How do I tell my wife's sister to stop being a third wheel?

[Woggle]

For the past few weeks she has been hanging around us because she is tired of trying to fix her dying marriage. Last weekend she crashed at our place two nights in a row. I think she is trying to live vicariously through us because she herself has said she wishes I would spend a week with her husband and teach him how to be a man. I can't see spending five minutes with him without being driven insane but I get it. As much as I hate cheating she is probably the only women I wouldn't blame if she had an affair. That being said my wife and I need some couple time again and my wife agrees as well. We wish she would just end it already and find a new life instead of trying to hitch a ride along with ours. How can we approach this?

[Mr. Lucky]

How can we approach this?

 

Wouldn't it make sense for your wife to talk to her?

 

It sounds like a temporary thing as she works out the issues in her marriage. I'd be relatively patient as these things usually come to a head pretty quickly. Count this as your good deed for the month...

 

Mr. Lucky

[burnt]

As much as I hate cheating she is probably the only women I wouldn't blame if she had an affair.

 

There is a chance, you might end up saying the above statement also about many other women who end up cheating, who actually in reality neither intended to nor understood how they ended up engaging in affairs, -- that is,

if you were to know, truly know, the inside stories exactly as they were lived and experienced one intolerably tiny, but infinitely long second at a time in the lives of those women who engage in cheating.

 

 

With that said,

question for you:

if your sister-in-law didn't have the support system (her sister and you) or any other friend/family to talk to or lean on,

WHAT do you think she'd end up doing?

 

Care to guess?

Out of helplessness, out of desperation, without support, eventually she'll do something for which the damage will be far worse than how things are now.

 

My point is,

I understand it's an inconvenience and a nuisance for you, but try to be there for someone whose life is falling apart right now.

[Woggle]

There is a chance, you might end up saying the above statement also about many other women who end up cheating, who actually in reality neither intended to nor understood how they ended up engaging in affairs, -- that is,

if you were to know, truly know, the inside stories exactly as they were lived and experienced one intolerably tiny, but infinitely long second at a time in the lives of those women who engage in cheating.

 

 

With that said,

question for you:

if your sister-in-law didn't have the support system (her sister and you) or any other friend/family to talk to or lean on,

WHAT do you think she'd end up doing?

 

Care to guess?

Out of helplessness, out of desperation, without support, eventually she'll do something for which the damage will be far worse than how things are now.

 

My point is,

I understand it's an inconvenience and a nuisance for you, but try to be there for someone whose life is falling apart right now.

 

Maybe but her husband is such a tool that I would find it hard to have any sympathy for him. I was actually trying to tell him how to win back his wife's heart and it's like talking to a brick wall. He is such a self righteous, virtue signaling, pompous, know it all. Even my wife doesn't like him and she likes everybody. I still would never encourage her to cheat but instead just leave him.

[d0nnivain]

You alone can't say much.

 

Your wife simply needs to tell her sister that you love her & want to help but you need some couple time. Suggest sis sleep at mom & dad's one night but don't abandon her; she needs help now as she feels adrift.

 

Perhaps both of you can ask her to talk. Voicing what she wants --- to fix her marriage or end it -- may help her design a plan of action.

[Maraud3r]

It's not your job, it's your wives. It's her sister, not yours.

[burnt]

A few thoughts:

 

1) It makes perfect sense that he wouldn't listen to anything you are saying.

 

Imagine that you are having marital problems with your wife and your wife tells her sister and her sister's husband comes over to you and advises you on how to better your marriage and how to fix your private problems.

 

How insulted would you feel?

How receptive will you be to listening to him?

 

Even if you are a level headed rational person, it would be hard to swallow the insult of (a) your wife going around her entire family and telling them about your personal matters, (b) complaining about you and criticizing you to other people in her 'gang' of family who are on her side who only care about her side of the story and © telling you how to fix you, as if she is all innocent.

 

What I'm trying to say is that even if he were reasonable, it would be hard to listen to you. Now, if he is as irrational and conceited as you describe him to be, then of course nothing you say is sticking to him.

 

(2) So, on that note, does your SIL have the option somehow coercing or forcing him to seek couple's counsel? The difference there would be that he'd be hearing advice from a neutral party who is neither on his side nor on hers. Also, can she talk to someone on his side of the family to talk to him? That might be more effective than you talking to him--he might be more receptive to listening to someone who's not 'on her side'.

 

(3) Clearly both you and your wife have zero influence on him. So, perhaps all you can do are: (a) just be there for her and listen to her without trying to 'fix' her or her husband, so that she feels like she can talk to someone to; and (b) as gently as possible, suggest that she has two options: either she should seek couple's counseling to help fix the marriage or she should seek individual counseling to help cope with separating from the marriage.

[amaysngrace]

That would drive me crazy having to listen to her marital problems. You should tell her to either mend it or end it, or rather your wife probably should.

 

But sleeping at your place is just enabling her predicament. Do they have children?

 

I feel sorry for my friend that I use to vent to when my marriage was lousy. In some odd way it's as if I rubbed off on her and she started complaining about her husband too. Once I realized what I was doing I stopped but still. That's a lot of bad energy to be dumping on people.

 

I hope she finds happiness soon.

[Woggle]

Thankfully it hasn't turned into my wife always complaining about me. In fact she always tells my wife how lucky she is to have a man who acts like he is attracted to her. Both my wife and I think she actually has a little crush on me though I doubt she would ever try anything.

 

They have two children. Their daughter is in college and they have a 14 year old son so I understand why she wants to work it out but her husband just continues to be who is. Supposedly he wasn't always like this but in recent years he just become an insufferable social justice type who thinks he is degrading his wife if he actually desires her. He actually called me a misogynist once because I said my wife was hot, smart and a genuinely good person. I sometimes wonder if he is having an affair with some intersectional feminist or something.

[amaysngrace]

Would they go to marriage counseling to openly talk about what's bothering them?

 

Maybe they just both need to be heard by the other.

[Garlend]

Oh, man. In so many ways this whole debacle you described is very similar to my own chronic SIL problems.

 

1. The arrogant, self-centered, BIL. (Can't stand him. And I hope the feeling is mutual.)

 

2. The desperately frustrated, and defiant SIL who runs off to us or other people with her marital discord.

 

3. Yes, my SIL has indicated she is envious of our deeply committed love for each other... And she has hit on me while intoxicated, which I did not appreciate one little bit.

 

He is the main provider, so she claims she still loves him and keeps going back to him

 

My wife and I both try to avoid getting too involved with her recurring marital problems. And I suggest you and your wife limit your involvement as well.

[Lotsgoingon]

I can't tell how much you like or dislike the sister in law. If sister in law is an energy drain, that's one thing ... If she's just around a lot right now, that's another.

 

You know ... we all his some tough times when it's really helpful to have positive friends whose energy we can take in to get us through.

 

I'm thinking you can allow the sister in close for a few weeks ... and you and your wife should schedule some separate outings without the sister ... just to draw the boundary and to protect themselves.

[BettyDraper]

You alone can't say much.

 

Your wife simply needs to tell her sister that you love her & want to help but you need some couple time. Suggest sis sleep at mom & dad's one night but don't abandon her; she needs help now as she feels adrift.

 

Perhaps both of you can ask her to talk. Voicing what she wants --- to fix her marriage or end it -- may help her design a plan of action.

 

This approach is very balanced and caring.

[central]

Unless it's unsafe for her to be at home, she should return there, and begin organizing to move out and file for divorce. Does she have a job, or savings to draw upon? Supporting her is great, but there are limits - which are less stringent if it IS unsafe for her. If she's just frustrated, she's now had a break, and needs to go deal with things as an adult.

[Woggle]

She finally got him to agree to go to counseling and she admits she can't just hide out at our house forever so hopefully this will yield some positive results. They still want me to have a talk with him at the BBQ tomorrow. I said I am giving it five minutes and if he is still giving me an attitude or insulting me because he thinks I am sort of neanderthal then I am walking away and enjoying myself.

 

Maybe I should tell that I have a twelve year marriage that is pretty much still in the honeymoon stage and his own wife looks at what we have and envies it so maybe I have something worthwhile to say. Maybe part of respecting women which he shouts from the rooftops is caring about what his wife desires. Is this the right way to approach this?

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe I should tell that I have a twelve year marriage that is pretty much still in the honeymoon stage and his own wife looks at what we have and envies it so maybe I have something worthwhile to say. Maybe part of respecting women which he shouts from the rooftops is caring about what his wife desires. Is this the right way to approach this?

 

Don't think holding your relationship out as the standard will get you far with him. I'd look for a more general tone like "what I've seen work..." or "couples seem happiest when...".

 

From what you've said, don't like your chances....

 

Mr. Lucky

[Woggle]

It went better than I thought it would. I told him that he doesn't like me and I am not asking him to but your wife wants a man that actually desires her and no woman worth having in your life would be offended by her husband thinking she is hot. I said that her being a rightwinger and you being a lefty can work but you need to respect each other's differences. If he wants to be a male feminist he can start with respecting the woman who once loved him like crazy if what I hear is correct. She desperately wants that man back. He even apologized for the one time he called me a misogynist in a room full of women and they all ended up taking my side. He said he just wants to be a good ally and good men should call out sexism but he jumped the gun. I told him if he wants to see misogyny he can look at some of my old posts online but I have changed and he can changed as well. I hope I made some progress.

[Bufo]

Have any kids? If so....

 

Her: Can I spend this weekend with you? H is being a total jerk, blah blah blab.

 

Wife: H and I want to take a quick weekend trip and we’d love it if you would stay with our kids Thing One and Thing Two. They’d love it! Big smiley voice.

 

Her: Well, you know I’m not busy but I don’t know if I’m in the right frame of mind to take on that responsibility., dodge weave and bob like Ali in his best days

 

Wife: OK. H and I understand. In fact, he mentioned to me the other day that while he knows you’re my sister, he’s not sure he can take on any responsibility for your marriage and be a true help to you or to your husband. I’ll ask Mom to babysit.

 

I suspect the suit of shining armor SIL and to a certain extent W want you to wear just isn’t comfortable enough to wear.

 

The worst outcome? You and W get a weekend away.

Edited July 10, 2018 by Bufo
Typos are my curse

[Woggle]

We have no kids. We travel a lot and I know that isn't really compatible with parenthood. Both of us feel that way. They actually seem to be communicating. I think she told that if he doesn't make a real effort to change it is over. I think she made him apologize to me though which is okay.

[Bufo]

As usual, those pesky things called facts get in the way of my best ideas. ??i