husband duped / not paying attention

[S2B]

Sadly, although your husband did screw up, you treated him disrespectfully and this is why he lashed out. Maybe read a book called “love and respect “.

 

I’m well too familiar with the double standards society imposed on women. However, it’s not a question of why he can’t help? He can , he just doesn’t do things your way . If something is really important to you, better do it yourself. Let go in enough other areas so your husband can step up and help there. But be sure you are ok with whatever way he’s doing things .

 

No, he disrespected her!

 

Why does anyone need to bow down to the lower level of expectations?

 

That's not right...talk about creating resentments.

 

He knew he wasn't getting what she asked for and then he threw a fit when she pointed it out. He's acting like a child.

 

She gave him clear and precise instructions - and he disregarded the instructions and disrespected her requests.

 

It's not right. She did her best to guide him and he acted like a jerk.

 

And now she can't depend on him for help in this area - that is NIT being a good partner.

 

And those saying his behavior should be ok - it's not ok. Why should she accept unacceptable effort and PRETEND it's acceptable? It's not!

 

 

He should grow up! He can learn! If he goes by most of the standards listed out by most posters in this thread - that men can't do simple tasks - that's wrong... men do what they are taught to do - and if SHE never went to the market HE would HAVE to learn how to do it.

 

He jeopardized the task. He failed. He should make it right. That's how you fix what you did wrong.

 

Throwing a tantrum and misplacing the anger does not make it right.

[JuneL]

Just curious: Is this how you and your husband treat each other? The thing is, if it’s up to her husband, he would just have grabbed something to make a simple and quick sandwich. And how are you going to punish him by only allowing him to eat 3 tasteless meals this week, when he’s an adult who is fully capable of going out and buy food that he’s familiar with or eat at a restaurant?

 

My gut still says he did it on purpose by acting like a child.

 

Since he's incapable of simple tasks - take him and hold his hand through it like he is a child.

 

Seriously a grown man who can't grocery shop? He is spoiled and acting like a brat.

 

My kids did better when they were 10 years old.

 

 

Quit spoiling him. I stand by my suggestion of VERY simple meals (3 this week) since he didn't buy enough for the six meals you planned.

 

Or... let him return to the market and spend next to nothing to plan AND cook three meals himself. Does he cook often?

[Whodatdog]

Is this the hill you want to die on? Its like pushing a rope, you will get no where with this. He's not good at grocery shopping; so dont ask him to do it, you do it, exactly how you want. Everyone isnt good at everything, delegating will make your life much happier.

[Els]

Just curious: Is this how you and your husband treat each other? The thing is, if it’s up to her husband, he would just have grabbed something to make a simple and quick sandwich. And how are you going to punish him by only allowing him to eat 3 tasteless meals this week, when he’s an adult who is fully capable of going out and buy food that he’s familiar with or eat at a restaurant?

 

Yeah, exactly. Plus the man works and earns money, it's not like he's dependent on her for "allowance" to buy food.

 

If a partner ever tried S2B's method on me, the MILDEST response they would get would be me telling them to have fun dining alone for the next 3 days. If our relationship survived it, anyway.

 

He should grow up! He can learn! If he goes by most of the standards listed out by most posters in this thread - that men can't do simple tasks - that's wrong... men do what they are taught to do - and if SHE never went to the market HE would HAVE to learn how to do it.

 

He jeopardized the task. He failed. He should make it right. That's how you fix what you did wrong.

 

Throwing a tantrum and misplacing the anger does not make it right.

 

 

Oh my god, have you READ the thread??? He APOLOGIZED. And he said he would GO WITH HER NEXT TIME TO LEARN. How many times do we need to mention this to you???

[bathtub-row]

I say if he wants to spend more money than necessary, then more power to him. Personally, I would’ve kept quiet about what he did because it wasn’t that big of a deal. I would’ve just thanked him for going. End of story.

 

The male ego isn’t to be toyed with too often, nor underestimated. You need to learn to pick your battles and should’ve anticipated this reaction from him. Honestly, he was probably hoping to impress you by going and getting good things. You kinda burst his bubble. The flip side is, if he were deliberately doing a bad job so that you wouldn’t ask him again, then you played right into it.

 

You know, every time I’ve ever sent a guy to the grocery store for something, it almost always takes 3 times longer than it would take me. I have no idea what that’s about but I’ve learned to laugh about it because it’s kind of funny and cute. Men don’t like to shop and I think when they do, they tend to over-analyze.

[JuneL]

To add, I’m not sure how this “following her to the grocery store so that he can teach him” is going to work. Next time, just send him a snapshot of the coupon and he can ask the people working there: “Where can I find this chicken/steak that is currently on sale?”

[clia]

To add, I’m not sure how this “following her to the grocery store so that he can teach him” is going to work. Next time, just send him a snapshot of the coupon and he can ask the people working there: “Where can I find this chicken/steak that is currently on sale?”

 

I think this is exactly what she did, though! She sent him with the coupons and circular so he'd know exactly what to get and he still bought the wrong thing.

 

I really don't know what she could've done different other than go with him and pick it out for him. IMO, there's really no excuse for an adult to not be able to figure this out with the directions she gave him and the discussions they'd had about price. I certainly wouldn't be falling all over myself thanking him for his "help." I'd be thinking WTF is wrong with you?

[JuneL]

I think this is exactly what she did, though! She sent him with the coupons and circular so he'd know exactly what to get and he still bought the wrong thing.

 

I really don't know what she could've done different other than go with him and pick it out for him. IMO, there's really no excuse for an adult to not be able to figure this out with the directions she gave him and the discussions they'd had about price. I certainly wouldn't be falling all over myself thanking him for his "help." I'd be thinking WTF is wrong with you?

 

I meant he can just ask the grocery guys next time. For someone like him, it’s much more time-consuming to look for the stuff himself, even with the help of pictures and prices.

[d0nnivain]

I meant he can just ask the grocery guys next time. For someone like him, it’s much more time-consuming to look for the stuff himself, even with the help of pictures and prices.

 

Real men don't ask for directions. His failure to ask boggled my mind too. I mean he's heard me joke about how I shop at the hardware store: bring a picture or the thing & hold it out to the store employee saying "where can I get another one?"

[Happy Lemming]

For me, I had to learn at a very young age how to grocery shop on a razor thin margin.

 

I was out on my own at 18, and had to make rent, utilities, car insurance, gasoline, and food all on a crappy little salary. There was nothing extra left over at the end of the month. Food was kind of a luxury. I couldn't afford any meat and used to purchase these meat flavored textured vegetable protein patties, they were a box of 100 for $10. If you closed your eyes and ate them quickly, it almost tasted like some kind of meat.

 

I've carried that mentality with me and am still careful about how I grocery shop. I'm guessing OP's husband was never that close to the edge and didn't learn this process.

[d0nnivain]

I'm guessing OP's husband was never that close to the edge and didn't learn this process.

 

Ironically, he's the one who grew up with close margins. I was spoiled rotten & never wanted for anything but I grew up with depression era parents who were cheap. My parents lived in the Bronx & talked about walking across the Throgs Neck Bridge to get the bus on the other side because it was $0.10 on their side & only $0.05 on the other side.

 

DH & I are OK; it's just lean right now & probably will be for a few more months.

 

His entire family IMO is broke yet they spend money like water; it makes me crazy. If you saw some of my other threads about my MIL that may give you insight. The woman actually got mad at me the other day because I wouldn't authorize the electricians to come back & do cosmetic work around the house on a piecemeal basis every time a new fixture arrived. Each time they walk in the door we have to pay a service call fee of $125 so I told her they would come back once when everything had been delivered. She complained. I told her they could come as often as she wanted but she had to pay the $125 each time. Now she's happy to wait until next week because the last light & fan combo will arrive on Thursday.

 

Again my thread wasn't so much about the chicken or the cost but the intensity of DH's reaction when I asked about the chicken he bought. If he has said, he bought the organic precut chicken because he wanted to eat " better" or save me the labor of having to filet the breasts myself I would have said thank you & left it. But when he said he didn't know the difference that is when I inquired further & got an over the top reaction.

[Happy Lemming]

DH & I are OK; it's just lean right now & probably will be for a few more months.

 

Here's hoping you get through those lean months. I know your pain!!

 

Blue skies...

[camillalev]

To add, I’m not sure how this “following her to the grocery store so that he can teach him” is going to work. Next time, just send him a snapshot of the coupon and he can ask the people working there: “Where can I find this chicken/steak that is currently on sale?”

 

Yes to this. I ask for help at the grocery store all the time.

 

How do men take care of themselves before marriage?

[Els]

Yes to this. I ask for help at the grocery store all the time.

 

How do men take care of themselves before marriage?

 

 

You don't HAVE to know how to cook (or conversely shop for ingredients to cook with) to survive. Most of the people I know, of both genders, did just fine without touching a saucepan in college - we just ate a lot of instant meals, sandwiches, ate out at cheap stalls, etc . Obviously, not so desirable in a 40(?) year old, and high time for that to change, but it's not exactly unbelievable.

[Art_Critic]

How do men take care of themselves before marriage?

 

In my 20's and some of my 30's... Domino's

[Art_Critic]

In my 30's my then 6-7 year old nephew when to school and nominated uncle Art_Critic to be a needy family for the food drive....

 

My fridge was empty and the panty cabinet was empty .. he thought it was because I was poor

[S2B]

Actually my husband always went to the grocery store. He went every day.

 

As an adult - I had to learn all over again... as there were many more choices by the time I got back into the habit of going.

[camillalev]

You don't HAVE to know how to cook (or conversely shop for ingredients to cook with) to survive. Most of the people I know, of both genders, did just fine without touching a saucepan in college - we just ate a lot of instant meals, sandwiches, ate out at cheap stalls, etc . Obviously, not so desirable in a 40(?) year old, and high time for that to change, but it's not exactly unbelievable.

 

Because 18 year old college students might not cook that means a 40 year old man doesnt need to? Why are we comparing behaviors of two vastly different age groups/life stages to conclude that it's not exactly unbelievable that a 40 year old man doesnt have a basic life skill Why do we always do this with men "well my teenager who has never lived on their own doesnt know how to _____ so it's so that crazy that my 45 year old husband and father of two kids doesnt know how to either!"

 

Apparently these 18 year olds are still better at grocery shopping than this fully grown middle aged man is.. they know how to bargain shop!

 

If my husband was like this I would seriously reconsider having kids with him.. imagine.

Edited July 4, 2018 by camillalev

[Els]

Because 18 year old college students might not cook that means a 40 year old man doesnt need to? Why are we comparing behaviors of two vastly different age groups/life stages to conclude that it's not exactly unbelievable that a 40 year old man doesnt have a basic life skill Why do we always do this with men "well my 11 year old doesnt know how to _____ so it's so that crazy that my 45 year old husband and father of two kids doesnt know how to either!"

 

Apparently these 18 year olds are still better at grocery shopping than this fully grown middle aged man is.. they know how to bargain shop!

 

If my husband was like this I would seriously reconsider having kids with him.. imagine.

 

Why is it intrinsically unbelievable that a 40 yo wouldn't be good at grocery shopping/ cooking, but not unbelievable for a 21 yo? All of the food options that were available to the 21 yo are available to the 40 yo as well. Probably more, since if the 40 yo has a good job, they can easily pay others to do the cooking for them on a regular basis. Some people just prioritize cooking more than others.

 

I think some of you are really piling on the OP's husband unnecessarily. Yes he has flaws, he's bad at shopping, he made a stupid mistake. The mistake cost them all of $10. He apologized for said mistake and wants to make it right. You're acting like he just committed a crime, for chrissakes.

 

If everyone reacted this strongly to a stupid mistake by a spouse, nobody in the world would still be married.

[No_Go]

How on earth cooking is a basic life skill ?? It’s a hobby no more no less, since one can buy anything cooked/ near cooked.

 

Imposing your hobby on your partner is just... controlling at best. You know, fast food is much cheaper than any home cooked crap nowadays, it’s not like one depends on their cooking spouse.

 

Because 18 year old college students might not cook that means a 40 year old man doesnt need to? Why are we comparing behaviors of two vastly different age groups/life stages to conclude that it's not exactly unbelievable that a 40 year old man doesnt have a basic life skill Why do we always do this with men "well my teenager who has never lived on their own doesnt know how to _____ so it's so that crazy that my 45 year old husband and father of two kids doesnt know how to either!"

 

Apparently these 18 year olds are still better at grocery shopping than this fully grown middle aged man is.. they know how to bargain shop!

 

If my husband was like this I would seriously reconsider having kids with him.. imagine.

[No_Go]

In my 30's my then 6-7 year old nephew when to school and nominated uncle Art_Critic to be a needy family for the food drive....

 

My fridge was empty and the panty cabinet was empty .. he thought it was because I was poor

 

LOL my fridge is full ... primarily with Diet Coke. If there is food in there, means I have guest/s that night Cooking is reserved to impress people, for me a pint of ice cream for dinner is heaven. Sure my niece would think poor auntie is starving

[No_Go]

You don't HAVE to know how to cook (or conversely shop for ingredients to cook with) to survive. Most of the people I know, of both genders, did just fine without touching a saucepan in college - we just ate a lot of instant meals, sandwiches, ate out at cheap stalls, etc . Obviously, not so desirable in a 40(?) year old, and high time for that to change, but it's not exactly unbelievable.

 

And why exactly is not desirable at 40? If he probably can afford eating out/take outs. Summing utilities+grocery bills+tools, price wise it’s about the same if not cheaper.

[Els]

And why exactly is not desirable at 40? If he probably can afford eating out/take outs. Summing utilities+grocery bills+tools, price wise it’s about the same if not cheaper.

 

 

I think at 40 it is probably "desirable" to know how to cook/grocery shop, because (1) your metabolism has slowed down a lot by 40, and eating healthy is much more important then - you can still get healthy meals via takeaway, but the options are more limited, and (2) some people find it desirable to sit down to a home-cooked family meal at night. But it's certainly not NEEDED for survival the way camillalev is trying to make it out to be.

 

 

 

I swear, some people are reaaaaalllllyyy good at turning molehills into mountains, lol.

[Haydn]

Just seen this thread, Don.

 

I often come back with all the wrong things.

 

But i like bargains and tend to come back with things that are on sale but serve no useful purpose in our lives.

 

Glow in the dark hairnets. (Me and the kids had fun)

 

48 rolls of toilet paper to compliment the other 48 rolls in the utility room.

 

An assortment of Teas with exotic names which all taste like dishwater but promise to make you live forever.

 

He`ll get over it.

 

As for budgets etc, another thread....

[JuneL]

I think that your hubby probably found grocery shopping those exact items an annoying task, so he was upset when you told him he didn’t do it right (after having endeared such annoyance).

 

As for cooking, I dunno. I’ve heard people who claimed that they know how to cook, but let’s just say I wouldn’t want to eat those meals