Post Divorce - exW & AP

[Adiron]

How does your girlfriend feel about this? I think it’s a little bit disrespectful towards her to keep her behind closed doors.

 

 

Do you think his girlfriend asked how his WIFE felt when she was having sex with him? I think it's a little disrespectful to a woman to be having sex with her husband.

[HiCrunchy]

How does your girlfriend feel about this? I think it’s a little bit disrespectful towards her to keep her behind closed doors. Why are you still hiding her? I don’t think your ex-wife should have much of an input on how you conduct your relationship post D. Have your kids met the girlfriend?

 

He doesn't have to hide his gf/affair partner, but if he wants to be more of a decent human, working to minimize the hurt for his ex spouse is the least he could do.

 

This means not trying to having his wife and ap in the same room and share Christmas presents and hang as a family. That isn't gonna work at all, even though that is what op would want. Too much pain caused by the betrayal.

 

I think he should do what I suggested about switching off regarding events with the children.

 

If I was the ex wife I would avoid them both like the plague and only talk with my ex husband regarding the children and nothing more. I wouldn't acknowledge the OWs existence.

[afoolto no end]

I think that your wife is really hurt by all that was your choice not hers.

I think the answer is give her some more time it will only hurt her more if she hears from others or sees you two together. This kind of thing has to go easy I know your happy and moved on with your AP, you two already know the pain you have caused, why push it even farther, this is just one of those things that has to go slowly, 15 months is nothing.

I know you owe her nothing at this point your divorced but a happy mom for your kids is the best thing.

For now you can go other places and spend time with the children where your wife is not.

This is going to take a little time and respect.... Your ex-wife will eventually understand the AP is staying.

But don't be the reason she gets hurt anymore.

I agree with having a respectful conversation with her about this, ask how you can respect her when it comes to your AP that you don't want to hurt anyone anymore and then just have your life with AP. Respecting the situation

I know I would be destroyed seeing my husband with his AP. It's a kind of pain that doesn't go away quickly.

It takes time to process and accept..a lot of time

At least you cared enough to ask

[Birdies]

I am someone who had an affair, got divorced, and am now in a long-term relationship with AP. So I understand the conundrum, although neither of us have children.

 

Just be kind. You’ve already hurt your wife enormously.... can you and AP keep out of the public eye for a while, until everything settles down? If you’re still together in 6 months or a year, then begin bringing her to events. But it’s just a little cruel to begin doing so quickly. (Yes, despite the “lengthy separation”.)

[whichwayisup]

I have honored my ex W request and we have kept a low profile but now that divorce is over, I am not going to be shy about being out and about with her when she's visiting. My ex W is bound to meet her at some point.

 

 

Now I know they will not become best friends but what advice would you give me to help make sure we all get along in public? After divorce settlement ex W and I have been working in a very positive fashion to move forward and remain friends. I would love for us to invite each other and our new SO to kids events - graduation parties for example.

 

Time...DO not rush to involve your children. They need time to adjust to all the changes and so do you. The affair dynamic has to die first and you and your gf need to create a healthy relationship and be in a trusting strong place before the kids meet her.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks - lots of good advice but also some judgey comments (maybe deserved).

 

 

We've been separated for 15 months (and officially divorced now) and I have kept my AP/gf behind the scenes so to speak. Not going to kids events, not going to restaurants/bars my ex W typically goes to, not posting anything on social media.

 

 

I have taken it slow but I am not going to keep gf behind closed doors. I would take my gf to kids sporting events at some point. I guess taking it slow is best. I was wondering if I should reach out to ex W and get her input. What do you think?

 

It's too soon to introduce her to your kids or even have that conversation with your ex. Do date, and go out with her but there's no reason to involve her in their lives yet. As for you and your ex, just be the best co parents to your kids and put them first always. She needs time to adjust and accept life is different and to grieve the loss since she didn't want the marriage to end. You choose someone else so just respect your ex's feelings. And don't let your gf call the shots here or push to meet the kids. The timing has to be right with your ex's blessing. I mean how would you feel if the situation was reversed, would you want another man around your kids so quickly after a separation and divorce? Doubt it..

[Starswillshine]

How old are the children?

 

As the BS, who is now going through a divorce, I told my WH that he is free to date whomever he so pleases... EXCEPT AP. I will put myself in the poor house to prevent this. Of course, I do have grounds. She is very much a bunny boiler type. Lots of harassment from her towards me. Documented. Thankfully, she does not live close.

 

Dont know why the immediate need to have AP present at family functions? It can wait. Your children need to have time to adjust to their new normal.

 

In regards to anyone new my husband decides to date, I did ask him before he started to have her spending considerable amount of time with my children (meeting them a few times is one thing but being a presence in their lives, a different) that we all go have dinner or sit down for drinks or something. Because I want to know the person my children will be spending time with. Of course, he isnt required, but it would be the respectful thing. And I would do the same.

[Prudence V]

It's up to your ex-wife and your AP to behave in a mature and respectful way. If your ex-wife is not able to do that, then you tell her in no uncertain terms that her behavior is not acceptable.

 

Agree.

 

Keeping your GF hidden maintains the EMR dynamic and your GF is unlikely to stand for it for long. If you are not prepared to have a proper, full R with her, she will move on. Your xW will just have to a return that she is your X, not your W, and deal with it. If she can’t, she’s free to move somewhere where she does not have to see you and your GF together. It is not your and your GF’s role to protect her from reality.

 

That said, there is no need to push her into your kids’ lives until your R is established enough and all parties (kids and GF) are ready. Dreams of everyone getting on in the same space are just dreams. Perhaps one day she will find a new partner and move on, but even then she may never accept your moving on. My H and his xW have avoided each other like the plague since he left her more than a decade ago, and it’s likely they always will. That’s fine. We see no need to play happy extended families with her, and I’m sure she feels the same. Lives have diverged and there are plenty of ways everyone can “share” occasions with the kids without having to be in the same space.

[BaileyB]

Agree.

 

Keeping your GF hidden maintains the EMR dynamic and your GF is unlikely to stand for it for long. If you are not prepared to have a proper, full R with her, she will move on. Your xW will just have to a return that she is your X, not your W, and deal with it. If she can’t, she’s free to move somewhere where she does not have to see you and your GF together. It is not your and your GF’s role to protect her from reality.

 

To be clear, I have also strongly advised OP that it would be in his best interest not to push his new girlfriend on his ex-wife and children. If it was me, I would not necessarily keep her hidden as in she may see them out for dinner or in the community. But, I would not be bringing her to the children's sporting events, school functions, or family holidays events... out of respect for his children and his ex-wife.

Edited June 30, 2018 by BaileyB

[minimariah]

It is not your and your GF’s role to protect her from reality.

actually - it is on the girlfriend to adapt to an already existing family, not the other way around. besides - i don't think OP's children met the GF; which would explain the part about xW wanting to protect them from town gossip.

 

In my opinion the least you could do is to find yourself another bar or a restaurant to go to - that's just a small act of kindness, empathy, common courtesy... even though i'm aware the latter is a completely unknown concept to many.

 

...all parties (kids and GF) are ready.

and the MOTHER - she also needs to be aware of who gets to be around her children. i mean... there is a looooong way between "avoiding each other like a plague" & "playing happy extended families" - it always baffled me how absolutely unable people are to get to that golden middle. and it IS possible, i'm writing from personal experience.

 

the OP won't achieve anything if he tries to force the girlfriend into his children's lives - it has barely even been a year, for crying out loud! why is that A THING among WS & AP? literally, all of them try to press fast forward so they don't have to deal with a bunch of problems, that require WORK.

 

sure - the W will have to accept the OP's new partner - but his new partner will ALSO have to accept the W. the worst - and ironically, the most common thing you'll see in an other woman = entitlement. they can't let go of the competition to save their lives, let alone actually ACCEPTING (not ignoring) partner's old life.

 

I have taken it slow but I am not going to keep gf behind closed doors.

 

you're not keeping her behind the closed doors - she is not a secret.

 

at this point... she has no business whatsoever being at your children's events - i doubt she is a relevant person in those children's lives si ehy do you insist so much on bringing her around?

Edited July 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Lots of good advice. Thanks

 

 

I think to sum up things, I will be respectful to xW and not be going to the same places my xW typically goes to and hold off on bringing gf to kids sporting events.

 

 

I think I will send email to xW asking her input on things to do, avoid, etc. so as not to throw any more pain her way. Knowing my xW she will say my gf/AP should not be around kids. IMO that is not realistic.

[BurnedAndLost]

Lots of good advice. Thanks

 

 

I think to sum up things, I will be respectful to xW and not be going to the same places my xW typically goes to and hold off on bringing gf to kids sporting events.

 

 

I think I will send email to xW asking her input on things to do, avoid, etc. so as not to throw any more pain her way. Knowing my xW she will say my gf/AP should not be around kids. IMO that is not realistic.

It is realistic. Lots of people manage to date without involving the kids.

[niteandfog]

It is realistic. Lots of people manage to date without involving the kids.

 

it is sometimes unrealistic unless separate lives are lived especially if AP’s live together.

[WasOtherWoman]

So as OW, turned wife (many years ago) i agree with the majority of the folks here. If you are thinking long term with your AP, take it all slow.

 

I did not even meet anyone in my H's family until we were married, by design. I did not have an affair to remain a girlfriend, I do regret that our relationship began as an affair, and regardless of the shape of their marriage when I came along, or who did what to whom, I was firmly in the wrong.. and owned it.

 

So - I didn't meet anyone till after we were married, and on my turf. (His kids were already grown). They were welcomed into our life, rather than vice versa. And when I did meet his wife (I think at step daughter's college graduation, or something like that) I made sure to stay low key and that she was comfortable.

 

Taking it all slow paid off.... ancient history now, but we are all good. We co-parent and share grandkids together, plan family events together, occasionally get together for holidays and genuinely like one another (she is way more fun than I am!!)

 

Best to not push it, in my humble opinion. Especially if you are viewing your affair partner as long term.

[BurnedAndLost]

it is sometimes unrealistic unless separate lives are lived especially if AP’s live together.

Well nobody should be moving their SO in that quickly. That is selfish and not in the best Interest of the kids no matter what excuse is given. People who date responsibly with kids generally wait a couple of years before trying to blend families this way. Forcing romantic partners on your children soon after a divorce is gross. Edited July 3, 2018 by BurnedAndLost

[ladydesigner]

Yeah that would never work I'd have to have NC with the AP. It's a major reason I haven't divorced yet. I don't want my kids exposed to an AP.

[niteandfog]

Well nobody should be moving their SO in that quickly. That is selfish and not in the best Interest of the kids no matter what excuse is given. People who date responsibly with kids generally wait a couple of years before trying to blend families this way. Forcing romantic partners on your children soon after a divorce is gross.

 

The main reason behind that is that new partners should be a permanent figure and not change them ever so often. Besides all kids got to the same school, so my daughter would have figured it out eventually anyways, better to know it from em and introduce him as a nice guy, than somebody else telling her he wrecked her family (which is not the case anyways, but she shouldn’t be exposed to any of that).