Recently Married and Having Issues About Past

[FMW]

I think Lotsgoingon probably hit on something important. If OP and his wife were having deeply connected sex, i.e. "making love", then I don't think he'd be feeling these insecurities. I think because he's unfulfilled, feels something is missing, he is obsessing about the drunken hookups in her past.

 

It sounds like your wife might benefit from counseling. She probably felt used and disgusted about those past hookups and they are certainly nothing you should feel jealous of, I'm sure.

 

But I don't understand her not being able to do the things you listed that she admitted to doing with these other guys with you when it would be in a loving and safe emotional place. But as DKT3 noted, maybe it's because she doesn't feel safe with you, emotionally, to be fully open and comfortable. That may be because she feels your judgment of her, of her drinking in the past and in the present. You do seem to have claimed the moral high ground for yourself and that isn't going to help.

 

I think you do sound controlling, but I think it's probably because you don't feel satisfied with the relationship and you fear losing her.

 

Counseling would likely help, I hope she can see that it's important to you and agree.

[usa1ah]

Because she is not obligated by the simple fact that they are married to have beads shoved in her a$$ while he plows her just because she did it at a different time in her life.

 

I agree there should be some give and take in the bedroom, but you don't get to dictate what your partner is and isn't comfortable with.

 

I don’t think he ever said anything about that. It also sounds like they are a young couple.

 

She should have stated from the beginning how she was in college and she will only be vanilla from here on out.

 

I still believe it is a lack of sexual attraction on her part. It sounds as if she found a “safe husband” and settled.

Edited July 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Art_Critic]

If you hadn't of met your wife what would your number be today ? 20 ?

 

This idea that she is less of a person and shouldn't be trusted because she had sex with 20 guys is nutzo, oh.. yeah you sound wayyyy controlling.

 

BTW, 20 isn't a high number, just higher than yours.

Numbers are leading and the older you get and have more relationships the more the numbers go up.

 

I do think you need to talk to someone about this, it seems you look down on the woman you love and married and all because of some cockeyed reason you created in your head about what she was supposed to live her life like before she met you.

 

Your marriage is doomed unless you change your way of thinking and stop leaning on her like you have been.

[Art_Critic]

She should have stated from the beginning how she was in college and she will only be vanilla from here on out.

 

I've been married almost 11 years and haven't a clue what my wife's numbers are..

That is her business not mine...

 

In almost 11 years of marriage I can tell you I've had more than 20 one night stands with my wife .. see... numbers mean nothing...

 

It's all in how you look at sexual intercourse...

Edited July 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[usa1ah]

The number of guys isn’t the issue here.

 

I could care less how many guys op’s Wife has been with.

 

The issue is that she refuses everything he wants to try in bed. Him knowing full well she has done them before from her own mouth.

 

She doesn’t care enough about her husband to even compromise on any of it, it’s a flat no get over it.

 

I wonder what the discussion would be if the roles were reversed. I guarantee people would be telling the wife to leave that your husband is more then likely asexual.

[Art_Critic]

The issue is that she refuses everything he wants to try in bed. Him knowing full well she has done them before from her own mouth.

 

She doesn’t care enough about her husband to even compromise on any of it, it’s a flat no get over it.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with her not caring about him, just because she did something with one guy doesn't mean she has to do it or offer to do it with her husband.. WTF..

 

and the number is an issue with the thread starter, while you may not have a problem with the number he does

 

You can't force your desires or sexual needs on another..

[usa1ah]

Actually twenty is a high number in my opinion. We all have one you know. It doesn’t make either of us right or wrong.

 

But like you said it’s all in how you look at intimacy.

 

The problem I see is they have a difference in how the two of them view intimacy. They should have hashed this out before marriage. Then they should have found others that shared their own thoughts on the matter.

[usa1ah]

I don't think it has anything to do with her not caring about him, just because she did something with one guy doesn't mean she has to do it or offer to do it with her husband.. WTF..

 

and the number is an issue with the thread starter, while you may not have a problem with the number he does

 

You can't force your desires or sexual needs on another..

 

She won’t do any of it. Are you so self righteous you can’t see this from the op’s Point of view.

 

Who said anything about forcing anyone?

 

Op is just upset and confused because his wife would do all of this with strangers but won’t with the guy she is supposed to be in love with. It wasn’t just one guy she did it with. It was over 20 guys she did these sexual acts with. She can’t even do one of them for her husband out of love for him.

 

Then why in the hell did she marry OP? It sure wasn’t because she was sexually attracted to him. Nor was it because she loves him. Because love causes use to want to do things for those we love.

[usa1ah]

OP never said he had a problem with the number she has been with.

 

He has a problem with the fact she was willing and able to do certain sexual acts with over twenty different guys but not with him.

[Art_Critic]

Who said anything about forcing anyone?

 

She doesn't have to do any of it and you are the one who is discussing forcing someone.. if a person doesn't want to do it and you think they should and press your will on theirs then you have forced them..

 

As far as you other comment, I am one of the least self righteous people you would ever meet so your rude comment has no weight and shows you would rather attack and force your opinion on me.. hummmmm

[usa1ah]

She doesn't have to do any of it and you are the one who is discussing forcing someone.. if a person doesn't want to do it and you think they should and press your will on theirs then you have forced them..

 

As far as you other comment, I am one of the least self righteous people you would ever meet so your rude comment has no weight and shows you would rather attack and force your opinion on me.. hummmmm

 

Read your last past to myself. “WTF” that’s not attacking me?

 

As far as “forcing someone”, that called is rape.

 

There is a difference between talking and discussing something and saying we are going to do this if you like it or not.

 

I have never said anything about OP raping his wife or forcing her to do anything. If that is what you have taken from my post you have misunderstood what I posted. I also believe you have misunderstood what the op has posted as well

 

Good day.

[Els]

d0nnivain,

 

Some great points ... of course, lots of this wife's college sex life wasn't great ... and probably is tinted with shame.

 

But not necessarily so ... and not completely so.

 

There's an equally likely chance that she's overstating the drunkenness ... because she doesn't want to own up to her sexual appetites as a younger person ...especially if she thinks her husband, the OP, will judge her ... which he certainly is (society too judges young women's sexuality).

 

I realize I'm giving the husband a sympathetic reading here ... because I have experienced something like this ...

 

I'm thinking there is some current disconnect because if the OP and his wife were able to make deep passionate love ... which is way better than anything else ... I think that puts to rest ... all the husband's worry about her previous kink.

 

My guess: they're not making deep passionate love ... he knows that ... he feels it ... So he's thinking of kink ... She's probably uncomfortable discussing her lack of lust ... because well ... she wishes it weren't true (as someone said on this board about another matter).

 

We're all guessing here ... but I have noticed that if I'm feeling good in the present moment ... my worries about someone's past ... just seem to evaporate ...

 

Lots of women don't even have their first partnered orgasm until they're out of college, despite having had plenty of sex in the interim. If the OP's wife says she did it out of low self esteem and didn't enjoy it, I'd believe her. Unless there's a deeper trust issue here?

 

Frankly I have no idea what the OP is hoping to achieve by talking about past sexual acts to such gory detail.

 

That being said, it's entirely understandable for the OP to feel frustrated if they're sexually incompatible. But surely this should have been noticed and discussed BEFORE you got married???

[Maraud3r]

OK, my guy, we get it. She was wild and crazy in college. It doesn't mean she's obligated to do those things in perpetuity.

No, it doesn't. People can make choices. She made hers. The question isn't whether she's obligated to do these things. The question is how OP feels about her having been willing to do these things, with a huge number of men but refusing to indulge him in any kind of way beyond the most basic she has to do to keep him around. It gives us an insight into their relationship dynamics. It gives us an insight into their disposition towards one another.

 

I'd argue the stuff here, is very much the wrong way around. It's being willing to do more, give more, put in more effort and care into casual flings and hook ups and doing so with a great many of them. While barely being able to be bothered to put in the most basic of effort when a relationship that should matter is concerned.

 

That's nonsense.

So is marrying her in my opinion. So is getting into a relationship with her. OP is getting all the baggage, all the damage that has been done, all the fallout but none of the perks. You can be certain that most of these guys wouldn't have dreamed of getting with her. Actions and choices have consequences, at time dire ones. If I'm an alcoholic this is going to stay with me my entire life. It is forever going to change who I am, how I compose myself, what I can do etc. It's not going away ever again.

 

Again, I think they need to find some sort of compromise, but the OP forcing her to do things in the bedroom that she isn't comfortable with sure isn't going to enhance their marriage.

I don't think he's "forcing" her to do these things, no? He seems mostly upset that she would do such things with complete strangers and huge numbers of strangers but refuse to even put in the most basic of efforts when it comes to the man she is supposedly in love with and wants to spend the rest of her life with. It makes him seem like the doormat who picked up the tab once everyone was done having their fun. And yes I realize this is a very uncharitable interpretation of both of them.

 

The compromise here is simple. Divorce. Their relationship is already going down the drain. They're fundamentally mismatched both in experience, what they want out of a relationship and what they are willing to invest. Both their pasts have consequences and those are now catching up to them. OP is the type of guy you find a bunch of memes about on less friendly websites. As is his wife for that matter.

 

I agree with this. I think the problem is that men will never understand how women hate these type of activities. Men think women secretly like all this stuff because they've seen it in porn. Trust me, no woman likes anything up her butt or any of the other stuff written.

Two points of contestation here:

 

1. There is no "all women do X". Different people have different interests. You might not like it, many others might not. Others, many others do. From role play, to bdsm, all the way to some less savory stuff the range of taste runs wide.

 

2. If you don't like this stuff but are willing to do it with complete strangers, a great many strangers. Debasing yourself in the process and picking up a bunch of issues concerning sexual relations but want to keep sex with the person you supposedly love, care for and want to spend your life with down to five minutes of humping once a week with lights out. Then I would question your decision making to the point where I'd bail.

 

Once again you are wholly allowed to make such decisions. However they come with consequences and imply certain things about you. Which in turn allows other people to make their own decisions. Which you wont get to question either.

 

I really do not see it as "wild and crazy" more like "sad and desperate for attention". No woman is happy about doing these sorts of activities. They hurt and are demeaning. We only do them when we suffer from poor self esteem.

 

Now I am aware men like these activities and sometimes women need to suffer through them at times, to appease the guy so he leaves her alone, so to speak. But OP's method is not winning his wife over one bit. It is the wrong way to get a woman to do something she does not want to do.

Just to be absolutely frank. There's so much wrong with what you write. If I were the guy here I'd run for the hills first chance given and never look back.

[Blanco]

No, it doesn't. People can make choices. She made hers. The question isn't whether she's obligated to do these things. The question is how OP feels about her having been willing to do these things, with a huge number of men but refusing to indulge him in any kind of way beyond the most basic she has to do to keep him around. It gives us an insight into their relationship dynamics. It gives us an insight into their disposition towards one another.

 

But I get the sense that she was in a much different place then. It doesn't sound like she had much value for herself, and looked to compensate by basically being the girl that we dudes see every day in porn.

 

I do think some compromise (i.e. different positions) is totally within reason, and if the OP's wife isn't willing to do that, then yes, there's an issue. But her having no interest in some of the things that OP described her doing in college isn't something that can reasonably be held against her. She did it, but it doesn't mean she LIKED it. Maybe she hated it. Maybe those things trigger memories of a time when she felt worthless. We don't know. But I don't think it's as binary as saying, "She did it with guys in college, so she should do it now."

[Els]

No, it doesn't. People can make choices. She made hers. The question isn't whether she's obligated to do these things. The question is how OP feels about her having been willing to do these things, with a huge number of men but refusing to indulge him in any kind of way beyond the most basic she has to do to keep him around. .

 

 

I disagree with the poster you quoted, but frankly this is just bizarre. So even if you knew your partner hated doing specific sexual acts but did it in the past because she was in a bad place due to the death of a friend, you would STILL want her to do them with you? How does this even compute? How can you claim to love someone and care about them if you don't see anything wrong with this?

 

 

 

And yes, I don't doubt that she disliked the acts. While plenty of people DO in fact enjoy all sorts of sexual acts, the simple fact is that you want to keep doing something that you enjoy. If she doesn't want to, chances are she doesn't enjoy it.

 

 

 

If they're sexually incompatible, a divorce might be necessary, but that's neither her fault nor his.

[Maraud3r]

But I get the sense that she was in a much different place then. It doesn't sound like she had much value for herself, and looked to compensate by basically being the girl that we dudes see every day in porn.

I was in a much different place when I robbed that convenience store/made those debts/punched that random person. I've left that behind!

 

Frankly speaking. It doesn't matter. It was still her who did these things. Empty phrases like "I changed", "I'm not that person anymore", "I was in a different place" are example that. Empty phrases and excuses for past behaviour one doesn't want to own up to.

 

then yes, there's an issue.

I would say there already is. They both have theirs. He has relatively little experience, she has an insane ammount. He'd like to do more things, she was willing to do those with everyone but the guy she supposedly loves.

 

Here's the thing. This to me seems as if she doesn't really desire him. As if she isn't really interested in him. As if she is mostly with him because he's safe, docile and a doormat unlike the guys she used to be with. Which now that he acts out, rapidly kills the entire thing.

 

I don't think they're going to patch this up, this is just going to be worse and worse over time for BOTH of them.

be held against her.

Ones actions can ALWAYS be held against them unless they were done under duress. From taking the last cookie to assasination J.F.K. You made a choice, own up to it.

Maybe those things trigger memories of a time when she felt worthless.

This sounds almost like a good argument to stay clear of her though. If he past actions and behaviour have permanently scared her and introduced various problems then this should be considered before getting together with her or commiting to any kind of relationship.

 

Once again I'm not saying he's completely right. He's insecure and inexperienced but at least the former isn't entirely without merrit in this case.

 

you would STILL want her to do them with you?

Hell no, absolutely not. I'd be out of there in an instant. I wouldn't want to do these things, it would however make me question the relationship, her commitment and her feelings towards me.

 

How can you claim to love someone and care about them if you don't see anything wrong with this?

Once again. I wouldn't want it. I would however use it as a reason to find love and closeness somewhere else. In a better place. One that isn't fundamentally messed up beyond salvageable levels.

 

Also one in which the person doesn't appear to be unwilling to do even the most basic things with a person they're supposedly in love. When they were happy to do it with dozens if not more of people they barely knew. It tells you a lot about their decision making process, about them as a person and how much the "love" they claim to offer is truly worth.

 

If they're sexually incompatible, a divorce might be necessary, but that's neither her fault nor his.

I would actually blame him for the overall situation to be honest. He without fail zeroed in on a woman who was his polar opposite in terms of sexual history. A woman who had so many red flags and baggage most people would've given her a wide berth.

 

For the relationship dynamics themselves, there's a different party more or less guilty for the various things plagueing it. But for the relationship at large, that was his choice.

[Blanco]

I was in a much different place when I robbed that convenience store/made those debts/punched that random person. I've left that behind!

 

So because she did those things in college, she should be obligated to continue doing them until the day she dies? You've never gone through phases or done things that you later regretted?

 

Frankly speaking. It doesn't matter. It was still her who did these things. Empty phrases like "I changed", "I'm not that person anymore", "I was in a different place" are example that. Empty phrases and excuses for past behaviour one doesn't want to own up to.

 

How has she not owned up to it? She didn't downplay her past. She, at the OP's request, gave him all of the details. That she no longer wants to do those things isn't the same as not owning up to her past.

 

This sounds almost like a good argument to stay clear of her though. If he past actions and behaviour have permanently scared her and introduced various problems then this should be considered before getting together with her or commiting to any kind of relationship.

 

I'm not saying she doesn't have potential issues that she should work out. That isn't the same as "She should let her husband do any of the things to her that she's had done to her before."

[Blanco]

Every girl I've dated has had different sexual tastes and preferences. Part of being a good sexual partner, I think, is to be in tune with what the other person wants and is OK with. Some girls I've been with weren't really into certain things that others went along without any hesitation. I never really had an issue making the necessary adjustments to make sure that we both were finding the experience an enjoyable one.

 

While we have things we do and don't like, our tastes aren't fortified. They can evolve over time and with different partners. What we enjoy or are willing to try today doesn't mean we will still want to do those things 5 or 10 years from now.

 

As for the OP, I don't know. I do wonder if some of the things he feels he's being deprived of are things he'd even want to do if he was unaware of his wife's past. His reaction to her obliging his request to divulge her history makes me think this is just another way of letting his own insecurities run wild.

[basil67]

Has anyone mentioned the connection between the wife feeling controlled (and possibly emotionally unsafe) and not particularly wanting adventurous sex with her husband?

 

Problems inside the bedroom frequently stem from problems outside the bedroom.

[Tristian]

As the OP hasn't returned in over a week we'll close this one up for now.

 

 

 

If the OP wishes to update they can request the thread reopened by alerting on this post.