Dated 5 months, he said he was in love then he disappeared

[Iris The Butterfly]

{snip}

Anyways... few suggestions for next time based on what you did this time-

 

- If you catch the guy sending text to an ex while with you... you dump him.

- If a guy tells you he wants to break up with you... you block him and move on.

- If a guy says he wanna go slow, you keep dating other guys who don't want to go slow.

 

Thank you, Winny. He’s still been on a pedestal but your words are really helping me see more clearly! Thank you! I have to disagree that there was no chemistry left… that’s what kept us both coming back. Lots and lots of chemistry and passion. Had me hooked that’s for sure. Blinded by lust. I’m telling you it was THAT good and he said so too. Anyway, he can try and to find better… good luck with that dude. I know that I will see him around like I just did so in the meantime it helps me to be kind and wish him happiness. It’s just the easiest way for me (right now) to let it go.

 

I can say very confidently that I was good to him in the ways that truly mattered. Loyalty, honesty, supportive, empathy, understanding, patience, kindness, encouragement (he apparently recognized that I owned these qualities because he said it out loud that he appreciated me for those reasons and more). He is truly dumb. I know that and it is definitely his loss. I snooped his ex a bit on FB. She had pictures set to public view so I saw that she was a little wild and appeared to have a bit of a drinking problem. Based on what I saw of her, and his discard of me, I guess he is more attracted to dysfunction and someone more wild and flighty, unlike me. Some guys just want the drama I guess. I feel very unappreciated and taken for granted. But I know that other men have and will truly appreciate and cherish me and not toss me aside searching for greener grass.

 

He did lie at the time about the text to his ex when I confronted him. Admitted the next day that it was “an old text” and he apologized and how he hated to see me upset. How old? Who knows. Either way, he was texting her in front of me after spending the Christmas holiday week with me 24/7. I was rightfully upset but he did what he could to ‘make it up’ to me to keep me in his pocket. I also wonder if he did try to get back with her and she rejected him. It was after that brunch that I wasn’t invited to with “old friends”. She was there or at least their mutual friends were there. He ‘broke up’ with me after seeing her or talking to her, then she said no or held him off and he came back to me, like he never said that at all. I was confused, I thought he just wanted to be platonic friends, but he wanted to be friends who had sex with one foot out the door. I said no to that, although it took me about 6 weeks. He left so it stopped. I’m glad for that because I knew at that point he was stringing me along. I think he knew that too and he felt guilty. I can’t say for sure but it explains why the sudden disappearance.

 

After the brunch, and following the week of my birthday that he spent with me every day for about a week…I was on an emotional rollercoaster. In early February he told me that he was going through a lot and felt that we should just be friends right now, old feelings came up, etc. To me that was a very clear rejection so I said I understand, I’ve valued our connection and didn’t say anything else and was intending to move on. I took that as a break up but he kept coming back, asking me to dinner, contacting me. I said no and he persisted. I held out for 2 weeks and I finally caved. He seduced me all over again and made me believe that he was having second thoughts. The way he acted to see me, how urgent he was, his face lit up like a million watts, he was counting the days in between….. all those things he said...maybe in some way was some truth but manipulative to hold me on the hook. I realized that soon enough. The week before he left on his trip he said how I would be there in thought. So after our last date, he left, he reached out, I reached out, he responded, and I never spoke to him again. I was done with it, and I did realize my value and that he was mistreating me and taking me for granted. I did stand up for myself. I had some weak moments and fell vulnerable to his seduction and emotional manipulation. Narcissistic tendencies. A decent person would end it and have the respect to cut it all off or at least be platonic friends or friendly. They wouldn’t act selfishly by going back and forth like he did. That was manipulative and selfish. He even contacted me on Valentine’s Day to say how much of a catch he thinks I am, and wished me HVD, and was alone… but … we were apart. The next day though he was on me like white on rice. So I was very confused, it hurt me a lot. I couldn’t continue but I couldn't let go. He left so he did it for me and that was a blessing in disguise.

 

As far as the going slow thing, I was patient and understanding because I knew he wasn’t long out of a 4 year relationship and I could relate. I didn’t feel 2-3 months was taking it too slow. I was ok with it honestly, until he made it an issue by bringing it up. I told him that at one point when he started to get freaked out and felt pressured. But yes, in the future if someone says that unprovoked, it will be a red flag. First time I’ve encountered that, and I’m not young or inexperienced. This has really messed me up, and broken my heart. But I know someday it won’t hurt as much anymore. I won’t let it discourage me, but at this time I don’t foresee dating, falling in love, and marriage and family in my near future and I'm halfway through 34 years old. I just need to find acceptance, with this pain and with being unmarried and childless. It hurts me a lot to be alone when I want a husband and family, with someone that I'm in love with and vice versa. Haven't found that yet and I'm not sure if and when I ever will. I fell in love with this guy and was treated like dirt. I have no faith in love right now. Hopefully that will change soon.

Edited August 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oasis]

Hi Littlebridge, just checking in to see how things are going with you.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Hi Littlebridge, just checking in to see how things are going with you.

 

I'm so glad you reached out, Oasis! I wanted to PM you but I can't for some reason. I'm doing better. I still think about him a lot, but the good news is that I'm beginning to get annoyed at the thoughts and tired of the amount of energy and headspace that he's taken up. I think that's a good sign I'm letting go. Trying to.

 

I have been practicing some mental/meditative exercises about trying to forget someone/stopping the compulsive thoughts. It's helpful.

 

I find myself still stuck sometimes on whether I pushed too hard or acted desperately and pushed him away. Did I lose all footing with him and lose his respect when I continued to spend time with him after he said what he did? Suddenly when things started getting real, he wasn't "READY"/"WASN'T LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW"/"WASN'T READY TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL YET", etc. Then I go back and forth on that one... well, he was still pursuing me, making me feel as if he really was into me, telling me how much he liked me, saying he needs more time, the attraction and connection was still clearly there.......I feel like I was clinging to keep the relationship and go back to the way it was before so I found myself accepting much less than I deserved. I'm ashamed of myself for letting him seduce me and keep me in bed when he was holding me at arms length like that. It just makes me think that he lost respect for me and that's why he ghosted. If I had cut him off and laid down the boundaries and not slept with him anymore I wonder... would he still be around? Would he at least want to talk to me had I not done that? I've been dumped before but never been ghosted. It's just hard to understand how or why. The only time I can't imagine never speaking to someone again I was close to (even a friend) is if they did something totally deplorable and awful and broke all trust, etc.

 

Trying to understand why or how or what he is thinking or what he will do or not do, or say, etc. is too mentally draining. I've given it enough of my time for over 4 months since we last spoke.

 

Sometimes I find myself wondering if he will come back, sometimes I think he will, or won't.... it would be a shame to think that he's still harboring feelings for me if I were to see him out with someone else. So I decided yesterday to not care whether he thinks about me. He may never come back, he may resurface a year from now. What am I going to do in the meantime? Move on.

 

I have to say that I am glad I did a couple things, like delete his number, the text thread, put all the photos in an album that I don't have easy access to (off my phone). I also blocked his ex on FB because I found myself snooping on her profile because she has a lot of public posts and pictures (he doesn't). So I was finding myself in the beginning doing that on her page and I just wanted to remove that temptation.

 

I still believe that his feelings for me were genuine at the time. I think that he love bombed and went fast and furious to mask the pain he was feeling and try and move on, and when it caught up to him he realized he had to backpedal. He just was not in a place to get involved as he was still tied up with his ex. I also believe that he was newly single and wanted to play the field. He didn't want a girlfriend. I do think there were aspects of control and narcissistic tendencies on his part, with me and with his interactions with her.

 

I have to say that it has been for the best that there has been NC, although I still miss him, very much. It's been hard for me to hate him or think he had bad intentions or meant to hurt me. Mostly I just think he is foolish.

Edited August 1, 2018 by littlebridge

[oasis]

I'm so glad you reached out, Oasis! I wanted to PM you but I can't for some reason. I'm doing better. I still think about him a lot, but the good news is that I'm beginning to get annoyed at the thoughts and tired of the amount of energy and headspace that he's taken up. I think that's a good sign I'm letting go. Trying to.

 

I have been practicing some mental/meditative exercises about trying to forget someone/stopping the compulsive thoughts. It's helpful.

 

<snip>

 

 

Hi Littlebridge, glad you are doing a little better and engaging in meditation and self behavioral therapy. And yes, it is good that you are trying to decrease the amount of headspace that he has taken up. He does not deserve any at this point. I also know that it doesn't matter how many times that you have re-hashed this relationship in your mind, be comforted by the knowledge that there was nothing you could have done to have prevented the outcome. This is a man who is fundamentally emotionally damaged. He took you to the moon and then just plops you back on earth and then disappeared. This is not healthy behavior, nor is it logical behavior. It reeks of a man who is an avoidant. A broken man.

 

He took you to the moon and then just plops you back on earth and then disappeared. This is not healthy behavior, nor is it logical behavior. It reeks of a man who is an avoidant. A broken man.

 

He may return or he might not, so the best thing that you can do for yourself is to convince yourself that he may not return. This will make it easier for you to move on.

 

There is a website that you might benefit from which explains men like your ex. Search for 'Esteemology'. Check it out and you will see your ex in print. Men like these really exists.

 

[]

 

And congrats for staying the course and keeping your dignity intact. It will ultimately get better with time.

Edited August 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and remove website identifier and PM discussion

[Whodatdog]

When a man truly is in love with a woman, deep and emotionally, there is nothing that will keep them away from her. Men can have a wonderful lusty fun relationship with you, call you the best woman, the nicest person....but if that to-the-core raw deep emotion isnt there, they can walk away, and will. They will enjoy the friendship, they will love the sex...but its not enough to keep them around. I was concerned in this long thread that he told you so many times about what a wonderful person you were, how much he liked you..... but I wasnt hearing where he told you he loved you. You can't make him have that emotional attachment to you, no matter how good the relationship was, or how attached you were to him.

[Iris The Butterfly]

He took you to the moon and then just plops you back on earth and then disappeared. This is not healthy behavior, nor is it logical behavior. It reeks of a man who is an avoidant. A broken man.

 

He may return or he might not, so the best thing that you can do for yourself is to convince yourself that he may not return. This will make it easier for you to move on.

 

There is a website that you might benefit from which explains men like your ex. Search for 'Esteemology'. Check it out and you will see your ex in print. Men like these really exists.

 

[]

 

And congrats for staying the course and keeping your dignity intact. It will ultimately get better with time.

 

 

 

I looked at the [web site you suggested] and read an article and you are right, it's written almost word for word as it happened. I think that unless a person has experienced this themselves, it is very difficult to relate.

 

Sadly, I have been through this before with a previous boyfriend and it is all too familiar. Unfortunately that ex came in and out of my life for years and it got really abusive, which I believe has kept me at times from feeling safe in healthy relationships.

 

My very first serious boyfriend was also controlling and verbally abusive. So I'm no stranger to abuse. Sometimes I feel like we seek out what is familiar.

 

When I met this guy and during times throughout, I had a strange sense of deja vu, about my narc ex. Little things that I just can't really put my finger on, but I felt something.... familiar. There was a part in the article about a stage that resembles an addiction, and during that time I found myself wanting (and needing) to attend Al-Anon.

 

I do not have addiction issues myself but a family member does, ultimately it's for codependency more or less, and focuses on detachment. It was also during that stage (before it ended) that I felt a need to literally "detox" from the relationship; it was if I recognized the feelings of addiction and toxicity and wanted to 'sober up' emotionally. Extreme highs and lows. A friend pointed out to me if I felt the need to 'detox' there was clearly something wrong and unhealthy. I told a couple friends about what happened, while it was happening, and they said that there's something wrong here, this has gotten too weird, he's not emotionally stable, etc.

 

In reading the article (it helps, thank you!) I could relate to every bullet point. It really helps to read and write about it, very good to process.

 

At first, and very quickly,I was his laser focus, he could not get enough of me. Actually it was like that until the very end. It was like I consumed his thoughts and he couldn't stand not seeing me or talking to me.

 

The first week of meeting we saw each other three times. Each week following it was multiple times a week including every weekend. Sometimes he wouldn't take no for an answer. I of course wasn't always available but he REALLY REALLY wanted to see me and spend most of his free time with me, for months. Sometimes he would call me multiple times a night, even up until the last couple weeks. I have my phone on do not disturb from 12-8 a.m., unless a caller tries three times consecutively it wouldn't ring. He would call and call until I would pick up. Not necessarily to see me, but to talk at the very least.

 

I took that at the time as flattering, exciting, how he just was so INTO me. That he couldn't sleep unless he got me on the line, sometimes he would come over or I would go to him. Sometimes we would just talk on the phone and meet in the morning.

 

He would go to great romantic extent to seduce me in the beginning and poured his attention on me. He got great pleasure in cooking for me, pampering me, putting me up comfortably, waiting on me, not letting me lift a finger, rubbing my feet, the music, the wine, the candles, the romance and closeness. Holding my hand and his arm around me in public all the time, he was into me. Or so I thought, so did everyone else.

 

He said once, in the thick of it, how missed me, even if we had just said goodbye hours before. At first we would see each other three times a week or so. Towards the end it was multiple times a day...and days/nights on end. I took that as falling in love. I really believed it. I got hooked on the lust and romance and intimacy. I just HAD to have it myself.

 

It was also during this time I noticed he became a bit possessive. Nothing too extreme but strong reactions to other men in the vicinity, jealousy about a male friend, always had his eye on me in a crowded place, etc. I also thought that was 'normal' because I thought a little healthy jealousy/possessiveness was just a given with a man falling in love, I've experienced that before. I thought he just really liked me.

 

During that time I also noticed that his behavior towards me and his emotions were becoming kind of... unhinged. I thought at the time that it seems like he's starting to fall for me, he's giving me all this attention, he can't get enough of me, he says he misses me, he thinks about me all the time, the way he's looking at me, the way I catch him looking while I'm not watching, and his increasing investment and all this time he wants to spend with me, he's becoming more tender and he says and I can tell that he's making love to me, etc.

 

One night before Christmas he called and called and he ended up coming over in the middle of the night. It was like he was overdosed on some love chemical, was just drinking me in, I asked him, 'what's gotten into you lately?' He said, "I don't know, I just missed you, maybe there is something that's gotten into me" (Naturally I thought it was me who got under his skin).

 

A week later, we were sitting after spending a week together during the holidays and I saw the text to his ex. Looking back, what person in their right mind would be blatantly texting their ex in front of the person they were dating?! (Is that triangulation, Oasis?)

 

Shortly after, he called one night and poured his heart out for the first time. "You are so sweet, I've dated but you're the sweetest woman I've ever been with, I really care about you a lot, you are so good to me, sometimes I feel I've been a jerk to you, (that specifically was part of the article, Oasis, the subtle warning), I'm really in a vulnerable place, sometimes I wonder if I should be dating you, I'm still heartbroken and this is all new for me, you are such a doll, you really were raised right, I respect you so highly......" I wondered why the sudden outpour, it seemed like he hit some breaking point, which would explain his recent emotional behavior. In my mind I thought- he's totally falling in love with me.

 

I've been in the presence of men in love and they start acting a little crazy and gaga like he was acting. I assumed it was a natural progression. But looking back, maybe he just felt guilty because I was so good and he was so... tormented or something. He said that he wanted to spend the whole next day with me, New Years Eve, let's spend the whole day and night together. I miss you, Littlebridge.

 

In the weeks following, he began to pull away. Just slightly. I finally opened up my heart to the possibility of falling in love with him, as I thought it appeared reciprocal. That same week I noticed that he kind of pulled back a little on the sex. I thought maybe he's just not in the mood, but it didn't last more than a few days so I didn't think too much of it, we always just enjoyed time together, sex or not.

 

A week or two later, he called me after that brunch (where the mutual friends of the ex, and maybe the ex herself) was there and I wasn't invited. He called that night and he was drunk so he spilled the beans, and said what he said two weeks prior. "I'm not sure if I should continue dating you, I still am heartbroken, etc.." I got upset and told him he would have to break it off face to face, and he said, "please, I'm sorry for mistreating you baby, please come over here and snap me out of this, I really do love you!"

 

So, I went. He confessed, and I believed, that he really was going through some pain about his last relationship, and he was still tied up with her. He told me flat out that day that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, wasn't ready, etc. But he really liked me a lot he didn't want to lose me, he thought we had something special between us, there was feeling behind what he had for me. It wasn't just a casual thing. I believed he had emotions involved for me.

 

Anyway, during that time, I noticed he became more critical and would make slight digs at me. Like about my clothes, how I shouldn't be carrying around that worn clutch, where did I buy my clothes, Ross?! (he was obsessed with appearance) or that I don't speak up sometimes, or that sometimes I was 'aloof' and acted selfishly.

 

That night he was drunk after the brunch he said, as an excuse to himself why he was backing out of it, (brace yourselves, guys), "you're too square, I live my life on the edge".When he made those digs I thought, 'what do I have to do to get back to the way he used to put me up on that pedestal?

 

He's starting to treat me terribly, he's knocking me down.' So I found myself getting lax on the boundaries and accepting his hot and cold treatment from there on out. I just wanted to get back that initial feeling. I wanted his full attention and adoration again but he began to backpedal.

 

I mentioned this before, but the sex was pretty damn intense and throughout, and in particular towards the end, beginning with that pre-NYE phone call, it was like some beast was released and the tenderness was still there but it was almost as if.... he became dominating and.. I don't want to say forceful but yes, in a way, sometimes, forceful. Once he ripped my shirt and tore my panties off. I know that's kind of sexy and hot but it's definitely forceful. He pushed the sexual boundaries. I loved it because I have a high appetite and I was so attracted to him it was like he was pushing all of my deepest primal buttons. When I would resist him he became more and more aroused. He even said that one time. A couple of times he didn't want to pull out, and that was so risky... it was like he was exerting some kind of twisted power play. Like in a way....'you're mine'. In the moment it was very primal and passionate but there was always a bit of sexual aggression.

 

In the last couple weeks, right before he bent me over the table, he had his face in my neck undressing me from behind and said, "I'm a little crazy, you've stuck around all this time.." and at that time, I really felt crazy myself. I said, "maybe we are crazy together". And that certainly was true. It just somehow became twisted and those little bits of control and manipulation really surfaced during the last month.

 

I barely slept. The week before he left the last time he was telling me how I would be in his thoughts while he was away, he will look into those dance classes for us, how he had been counting the days since we last saw each other, the last two times we were together he was hugging me, touching me, kissing, smiling, looking at me, gazing at me and complimenting how attractive I am, my eyes, my hair, something about me has changed.... he likes it... he seemed pretty dang smitten to me. He came for dinner, we spent a couple wonderful romantic hours, and he was gone. Like it never happened. Like nothing he said was true. It's mind boggling.

 

I read somewhere that a normal healthy breakup leaves the two people feeling sad but not totally destroyed. But a breakup with a toxic person feels like a stab in the back, where it comes suddenly, you're left bleeding and abandoned. And that's how I feel.

 

My last long term relationship ended so well, it was sad and we wished each other the best and to this day are friends and will probably always will be. Let's just say that he was a normal healthy person who was just going through a hard time and wasn't feeling it anymore towards me. If that were the case he would say, "I'm so sorry, I really like you and have enjoyed our time together very much. I just don't feel it is a good fit, we want different things, etc. I hope that we can leave it on good terms, I do care for you and wish you the best." Not just continue the highs and lows and all that love and sex and "you'll be in my thoughts", etc. and then gone.

 

Sometimes I wonder (as the poster says below) whether he wasn't into me or in love, or just on the rebound but I think there is a lot of truth in what you are pointing out. I'm curious as to what your experience has been with this and why you happen to be so observant about my situation. Are there similarities that happened to you?

 

When a man truly is in love with a woman, deep and emotionally, there is nothing that will keep them away from her. Men can have a wonderful lusty fun relationship with you, call you the best woman, the nicest person....but if that to-the-core raw deep emotion isnt there, they can walk away, and will. They will enjoy the friendship, they will love the sex...but its not enough to keep them around. I was concerned in this long thread that he told you so many times about what a wonderful person you were, how much he liked you..... but I wasnt hearing where he told you he loved you. You can't make him have that emotional attachment to you, no matter how good the relationship was, or how attached you were to him.

 

I agree with you. I've been fallen in love with several times and I know that a man truly in love wouldn't leave, and even if he did it wouldn't be for long. It was just hard to grasp since he acted the way the other guys who fell in love acted. All my long term relationships, I didn't hear 'I love you' until 6 months in usually though.

 

He did tell me he loved me once, but I don't think he really meant love love. It was, "I really do love you!" As he was grappling with ending it with me due to his conflicting feelings for his ex that day of the brunch. The last two times he was with me he said things about 'I'm in love....' 'I love making love to you' but that was in the heat of passion and I don't think that was really love. It was.... apparently just infatuation. I know that.

Edited August 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, redact discussion of PM's and commerical sites