Why did you cheat and/or accepted being the other person

[TheRainbow]

I can't sleep but something my husband said before he went to bed this evening got me thinking.

 

He asked me what the other men (there was a few of them throughout our relationship) but the other man (younger daughter biological father) in general had that he didn't. I told him like he did every time he asked, that it was nothing that he has done. He said there is something lacking otherwise I wouldn't have gone back to him. Then he said who was I trying to convince? Because he said I'll never find peace if I don't find the answer.

 

I am trying to think about it. The first guy I cheated on my husband with, was the same age as me, back when I was 19/20. I don't remember him being all that attracted. I just liked the attention but I never really liked him, liked him beyond casual friends with benefits. The emotional affair, where I was falling for a co-worker was probably the closest I had felt to feeling any kind of connection in any of my affairs. He was attractive, kind and we had a lot in common. But I also really liked my husband. So I decided to be honest.

 

Then there is the one night stand the night before our wedding night. That one meant nothing. It was stupid.

 

Then there is the other man. The three-year affair, which stopped, only to start up again. So in total half my marriage I had been cheating with this man. The other man is 37 years old. He was average looking. He was very charming and told me what I wanted to here. Our affair only happened during work hours. I never took the affair home. My husband wouldn't have ever found out if it wasn't for a disgruntled employee. When he found out, I almost threw in the table. It was a mixture of shame, and me being in some kind of fantasy.

 

My husband is the best looking man I have ever been with. He is the kindest and most honest man I met. So I do think at the end of the day it's me. I think the only thing he could have done differently was grown a backbone, but even then I don't know if it would have made a difference.

 

I ask myself everyday why? I accepted being someone sloppy seconds. My husband treated our family and me as a top priority. I feel so guilty ending my marriage.

 

Everyone, what is your insight? Why did you cheat and/or accept being the other person in an apparent dishonest, dysfunctional relationship?

[victoria5]

I never accepted being the other person. Our arguments centered on his disrespect and selfishness. It was a failed waiting game. I have enough self-awareness to know when a relationship is toxic.

 

It sounds like you disintegrated the trust and intimacy in your own marriage and you are wondering if the issue lies with you and/or with your husband? At the end of the day, it's probably both.

 

Why the BS stays is beyond me except justifications and excuses--because I wonder statistically, after the betrayal--how many have another affair--how many "lurk" or pester the OW/OP--how many feel zero remorse. How many genuinely acknowledge their mistake and use this travesty to further strengthen their marriage?

 

I see adultery as a great social ill for its debilitating effect on the institution of marriage and family. I can understand the origin of decency laws today.

[carhill]

He asked me what the other men (there was a few of them throughout our relationship) but the other man (younger daughter biological father) in general had that he didn't.

 

Time.....

 

MW's are, generally IME, time and attention sucks. It's easier to hoover attention from a guy who wants to get in their pants than peer female friends who have their own attention-seeking agendas. Path of least resistance. Sex is that, no doubt. Doesn't have to be PIV, just the mental lubrication that goes along with it.

 

Why accept it? When young and dumb, believed women. Now, don't care. Any particular interaction with other humans isn't going to make or break my life or cause me to die any easier or more pleasantly. The more good people I know who die the more that's reinforced. Once one divorces expectation from discrete interaction life gets far easier and less complicated. Accept the moment.

[stillafool]

My husband is the best looking man I have ever been with. He is the kindest and most honest man I met. So I do think at the end of the day it's me. I think the only thing he could have done differently was grown a backbone, but even then I don't know if it would have made a difference.

This is good to hear about your husband; as he will be snapped up immediately when he heals.

 

I ask myself everyday why? I accepted being someone sloppy seconds.

But, you were also someone else's sloppy seconds so I wouldn't feel too bad about that if I were you. Edited June 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[BaileyB]

When you are a serial cheater, the issue is definitely you. At the end of the day, I don't think there was anything your husband could have done to prevent this. I don't think he holds any responsibility.

 

The person who needed to grow a backbone is you. What you have done to him is just, plain, wrong.

 

Why you did what you did, that is for you to discover in therapy. Why he accepted this for so long, also for him to discover in therapy.

 

If you continue to look for answers in the other man, you are both looking in the wrong direction. You have pretty much proven with your past choices that it could have have literally been just about anyone who paid you any attention...

Edited June 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[TheRainbow]

It sounds like you disintegrated the trust and intimacy in your own marriage and you are wondering if the issue lies with you and/or with your husband? At the end of the day, it's probably both.

 

The intimacy in our own marriage was great. I never preferred sex with other people to him. As for the trust, it's tainted but he so easily forgived me and never gave me any consequences. The first time I was caught with the affair from the other man, he tried to be firm in me quitting my job and when I said I wanted a divorce. He really should have let me go.

 

But it's in the past. I'm nearly done packing. I really thought we had more stuff.

[Ruby Slippers]

My situation is a mere sliver of most of the stories here.

 

About a year ago, an unhappily married man contacted me online. We've been corresponding off and on since then, eventually dreaming about potential for us to be together someday. His story is that he's unhappily married, they sleep in separate rooms, and he's planning to leave in a few years after his youngest kid reaches a certain age. I've made it clear I'm not going to meet up with a married man, or wait around. But I've enjoyed listening and advising. That's second nature for me.

 

I've communicated with him because I'm single, he's intelligent and erudite, and it's been very educational. During this time I've had brief conversations with other unhappily married men online and learned there are tons of people in unfulfilling marriages, usually staying for practical reasons, kids and money.

 

Even though I haven't found the right man yet, I'm so glad I'm not stuck in a disappointing marriage like so many people.

[Adiron]

I ask myself everyday why? I accepted being someone sloppy seconds. My husband treated our family and me as a top priority. I feel so guilty ending my marriage.

 

 

Interesting perspective from the mind of a serial cheater. You feel guilty ending the marriage but not deceiving your husband (who treated you and his family as top priority), breaking the marital vows, exposing him to potentially fatal STDs and giving HIM sloppy seconds.

 

 

Maybe you need to ask yourself different questions.

[AlwaysGrowing]

My situation is a mere sliver of most of the stories here.

 

About a year ago, an unhappily married man contacted me online. We've been corresponding off and on since then, eventually dreaming about potential for us to be together someday. His story is that he's unhappily married, they sleep in separate rooms, and he's planning to leave in a few years after his youngest kid reaches a certain age. I've made it clear I'm not going to meet up with a married man, or wait around. But I've enjoyed listening and advising. That's second nature for me.

 

I've communicated with him because I'm single, he's intelligent and erudite, and it's been very educational. During this time I've had brief conversations with other unhappily married men online and learned there are tons of people in unfulfilling marriages, usually staying for practical reasons, kids and money.

 

Even though I haven't found the right man yet, I'm so glad I'm not stuck in a disappointing marriage like so many people.

 

Just like the OP, many claiming to be in unhappy marriages are the ones causing the friction.

 

It is far easier to look at our partner as being the cause of our unhappiness instead of critiqueing our own role. Changing partners doesnt require the difficult introspective work to change OURSELF. Most of us do not acknowledge our failings and shortcomings to self, we seek others to tell us how wonderful we are.....which only continues the unhealthy cycle of pointing fingers.

 

A healthy person understands that life has ebbs and flows and seeks to gather new coping skills or strategies to navigate life. They seek to learn about who they are becoming as the age and understand that “happiness” comes from within.

 

At the end of the day, few are willing to challenge themselves. Putting the onus on their partner to make them “happy” only sets their partner up for failure. For if my partner “failed me” the self narrative is that they are the issue, I am just fantastic the way I have always been. Lies to self are the most destructive.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm definitely aware that I'm only hearing one side of the story. It sounds to me as though he needs to have more backbone with his wife - but his counter to that is that he tried many approaches including counseling, and eventually resigned from the fight for the sake of a peaceful home environment for the kids. I think sometimes a marriage just runs its course. According to him, they both know and accept that the romantic aspects of the marriage are over, and they're just cohabiting for practical reasons, mainly the kids.

 

I don't completely agree with what a lot of people here say, that staying for the kids is an excuse. I'm inclined to think that, too. But he comes from a traditional old-school culture and is pretty conservative, feels strongly that it's better to sacrifice for the kids' benefit than pursue personal desires. Of course he's torn, because he knows the years are slipping by while he goes without affection or emotional support. But he's trying to be responsible and do the right thing as a father.

 

Though he almost seems to want me to try to pull him away, I told him I won't try to influence his judgment. I did tell him that according to research, children are happier with divorced happy parents than married unhappy ones. But ultimately, these decisions are personal and none of my business. He'll have to figure out what's best for himself.

[Ravensglen]

OP,

I am a MW who engaged in EA with a MM, who was an ex from 10 years ago. Why did I do it? He contacted me and at first it was curiosity and catching up. Then it turned into him apologizing for dumping me and saying I was “the one who got away” etc, so I was very flattered. He claimed to be unhappy in his M, claims they sleep in separate rooms and haven’t been “intimate” in years. At the time I believed it hook line and sinker, tho now I know better. At the time I took him at his word. I work full time, have 2 little kids, my H also works ful time and goes to school, he was never there. I was lonely.

 

Why did I do it? I was flattered by the attention and I was lonely. The attention made me feel good (momentarily) — and I took my husband for granted. are these good reasons? No. But that is why.

[Lobouspo]

IME, lack of morals, poor self esteem, and daddy issues. Also, the ol' "I'm in an unhappy marriage and sleeping in separate bedrooms" is the oldest trick in the book by MM/MWs to bamboozle lonely and insecure people

[DKT3]

When you are a serial cheater, the issue is definitely you. At the end of the day, I don't think there was anything your husband could have done to prevent this. I don't think he holds any responsibility.

 

The person who needed to grow a backbone is you. What you have done to him is just, plain, wrong.

 

Why you did what you did, that is for you to discover in therapy. Why he accepted this for so long, also for him to discover in therapy.

 

If you continue to look for answers in the other man, you are both looking in the wrong direction. You have pretty much proven with your past choices that it could have have literally been just about anyone who paid you any attention...

 

When someone cheats they are ALWAYS the issue. My wife had an affair over a decade ago, I'm come very close to a revenge affair with a woman she hated who was all for it. I couldn't go through, but if I had would I have been able to say it was my wife's fault or because the marriage sucked at that point? Nah, at the end of the day the cheater makes the choice to cheat. There are so many more healthy ways to deal with issues in a marriage. My choice was divorce.

 

These situations are always over complicated, when its basically always the same. People don't veer far from core values, cheaters always show signs, and cheating is usually the apex of a trail of like behavior. Those behaviors are grounded in selfishness, lack of boundaries and cowardice.

[lftbehind]

IME, lack of morals, poor self esteem, and daddy issues. Also, the ol' "I'm in an unhappy marriage and sleeping in separate bedrooms" is the oldest trick in the book by MM/MWs to bamboozle lonely and insecure people

 

Sometimes it's true that they're in unhappy marriages and sleep in separate bedrooms. It's the case for me.

[Poppy47]

Sometimes it's true that they're in unhappy marriages and sleep in separate bedrooms. It's the case for me.

 

I am wondering why you live like that? Is there some reason you feel bound to stay in such an unhappy life style?

 

Poppy

[niteandfog]

I for the most part originally (and by this I mean like the first 10 days or even less...) Wanted to know how it felt to be with another man and to see how the "rush" of the affair feels. But it turned out that we fell in love and left our marriages to be together. All in the space of three months.

[noelle303]

I think everyone's reasons are different. I personally "accepted" being the other woman because I simply didn't even want anything more.

 

I met xMM, we had amazing chemistry and attraction and I was self-centred enough not to see a reason not to jump into this relationship. It wasn't love, I never wanted him to leave his wife nor was that ever the plan, he never talked about his marital issues and the situation was perfect for me because I wanted my freedom and no strings.

 

Everyone gets into an affair because of certain needs, it's just a matter of figuring out which.

[misspalmy]

i look at it. i didnt cheat im single he cheater. i was young and he was saying all the wrong stuff. i cant change the pass just move pass it

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

My husband is the best looking man I have ever been with. He is the kindest and most honest man I met. So I do think at the end of the day it's me. I think the only thing he could have done differently was grown a backbone, but even then I don't know if it would have made a difference.

 

I ask myself everyday why? I accepted being someone sloppy seconds. My husband treated our family and me as a top priority. I feel so guilty ending my marriage.

 

Everyone, what is your insight? Why did you cheat and/or accept being the other person in an apparent dishonest, dysfunctional relationship?

 

Of course it's you, I say that kindly. It's hard to say without know either of you in real life. It's probably - you don't feel worthy of someone bestowing you with so much love but at the same time, you probably don't really respect him as a man. That could be because of issues on your end (not respecting nice guys) or it could just be that you have certain preconceived notions about what a man is supposed to be and he's not it. Sometimes you just want out and it's that simple.

 

In terms of the cheating, poor impulse control, addicted to drama and excitement, not being able to say no, feeling flattered by attention, and then of course the hook - you know, where the guy you didn't really like showered you with attention and as soon as you are mildly interested, he pulls back and you are hooked, trying to get back to that place in his mind.

 

Many men here write that women cheat because of lack of boundaries and that is true but I think what precedes the lack of boundaries is this sense of not being able to say no, feeling bad turning down someone and this guilt you feel. People will say, what about the guilt towards your partner, and that's true, but in the beginning, you are unaware you are going down that road, you just feel bad ignoring someone who typically has done nothing wrong.

 

That's typically how it started for me. Some guy would cry on my shoulder about whatever and I'd get roped in. There are a lot of posts here where men think women have affairs to have all this wild sex but not really. It's more about feeling to be needed and being this savior to someone, a white knight, when everyone else in your life seems to only need you for what you do for them - you'e a mommy, you're a wife, you're a daughter. But here is this person and they just need you for you, and they adore you. And you feel like, finally, someone sees me for me. And you go down the rabbit hole.

 

Of course it's only after the fact do you see it's all a game to them. But at the time, you just did not see it. And you accept second best because it's a challenge and at the root of it, many of us want what we cannot have...or what someone else has. We become addicted to the drama and pain and longing.

 

Hopefully you see it now. I do. Hopefully you see that it's better to be alone than be someone's second best.

[BourneWicked]

 

There are a lot of posts here where men think women have affairs to have all this wild sex but not really. It's more about feeling to be needed and being this savior to someone, a white knight, when everyone else in your life seems to only need you for what you do for them - you'e a mommy, you're a wife, you're a daughter. But here is this person and they just need you for you, and they adore you. And you feel like, finally, someone sees me for me. And you go down the rabbit hole.

 

Of course it's only after the fact do you see it's all a game to them. But at the time, you just did not see it. And you accept second best because it's a challenge and at the root of it, many of us want what we cannot have...or what someone else has. We become addicted to the drama and pain and longing.

 

Hopefully you see it now. I do. Hopefully you see that it's better to be alone than be someone's second best.

 

 

 

100% this.

[whatcomesnext]

MidnightBlue, so much of what you said resonates. Especially the bit about “the hook” - trying so hard to get back to the priority position you are addicted to being in within the person’s mind - and the feeling of being seen and adored for who you are and not what you do. Not to mention overwhelming feelings of caring and passion and wanting to do things and be there for this person just because you want to, not because you are obligated to. In a weird way it almost felt selfless, even though wanting to be with MM was inherently selfish. Yet at the time it felt like this selfless feeling of caring so much for another person that you are under no obligation to care about. Like I would have done anything for him and derive pleasure from the doing of it. Hard to describe. Maybe others have felt this. I mourn the loss of that feeling. And it saddens me that he didn’t share that feeling. All fun and games until it’s not. Then the rug gets pulled out from under you and you realize it’s all an illusion. Hard to get back to baseline after feeling things so intensely. Hard to decipher or trust what it really means to love someone after that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MidnightBlue, so much of what you said resonates. Especially the bit about “the hook” - trying so hard to get back to the priority position you are addicted to being in within the person’s mind - and the feeling of being seen and adored for who you are and not what you do. Not to mention overwhelming feelings of caring and passion and wanting to do things and be there for this person just because you want to, not because you are obligated to. In a weird way it almost felt selfless, even though wanting to be with MM was inherently selfish. Yet at the time it felt like this selfless feeling of caring so much for another person that you are under no obligation to care about. Like I would have done anything for him and derive pleasure from the doing of it. Hard to describe. Maybe others have felt this. I mourn the loss of that feeling. And it saddens me that he didn’t share that feeling. All fun and games until it’s not. Then the rug gets pulled out from under you and you realize it’s all an illusion. Hard to get back to baseline after feeling things so intensely. Hard to decipher or trust what it really means to love someone after that.

 

Yes. The Hook. I've been here for a long time and there were many posts about the Hook, not so much lately. It's a real thing, also known as Intermittent Reinforcement. Google that terms esp with writing by "Teal Swan", much to read on it.

 

I do relate to everything you wrote. I can't really explain the "why" of why I felt so fulfilled helping another person with their issues, only that at the time, it fulfilled me to the extent where I also (temporarily) fixed a lot of the the same issues in my own life. It's a rush, being a Savior. The Ego fills you and you feel very powerful. And yes, I did not really get anything out of it, other than that rush. I understand what you mean.

 

Later on I would learn that he was saying the same stuff about his health to anyone with ears who might feel sorry for him but at the time, I did not know such things existed.

[misspalmy]

he made me feel good about my feel. he was like a drug i couldnt break from till i told his wife

[DKT3]

First I would like to say thank you. This thread, imho is the most genuine honest one I've ever seen in this section. I often ask myself, why do you continue to read and post here. The affair ended around 2007, we are reconciled and enjoying a stronger than ever bond. I tell myself I want to help people, those who can't see the road ahead is full of pain.

 

Yet this thread has made an emotional impact on me, and for some odd reason I found myself wiping away TWO tears, haha.

 

I'm going to TJ abit. You see at first I honestly thought it was my fault, then I realized it was a macho attempt to control her behavior but my own actions. You know, if I had done this or said that then she wouldn't have done..... Intellectually I know I'm not to blame for IT, but still after all this time those questions still aren't quite.

 

For whatever reason, reading this thread has given me some clarity on things she has told me about her state of mind that I really wrote off early on as BS.

 

Sorry for the TJ, and again thank you.

[Prudence V]

Everyone, what is your insight? Why did you cheat and/or accept being the other person in an apparent dishonest, dysfunctional relationship?

 

In our case the EMR wasn’t dishonest or dysfunctional. Being the “other person” wasn’t something I had to “accept” - that implies it was somehow not as good as some other kind of R. In reality, it was the best R either of us had ever had. And it showed up how dishonest and dysfunctional his M was, so he left his M and we got together full time.