My story being the OM

[John J]

I(no kids) recently connected with a woman from my past and yes she is unhappily married with 3 kids(14 and under).Our relationship is based on both being in bad relationships(I left my girlfriend for her). The both of us spend as much time together as we can,basically "dating".The relationship is sexual and very loving,even talks of wanting to have my child. The connection we have is amazing and she says she will divorce him because she loves me and has zero feelings towards him.I understood things would be hard and it may take up to a year but recently she stated she wanted to do it sooner,maybe 4 or 5 months,because waiting a year is not fair to me. I know it will be harder on her because she has kids. I was fine for about a month but now,for no real reason,I'm having doubts she will actually go through with it.I spoke to a close male friend who offered no advice and spoke to a female friend who has looked out for me since i was a kid and she told me to walk away because you will get hurt,she will not leave him. What should i do?

[somanymistakes]

Hold her to a schedule. Make her take actual concrete steps by a deadline. If she flakes, then you'll know.

[Adiron]

You should immediately stop pursing this married woman who has a husband who sleeps under the same roof and probably in the same bed with her every night, regardless of what she tells you.

 

 

You say to her "this feels wrong, and I cannot go further with this affair, however if and when you legally separate I'd like to continue".

 

 

 

End of story

[BaileyB]

Tell her to call you when she has divorced her husband and she has settled her children into a new home and a custody arrangement.

 

Only then, is she ready to even think about another relationship. And even then, the welfare of her children should be her prime concern and it should be a LONG time before she thinks about introducing them to anyone - let alone remarrying or having another man move into her home.

 

Sorry friend, this is a long haul if you it right... if you want to meet a woman who is available to date and settle down, you should look for a single woman who does not have children.

[whichwayisup]

If she wanted to divorce, she would have already, regardless if you were in her life or not. This MW has no intention of divorcing her husband, she's bored at home, probably not communicating with him nor making any effort to reconnect with him...It's easier for her to flirt with you and say things that she may mean in the heat of the moment but knows deep down she will never follow through on it (leaving and being with you).

 

End it and tell her to call you with proof of a divorce (if that ever happens), and possibly when the timing is right and enough time has gone by you'd consider dating her in a proper way but until then ask her to not contact you anymore.

[isolatedgothic]

Saying you're going to leave your spouse is one thing. Actually doing it is another.

 

My guess is she has given the excuses that we have all heard: He never listens to me. He's always gone. We never have sex/the sex is cold/I think of you while he's doing me. I'm staying for the kids. I can't divorce till my sick mother/father/grandparent passes or it will kill them.On and on it goes.

 

As someone said above, if they want to leave, they will leave with no prompting from you.

 

Don't be the convenient guy who is used as a band-aid boyfriend to get her out of her marriage, and then once she's out, she decides she is not ready for a relationship [so she can date other, new, more exciting people who don't have the scent of the former marriage extrication all over them.]

 

What's going to happen when her husband figures out what's going on? What will the kids think of the guy who came between Mom and Dad? What will you do with the guilt of that? This is no way to begin a healthy relationship.

 

She may or may not leave. The absolute smartest thing you can do is to get yourself out of this and save your heart. Don't wait around for her to decide which side of the grass is greenest. Let her go figure out her life, and tell her not to contact you unless the marriage is settled and truly over.

[somanymistakes]

It's not true that unhappy people would always have left already. Many people do need a push, or the promise of a new relationship, before they're willing to jump.

 

But many people aren't willing to jump, period.

 

In my experience it's much less common for a MW who leaves the marriage to dump the AP because of the wider dating market, that's much more a MM thing.

[FMW]

I agree with somanymistakes. Women are more likely to connect emotionally to the AP and value that connection, so the odds are better that she might actually leave her M and go to the AP than it would be for a MM to leave and go to the AP.

 

But OP, you still shouldn't rely on that. Protect yourself, and like others have said, tell her to contact you when she's free. Keep your distance until then otherwise you'll be begging for a world of heartbreak and disappointment.

[John J]

First of all thank you to all that replied,good or bad your imput helps.I have been reading many post with advice to others and it has helped me a lot.The both of us didn't intend for this to happen but it did.I have never done anything like this(being with a MW)she has had an affair a few years ago.The M has been loveless for years,they don't even sleep in the same bed(that what she tells me). I just know it feels right being with her and i did tell her I'm a guy who wants a life,wants to settle down with a woman I can grow old with.This situation didn't start overnight,it took us years to get to this point.I did not intend for this to happen but it did and this forum is helping me feel like I'm not alone in this.I'm just so confused with feelings of love fear guilt....you name it i am feeling it.The hard part is when I'm alone all I think about is this situation and find it hard to focus on anything else(this started within the last couple weeks).

[anika99]

The fact that this is not her first affair is a very bad sign, a big red flag. It indicates that she is very comfortable with cheating, that lies and dishonesty are a part of her character. If they were not then her first affair would have been a big wake up call to her that she needs to fix her life. Either fix the marriage or leave it, but she did neither. Instead she seemed to think 'mmmm, cheating is fun, gimme more of that'.

 

Statistically speaking it is possible that she will leave her husband for you. Women are more apt to choose passion and romance over stable and secure. Perhaps she wanted to leave for one of her past affair partner(s) but he/they did not want her that way. She may or may not leave her husband but you need to realize exactly what you will be getting if she does choose you. She will have 3 kids and an angry ex husband who will all hate you and wreak havoc on your relationship with her, possibly for years and years. You will have a woman who will cheat on you and start looking for the next guy the moment she feels that you are not making her happy. IF she leaves then you win all the drama and dishonesty that she is going to bring with her. Doesn't sound worth it to me.

[BaileyB]

She has had an affair a few years ago..

 

This is a really bad sign. She is a serial cheater... I would definitely not consider a relationship with this woman.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

Kids from her M?

 

How long married?

 

Age range for you two?

 

You ever been married?

 

You mention this is your first time being involved with a MW. Ever been involved in a similar non-married situation? Like a lady who was living with someone else or had a non-live-in boyfriend?

 

How long have you been dating this MW? On average, how much time do you spend together per week?

 

IME, MW's with kids are tricky. Especially those with past MW experience. Those generally know how to handle men and juggle them to get what they want.

 

Also, as a general rule, anything which is not independently verifiable is suspect. People, not just MW's, can spin elaborate scenarios and narratives to fit their own world view and psychology. There may be elements of truth in there, sufficient to be believable. Yeah, I know we men are trained to believe in and serve women. Just be careful on that.

 

IMO, if you're not a pro with infidelity, I'd pass on this. MW's who know how to use men will eat you, digest you and poop you out without a care. It takes special skills to manage a MW to any long-term benefit. First time exit affairs are likely the best candidates for a healthy result and even that is tricky. It's easy to get used as a tampon, fluffer or sounding board and then dumped for a 'virgin', someone who has clean hands with regard to their past life, someone they can spin a new narrative with that doesn't include their past affairs.

 

Up to you. Myself, I see them as fun and interesting at best, nothing I'd expect to be around holding my hand when I die. Good for now.

[Daisy2013]

Welcome to LS....

 

Up to you. Myself, I see them as fun and interesting at best, nothing I'd expect to be around holding my hand when I die. Good for now.

 

Not all of us are like this. I'd have held his hand as he died. Never loved another like him nor had a lover who was my friend, as well. Adored him.

[carhill]

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that (from a MW). Got one doing that right now. No doubt she believes it when she says it. That second. The proof is actually being there. None of us can predict the future. With a lot of experience I take them, and accept them, for who they are. Some I sit back and admire their skills. Remarkable.

 

The OP, OTOH, appears to be looking for a long-term stable relationship and dumped his girlfriend (!) to make this work. Another MW tip... don't queer up a relationship just because of their narrative/promises. Watch those actions; the moving out, the divorce filings, the case summary progress, the transparency of their ending their relationship to the family and public. Trust, but verify.

[John J]

Welcome to LS....

 

Kids from her M?

 

How long married?

 

Age range for you two?

 

You ever been married?

 

You mention this is your first time being involved with a MW. Ever been involved in a similar non-married situation? Like a lady who was living with someone else or had a non-live-in boyfriend?

 

How long have you been dating this MW? On average, how much time do you spend together per week?

 

IME, MW's with kids are tricky. Especially those with past MW experience. Those generally know how to handle men and juggle them to get what they want.

 

Also, as a general rule, anything which is not independently verifiable is suspect. People, not just MW's, can spin elaborate scenarios and narratives to fit their own world view and psychology. There may be elements of truth in there, sufficient to be believable. Yeah, I know we men are trained to believe in and serve women. Just be careful on that.

 

IMO, if you're not a pro with infidelity, I'd pass on this. MW's who know how to use men will eat you, digest you and poop you out without a care. It takes special skills to manage a MW to any long-term benefit. First time exit affairs are likely the best candidates for a healthy result and even that is tricky. It's easy to get used as a tampon, fluffer or sounding board and then dumped for a 'virgin', someone who has clean hands with regard to their past life, someone they can spin a new narrative with that doesn't include their past affairs.

 

Up to you. Myself, I see them as fun and interesting at best, nothing I'd expect to be around holding my hand when I die. Good for now.

 

Hi carhill, Yes the kids are from her M of 15 yrs.The both of us are mid 40's. I have never been married, never knowingly dated a woman with a boyfriend.The friendship has been 4 years,give or take,flirty but nothing more. The intimate relationship started a few months ago but no sex til about a month later. I don't put much stock in her past fling because it happened a couple times and she ended it,wanting to fix her relationship. The next time she did anything was with me,8 yrs later. Sorry for my run on sentence but my "tab" button is acting up.

Edited June 30, 2018 by John J
forgot to add a response

[John J]

Thanks again to all that posted their advice. I have a new twist,development I truly don't know what to make of it.MW wants to come meet my family next Saturday. I was telling her I was going to see them and (kidding around)I said you wanna come.MW says "what took you so long,I would love to meet them" I guess that means she really is ready to move on??

[BaileyB]

Thanks again to all that posted their advice. I have a new twist,development I truly don't know what to make of it.MW wants to come meet my family next Saturday. I was telling her I was going to see them and (kidding around)I said you wanna come.MW says "what took you so long,I would love to meet them" I guess that means she really is ready to move on??

 

Has she filed for divorce? That, to me, is a sign that she is ready to move on...

[John J]

Hi Bailey No she has not.The time frame she has planned would be around mid September,she doesn't want start the process until the end of summer. The exact words she used "I will have myself covered and all my ducks in a row" I never gave her an ultimatum she said she had enough of being unhappy and end the toxicity surrounding her kids.

[carhill]

Usually people with kids buy homes and move and start divorces so things can get settled as far as locations prior to school starting up near summers end, at least where I live. That was my experience with MW's who had kids. If they were 'separating' and moving out, they'd have it set up for when the kids got out of school for summer, then move and get set up in their new domicile and school district as applicable.

 

The best time to file for divorce is immediately I say that jokingly but it really is true. Once one hems and haws and wants to get every duck in a row there's always another duck showing up who isn't in line. Always another reason, another excuse, another fly in the ointment. Always something. MW's can be masters of reframing the narrative. They're really believable. Really

[BaileyB]

Hi Bailey No she has not.The time frame she has planned would be around mid September,she doesn't want start the process until the end of summer. The exact words she used "I will have myself covered and all my ducks in a row" I never gave her an ultimatum she said she had enough of being unhappy and end the toxicity surrounding her kids.

 

Well then, I wouldn't be bringing her to my family function...

 

I think you are deceiving yourself here. She is deceiving you, and you are deceiving yourself. But, I do wish you well in whatever happens...

[John J]

Well then, I wouldn't be bringing her to my family function...

 

I think you are deceiving yourself here. She is deceiving you, and you are deceiving yourself. But, I do wish you well in whatever happens...

 

OK I get it the consensus is to wait for her to file? I should go NC or continue to speak with her?

[carhill]

IMO, treat it like you would any other relationship that wasn't working out to your liking. Face to face, calm, get it out there and wish her well. If her attraction was there and the sex wasn't merely recreational, it'll remain with her and she'll want to get back to a more complete interaction that's on mutually acceptable terms. The key is in what you've already done, the oxytocin bond. That's crucial. Then let nature take its course. Continue to date other women. Silence leaves her to process, parent and work her stuff out. Invite her to contact you when she's living solo and see how you feel then.

[John J]

IMO, treat it like you would any other relationship that wasn't working out to your liking. Face to face, calm, get it out there and wish her well. If her attraction was there and the sex wasn't merely recreational, it'll remain with her and she'll want to get back to a more complete interaction that's on mutually acceptable terms. The key is in what you've already done, the oxytocin bond. That's crucial. Then let nature take its course. Continue to date other women. Silence leaves her to process, parent and work her stuff out. Invite her to contact you when she's living solo and see how you feel then.

 

Oxytocin,had to look that up and I'm going with the "love drug" definition. I get what you are saying but I think of the timeline she gave. I mean it's been a month since she said give it til September,I think if she clearly states "I am filing papers" then i would be ok. I believe her but want proof,especially after reading stories on LS. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

[anika99]

Thanks again to all that posted their advice. I have a new twist,development I truly don't know what to make of it.MW wants to come meet my family next Saturday. I was telling her I was going to see them and (kidding around)I said you wanna come.MW says "what took you so long,I would love to meet them" I guess that means she really is ready to move on??

 

That doesn't mean anything. It's not like she's introducing you to her parents. What bother is it to her to meet your parents? I've met lots of parents of guys I've dated. Those relationships still don't amount to anything.

 

September is only 2 months away. If she is serious about leaving her husband she should already be figuring out the details. She should already be consulting with an attorney to find out what steps she needs to take. Does she think her husband will move out or does she plan to move out? If she moves out what happens to the kids? Does she take them with her or does she plan to leave them with their dad? If she plans to leave him in September there should already be a plan.

 

Also, as another poster stated, by waiting until September to do anything at all, well that opens the door to a whole new slew of excuses. Then it will be just wait until the kids are settled in school. Just wait until thanksgiving is over. Just wait until after Christmas, don't want to ruin their holidays. Before you know it another whole year of just waiting will go by.

 

Tell her that since her seperation from her husband is so near (supposedly) that you want to step back and give her the space and time she needs to deal with it all. Tell her that her kids will need her time and attention when she drops this bombshell on them and therefore it is best for you to step aside so she can handle her seperation and divorce. Let her know that she can call you once her and her husband are no longer cohabitating and divorce has been filed.

[John J]

That doesn't mean anything. It's not like she's introducing you to her parents. What bother is it to her to meet your parents? I've met lots of parents of guys I've dated. Those relationships still don't amount to anything.

 

September is only 2 months away. If she is serious about leaving her husband she should already be figuring out the details. She should already be consulting with an attorney to find out what steps she needs to take. Does she think her husband will move out or does she plan to move out? If she moves out what happens to the kids? Does she take them with her or does she plan to leave them with their dad? If she plans to leave him in September there should already be a plan.

 

Also, as another poster stated, by waiting until September to do anything at all, well that opens the door to a whole new slew of excuses. Then it will be just wait until the kids are settled in school. Just wait until thanksgiving is over. Just wait until after Christmas, don't want to ruin their holidays. Before you know it another whole year of just waiting will go by.

 

Tell her that since her seperation from her husband is so near (supposedly) that you want to step back and give her the space and time she needs to deal with it all. Tell her that her kids will need her time and attention when she drops this bombshell on them and therefore it is best for you to step aside so she can handle her seperation and divorce. Let her know that she can call you once her and her husband are no longer cohabitating and divorce has been filed.

 

Thank you anika,you make some great points and also great advice. The plan is she wants the kids with her and the house is family owned(her parents)with H owning a small percentage.I know I should take your advice,along with others but my heart won't let me. I guess I am just a who is too trusting. I was texting with her and she keeps saying she can't wait to be together and maybe(I'm the hesitant one,mid 40's me having a kid) have a child together. The thing I will ask her is if she found a divorce lawyer. I think I'm not out of line asking that.