love with him at all. and had began dating him whilst I was not in any position to find what I was looking for in a relationship.

I dated him to desperately (try) and escape the fact I wanted to meet a guy who validated me, was super into me and basically - I wanted to meet my soul mate lol. My friend had met what she thought was her "soul mate" at the time and they were just so great together (whilst they lasted), that I wanted what SHE was getting.....

At the time I WAS into him and I WASN'T faking anything. It was more my subconscious mind dictating that I was impatient and therefore needed to manifest a connection out of desperation to fill a void.

So yeah, it is entirely possible to be totally into someone only to change your mind! Happened to me and it happened to an ex dating partner of mine too! He was definitely into me at the TIME; but then realised that me and my personality and the person I was, was not what he wanted in any meaningful way - OR he could have been secretly married and only found me attractive who bloody knows!

It just plain sucks that we will never really know what they were thinking! Even if we did - it wouldn't change the outcome anyway, so just take comfort in knowing that he likely WAS very much into you at the time and found you very desirable and attractive!

Most people are not sociopathic A holes who go around pretending to be super into women just to get some sex. They do what feels good at the time, rather than lie for personal gain in most instances. What feels good is a mutual connection and attraction so he clearly felt those things for a time.

July 14, 2018

by the way - the thing with timing.... Sometimes, people end ten year relationships only to go on to find the love of their lives instantly! True story, I have personally known a girl who did this.

Usually though, this occurs once the guy has realised that he has lost the spark with the ex concerned and has a gut feeling and hence acceptance, that he is no longer in love. I have seen THOSE guys date immediately after even a long relationship or marriage..

If the guy still has feelings but the ex was incompatible - then the feelings still linger and the relationship would have ended due to him being dumped OR due to not being compatible but still having feelings.... Guys in this predicament will not just "move on". If anything were to happen to my Fiance or he were to leave, I would be so shell shocked (as I know in my heart we have true feelings and are in love) - that I would not bloody want anyone else for a LONG time, if at all (true connections are hard to find).

The third option - he knows in his heart his ex was not the "One" but it was more you than him not being ready. The right woman may well have secured a relationship with him.

In summary: he is either still into his ex, he discovered that you were just not the One, or you may have been the One but he is genuinely not in the right place...

The latter option is the most rare; most men will not let the One go or they will come back (VERY exceedingly rare and only happens in the movies usually) - MOST likely, his ex was a " the One" type of connection, and he has just not met an equivalent yet.

July 14, 2018

The reason that I believe that he may be a sociopath, because a healthy minded guy do not tell a woman that he loves them and that he wants to marry them and then bailed.

He love bombed you and got you hooked. You see, this is all part of their game. From a logical point of view, if something...or being with someone feels great, you will want more of it, so you will continue to be with them. To do the opposite and discard said person or thing, speaks to an unhealthy mind. They cannot deal with "realness". What they convey to their victims is usually fake love, flattery and future faking, which is quickly forgotten once you started to push for more. And then they ultimately disappear.

I am just trying to explain their mode of operation, so you would understand that it was just a game to them. A con game...to satisfy a craving for something that they are unable to feel...real love. So they manufacture it.

You are doing the right thing in staying NC. I blocked mine since he disappeared and I am also getting much stronger. Helping me to understand the dynamics of these broken souls behavior have also helped to propelled my healing and I have no intentions of unblocking.

Glad that you are dating. Be careful as you are not really healed as they can mindf**ked you to the point of insanity if you continue to fall for their charms. I am not so sure that he will not return. He may be back for an ego boost or to try and reclaim his pedestal in your life.

Stay strong!

Thank you. Like I said, little things set off triggers of deja vu for me of my textbook narc ex. I think the jealousy (or possessiveness) and the power play sex and what he said in his text to his ex really were red flags.

I don't know for sure if this is true, but he said he left her for the second time because although she had good qualities, that she was an "angry selfish person". When he was dating me, we had spent the week of Christmas together, every day and night. I looked over and saw, "I miss you A, no need to respond." I don't know how long ago he had sent that or if it was that night, or months before. The thing is.... if you break up with someone ONCE or even TWICE, you don't say that. Even if he was the one who got dumped, you still don't even say that. It just reeks of control, and I think that's what reminded me of my ex who was a textbook narcissist. Moreover, you don't text your ex when you're spending days and nights with a new woman because you wouldn't dare do anything to jeopardize that. My ex called me on my birthday and I was with this guy. He wondered who was calling so late and I didn't even look at the phone. But I told my ex later who called (we are still good friends) please don't call me, I'm seeing someone and I don't want to jeopardize my new relationship (or pseudo relationship).

I'm going to second the idea that this guy might have been a narcissist or a sociopath. Mind you, this is purely conjecture and I don't have any degrees to back this up, just experience with a woman who displayed similar tendencies.

All the praise he heaped upon you was the first thing that caught my eye, as if you were some kind of a trophy. The way he would just look at you and marvel at your greatness sounds like he was putting you on a pedestal to masturbate his own ego. I went through this same treatment with my narc girlfriend. She was always praising me, but it always felt like she was talking to herself when she did it, or showing off how great her life was to other people. Like in the case of my ex, your guy's admiration for you ultimately just left you confused when his actions didn't correspond with his words.

It really sounds like this guy's design was to say and do anything that would get you hooked on him. He wasn't in love but he really liked the idea of getting this amazing woman to fall in love with him. He got off on the passion and the romance and all the trappings of falling in love minus the part where he would have needed to care about your feelings. Instead, he just continually reeled you in, keeping the flames of passion burning while giving himself the out of not being ready for a serious relationship.

He acted like a giant baby when confronted with the idea of you having other male admirers because he's an insecure little boy who'll throw tantrums if needed to establish control, and he disappeared because at no point did he ever feel he owed you anything. Narcissists have no empathy or respect for others. They feel completely entitled to take what they want and do what they want with it, and if you ever confronted him about this, he would likely tell you that you are somehow to blame.

Again, disclaimer... this is conjecture, but several things in your story reminded me very much of my narcissist ex. I may be totally wrong, but perhaps it's something to consider. I do think you're much better off without him.

I agree. It felt good to block him at least on Bumble so I wouldn't have to see his picture keep popping up. I am doing everything I can to forget him but it's really mind F'ed me. He DID act like a giant baby about other men, if he wanted me all to himself he would've done what a normal man would do and has done, claim me as his girlfriend. When we were in public with other men around he was very territorial with me. I took that as an indication that he really liked me but I can see that there's maybe a little control factor in there. Even the last day we were together we were talking about dates we went on in the past with other people. I started to tell him about mine and he said he didn't want to hear about me being with other men.

And the sex, often it was very tender and 'making love', he was never aggressive but... there were times that I did resist him after what I thought was a breakup, and the more I resisted him the more aroused he would get. There were times he was very... dominating. He ripped off my shirt and panties once, things that he wanted to do in bed kind of pushed the envelope, I'm ok with that I have a healthy appetite and we had great sex but looking back he was a little wild and dominating in bed. Maybe nothing to be too concerned about but there was that element of control that I'm referring to.

He was pulling all the stops and I had no idea anything was wrong, I thought for certain we were heading into relationship territory or at least building something real... when one day I mentioned to him how I was concerned about the unprotected sex and the fact that I was going to go to the doctor and discuss birth control, but that I didn't want to take hormones at my age and not interfere with nature but wanted to avoid pregnancy at this time so I suggested the fertility method. He agreed that was a good idea and that he supported the no hormone idea. BTW, he was pulling out and occasionally would not pull out during certain times of the month, we used condoms twice in the beginning... but I think following that conversation, he started to realize how real it was and the risk of pregnancy was high if he continued with me. So a couple weeks after that he said he felt we should pump the brakes and the whole thing about still going through the heartbreak...yet he still wanted have frequent sex...

When you break it off with someone and say you want to just be friends for now, you don't continue pursuing them and having sex with them and making plans for the future and telling them how great they are and that you're in love with them. He did say that he wasn't ready for a new relationship and needed more time, so I guess in his mind he was honest that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. Unfortunately he told me that three months in deep. That's f'ed up. As soon as he 'realized' it, he should've left and left me alone, but he didn't.

I would like to write more but have to go. Thank you everyone, I'll check in later.

July 14, 2018

He probably just keep you around for the free pounding!

Also keep in mind that break up with usually seem to get back together in about six months Mark so there is that chance that the ex-girlfriend came back into the picture and who knows maybe she’s even pregnant but again who knows?

Things like this happen they happen to me and to many others the way you can look at this is to think that they probably just didn’t feel the same excitement of the same way you did otherwise it would’ve shown it with actions

I would recommend taking some time to restructure yourself personally instead of jumping into another relationship or dating right away

July 15, 2018

It's really hard to see things clearly when we're in that position. It feels good to believe them and have that hope that everything is going to turn out great. We get lost in the feelings and invest too much too soon. My narcissistic ex got into my head and would actually stop in the middle of sex if I suggested we use a condom. She said it showed that I didn't trust her or care about her. I didn't understand it but I gave in and had an orgasm inside her to prove that I trusted and cared about her. She later explained that she knew where she was in her cycle and that it was safe, but the truth is that I was an idiot to allow her to manipulate me into doing that. It makes me shiver to think of what my life might be like if she had gotten pregnant, but she was too much in my head for me to see it rationally at the time.

July 15, 2018

It really sounds like this guy's design was to say and do anything that would get you hooked on him. He wasn't in love but he really liked the idea of getting this amazing woman to fall in love with him. He got off on the passion and the romance and all the trappings of falling in love minus the part where he would have needed to care about your feelings. Instead, he just continually reeled you in, keeping the flames of passion burning while giving himself the out of not being ready for a serious relationship.

I've been thinking about this a lot today, and looking objectively I can see that his goal, in general, was to be well liked, by me and others. In a crowd he liked to be the center of attention, which is not always necessarily a bad thing, but it was like he REALLY wanted people to like him and trust him. My previous relationship was with a very extroverted attention seeker like this one but he wasn't toxic. I can see the difference now. When I started dating this guy (subject of this thread) my girlfriend pointed out how he was personality-wise very similar to my previous boyfriend. But this one seemed to be in it for selfish darker reasons. I've been learning more about narcissists and narc abuse and the element of control/power play is what sets it apart.

It still really gets me, really hurts me that someone could do what he did. I do have to take part in it, knowing that once he finally made the disclaimer that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend right now, I kept getting reeled back in, he had me hooked so I participated, knowing his newly revealed 'truth'. I desperately wanted things to be the way were, those days and nights of being totally close and intimate for the first blissful three months. I desired his attention the way he used to give it to me, I desired the togetherness and I wanted him 100%. I didn't want it to end. So I chased that feeling. Soon I found myself feeling discarded, no longer his #1 priority, no longer his #1 focus. He kept throwing me just enough of his desire and interest and flattery and I kept going back. I found myself feeling like I had to submit to his whims in order to keep him. I knew it was bad and there was a time that I told myself, "I have to tell him I need some space, I can't see him like this anymore. It hurts too much after what he said and the hot and cold, the days of silence". I wrote multiple drafts of texts and even a letter that I never sent. I couldn't bring myself to cut it off with him. Instead I stayed removed and he continued to pursue me, but on his own terms. Naturally I would jump at most chances to see him and be with him again, even though there were some times of strength on my part. Two weeks before the last time I saw him, he had texted me about his shirt that I had worn home the last time I slept at his place. He kept hanging that damn shirt over my head as an excuse to see me, he kept dragging it out. I even offered to leave it in my lobby but he thought that was ridiculous and insisted he get it back in person and that he wanted to cash in on that dinner I offered weeks before. He called a couple times and I didn't answer. One night I woke up to several missed calls from him.. that was his thing.. he would call me very urgently, from the very beginning. I took it as exciting and thrilling, that he just MUST have me or at least talk to me, but towards the end I saw it as more of a sign of instability than anything else. I never acknowledged those missed calls. A day later he texted that he was heading to my neighborhood and that he wanted to get his shirt and can he come by now or within the hour or so? I said I wasn't home yet but check in with me in the hour or so. I expected that he would but I heard nothing all day. He kept me waiting around thinking that he would be coming by. I let it drop, it was his damn shirt and I just wanted to get rid of it at that point. I almost mailed it to him. The next day, he texted me as if that never happened. He said how he wanted to get his shirt back and see me and how I had promised that dinner and when can he get both? I was miffed, I said that offer of dinner may have expired and that he needed to strike while the iron was hot, and I can leave the shirt in the lobby so he can get it any time he likes. It was almost cruel the way he said it, "your iron cools quickly, you just made that offer less than two weeks ago" I said "you've been cool yourself" (meaning that he hadn't contacted me for days before or SHOWN UP the day before when he said he was in the neighborhood and wanted to "get the shirt".) I was really fed up at that point. "I was busy with work, you have a phone too" (turning it around on me as if it was MY fault we hadn't talked or seen each other for over a week). I said I was busy until the end of the week so it would have to wait until then. He switched to being very nice and sweet. "Ok, we're on for Sunday, let me know if you free up earlier ". Then we started talking about his upcoming trip. I said something like how I envied him, to think of being on a tropical beach, warm water, sand, all my favorite things. He said, and this still gets me to this day, "you'll be there in thought, littlebridge." The next morning first thing he insisted on seeing me that same night. "I think dinner with me tonight is better than your other plans." I said no, we went back and forth the entire day, but he wouldn't take it for an answer. Somehow he wore me down to meet him, he rebuffed all my other offers or suggestions and I found myself agreeing to meet him where HE picked for dinner and where HE wanted to go. I was desperate, and it was ugly. I felt like a desperate doormat. I had other plans that I dropped because I wanted to see him so badly and he had kept me on the hook in the days prior and I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be with him so badly. When I walked in, he lit up like a million watts and as dinner wore on he couldn't take his eyes and hands off me. We were always so attracted to each other and he was drinking me in as if he hadn't seen me for months. He had counted the days since he had last seen me, he knew the exact date and how many days it had been since. He picked up on the fact that I was acting tense, and I said I wanted to talk to him (I was intending to tell him I can't see him anymore like we have been). His initial reaction was, "are you pregnant?" (He knew as well as I did that it was a likely possibility, we were having very risky unprotected sex the whole time we dated), I said no, he said "ok, but let's not talk about it here". By the time we were leaving the restaurant, he looked at me, kissed me and it was all over. He asked if I was coming home with him. I regretted it as soon as the words came out of my mouth... "yes". Once we were alone he was eager to get me into bed but I resisted and at one point put on my coat and started walking out. I said what I did about I don't want to be involved if he is still going through stuff with his ex, if he just wants to be single and play the field he should go figure things out and do that. He listened. I had my hand on his chest and he was laying back on his bed, looking like he was almost in pain, just DYING to have sex with me. He said, in all honesty, "I don't want to get into another relationship, I just got out of one!" I said ok, well I want more than that, and I started to leave. I said that I wanted him too but I don't have sex with one man and date other men, and if he wanted to date other women then I can't see him anymore. (that's what it means to me when someone says they don't want a girlfriend or a relationship). He stood up and stopped me from leaving and said, "I'm not dating other women." (maybe not at that time, but you're probably looking) and he took off my coat, kissed me, wrapped me up into his arms and proceeded to have very, very intimate, passionate sex and he was drinking me in completely, saying how beautiful and perfect and sexy and desirable I am and while in the act how he was in love, etc. He was worshipping me, in that moment. Funny, when he thought he could be losing me. Reeled me back in to spit me back out. Just days later, we saw each other for what would be the last time. And he did it again that last night too. And days after that, he was gone. He knew and I knew that I wanted more. For whatever reason, he decided he didn't. Some of my male friends say that he left because he didn't want to lead me on (any more than he already had). I realize that I'm not going to get the answer that I want but I still think about him daily. That romance, passion and connection, and friendship, so I thought, was incredible and I felt it was real. In the moment, I still believe it was genuine for him too. But to have all that and the last time we saw each other so good, almost every day for 5 months to nothing, silence for months... makes no sense, I don't wish this upon anyone. We never said goodbye, he just left. I never chased or demanded an answer because I knew that what he was offering wasn't good enough or what I want or need. So, it's for the best. Although it ended in a way that was hurtful, better that he isn't in my life at all if after getting to know me and seeing all I had to offer, he didn't want to go all in. He had plenty of time to figure that out. Instead he would rather be single, date multiple women, his ex, or just not have anything to do with me. I don't chase men. I don't have to.

The good news is that I've finally been excited about dating again, and I have a male friend who could potentially be a romantic prospect if one of us finally makes a move. I had a second date with a guy I met on Bumble tonight. So far so good. I've been out with a couple people since I got dumped but this guy I went out with tonight is the first one I'm really attracted to. So I'm definitely looking forward to seeing him again. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, finally.

July 15, 2018

Hi there,

I'm not sure if someone has mentioned this because although I read your story in depth at the beginning I simply couldn't read through it all (too tired, not that I'm not interested!).

He sounds like a Narcissist..and although you don't sound as traumatised as someone who has been through Narcissistic abuse, it may be because the relationship didn't progress into a much longer-term relationship... (and that while away he found someone else to get his Narcissist supply from and therefore simply 'moved on' without looking back).

Although there's a lot of pop-psychology out there about it, it is a very extreme condition that one can throughly investigate (not just answer 'pop quiz questions'!) due to needing to spot the signs....Because they are simply INCAPABLE of feeling empathy..it's not about faking emotion, they do mean it all when they say it (in their 'reality' since they can't really feel emotions like the rest of us so they have to LEARN how to look like they have those feelings, hence all the 'amazing romantic almost unbelievable perfect gentleman/boyfriend..i.e what we all seek and never seem to find!! They do it AND mean it but it's also because they NEED you to adore them..then slowly/quickly they start to deplete you as they need more and more of your affection and idolization and then start to put you down, gaslight you, become emotionally abusive etc etc when you can't meet their supply).

It's a dysfunction that unless treated (and there's not much successful treatement even IF they ever seek help since it is SUCH a deep pathology) will always be present and they simply move on and do it to the next person (although DO usually re-instigate at some stage (even years later!!). I highly recommend (not that you sound like you need it!! I REALLY admire you for how you handled it all, I would've been suicidal/trying to break down his door if that had happened to me!!! (I have anxiety-attatchment disorder, am a love addict/ and avoidant AND chronically co-dependent!! Yup and am on this site as a newbie after yet ANOTHER failed relationship!!) to ANYONE who has suffered Narcissist abuse to chek out Melanie Tonia Evans..cos although I didn't buy her healing method I read enough of her blogs to realise I had been used by a Narcissit and then spent MONTHS researching and healing from the realisation that that is what I had been through. I was traumatised for months (and have had lots of releationship break-ups but for some reason this one TOTALLY devastated me), especially since he was with another woman 2 weeks after we split up (I ended it though he made it virtually impossible for me to).

Glad to say that although this last relationship was (unfortunately) with a Fearful/Dismissve attachment disordered man at LEAST I will never fall for a Narcissist again (and to be fair to us both in this last relationship, we both tried...He simply wasn't in a space to be able to negotiate the intrinsic difficulites of this although we BOTH recognised and know about our dysfunctional attachment disorders and emotional dysfunctions (we're both in recovery, had extensive psychotherapy etc etc)... I was EXTREMELY sensitive to his behaviour since some of his behaviour RESEMBLED a Narcissist but I knew he wasn't..hence MORE research on my part!!!).

I'm REALLY inspired at how strong you've been around it all (sounds like you're just confused at wondering what on EARTH happened rather than it having shattered your world. And how you've never contacted him!!! WOW! You ARE my idol at the moment!! Warm wishes, Fairyfly

July 15, 2018

I agree with Fairfly that there is a definite disorder.

Whether he is a Narcissist or Sociopath (most of them share some of the same traits) but something is inherently wrong with him. Being involved with either of them, is a woman's worst nightmare. It is confusing to their victims at how they can display all of those loving feelings and still not want to escalate the relationship further. It is because it lacks depth and real emotion which makes it an Oscar worthy performance....but not in their world.

OP, you will be perplexed for a long time because you just cannot come to terms that someone could walk away from all of that love and sex. But this is what sets them apart from a non-disordered person. Their ability to move on to the next victim without any residual feelings. Without looking back. Mine confessed to me that he moves on fast. That should have been a red flag along with the many, many red flags that he consistently waved at me. Him discarding you the way he did, leave you no other options but to hang on to your dignity. You never want to ever feed his ego, by contacting him. He will just return to use you for more sex and abandon you again.

You are doing all of the right things by never contacting him.

Onward and upward!

July 15, 2018

My advice would be to focus on other things. Don't write pages about him and the relationship like you did here. It's not productive.

Ignore this! It absolutely IS productive. It gets your feelings out. Suppressing them by focusing on other things will not get you over this faster. But processing it, learning from it, feeling all the leftover emotions - that will. And writing is one of the best ways.

-

After reading your entire story, I strongly believe this guy was not truthful to you. He was texting his ex. Possibly others. VERY not cool.

Don't beat yourself up too much. This guy cast a SPELL on you. What you felt was not what he felt - it is sad to face this. He did you wrong. He knew what kind of lady you were (not casual), he knew he was not ready, and he pursued you for sex. I'm not saying he didn't fall in love, just that some men have much less ability to feel emotions, and can cut off their feelings very easily. He has the avoidant attachment style.

The best thing to learn from this, I think, is to develop incredibly strong boundaries and self-respect. Also, work on becoming extremely direct and assertive. Give yourself time limits for committment milestones, and if they aren't there, walk away. Don't stay friends. Don't communicate. The only time you can communicate is if they say they want to commit.

Truth be told, this guy probably needs years of work before he would be relatable. And, considering his ex had 4 years of history versus your 5 months - it is possible when he finally (if he finally) develops "empathy," he might return to her instead. I don't know, but I am sorry.

July 16, 2018

He sounds like a Narcissist..and although you don't sound as traumatised as someone who has been through Narcissistic abuse, it may be because the relationship didn't progress into a much longer-term relationship... (and that while away he found someone else to get his Narcissist supply from and therefore simply 'moved on' without looking back).

I'm REALLY inspired at how strong you've been around it all (sounds like you're just confused at wondering what on EARTH happened rather than it having shattered your world. And how you've never contacted him!!! WOW! You ARE my idol at the moment!! Warm wishes, Fairyfly

Thank you, yes I have the same impression about him being a narc and others on this thread have pointed the same thing out before I did.

I was not as traumatized with this one because it didn't get to the point of a long term thing, but I HAVE been through the abuse before with another ex in my twenties, all the textbook really bad, traumatic abuse down to stalking. There were a couple similarities in behaviors with this guy and my former ex. I've said this before on this thread that there was an element of control and manipulation that I saw peek out with this guy, so I"m pretty confident that he possesses those qualities. The love bombing, devaluation, control and play on my emotions and trying to hook me back in, discarding and ghosting. A normal person does not do that. A typical 'player' doesn't do that. I realize most people aren't familiar with the disorder, you would only know it if you've been through it on the receiving end like I have.

Like I said in a previous post, if he was really the one to dump his ex not once, but TWICE, what kind of normal person would be texting her after the fact saying that he missed her and "no need to respond". That's very manipulative and when I saw that, it struck a chord with me. It completely reminded me of something my former ex narc would say. Instead of apologizing for texting with his ex right in front of me the day after Christmas when we had spent days and nights on end together, he denied it and instead he tried to 'make it up' and 'prove' nothing had changed between us by wild crazy sex where he asked if he could come inside of me, thinking it was 'safe' because I was on my period. Knowing I wasn't on birth control. There's something very controlling about that. He apologized about the text later and admitted it was an old text. I'm not sure I believe that but either way, it just illustrates my point. A normal person doesn't break up with someone twice then tell them they miss them and give them PERMISSION to not respond, and contact them in front of their new partner or potential partner. And when the new partner confronts them they deny it and try and smooth things over by sex or attention, adoration, praise, etc.

Thank you for calling me your "idol"!! I definitely wanted to contact him for the first month after he left and almost did a couple times. Some of my friends were telling me I should confront him but I couldn't. I knew it wouldn't give me the satisfaction of a valid answer and I would probably feel worse. Plus, I know I don't have to chase men and he always pursued me, always, until he stopped cold turkey. At this point I have no reason to contact him, the only reason would be to tell him how much what he did hurt me. But I know if I did it would only put the power back in his hands. At this point, I don't even want him to know if I exist anymore. I blocked him on Bumble so I won't see him but I found out he can still see me in his queue unless he blocked me too. I don't have his number anymore so I couldn't contact him anyway. I don't even want him to know that I still live in the same place or if I'm alive at all. I had to drop off the face of the earth too just like he did.

I just thought of something as I was writing that about not wanting him to know if I still live in the same place. This is kind of unsettling. He said he had lived with his ex the last couple months of their relationship (which ended a couple months before he met me). He never told me and I never asked where she lived because I assumed that was all behind him. I found out that he still had an old mailing address because I saw a stack of his mail at his house one day, months into dating me. I noticed it wasn't the name of the street he was living on. It was the name of a street in the same neighborhood that he frequently drove down with me in the car. I put two and two together later that SHE STILL LIVED on that street and he was saying he was taking a "short cut" to get to his new place which was very, very close by, like within a mile. So they had exchanged his mail while we were dating. I never brought it up, I didn't want him to think I was snooping, I wasn't, it was in clear sight. My ex narc used to drive past and even walk past the place where we used to live together and I still lived in after I broke up with him. So he was basically purposely driving past where she lived instead of avoiding that street at all costs, with his new girl in the car. Keeping tabs on her I'm sure. I'm pretty sure at one point after the New Year they did reconnect. When he disappeared honestly I assumed he went back to her but it doesn't seem to have worked out if he's still back online.

I agree with Fairfly that there is a definite disorder.

Whether he is a Narcissist or Sociopath (most of them share some of the same traits) but something is inherently wrong with him. Being involved with either of them, is a woman's worst nightmare. It is confusing to their victims at how they can display all of those loving feelings and still not want to escalate the relationship further. It is because it lacks depth and real emotion which makes it an Oscar worthy performance....but not in their world.

OP, you will be perplexed for a long time because you just cannot come to terms that someone could walk away from all of that love and sex. But this is what sets them apart from a non-disordered person. Their ability to move on to the next victim without any residual feelings. Without looking back. Mine confessed to me that he moves on fast. That should have been a red flag along with the many, many red flags that he consistently waved at me. Him discarding you the way he did, leave you no other options but to hang on to your dignity. You never want to ever feed his ego, by contacting him. He will just return to use you for more sex and abandon you again.

You are doing all of the right things by never contacting him.

Onward and upward!

Thanks Oasis. You say that I shouldn't contact him and don't contact him... you know I'm not going to, right? That window has closed. I personally don't believe he will contact me otherwise he would have by now, but I really don't think he gives a damn anymore and will never contact me. IF he does, it will be a very long time from now and I won't want him anyway. So the contact isn't really a concern for me.

Ignore this! It absolutely IS productive. It gets your feelings out. Suppressing them by focusing on other things will not get you over this faster. But processing it, learning from it, feeling all the leftover emotions - that will. And writing is one of the best ways.

After reading your entire story, I strongly believe this guy was not truthful to you. He was texting his ex. Possibly others. VERY not cool.

Don't beat yourself up too much. This guy cast a SPELL on you. What you felt was not what he felt - it is sad to face this. He did you wrong. He knew what kind of lady you were (not casual), he knew he was not ready, and he pursued you for sex. I'm not saying he didn't fall in love, just that some men have much less ability to feel emotions, and can cut off their feelings very easily. He has the avoidant attachment style.

The best thing to learn from this, I think, is to develop incredibly strong boundaries and self-respect. Also, work on becoming extremely direct and assertive. Give yourself time limits for committment milestones, and if they aren't there, walk away. Don't stay friends. Don't communicate. The only time you can communicate is if they say they want to commit.

Thank you. A friend of mine told me that she didn't want to hear any more about what I'm going through and him so I had to stop talking to her for awhile because we would write emails (she's across the country) and I just wanted to write it out and talk about it. So thank you. I know I can't talk or think about it all the time of course but it really does help to write and be on here and get helpful feedback.

I know that he wasn't truthful. Clearly he was talking with his ex while he was with me and I found that out two months in. I also talk with one of my exes who is still in love with me but is across the country and all we were saying at that time to each other was 'Merry Christmas', not "I miss you... no need to respond.." or god knows what else he was saying to her.

I don't know if he was texting with other women while he was with me. Interestingly that same night as the text with the ex, he told me that when we met, he had been hooking up with someone but wanted to pursue something with me so he cut it off with her. He also volunteered the information that the first couple weeks or so that we were dating he went out a couple times on just a date but he wasn't seeing anyone else but me (by that time, two months in) and has been spending all this time with me and there's no one else, etc. He asked me to clarify the same, he wanted to know if I was, and I wasn't. So there was a point, about 2 months in, that he volunteered that information, my point is I don't think he would have told me that IF he was still talking to other women. Does that make sense? He was spending all of his free time with me, including weekends. If he went out on his own on a Friday night with friends, without me, I would hear from him by the end of the night when he was coming home and usually we would meet to spend the night together. I don't believe that he was communicating with other women (besides his ex) when we were in the thick of it. I'll never know though.

Yes, he did me wrong, that's why I never contacted him, one of the reasons... I'm not sure though it can be as easily explained as he knew I wasn't casual and pursued me for sex anyway. I've dated a lot, and many men have played me and never spoken to me again after a fling or a very short term thing, I'm talking like a date or three, etc. Not 5 months. I was very clear before I slept with him the first time that I'm not looking for anything casual, I wasn't sure where he was at but that's not what I'm in for, he insisted it wasn't going to be a casual thing, he's not seeing anyone else (as I found out later, he had JUST cut it off with the girl he was hooking up with before he met me two weeks before). I think he pursued the sex initially, yes, but in time he discovered, 'hey, she's really great, I like her a lot, she's girlfriend status (he told me that), and we get along so well... I really like being with her) If it was just sex it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. We developed what I thought was a friendship, he told me how much he valued me and our friendship, how wonderful I am and what a great woman I am, how well I treat him, how I'm the sweetest girl he's ever dated, how much he missed me when we weren't together, how he thinks about me all the time, etc etc. He even told me once, very sincerely, so I thought... he was holding me in bed one night, we didn't always even have sex when we were together... how he really loved spending time with me, how easy it was to be together, that the sex was just an added bonus. And it didn't seem like it was all it was about, ever. Yes, a driving factor, of course, for me too. But there was definitely more. He told me once, in the act, that there really was something between us, how sex is easy to come by but this was "making love" and he had feelings behind it with me. And the things he did and said all those months... to me proved that it wasn't about that. He was offended that I would even mention the word "FWB". He insisted that no, no, this isn't casual, there's obviously something between us, I care about you very much. I had no reason, truly no reason, to disbelieve him when he said that.

I get defensive when people say that he used me or just wanted sex because although yes, he definitely pursued a sexual relationship with me it wasn't the depth of it. And I don't like to think that I was "used" because I wasn't a victim, I was participating in this too.

What is different from a normal player situation and this is that he had me convinced that he was investing into building a real relationship with me, because of the things he said, like "I move slow, I'm not insta boyfriend, but I really am liking you more and more the more time we spend together, you have all the qualities, you're gf status, thank you for being so patient with me, I really am liking you more and more, I really care about you a lot, I just need a little more time... and not to mention spending all his free time with me, nearly every weekend, every single Sunday for 4 months, spending the entire week of the Christmas holiday with me and ONLY me, he wanted a romantic evening alone with me on Xmas Eve and NYE, he spent the entire week of my birthday with me, all day on my birthday, met all my friends multiple times and tried to get to be friends with all of them too, making plans with them for our future double dates, introduced me to his friends and extended family members talking to his mom on the phone about dating me and telling me how he thought she would agree I was so sweet (as if he was planning to introduce me to her). Taking me shopping, buying me a nice gift, planning or talking about weekend getaways and the dance lessons, how "who knows, we may end up married", etc etc. A player comes in, stays on the surface, seduces, gets what he wants or doesn't, and doesn't stick around long at all. This was much different. There was something darker, and now that I'm looking back on it, some aspects of control and emotional manipulation involved. He was clearly doing that with his ex, he was doing that to me too.

It hurts so badly. But I'm really getting better. Sundays are especially hard because we spent almost every single Sunday together since we met until the last time I saw him, all day, just together. If people saw us together, we were that couple who was holding hands, he always had his arm around me, we were always touching, always close, laughing, etc. Like I've said I've dated a lot and it was never like that. If I had that kind of connection with someone , or even close, we were just together. It took a couple months maybe, two or three, but once the feelings were established and mutual, the normal thing to do is develop and continue it.

When I tell people my story they don't understand. Some people (like on here) have said, "something's missing" or "something is wrong in his head". Usually it's "he was on the rebound" or "he was just using you and he didn't want to string you along". Maybe a combination of all of the above.

July 16, 2018

I think he did love you. I think he was, like you said, emotionally manipulative. He was probably subtly pushing on your boundaries. In ways that.. here's a good way of putting it. If you have a locked door, that is your boundary. Most people can't open your door without you letting them in. He was picking the lock, then because you were tricked into lowering boundaries/unaware of it, he lost respect, and feelings changed. A mature man will understand it's in his best interest to respect your boundaries. It keeps the feelings alive!

Of course, the in-love feelings are not meant to last forever. At best, I think you can get a lower-level type of endorphin release, and that does last. That is happily ever after, with perhaps ebbs and flows of the more exciting kind of love feeling every now and then. He probably only wants the highs of new romance, and is off to the next best thing. He may not know better, yet. He may also have a major ego problem, and will find great difficulty settling for any one woman. It's sort of like being a drug addict, where love is the drug.

Like I told my ex of 5 months who is also avoidant, "The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it." But damn if that ever makes a difference.

Thanks for sharing your story. Basically commiserating with you over here.

Edited July 16, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

July 16, 2018

I don't believe anymore that he ever really loved me. If he did he wouldn’t have taken off without a word and we would still be in contact. If he really cared like he said he would still be in my life, even just platonically. I realize we didn't date very long but it was meaningful (at least to me) and emotions were involved. If he really truly did fall in love he wouldn’t have let me go, and even if he had let me go for greener grass he wouldn’t risk losing me to someone else and would be back checking in. In my 20s, I was dumped a couple times by my long term bfs ( who were both very emotionally/verbally abusive, btw). The first one left me for another woman after we dated for 4 years on and off. He said he wasn't in love with me anymore, met someone else and was leaving me for her. I moved out. He came back 2 or 3 months later with a diamond ring and a proposal, which I refused. My narc ex in my 20s dumped me probably 3 times in the course of our 4 year relationship but he always came back asking for a second chance within a couple months at the most. Point is, those guys dumped me and got in touch pretty soon after, not this long. The reason I'm not worried about whether he will come back is because I think he would have by now, just basing it on my previous experiences. He can't come back, he left with no words. How could he even approach me or strike up a conversation after doing that?! Talk about burning the bridge.

The more I think about this situation the more I’m convinced he has a personality disorder and acted cruelly and manipulatively towards me. I tell myself I'm sure he didn’t really intend to hurt me he just put his own feelings ahead of mine and thought it would be easier to just disappear rather than tell me he didn’t want to ever see or speak to me again. It's really hard to trust, I had trust issues to begin with and have been in emotionally abusive/controlling relationships in my past as I mentioned, so this just adds more pain to my already broken heart. This seemed to be possibly the start of another one, and if that's the case I'm glad he left. In the case of his ex, if they're still on and off, she can have him. My secret hope is that she told him to F off when he tried to get back into her life. Since I started dating him I admit I would sometimes snoop her photos on FB and I see that she's having the time of her life without him. I blocked her today so I stop looking at her public photos. I never blocked him on FB but We're not even FB friends so it doesn't matter I guess. I just don't want to be able to search for him or see him.

I’m still incredibly hurt. I hope I will be able to develop a healthy relationship with and find love again, soon I hope. I'm very lonely lately. I date a lot and seem to have plenty of options as far as men but nothing real or intimate like I felt this was. Soon enough I hope.

Edited July 16, 2018 by littlebridge

July 16, 2018

I don't believe anymore that he ever really loved me. If he did he wouldn’t have taken off without a word and we would still be in contact. If he really cared like he said he would still be in my life, even just platonically. I realize we didn't date very long but it was meaningful (at least to me) and emotions were involved. If he really truly did fall in love he wouldn’t have let me go, and even if he had let me go for greener grass he wouldn’t risk losing me to someone else and would be back checking in. In my 20s, I was dumped a couple times by my long term bfs ( who were both very emotionally/verbally abusive, btw). The first one left me for another woman after we dated for 4 years on and off. He said he wasn't in love with me anymore, met someone else and was leaving me for her. I moved out. He came back 2 or 3 months later with a diamond ring and a proposal, which I refused. My narc ex in my 20s dumped me probably 3 times in the course of our 4 year relationship but he always came back asking for a second chance within a couple months at the most. Point is, those guys dumped me and got in touch pretty soon after, not this long. The reason I'm not worried about whether he will come back is because I think he would have by now, just basing it on my previous experiences. He can't come back, he left with no words. How could he even approach me or strike up a conversation after doing that?! Talk about burning the bridge.

The more I think about this situation the more I’m convinced he has a personality disorder and acted cruelly and manipulatively towards me. I tell myself I'm sure he didn’t really intend to hurt me he just put his own feelings ahead of mine and thought it would be easier to just disappear rather than tell me he didn’t want to ever see or speak to me again. It's really hard to trust, I had trust issues to begin with and have been in emotionally abusive/controlling relationships in my past as I mentioned, so this just adds more pain to my already broken heart. This seemed to be possibly the start of another one, and if that's the case I'm glad he left. In the case of his ex, if they're still on and off, she can have him. My secret hope is that she told him to F off when he tried to get back into her life. Since I started dating him I admit I would sometimes snoop her photos on FB and I see that she's having the time of her life without him. I blocked her today so I stop looking at her public photos. I never blocked him on FB but We're not even FB friends so it doesn't matter I guess. I just don't want to be able to search for him or see him.

I’m still incredibly hurt. I hope I will be able to develop a healthy relationship with and find love again, soon I hope. I'm very lonely lately. I date a lot and seem to have plenty of options as far as men but nothing real or intimate like I felt this was. Soon enough I hope.

You're right littlebridge, it wasn't love. It was something else. And you are 100% correct, no one is able to leave the person that they are in love with and disappear for months on end. He was just satisfying his own selfish needs. I'm sure that the romance and the adulation was so intoxicating that it feels like love. I know how puzzling that could be that someone who puts such incredible amount of time and tenderness in loving you, must certainly be in love with you. But he was just a pro at this. Nothing more.

Sorry this hurts and you will hurt for a while. It might even affect your future relationships, because of the way he made you feel....for awhile. But it will pass and you will be smarter for it as you can now spot the signs of someone who is playing games with your mind.

And yes, I fully agree with you that he does have a personality disorder.

July 16, 2018

Some asses fall in lust instead of love... Maybe one day they will understand their ways and stop breaking hearts, but I doubt it! If my jerky ex dates for over 2 years (which has never happened yet for him), I will doubt that it will be a happy relationship since he doesn't know a good relationship even if it would stare him in the face. xD

Be happy that you dodged a bullet by finding out this side earlier rather than later.

July 16, 2018

I don't believe anymore that he ever really loved me. If he did he wouldn’t have taken off without a word and we would still be in contact. If he really cared like he said he would still be in my life, even just platonically. I realize we didn't date very long but it was meaningful (at least to me) and emotions were involved. If he really truly did fall in love he wouldn’t have let me go, and even if he had let me go for greener grass he wouldn’t risk losing me to someone else and would be back checking in. In my 20s, I was dumped a couple times by my long term bfs ( who were both very emotionally/verbally abusive, btw). The first one left me for another woman after we dated for 4 years on and off. He said he wasn't in love with me anymore, met someone else and was leaving me for her. I moved out. He came back 2 or 3 months later with a diamond ring and a proposal, which I refused. My narc ex in my 20s dumped me probably 3 times in the course of our 4 year relationship but he always came back asking for a second chance within a couple months at the most. Point is, those guys dumped me and got in touch pretty soon after, not this long. The reason I'm not worried about whether he will come back is because I think he would have by now, just basing it on my previous experiences. He can't come back, he left with no words. How could he even approach me or strike up a conversation after doing that?! Talk about burning the bridge.

The more I think about this situation the more I’m convinced he has a personality disorder and acted cruelly and manipulatively towards me. I tell myself I'm sure he didn’t really intend to hurt me he just put his own feelings ahead of mine and thought it would be easier to just disappear rather than tell me he didn’t want to ever see or speak to me again. It's really hard to trust, I had trust issues to begin with and have been in emotionally abusive/controlling relationships in my past as I mentioned, so this just adds more pain to my already broken heart. This seemed to be possibly the start of another one, and if that's the case I'm glad he left. In the case of his ex, if they're still on and off, she can have him. My secret hope is that she told him to F off when he tried to get back into her life. Since I started dating him I admit I would sometimes snoop her photos on FB and I see that she's having the time of her life without him. I blocked her today so I stop looking at her public photos. I never blocked him on FB but We're not even FB friends so it doesn't matter I guess. I just don't want to be able to search for him or see him.

I’m still incredibly hurt. I hope I will be able to develop a healthy relationship with and find love again, soon I hope. I'm very lonely lately. I date a lot and seem to have plenty of options as far as men but nothing real or intimate like I felt this was. Soon enough I hope.

Some guys have the ability to be in love, and then cut off their feelings. I think he loved you, but fell out of love due to his attachment disorder/EGO.

July 17, 2018

You're right littlebridge, it wasn't love. It was something else. And you are 100% correct, no one is able to leave the person that they are in love with and disappear for months on end. He was just satisfying his own selfish needs. I'm sure that the romance and the adulation was so intoxicating that it feels like love. I know how puzzling that could be that someone who puts such incredible amount of time and tenderness in loving you, must certainly be in love with you. But he was just a pro at this. Nothing more.

Sorry this hurts and you will hurt for a while. It might even affect your future relationships, because of the way he made you feel....for awhile. But it will pass and you will be smarter for it as you can now spot the signs of someone who is playing games with your mind.

And yes, I fully agree with you that he does have a personality disorder.

Thanks, Oasis. It's hard to explain or for people to relate unless they have gone through something similar. I really appreciate your input.

I don't believe that he ever really loved me either. In lust, infatuation, yes. If he truly cared or loved me, he would still be in my life. Take away the love part, if he truly cared about me, he would have at least reached out and said, "Hey Littlebridge, I have had such a great time with you and I really like you and think you're a great girl. But I don't want to be in a relationship with you or anyone, and I know you want more. So I have to give you that space and respect, since I can't give you what you want." Of course, I'm never going to get that from him. So I had to concoct that closure for myself, thinking that's what he would say if he had the balls.

The thing is... even if there wasn't that "in love" on his side... the fact that we spent so much time together and the fact that he would repeatedly say how much he cared about me, and how much he valued our friendship....that's the part that I still can't understand. I get it, that he could've simply changed his mind or cut off his feelings, or maybe I did or said something there at the end in his mind that sealed the deal or he met someone else he liked more. But let's remove the love factor, but common decency would seem to prevail. I consider myself a loveable, kind, compassionate person. I guess in the big picture he and I didn't know each other that well, but it truly seemed to me as if we had built an emotional bond, or at the very least, a friendship. I've been through breakups before, but I've never been just discarded from someone's life as if nothing ever happened. I've dated so many men and like I said there's been a couple times that I dated someone for a month or two, maybe, and there wasn't that 'spark' or things kind of just weren't clicking, and we never got to the level of an emotional bond or even a friendship, it was just casually dating. No romance, no overpowering intensity, no deep emotions involved. And we just never spoke again, and it didn't come as a surprise. I find it so odd that a guy could pursue me for so many months and appear to fall for me, etc etc to suddenly realize or admit that he didn't want a girlfriend, tell me how great I was and what a catch how much he cared, etc etc, and not want to be with me and then just disappear. Whenever it's made it that long and gotten to that point, it becomes a serious relationship. Even my long term relationships, we had a breakup "talk" and said our goodbyes... it was never over with those for a long time, but still, there was that closure. I think what makes this so difficult is that we left it on seemingly good terms, never an argument, never any bad blood between us, as always, then he left and I never heard from him again. And I've had to pick up the pieces trying to figure out WTF happened.

What normal person pursues someone with such intensity for months and makes it their life mission to make her fall in love with him, then once she starts to fall, he pulls out the rug from under her, slams on the brakes, makes up some BS excuse about not being over his ex and then keeps her on a string for 6 weeks, saying how he's missing her, will be thinking about her while he's gone, and making her feel like he can't get enough of her and is in love and has never had this kind of connection with anyone else, and LOVES being with her, LOVES making love to her, thinks so highly of her... then takes the opportunity to escape?! It was almost as if he wanted me to fall in love with him, just so he could have that satisfaction. Then once I started to, he began to put up all these stipulations and boundaries, to keep me in check, to keep me guessing.. for the first time. I think in his mind, he was just trying to soften the expectations, I give him that, maybe he realized the way he was acting would cause a normal healthy person like me to have feelings involved and want to build on the relationship, and have intimacy, commitment and share our lives and build trust. That's not what he wanted. Once he even said, while we were touching and cuddling in bed, "if you're going to fall in love with me, you should know that I like this... etc." As if he was intending (and wanting) for me to fall in love with him. And soon I did. He succeeded. I realize that was his ego being stroked. He got this great girl to fall for him and he tossed her aside once it got too real for him, then on to the next one, as if she never mattered.

Sometimes I doubt myself and think that maybe I pushed too hard, maybe I was pressing for more when he wasn't ready... but no. I was forgiving, and patient. He recognized that. I never once brought up "what are we?" "where is this going?" "Am I your girlfriend?" No. He was the one who brought up those topics with ME, so I assumed that everything was peachy keen, I thought he was establishing exclusivity and the word "boyfriend" was coming up around the 2 month mark, which I thought was normal based on my previous experiences. He thought of me as GF material, and I am, most men I've dated do, and if we get to that point, it happens and they are more than eager and happy to be a couple. He wanted no part of that, despite how fantastic, sweet, wonderful, beautiful, sexy, what a good woman, how much passion there is between us, how highly he respects me, how well I treat him, etc... WTF? He's a complete idiot. I'm sure there are lots of women out there, easy, more wild, more casual, more to his liking, more superficial. But I know my value. Ironically he saw it too, but he didn't want it. His loss, and I hate to say it, but one day he'll realize that, I'm very sure of it.

My one long term ex boyfriend that I'm still friends with (we respect and care for each other very much and he's the only one I have ever been able to or wanted to maintain a friendship after the relationship ended) told me that I am the most kind and loving woman he's ever known, and how I made him feel secure, respected, and loved at all times. I sent him cupcakes on his birthday when we were dating and he told me that he knew then how special I really was. To this day, he adores me and if I said the word, he would be all in 100%. I've had men chase me for years after the dating relationship ended. I'm not tooting my own horn, but I've never been cast aside like this so coldly after treating someone so well, after all that buildup.

All I can say is in the future, if someone accelerates as quickly and intensely as he did in the first three months, I will be more cautious and slow it down myself. I got caught up in the romance, passion, lust, hormones, and intoxication of all what he was putting down. It was very hard to resist, so I stopped resisting... I became part of his daily life, and he became a part of mine, by HIS own doing.... then when things got real and too close for him he said how we've been spending all this time together, we both have our own lives, this has all become a lot too soon... I was like, 'dude, you've been the one calling me until I answer the phone, asking to see me multiple times a day, telling me how you miss me, and that you think about me all the time...'? I didn't always agree to see him but towards the end I was going the extra mile to be with him, becoming more available because... duh...I thought it was safe and the feeling was mutual. I was wrong.

I don't wish this pain on anyone. All I wanted was a goodbye, or "I hope we can stay friends" or something kinder and more compassionate than completely disappearing.

July 18, 2018

Thanks, Oasis. It's hard to explain or for people to relate unless they have gone through something similar. I really appreciate your input.

<SNIP>

Littlebridge, I know it is a hard, puzzling and painful situation, something you may never get an answer to. The hardest thing is that it will continue to haunt you for a long time because of the way it ended. The truth is there was really no end and this is what hurts the most. Sadly, you have no other options but to try and accept it over time. The pain will eventually lessen and you will find someone who is transparent and would not bolt and leave you high and dry as this guy did.

It is a tough lesson to learn, but it will allow you to gauge future suitors better and not fall again for someone with pretty words and shady behavior.

Edited July 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

Dated 5 months, he said he was in love then he disappeared

Recommended Posts

oasis

Link to post

Share on other sites

Iris The Butterfly

Link to post

Share on other sites

ElKay

Link to post

Share on other sites

oasis

Link to post

Share on other sites

Iris The Butterfly

Link to post

Share on other sites

ElKay

Link to post

Share on other sites

oasis

Link to post

Share on other sites

tafkaga

Link to post

Share on other sites

Leigh 87

Link to post

Share on other sites

Leigh 87

Link to post

Share on other sites

Iris The Butterfly

Link to post

Share on other sites

Purepony

Link to post

Share on other sites

tafkaga

Link to post

Share on other sites

Iris The Butterfly

Link to post

Share on other sites

Fairyfly

Link to post

Share on other sites

oasis

Link to post

Share on other sites

ThreeRainbows

Link to post

Share on other sites

Iris The Butterfly

Link to post

Share on other sites

ThreeRainbows

Link to post

Share on other sites

Iris The Butterfly

Link to post

Share on other sites

oasis

Link to post

Share on other sites

ElKay

Link to post

Share on other sites

ThreeRainbows

Link to post

Share on other sites

Iris The Butterfly

Link to post

Share on other sites

oasis

Link to post

Share on other sites

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...