How "over" someone do you have to be to move on?

[FMW]

I'm divorced and have been in an affair with a MM for three years, the first two of which he was separated from his wife, she moved back in with him a year ago. I love him and probably always will, but it's clear we aren't going too end up "together". I still love my xH too, even though he was unfaithful, I can just never have that kind of relationship with him again. So I'm not sure you have to stop loving previous partners in order to really move forward. There are different types of love and they can shift as time goes on. I'm not someone who "hates" people who have hurt me and I wouldn't want to be with a man who was. I truly want to move on and find a good relationship with someone who is available and with whom I'm compatible and share a connection and attraction. If I meet someone that I have a mutual spark with I definitely intend to explore it.

 

A lot of posts here on LS talk about how unfair it is to another person you might meet if you're not "over" your previous relationship yet. To what extent do you think you have to be "over" them? What does "over" mean to you? As long as I am up front about not looking for anything to get too serious too quick is it ok to be open to meeting and exploring other connections?

 

I'm 53, so I'm not looking for someone to marry and have children with. But eventually I want to share my life with just one person and I feel confident I am capable of faithfully focusing all my love on the right person, regardless of my past relationships. And any man I would get involved with would be of a similar age and also have a history of past loves. If I wait until I have no feelings left for anyone else, I don't think that time will ever come.

 

So what are your thoughts?

[carhill]

I looked at divorce as the death of a marriage. Went through the stages of grief and reached acceptance. Took a couple years. About four years after we D'd I got a phone call out of the blue with my exW sobbing that her best friend was near death (she did die). I was able to be supportive and express my own personal feelings (the lady was also a close friend of mine) and in no way felt anything for my exW. I was indifferent other than empathizing as I would with anyone over an impending loss. That was a good test. We had sporadic contact over the interceding years and my takeaway when remembering such is basically zero. Moments in time which don't move me.

 

To me, indifference is moving on. I remember who I was when I was married and the good times we had and that's part of life's memories. Nothing more.

[SevenCity]

I looked at divorce as the death of a marriage. Went through the stages of grief and reached acceptance. Took a couple years. About four years after we D'd I got a phone call out of the blue with my exW sobbing that her best friend was near death (she did die). I was able to be supportive and express my own personal feelings (the lady was also a close friend of mine) and in no way felt anything for my exW. I was indifferent other than empathizing as I would with anyone over an impending loss. That was a good test. We had sporadic contact over the interceding years and my takeaway when remembering such is basically zero. Moments in time which don't move me.

 

To me, indifference is moving on. I remember who I was when I was married and the good times we had and that's part of life's memories. Nothing more.

 

I fully agree that indifference means you are over them. But, take your example, if it takes 4 years to get there it seems silly to stay alone for all that time.

 

Ideally you would be indifferent before starting to date, but is that realistic? If that were the case people would have years upon years of healing and miss out on potential great matches.

 

So when is the right time? That’s up to you. I would say once you’re not comparing the new person to the old. Or if you are, the new one is 100 times better.

 

I dated WAAAY before I was over my ex (7 yr RL). Like a month after she left me. I refused to let her stop me from looking for someone. Fast forward 2 years and I’m still not indifferent, but in love with a woman who is 100 times better. She’s hotter, more secure, better sense of humor, a lot more mature, and a much better communicator. Moreover, her crazy matches mine.

 

So should I have waited another year, 2, 3? Perhaps. But I’m sure glad I didn’t.

 

I admit though, if I was indifferent I might be more open and trusting. She says there is a little part of me that is “behind a wall”. I’m thinking that may always be the case though no matter how long I wait....as a lot of guys who had their hearts crushed, you can never love so freely again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm divorced and have been in an affair with a MM for three years, the first two of which he was separated from his wife, she moved back in with him a year ago. I love him and probably always will, but it's clear we aren't going too end up "together". I still love my xH too, even though he was unfaithful, I can just never have that kind of relationship with him again.

 

Doesn't the fact you're majoring in attachments to unavailable men play into all of this?

 

I'm not saying the end of a relationship should mean someone is dead to you, but this seems like a fair amount of baggage to carry forward. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

You know, I think it's about when your focus shifts. If another person is a strong enough candidate, your focus can certainly shift off your ex, and that's what you want. You can't force it.

 

I went straight from one miserably confusing relationship that really just about drove me crazy and wasn't working out, you know, really I was obsessed and really working hard to discipline myself to face reality about it and making myself put one foot in front of the other because it was hopeless, but I was very emotionally involved about it. Anyway, the this other guy came into my periphery. First it was just I noticed how I liked his upper arms. He was in the same business/passion as me, so automatically there was some commonality. Then I saw him running a booth at a guitar show and talked to him and we found out we shared the same favorite band, which for two music lovers was a huge bond. Then I found out he was married. But then I saw him a couple months later at a music event and he told me right away he was separated. Then we went out, and bang, I guess I more or less just transferred all those feelings right away from the other guy and onto him just like that. I even wondered how healthy that was, but I have come to understand that that love and passion you feel belongs to you, not the other person, and when you leave, you get to take that with you and give it to the next person.

[carhill]

I don't view people as better or worse, rather as individuals. Moving on for me was ending my interest in women as a life partner. Too much trouble. I had 35 years of it. That was plenty. Like my mom used to say after dad died, now it's my time.

[FMW]

Thanks for the replies!

 

Just to clear any confusion, the only person I'm trying to "get over" is the recent involvement. I'm certainly "over" my xH (and I'm the one who chose to end the marriage), I just noted that I still loved him to point out that I am capable of loving someone without wanting them to be in my life. Meaning I don't have to stop loving the recent involvement either in order to move on, I just have to get past being "in love".

 

And as far as "baggage" goes, I'm 53. Pretty sure that comes with the territory!

 

I was mainly worried someone would think it was wrong of me to be open to meeting someone new when I still had romantic feelings for one particular someone else. A few posts hit on that and I thank you, it seems those opinions were that it's ok and that I don't have to stay in hibernation.

[BluesPower]

I'm divorced and have been in an affair with a MM for three years, the first two of which he was separated from his wife, she moved back in with him a year ago. I love him and probably always will, but it's clear we aren't going too end up "together". I still love my xH too, even though he was unfaithful, I can just never have that kind of relationship with him again. So I'm not sure you have to stop loving previous partners in order to really move forward. There are different types of love and they can shift as time goes on. I'm not someone who "hates" people who have hurt me and I wouldn't want to be with a man who was. I truly want to move on and find a good relationship with someone who is available and with whom I'm compatible and share a connection and attraction. If I meet someone that I have a mutual spark with I definitely intend to explore it.

 

A lot of posts here on LS talk about how unfair it is to another person you might meet if you're not "over" your previous relationship yet. To what extent do you think you have to be "over" them? What does "over" mean to you? As long as I am up front about not looking for anything to get too serious too quick is it ok to be open to meeting and exploring other connections?

 

I'm 53, so I'm not looking for someone to marry and have children with. But eventually I want to share my life with just one person and I feel confident I am capable of faithfully focusing all my love on the right person, regardless of my past relationships. And any man I would get involved with would be of a similar age and also have a history of past loves. If I wait until I have no feelings left for anyone else, I don't think that time will ever come.

 

So what are your thoughts?

 

I looked at divorce as the death of a marriage. Went through the stages of grief and reached acceptance. Took a couple years. About four years after we D'd I got a phone call out of the blue with my exW sobbing that her best friend was near death (she did die). I was able to be supportive and express my own personal feelings (the lady was also a close friend of mine) and in no way felt anything for my exW. I was indifferent other than empathizing as I would with anyone over an impending loss. That was a good test. We had sporadic contact over the interceding years and my takeaway when remembering such is basically zero. Moments in time which don't move me.

 

To me, indifference is moving on. I remember who I was when I was married and the good times we had and that's part of life's memories. Nothing more.

 

This is a really hard thing to figure out. I kind of wish I could get to where @carhill got to.

 

I could never have gone that long, and I don't know if he was "Alone" during that time. I freely admit that I don't like being alone.

 

And I wish I could get to a place of indifference with my Ex W, but for me it is kind of a fading deep hatred with no trace of love at all.

 

We still have kids, that are grown but young adults, so I often have to talk to her on the phone, and even see her sometimes.

 

But in the last year or so, I did have to break up with a girl that I really cared for which hurt, it was just not working. I still love her in a way but there is nothing there as far as romantic feelings.

 

After that break up all of my friends that are girls told me that I had be on time out. I was not crazy about that, but I took their advice and went with out any women or dating at all for 6 weeks.

 

I realize that is not long, but I was fine with it an actually enjoyed being by myself and just relaxing. It was kind of OK.

 

But then I met my current GF, completely out of the blue in a kind of strange way, and I blown away. I am your age and this it the best relationship that I have ever had.

 

I guess the point is that it happens when it happens, and it seems to happen when you least expect it.

 

I also thing that we all have to "get over" our own baggage or at the least understand how that baggage affects us in out lives.

 

I wish I had a better answer, but part of me thinks the answer is: Who knows...

[Chilli]

Only 6 wks BP , holy hell that wasn't long how long were you married if you don't mind me asking , and how long after did you meet your gf ?

[BluesPower]

Only 6 wks BP , holy hell that wasn't long how long were you married if you don't mind me asking , and how long after did you meet your gf ?

 

The marriage was over a long time ago, but the final was a couple of years ago. We were married 26 years ago. I just wish I did not ever have to talk to that one at all, and have not been able to get there.

 

The break up I was talking about was a GF after all of that, one of many. I did have lots of feelings for her, but she had issues so it was not going to work. Now her, I have no hard feelings for, it just did not work.

 

That break up led to the girls telling me to take a break. And hey, 6 week is kind of a long time for me. But even that short amount of time was good for me.

 

Then I met current GF. This is the one for me if you believe that stuff.

 

She is beautiful, not crazy, sexy, loving and just a lot more great adjectives. She is basically the best woman I have ever known.

 

Frankly, I never thought this would happen for me, but it did.

 

Who knew...

[FMW]

That's awesome BluesPower! Very encouraging. That's what I hope to find eventually.

[ElKay]

The way I see it is that you can date around to help you move on. The day after we broke up officially, I was back on the dating app where I found him. To be honest, just seeing all of these cute guys interested in meeting with me was helpful to my self-esteem, which had been completely destroyed by my ex and the way he had treated me.

 

As long as you don't jump into anything serious before you're ready to do so, I don't see anything wrong with it. Heck, I only had my first serious relationship at 23 years old, so I had enough time to be single and know myself fully. I don't see why an ex jerk means that I have to lose my chances meeting someone that will treat me hundreds of times better.

 

Good luck! <3

[Logo]

I fully agree that indifference means you are over them. But, take your example, if it takes 4 years to get there it seems silly to stay alone for all that time.

 

Ideally you would be indifferent before starting to date, but is that realistic? If that were the case people would have years upon years of healing and miss out on potential great matches.

 

 

Personally, I feel that it depends on the individual's commutative experiences in life. I feel indifferent toward my ex. Sure, there are the good memories, but they're suspended in a vacuum. Outside that vacuum, all the bad, negative and betrayed feelings reside. Sometimes when I'm in a very good mood, I might chuckle to myself about an inside joke we had.

 

But, getting back to the main point, sometimes a person just needs a break, a break from all the redundancy and repetitive nature of dating.

 

I would say that there's a second stage after Indifference, Fatigue. If someone is going on dates and not having fun; if he or she is doing it simply to avoid being lonely or alone; if dates feel like a chore, then there is nothing wrong with a break.

 

Sometimes it's healthier to take a step back, look at the past and regroup.

 

Some people jump from one relationship to the next. I don't know how they do it.

 

And yet, some relationships leave you feeling like a raisin, dry, with all your emotions sucked out of you by your ex's manipulative head games and instability.

 

Then, at that point in time, it's best to be alone. Take a breather.

[Logo]

The way I see it is that you can date around to help you move on. The day after we broke up officially, I was back on the dating app where I found him. To be honest, just seeing all of these cute guys interested in meeting with me was helpful to my self-esteem, which had been completely destroyed by my ex and the way he had treated me.

 

Isn't that unfair to others? From what you described, it sounds like you used people who were looking for relationships by using the ol' bait and switch.

 

Imagine being on the receiving end of someone who's using you to boost his or her self esteem and has no intention of moving the relationship forward.

 

The best analogy I can think of is how energy is never lost or destroyed only transferred.

 

In your case, you got the boost you needed, but you left someone online feeling unwanted wondering if he's doing something wrong.

 

From personal experience I can tell you that getting online after my breakup with my ex robbed me of whatever self-esteem I had left.

 

I really think the world would be a better place if people in the dating world had better etiquette. There are dozens of ways to regain self-esteem without hurting others in the process.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I generally move on as quick as can be,

Especially if my ex is boning someone other than me,

I don't have time to waste to whine over some girl,

When she's out dating new guys and taking them for a whirl.

[guest569]

Shoot, I am gonna move on from whatever relationship I am in the very next day, or later that evening if possible. To me, there are few things more pathetic than some poor dude sitting around mourning the loss of his GF, who is right now getting screwed by some other guy.

 

Really?? How? I’m one to mope for months or years..

[basil67]

I was mainly worried someone would think it was wrong of me to be open to meeting someone new when I still had romantic feelings for one particular someone else. A few posts hit on that and I thank you, it seems those opinions were that it's ok and that I don't have to stay in hibernation.

 

I would feel terribly used I found out the person I was dating had romantic feelings for someone else. That said, I have only ever dated with a view to forming a relationship - I wouldn't date someone who just wanted to date casually anyway.

[BaileyB]

Call me crazy, but I would have lost my feelings for this man the moment that he moved back in with his wife! It's been a year... It's time to move on.

 

I think, you may surprise yourself and find that you don't miss him as much as you think do, when you go out into the world and starting meeting some new and interesting people. Good luck.

[FMW]

I'm with you, basil67, I have no interest in just dating to be dating. I have no interest in online dating for that reason.

 

I do meet people through my interests, hobbies and work and at some point hope to make a real connection again, and I don't want to "use" anyone to get over someone else. Right now it's not an issue since I don't meet men I have more than a mild interest in and just have friendships, I don't date. But at some point I want more, I want a real connection.

 

I guess when the time is right it will happen. When I least expect it

[FMW]

Hi Bailey. The entire purpose of this post is that I AM trying to move on, so I'm focusing on what's in the future, not looking for advice on how to get over someone else but asking how "over" others think I should be. I gave the basic facts to explain where I'm coming from for those who haven't read my other thread where that issue has been beaten to death Logic and reason don't come into play in how long it takes to heal. I'm working on it! So again, the focus of THIS thread is about where I should be in order to be open to another relationship.

[carhill]

I think you hit upon a salient point. Being 'over' someone is the termination of and acceptance of the death of an emotional attachment. It's not a math problem with a consistent solution.

 

One morning I woke up and it was gone. After, with the freedom to reflect in an unfettered (by emotion) manner, I had to place the responsibility squarely on the work in and tools learned from MC, particularly the tools to visualize and accept emotional losses and endings. I came to view it much as an alcoholic in recovery views drinking. I have no idea what the future might bring but today I won't take a drink. In my case, the 'drink' was an emotional attachment to a person.

 

I think the work in MC was underscored by some of the dating I did while separated after we filed for divorce where I was markedly surprised by the content from ladies who'd been divorced for years and were still ragging on their exes. They hadn't found their way to peace and acceptance. Needless to say those experiences didn't progress. IMO, they hadn't yet 'moved on' in a way I deemed healthy.

[preraph]

I'm too stubborn for that crap. Why do you want to waste your life sitting around moping forever over some failed relationship? Go live your life. Instead of moping, go to the gym and workout. Maybe pick up a project you can do around your house. I re-painted my living room when I got separated years ago. Focus your energy on doing something positive. It also helps if you have an admirer or two you can hang out with post-breakup.

 

I used to have "Paint It Black" weekends. Turn your hurt into something creative. I used to write poetry and I felt like that was one way of making something good out of something that hurt me. Everyone goes about it different. I used to just not move on but this one guy drove me crazy and had me thinking it was me (it was him) and I had to summon every discipline I had in me to move forward, make myself go out and have fun , etc. I mean, you don't want to bury and not process something, but for sure I was a big overprocessor! Once you can't get any further with rationalizing it and learning from it, make yourself move.

[BaileyB]

I used to have "Paint It Black" weekends. Turn your hurt into something creative. I used to write poetry and I felt like that was one way of making something good out of something that hurt me. Everyone goes about it different. I used to just not move on but this one guy drove me crazy and had me thinking it was me (it was him) and I had to summon every discipline I had in me to move forward, make myself go out and have fun , etc. I mean, you don't want to bury and not process something, but for sure I was a big overprocessor! Once you can't get any further with rationalizing it and learning from it, make yourself move.

 

I used to like to over process and wallow in my pain too, but the older I get the more that I realize that at a certain point, it accomplishes nothing. I just get kind of stuck in my misery which feels somewhat comforting, but it's really just wasted time and energy. At a certain point, you realize that it's really just a simple decision - to stop focusing on the past and look toward the future. I don't wallow nearly as much now... Life is too short to waste your time stuck on things that you don't control and bring you pain...

 

But, that is just my humble opinion. I'm glad to hear you are slowly taking the steps to move forward. Everyone, in their own time and in their own way. I wish you well.

[bradt93]

I'm divorced and have been in an affair with a MM for three years, the first two of which he was separated from his wife, she moved back in with him a year ago. I love him and probably always will, but it's clear we aren't going too end up "together". I still love my xH too, even though he was unfaithful, I can just never have that kind of relationship with him again. So I'm not sure you have to stop loving previous partners in order to really move forward. There are different types of love and they can shift as time goes on. I'm not someone who "hates" people who have hurt me and I wouldn't want to be with a man who was. I truly want to move on and find a good relationship with someone who is available and with whom I'm compatible and share a connection and attraction. If I meet someone that I have a mutual spark with I definitely intend to explore it.

 

A lot of posts here on LS talk about how unfair it is to another person you might meet if you're not "over" your previous relationship yet. To what extent do you think you have to be "over" them? What does "over" mean to you? As long as I am up front about not looking for anything to get too serious too quick is it ok to be open to meeting and exploring other connections?

 

I'm 53, so I'm not looking for someone to marry and have children with. But eventually I want to share my life with just one person and I feel confident I am capable of faithfully focusing all my love on the right person, regardless of my past relationships. And any man I would get involved with would be of a similar age and also have a history of past loves. If I wait until I have no feelings left for anyone else, I don't think that time will ever come.

 

So what are your thoughts?

Having an affair with a married man, that could be your problem right there. Do you want to be the cause of a marriage breaking up? Both of you know better than to do that to that woman. Yes, he is separated, but it's still not right from a moral standpoint.

[Chris2016]

I'd say at least for my crushes and unrequited love when you start to realize why the F was that person hot, thinking they look like a certain celebrity, but once the goggles no longer fit, you want to vomit.