husband duped / not paying attention

[d0nnivain]

At the end of the day every cut he bought was "superior" to the cheaper cuts I would have chosen. All I did was ask him why?

 

We'd had "grocery conversations" before when we were dating. I asked for chip & dip but got some canned grossed thing that could survive a nuclear holocaust & had to show him the dip that is in the refrigerated section. I asked for green & yellow squash & was given an acorn squash & a spaghetti squash. Yes, the colors were right but the vegetables were not. I sent him with the pictures because he ASKED for them.

 

 

When I questioned the purchases it was the first time in his life he claimed to learn that all meat is not created equal. He spent most of his adult life in the military where meals equaled mess hall. After that he ate boxed pasta & jar sauce, cold cuts & oatmeal every meal.

 

 

I posted more about the anger that was directed at me because he felt duped by the supermarket, but I did have some concerns about his failure to consult the guides I supplied.

[No_Go]

The anger is actually pretty scary. I know he wasn't violent but still that whole issue is pretty minor and didn't deserve a blowout... So I can't understand why it escalated that much. Do you deal with other issues recently? I remember having 'grocery arguments' with my live-in ex just because overall the things were getting off...

 

Otherwise - I don't think he chose superior cuts on purpose. From what you described it's just not part of his lifestyle to care about food. I'm like this - if I'm home alone I'd just eat ice cream or cereal for dinner the whole time... It's not like all people are foodies and know / need to know their way around the grocery store.

 

Pictures is a bit excessive IMO. I understand he asked for it, but that's because he was probably scared to mess up the very specific requirements...

[lana-banana]

So, with that context it makes a lot more sense (although pasta, deli meat and oatmeal seems unusually repetitive and limited for a long-term lifestyle). I'm not sure I would have expected him to know what you meant by "dip" or the different cuts of meat. The squash thing is a bit stranger, especially if you sent pictures. Is he usually that literal-minded? Does this happen with other things you ask him to do?

 

We all have strengths and weaknesses but at some point you have to recognize what your partner can and can't do. We are renovating a very old house and my husband has had to teach me a handful of things, from basic electrical repair to drywalling. Some of these I have picked up pretty quick, while others I just can't do very well at all no matter how hard he tries, and it's hard to deal with the latter without some resentment and frustration. It is hard when you feel like your partner expects something that's apparently beyond you, or you don't understand why you made a mistake. But being able to discuss it is key. Once you figure out what you can and can't reasonably teach, you know where your limitations are, and from there you can adjust your expectations. (We have learned through a lot of trial and error that I am good with tasks requiring significant manual dexterity, but not at all good at tasks with visual judgments. Likewise, he brings me things for proofreading and editing, and trusts me to fold the laundry because he could not get a crisp fold if he tried.) It sounds like this is more about feeling like your husband doesn't contribute on an equal basis.

 

I am still puzzled by his feeling "duped" by the grocery store. I get being embarrassed by buying the wrong things, but did he really think it was the store's fault?

Edited July 2, 2018 by lana-banana

[SJS]

Wow, way to ruin a marriage over a few dollars? He's not a child. If you treat your partner like a child, you're going to start a long, painful descent into divorce.

 

 

 

Her husband has already apologized and offered to learn. That's enough.

 

On the other hand shopping for groceries is not rocket science. He shouldn't need his hand held while reading labels in the meat dept and shouldn't act like a child by throwing a fit when he bought the wrong items.

[Els]

On the other hand shopping for groceries is not rocket science. He shouldn't need his hand held while reading labels in the meat dept and shouldn't act like a child by throwing a fit when he bought the wrong items.

 

If you notice, I mentioned that his reaction was overboard, and expressed concern for his lack of chore-sharing. He was wrong to respond in the manner that he did and he should absolutely step up with the chores (which, btw, the OP mentions he has already apologized for and is going shopping with her the next time to learn). None of that changes the fact that S2B's idea was absolutely horrible.

 

Why would you look at it this way?

 

With every action there's consequences. His consequences for his prior purchase.

 

It really concerns me how you cannot see that this is treating someone like a child:

 

Send him back with request for rice, beans and pasta.

 

Tell him those are the three dinners you all will eat to make up for the three meals you won't have meat for.

 

See if he gets the plan... let him eat next to nothing for three days to compensate a poor purchase. With every error there is a consequence.

Equal partners don't impose "consequences" like this on each other. They talk about what went wrong and figure out how they can work together to fix it in the future - which, btw, is what the OP and her husband seem to have done!

 

If you treat a partner in this manner, don't be surprised when they get justifiably angry and cannot view you as a partner and teammate any longer. The consequences for YOUR behaviour will be a divorce, which is typically much more costly than a few wrong cuts of meat.

[Els]

I admit I have no idea what top or bottom round is To me meat is meat, whatever. I'd be super stressed if I had a spouse sending me to shop with a list including pictures... Why wouldn't just go yourself if you're that particular?

 

Big picture: unless you're feeding a family of 10, groceries for a week are nothing in the big financial picture. Is it even worth arguing over something so insignificant?

 

 

Yeah... in general, I tend to assess "money saved" by how much I could actually earn with the time spent on "saving the money". If I had to spend 30 extra minutes to save $5, it's not really worth it IMO, since I could earn much more than that in 30 minutes. I also don't really believe in the mantra "a dollar saved is a dollar earned", because the job experience and resume improvement that you get alongside the dollars earned is worth much more in terms of opportunity cost. Where possible, I firmly believe that time is always better spent improving earning potential, and on saving the "big ticket" costs (e.g. researching rental costs, tax returns, etc).

 

 

That being said, if money really is very tight for someone and earning extra money isn't as easy, it does make sense to dime-and-nickel all expenses. It must feel very frustrating to do so, though.

[d0nnivain]

The over reaction is really what freaked me out.

 

I've been mad at myself for trivial errors. I get it. Nobody likes to think they made a mistake.

 

I swear I didn't think I was demeaning. We're past it & things are good but I will probably always be taken aback by his anger. That is on me. No I don't think he'd ever hurt me . . . yell sure but I'm not going to say all raised voices are always bad.

[Art_Critic]

I buy the wrong thing all the time and forget to buy just as many..

We do about 50/50 on the grocery shopping however but when she asks me to pick up a few things I will almost always forget something, even if she texted me or I'll get the wrong item.

 

If I don't know what to get I normally buy 2 different items and cover the bases..

 

BTW, if my spouse laid out consequences for messing up the grocery shopping I would have to rethink things and most likely either never go shopping ever again or have a knock out drag out and straighten out whatever the heck is wrong.. cuz that would be messed up...totally and if the relationship was that bad we would split up.. consequences for messing up a simple favor/chore.. yikes...

 

No sex for you since you bought rice instead of bread and forgot the beans....

[clia]

I have to admit, it's really bizarre to me that even with all of your instructions, discussions about price, etc., that he still screwed up so badly. It does make me think he wasn't even trying.

 

Maybe the two of you could start going grocery shopping together? That way he could get an idea of what you typically buy and you could show him the different cuts and prices, so that if you need him to go in the future by himself it isn't all so foreign to him.

[Els]

The over reaction is really what freaked me out.

 

I've been mad at myself for trivial errors. I get it. Nobody likes to think they made a mistake.

 

I swear I didn't think I was demeaning. We're past it & things are good but I will probably always be taken aback by his anger. That is on me. No I don't think he'd ever hurt me . . . yell sure but I'm not going to say all raised voices are always bad.

 

 

Could you talk to him about the reaction itself? I agree that this is the bigger issue. It's understandable that some people's gut reaction to criticism is anger, but that is something that could be worked on.

[Gaeta]

He's also threatening to never help again, which is unacceptable to me.

 

How do I soothe the wounded male ego?

 

 

This threat was an empty knee-jerk reaction. He apologized and you should forgive him. You've been together for many years, you know this is not representative of his character.

 

 

 

You were trying to show your guy a new trick and he didn't get it, don't hold it against him. When my BF sees 4.99/lb under the grapes he doesn't realize it's per pound and not for the whole bag EVEN if I told him at least 10 times.

[camillalev]

In regards to some of the men posting here that they agreed to do the chores their wife/exwife asked them to do and therefore they shouldnt have been angry - your wife, ex wife, whoever, shouldn't be asking you to clean around YOUR house. You should be doing it of your own volition. Not waiting for your wife to ask you to pick up after yourself. It's also your responsibility to see what needs to be done and take initiative.

 

It's likely your husband made the mistake he did because he doesnt know the difference between a whole chicken and a chicken breast? Or that he doesnt know that different cuts of steak come from different areas of an animal? Seems ridiculous that a grown man might not know but maybe he doesnt. Next time, maybe go together to the grocery store and show him, or ask him to go online and do some research so in the future he doesnt make the same mistake.

[camillalev]

Unless your man came home with horse meat, or put you in the poorhouse, you could have simply said, like my woman: "Top round instead of bottom round? Really?" Then when he asks the inevitable, "What's the difference?" You can then tell him, lovingly. Luckily, there is an easy fix... it involves cooking him a big meal and lots of sex for dessert... and next time you send him to the market, ask for a single easily defined item, like a bottle of tobacco sauce - and as long as he doesn't bring home a puppy, be happy you have such a helpful man...

 

Grown men arent children.. How do men run businesses like this??

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He didn't want to do it, so he did it wrong, so you won't ask him to do it, again.

 

My sister swears her husband does this with washing dishes. She never complains about the dirty dishes she pulls out of the cupboards, though. It's like a power struggle.

[camillalev]

Yep, your husband did the poor task so you don't have him do it again.

 

How old is he?

 

Now he knows you won't ask him again and he's happy about that!

 

 

Send him again next week... see if he can improve his skills by learning a bit at a time to be more accurate. Expect to lose money as he learns to be sufficient at a menial task.

 

Out of curiosity, how did your husband cook for himself before you were together? I agree that his reaction was overboard and it's not fair to be annoyed when someone else doesn't do a task exactly as directed, but grocery shopping is not rocket science. I would also be baffled if an adult said "all chicken and steak is the same." Is he that helpless with other basic things? Does it contribute to your feeling overburdened by household tasks?

 

On the other hand shopping for groceries is not rocket science. He shouldn't need his hand held while reading labels in the meat dept and shouldn't act like a child by throwing a fit when he bought the wrong items.

 

Agree. Many in this thread are talking about him and treating him as though he's a child(I think even in my original response). How did he get by in his adult life not knowing that various parts of the chicken/cow are different? Grocery shopping on a budget is something even a college student knows how to do. It's an adult skill.

 

Wanting a whole chicken isnt being nitpicky. It's not like you asked for organic, free-range, chemical free chicken that was raised on a specific farm in virginia. You wanted a whole chicken.

 

I didn't start a fight. I came on here about it because I became the brunt of misplaced anger -- raised voices, muttered curses, things slammed on the counter. That scared me.

 

This is also concerning. slamming this and cursing for getting the wrong items at the store?

 

While this is a cute story, it somewhat annoys me that it's viewed as "helpful" when a man does something as basic and integral to adult function as grocery shopping, lol. If both people are working full-time and contributing equally to finances, doing household chores or groceries isn't "helping", it's just doing your part as a functional adult. I mean, wouldn't it be viewed as utterly preposterous if we said the OP was "a very helpful woman" for "helping to carry the baby", or something of that sort?

 

Exactly.

 

He's also threatening to never help again, which is unacceptable to me.

 

This IS unacceptable. He's not "helping" you buy YOUR individual groceries. He's should be doing this for the BOTH of you and your shared finances.

[MidwestUSA]

I can loan out my H. This isn't rocket science.

 

That man scans all the circulars, and uploads the coupon apps to his phone. The man knows meat like no one I've ever met. In fact, the grill and smoker are both fired up as I speak, and we'll eat all week off of it.

 

I haven't made a major grocery trip alone in four years. Yea, I may have to stop for milk or beer once in a while.

 

I'm spoiled rotten.

[BluEyeL]

Sadly, although your husband did screw up, you treated him disrespectfully and this is why he lashed out. Maybe read a book called “love and respect “.

 

I’m well too familiar with the double standards society imposed on women. However, it’s not a question of why he can’t help? He can , he just doesn’t do things your way . If something is really important to you, better do it yourself. Let go in enough other areas so your husband can step up and help there. But be sure you are ok with whatever way he’s doing things .

[d0nnivain]

Sadly, although your husband did screw up, you treated him disrespectfully and this is why he lashed out. Maybe read a book called “love and respect “.

 

I’m well too familiar with the double standards society imposed on women. However, it’s not a question of why he can’t help? He can , he just doesn’t do things your way . If something is really important to you, better do it yourself. Let go in enough other areas so your husband can step up and help there. But be sure you are ok with whatever way he’s doing things .

 

All I said was why did you buy this chicken instead of the chicken that was on sale?

 

How is asking a question disrespectful? All the "prep" before hand was him asking for specifics. It's been that way since he brought home the wrong squash.

[BluEyeL]

So he did it wrong despite detailed instructions. You pointed out he did it wrong. Even if you didn’t feel you were accusing, he felt shamed/ashamed of his mistake and often men react angrily when they feel shame.

 

What can you do to teach him? You can’t “teach “ him. You could go grocery shopping together many times so he learns that particular store very well but without lecturing .

 

Or you can let it go and just say thank you even when he got it wrong. Or you can discuss division of labor and he can pick an extra chore he prefers and stay out of the grocery shopping.

 

All in all, my point is that yes men do less on average and yes it’s not fair and they should do more . But it’s always good for us to be mindful of the fact that they may not do things the way we would and let go of some stuff. Our relationships can improve that way and I think men may do more than if we nag. Either accept their job or do it ourselves without complaints and resentment.

 

I know it’s a bit outrageous but people don’t like it when we act like their boss or parent in a relationship and they may over react like your hubby did when they feel criticized

Edited July 3, 2018 by BluEyeL

[JuneL]

Just curious: Is this how you and your husband treat each other? The thing is, if it’s up to her husband, he would just have grabbed something to make a simple and quick sandwich. And how are you going to punish him by only allowing him to eat 3 tasteless meals this week, when he’s an adult who is fully capable of going out and buy food that he’s familiar with or eat at a restaurant?

 

My gut still says he did it on purpose by acting like a child.

 

Since he's incapable of simple tasks - take him and hold his hand through it like he is a child.

 

Seriously a grown man who can't grocery shop? He is spoiled and acting like a brat.

 

My kids did better when they were 10 years old.

 

 

Quit spoiling him. I stand by my suggestion of VERY simple meals (3 this week) since he didn't buy enough for the six meals you planned.

 

Or... let him return to the market and spend next to nothing to plan AND cook three meals himself. Does he cook often?

[Whodatdog]

Is this the hill you want to die on? Its like pushing a rope, you will get no where with this. He's not good at grocery shopping; so dont ask him to do it, you do it, exactly how you want. Everyone isnt good at everything, delegating will make your life much happier.

[Els]

Just curious: Is this how you and your husband treat each other? The thing is, if it’s up to her husband, he would just have grabbed something to make a simple and quick sandwich. And how are you going to punish him by only allowing him to eat 3 tasteless meals this week, when he’s an adult who is fully capable of going out and buy food that he’s familiar with or eat at a restaurant?

 

Yeah, exactly. Plus the man works and earns money, it's not like he's dependent on her for "allowance" to buy food.

 

If a partner ever tried S2B's method on me, the MILDEST response they would get would be me telling them to have fun dining alone for the next 3 days. If our relationship survived it, anyway.

 

He should grow up! He can learn! If he goes by most of the standards listed out by most posters in this thread - that men can't do simple tasks - that's wrong... men do what they are taught to do - and if SHE never went to the market HE would HAVE to learn how to do it.

 

He jeopardized the task. He failed. He should make it right. That's how you fix what you did wrong.

 

Throwing a tantrum and misplacing the anger does not make it right.

 

 

Oh my god, have you READ the thread??? He APOLOGIZED. And he said he would GO WITH HER NEXT TIME TO LEARN. How many times do we need to mention this to you???

[bathtub-row]

I say if he wants to spend more money than necessary, then more power to him. Personally, I would’ve kept quiet about what he did because it wasn’t that big of a deal. I would’ve just thanked him for going. End of story.

 

The male ego isn’t to be toyed with too often, nor underestimated. You need to learn to pick your battles and should’ve anticipated this reaction from him. Honestly, he was probably hoping to impress you by going and getting good things. You kinda burst his bubble. The flip side is, if he were deliberately doing a bad job so that you wouldn’t ask him again, then you played right into it.

 

You know, every time I’ve ever sent a guy to the grocery store for something, it almost always takes 3 times longer than it would take me. I have no idea what that’s about but I’ve learned to laugh about it because it’s kind of funny and cute. Men don’t like to shop and I think when they do, they tend to over-analyze.

[JuneL]

To add, I’m not sure how this “following her to the grocery store so that he can teach him” is going to work. Next time, just send him a snapshot of the coupon and he can ask the people working there: “Where can I find this chicken/steak that is currently on sale?”

[clia]

To add, I’m not sure how this “following her to the grocery store so that he can teach him” is going to work. Next time, just send him a snapshot of the coupon and he can ask the people working there: “Where can I find this chicken/steak that is currently on sale?”

 

I think this is exactly what she did, though! She sent him with the coupons and circular so he'd know exactly what to get and he still bought the wrong thing.

 

I really don't know what she could've done different other than go with him and pick it out for him. IMO, there's really no excuse for an adult to not be able to figure this out with the directions she gave him and the discussions they'd had about price. I certainly wouldn't be falling all over myself thanking him for his "help." I'd be thinking WTF is wrong with you?