Close friend seems to see me as more, not sure how to handle

[Herbalist]

I wasn't sure which forum would be best for this, but I picked this forum due to the description including, "Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you?" and that is basically the situation that has me feeling pretty stressed and unsure of what to do.

 

So the short version is that I am a straight woman who is very close friends with a bisexual woman who is about 30 years older than me, she has been getting increasingly aggressive in showing interest in me, and I don't know how to handle it, because I really do care about her a lot as my friend. We have been friends for almost 3 years now, and this issue started about a year ago.

 

And this is the long/detailed version:

 

So even though she is about 30 years older than me, she is one of those "60 years young" sorts, while a lot of people have considered me to be an "old soul" over the years. So I think this is a large part of why we click so great as friends, plus a shared sense of humor and some shared interests. Plus, I also think I kind of see her as a maternal sort of figure in some ways, because I never had a good relationship with my own mother. Within a year of getting to know each other, we had that sort of friendship where we talk to each other about anything and everything, including sharing lots of emotional support and advice, etc. We are really close, and for the past about 2.5 years we have hung out together at least once a week (we live in the same small town, as well).

 

The first half of our friendship, I had no idea that she was bisexual. It wouldn't have mattered to me, but I'm just mentioning that it came out of left field to me when she started frequently bringing up all of the sudden. I had known about her ex-husbands and we had had conversations about men/sex in which she had talked about her sexual preferences and experiences with men, but she never mentioned anything about women. Suddenly she was mentioning frequently that she was also attracted to women, had been with women before, etc. At the time I just figured no big deal, she basically just "came out" to me, and it was fine.

 

But then she started to get very flirty with me, and this has been escalating for several months now. This whole time, she has always played it off as a "joke" and so I have never known how to respond. So I don't, like I don't respond at all, I just completely ignore it. As this has become increasingly blatant, I have continued to just not respond, not knowing what else to do.

 

For example, she abruptly mentioned in a conversation the other week something about how she and I would be making out one day, and then such-and-such would happen, it was a humorous conversation topic. I looked away from her and didn't respond, and then she moved the topic to something else. Another time recently she made a "joke" about me "rebuffing" her "advances" and playfully pretended to be angry, and I just ignored it. Then she quickly added, "Just joking!" and changed the topic.

 

The reason I don't respond and just ignore it, is because again she makes everything out like she was "joking" which means that if I tried to have a gentle heart-to-heart that I don't see her that way, which I think she should already know, but I don't know, then it could be a case of.. she was just joking, she is just like that with friends, and I have made things awkward due to a misunderstanding. On the other hand, it is getting to the point where I feel like maybe I should say something, but again I really don't want to embarrass or hurt her feelings, I really do value our friendship and care for her a lot. She even has a younger daughter (elementary age) who thinks of me as her aunt, she and her daughter feel like family to me.

 

So I guess over the months I have just been hoping that I was making mountains of molehills, and that if there was a crush going on there, then it would pass if I just kept ignoring it.

 

Well except it feels like it is still getting even worse, and now I really don't know what to do.

 

Part of the "joking" has started to include a handful of times now, she asks if I am seeing anyone (dating), and she makes "jokes" about me cheating on her, except she really does want to know what I am doing on my phone, am I talking to anyone, etc. I can't tell anymore if this is still joking or if she really thinks we are a couple.

 

The sort of tipping point for me was about a week ago, when we were hanging out at her place with mutual friends, and everyone was getting intoxicated. I stayed sober because I am sort of like the nanny / designated driver role in the group, and plus there was kids there and so somebody needed to be sober and in charge.

 

So I was sober and she was pretty buzzed, and she started "joking" to other people that we were a couple, grabbing onto me and a few times touched me disrespectfully (multiple times grabbed my breasts, one time slapped my butt), but I knew she was buzzed and so were the others. When I went to leave the party, we hugged (which is normal for us) but she tried to kiss on my neck, and I just froze up not knowing what to do, and just went stiff and leaned back, and she quickly pulled away and made a "joke" that she didn't care if I don't like people kissing me. I just pretended that it didn't happen, we said goodbye and I left.

 

We haven't talked as much over the past few days. I feel terrible, though I don't think I did anything wrong. I know we need to talk again soon, because she needs me to babysit her daughter while she is working her new job for the summer, which I agreed to do to help her out (she has been having some financial struggles). I feel like this would be a horrible time to try to talk about the issue, if I should even talk about it at all.

[preraph]

Look, you have to tell her no. You've been way too passive on this. There's been times when she was "just joking" that you could have said, "Except that's never going to happen because I'm straight, remember?" But now you've tacitly agreed to her advances by not saying no.

 

You have to sit her down sober and tell her, Marge, you're a great friend, but I don't feel anything more for you and I'm straight, and I don't want you crossing that boundary anymore with me because it's putting me in an awkward position.

 

That "only joking" crap is her gaslighting you, trying to save her own dignity by making you look like the silly one and it should make you mad. Call her on that Each and Every Time. Tell her "Freud would have something to say about that. If it comes out of your mouth, it was in your brain first and you need to stop."

 

Truth is, just like in male/female friend relationships, when one wants more and the other doesn't, there is this song and dance and eventually you usually just have to block the person and stop being friends. She isn't really playing fair, but neither are you for letting her blather on this long without saying no. If she can't accept it and won't respect it OR if she tries to but you can never be comfortable again, you will have to break off with her as a friend. Good luck.