jah526 Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 I agree with several of the posts here. Seems like many of the women here have empathy gone into overdrive where the MMs clearly have a deficit of it. It’s like two puzzle pieces that fit together. Even after a year of NC and the terrible way he treated me, I can walk by him and feel his brokenness and his loneliness, and it hurts me not to be able to reach out to him. I read somewhere that people who are involved with narcissists can feel how broken they are at the core, and that’s what keeps us going back, trying to fix it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 IMO most that cheat on some level fear rejection. If they didn't, they would tell their partner the truth of what they are feeling for another and would 1) resolve the issue/yearning/difference/whatever it is between them, or 2) resolve to have an open/poly experience/relationship, or 3) each go their own way. If the truth were told and explored... there wouldn't be cheating. Just a negotiated outcome. Maybe vitriolic and explosive... but still a known outcome. And an integral part of cheating is that it is not (generally) known. I dunno... in contemporary times we're told that the gold standard is a monogamous relationship where we are known to one another. That we should know and understand one another deeply. And I don't disagree with this. But it is scary... to be known for not just our light, but our deepest darkest spaces. The spaces that perhaps hanker for various kinks, or lust after certain features, or crave attention of a certain type, or fears mortality or irrelevance at middle age... I think many fear rejection from those they love if they reveal the dark depths of themselves. If they are truly 'intimate'. So they seek to express those desires elsewhere. They 'outsource' intimacy in a superficial way. So in a way those that indulge in infidelity choose to do so to protect themselves from rejection. But in doing so risk the very rejection they fear. I think a key question for anyone contemplating cheating is not why am I considering cheating... but why is this something I am choosing not to discuss with the one I supposedly love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Wow MidnightBlue, the Intermittent Reinforcement thing really hit home with me. I googled and read an article about it by Teal Swan, as you referenced, and saw myself so clearly. It explained the obsession perfectly. Not only is it the chemical addiction but also a psychological hook. How the "starvation" for the reinforcement (the attention) results in such intense relief once you receive it again it reinforces your feeling that this is a huge love and meant to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 Back to the original question: I was the single OW and got involved with a MM. I did it because we were a good match, in many aspects, and I didn’t want anything serious at that point in time anyways. MM never complained about lack of sex or anything else in his M, never said a bad word about his spouse or anything else that’s often referred to in here as “typical MM talk”. Like somebody else said on here, it has been the best relationship I’ve ever been in. And the whole thing developed from there. I also never felt I was second best. We are now no longer 0W & MM, and things are getting more stable and serious. It’s nothing I’ve ever “demanded”, as I walked into this R with eyes wide open, expecting things to run their course. I would’ve been sad if it had ended with a DDay, or a different kind of breakup. But I would’ve accepted it. It wasn’t my responsibility to turn things around, or steer his M into a different direction. That was solely on him, and - eventually - his now xW. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 I have had to admit to myself that I have tried repeatedly to use sex, in general, as a back-door entry into romantic relationships. I realized that I started doing this because the men I was interested in either were not interested in me for anything other than sex or I didn't even give them a chance to be interested in me before offering up my body (that is, beating them to the punch before they could reject me). The affair was the absolute height of this self-destructive behavior and misguided logic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 IMO most that cheat on some level fear rejection. If they didn't, they would tell their partner the truth of what they are feeling for another and would 1) resolve the issue/yearning/difference/whatever it is between them, or 2) resolve to have an open/poly experience/relationship, or 3) each go their own way. I find myself wondering how common my situation is - where the married person DOES completely honestly tell their partner how they're feeling and that they want to leave, and the spouse immediately gears up for a legal battle to make it as difficult as possible to get away without your life in tatters. I know a lot of people claim the fear of that happening is why they chicken out and just cheat instead. And in some jurisdictions leaving is a lot easier than others. Luckily we don't live in England, or we could be stuck with him unable to get a divorce for five years because his wife won't consent to it. But we've been honest and open pretty much the whole time, and it didn't actually resolve anything. Link to post Share on other sites
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