husband duped / not paying attention

[JuneL]

I think this is exactly what she did, though! She sent him with the coupons and circular so he'd know exactly what to get and he still bought the wrong thing.

 

I really don't know what she could've done different other than go with him and pick it out for him. IMO, there's really no excuse for an adult to not be able to figure this out with the directions she gave him and the discussions they'd had about price. I certainly wouldn't be falling all over myself thanking him for his "help." I'd be thinking WTF is wrong with you?

 

I meant he can just ask the grocery guys next time. For someone like him, it’s much more time-consuming to look for the stuff himself, even with the help of pictures and prices.

[d0nnivain]

I meant he can just ask the grocery guys next time. For someone like him, it’s much more time-consuming to look for the stuff himself, even with the help of pictures and prices.

 

Real men don't ask for directions. His failure to ask boggled my mind too. I mean he's heard me joke about how I shop at the hardware store: bring a picture or the thing & hold it out to the store employee saying "where can I get another one?"

[Happy Lemming]

For me, I had to learn at a very young age how to grocery shop on a razor thin margin.

 

I was out on my own at 18, and had to make rent, utilities, car insurance, gasoline, and food all on a crappy little salary. There was nothing extra left over at the end of the month. Food was kind of a luxury. I couldn't afford any meat and used to purchase these meat flavored textured vegetable protein patties, they were a box of 100 for $10. If you closed your eyes and ate them quickly, it almost tasted like some kind of meat.

 

I've carried that mentality with me and am still careful about how I grocery shop. I'm guessing OP's husband was never that close to the edge and didn't learn this process.

[d0nnivain]

I'm guessing OP's husband was never that close to the edge and didn't learn this process.

 

Ironically, he's the one who grew up with close margins. I was spoiled rotten & never wanted for anything but I grew up with depression era parents who were cheap. My parents lived in the Bronx & talked about walking across the Throgs Neck Bridge to get the bus on the other side because it was $0.10 on their side & only $0.05 on the other side.

 

DH & I are OK; it's just lean right now & probably will be for a few more months.

 

His entire family IMO is broke yet they spend money like water; it makes me crazy. If you saw some of my other threads about my MIL that may give you insight. The woman actually got mad at me the other day because I wouldn't authorize the electricians to come back & do cosmetic work around the house on a piecemeal basis every time a new fixture arrived. Each time they walk in the door we have to pay a service call fee of $125 so I told her they would come back once when everything had been delivered. She complained. I told her they could come as often as she wanted but she had to pay the $125 each time. Now she's happy to wait until next week because the last light & fan combo will arrive on Thursday.

 

Again my thread wasn't so much about the chicken or the cost but the intensity of DH's reaction when I asked about the chicken he bought. If he has said, he bought the organic precut chicken because he wanted to eat " better" or save me the labor of having to filet the breasts myself I would have said thank you & left it. But when he said he didn't know the difference that is when I inquired further & got an over the top reaction.

[Happy Lemming]

DH & I are OK; it's just lean right now & probably will be for a few more months.

 

Here's hoping you get through those lean months. I know your pain!!

 

Blue skies...

[camillalev]

To add, I’m not sure how this “following her to the grocery store so that he can teach him” is going to work. Next time, just send him a snapshot of the coupon and he can ask the people working there: “Where can I find this chicken/steak that is currently on sale?”

 

Yes to this. I ask for help at the grocery store all the time.

 

How do men take care of themselves before marriage?

[Els]

Yes to this. I ask for help at the grocery store all the time.

 

How do men take care of themselves before marriage?

 

 

You don't HAVE to know how to cook (or conversely shop for ingredients to cook with) to survive. Most of the people I know, of both genders, did just fine without touching a saucepan in college - we just ate a lot of instant meals, sandwiches, ate out at cheap stalls, etc . Obviously, not so desirable in a 40(?) year old, and high time for that to change, but it's not exactly unbelievable.

[Art_Critic]

How do men take care of themselves before marriage?

 

In my 20's and some of my 30's... Domino's

[Art_Critic]

In my 30's my then 6-7 year old nephew when to school and nominated uncle Art_Critic to be a needy family for the food drive....

 

My fridge was empty and the panty cabinet was empty .. he thought it was because I was poor

[camillalev]

You don't HAVE to know how to cook (or conversely shop for ingredients to cook with) to survive. Most of the people I know, of both genders, did just fine without touching a saucepan in college - we just ate a lot of instant meals, sandwiches, ate out at cheap stalls, etc . Obviously, not so desirable in a 40(?) year old, and high time for that to change, but it's not exactly unbelievable.

 

Because 18 year old college students might not cook that means a 40 year old man doesnt need to? Why are we comparing behaviors of two vastly different age groups/life stages to conclude that it's not exactly unbelievable that a 40 year old man doesnt have a basic life skill Why do we always do this with men "well my teenager who has never lived on their own doesnt know how to _____ so it's so that crazy that my 45 year old husband and father of two kids doesnt know how to either!"

 

Apparently these 18 year olds are still better at grocery shopping than this fully grown middle aged man is.. they know how to bargain shop!

 

If my husband was like this I would seriously reconsider having kids with him.. imagine.

Edited July 4, 2018 by camillalev

[Els]

Because 18 year old college students might not cook that means a 40 year old man doesnt need to? Why are we comparing behaviors of two vastly different age groups/life stages to conclude that it's not exactly unbelievable that a 40 year old man doesnt have a basic life skill Why do we always do this with men "well my 11 year old doesnt know how to _____ so it's so that crazy that my 45 year old husband and father of two kids doesnt know how to either!"

 

Apparently these 18 year olds are still better at grocery shopping than this fully grown middle aged man is.. they know how to bargain shop!

 

If my husband was like this I would seriously reconsider having kids with him.. imagine.

 

Why is it intrinsically unbelievable that a 40 yo wouldn't be good at grocery shopping/ cooking, but not unbelievable for a 21 yo? All of the food options that were available to the 21 yo are available to the 40 yo as well. Probably more, since if the 40 yo has a good job, they can easily pay others to do the cooking for them on a regular basis. Some people just prioritize cooking more than others.

 

I think some of you are really piling on the OP's husband unnecessarily. Yes he has flaws, he's bad at shopping, he made a stupid mistake. The mistake cost them all of $10. He apologized for said mistake and wants to make it right. You're acting like he just committed a crime, for chrissakes.

 

If everyone reacted this strongly to a stupid mistake by a spouse, nobody in the world would still be married.

[No_Go]

How on earth cooking is a basic life skill ?? It’s a hobby no more no less, since one can buy anything cooked/ near cooked.

 

Imposing your hobby on your partner is just... controlling at best. You know, fast food is much cheaper than any home cooked crap nowadays, it’s not like one depends on their cooking spouse.

 

Because 18 year old college students might not cook that means a 40 year old man doesnt need to? Why are we comparing behaviors of two vastly different age groups/life stages to conclude that it's not exactly unbelievable that a 40 year old man doesnt have a basic life skill Why do we always do this with men "well my teenager who has never lived on their own doesnt know how to _____ so it's so that crazy that my 45 year old husband and father of two kids doesnt know how to either!"

 

Apparently these 18 year olds are still better at grocery shopping than this fully grown middle aged man is.. they know how to bargain shop!

 

If my husband was like this I would seriously reconsider having kids with him.. imagine.

[No_Go]

In my 30's my then 6-7 year old nephew when to school and nominated uncle Art_Critic to be a needy family for the food drive....

 

My fridge was empty and the panty cabinet was empty .. he thought it was because I was poor

 

LOL my fridge is full ... primarily with Diet Coke. If there is food in there, means I have guest/s that night Cooking is reserved to impress people, for me a pint of ice cream for dinner is heaven. Sure my niece would think poor auntie is starving

[No_Go]

You don't HAVE to know how to cook (or conversely shop for ingredients to cook with) to survive. Most of the people I know, of both genders, did just fine without touching a saucepan in college - we just ate a lot of instant meals, sandwiches, ate out at cheap stalls, etc . Obviously, not so desirable in a 40(?) year old, and high time for that to change, but it's not exactly unbelievable.

 

And why exactly is not desirable at 40? If he probably can afford eating out/take outs. Summing utilities+grocery bills+tools, price wise it’s about the same if not cheaper.

[Els]

And why exactly is not desirable at 40? If he probably can afford eating out/take outs. Summing utilities+grocery bills+tools, price wise it’s about the same if not cheaper.

 

 

I think at 40 it is probably "desirable" to know how to cook/grocery shop, because (1) your metabolism has slowed down a lot by 40, and eating healthy is much more important then - you can still get healthy meals via takeaway, but the options are more limited, and (2) some people find it desirable to sit down to a home-cooked family meal at night. But it's certainly not NEEDED for survival the way camillalev is trying to make it out to be.

 

 

 

I swear, some people are reaaaaalllllyyy good at turning molehills into mountains, lol.

[Haydn]

Just seen this thread, Don.

 

I often come back with all the wrong things.

 

But i like bargains and tend to come back with things that are on sale but serve no useful purpose in our lives.

 

Glow in the dark hairnets. (Me and the kids had fun)

 

48 rolls of toilet paper to compliment the other 48 rolls in the utility room.

 

An assortment of Teas with exotic names which all taste like dishwater but promise to make you live forever.

 

He`ll get over it.

 

As for budgets etc, another thread....

[JuneL]

I think that your hubby probably found grocery shopping those exact items an annoying task, so he was upset when you told him he didn’t do it right (after having endeared such annoyance).

 

As for cooking, I dunno. I’ve heard people who claimed that they know how to cook, but let’s just say I wouldn’t want to eat those meals

[Els]

LOL my fridge is full ... primarily with Diet Coke. If there is food in there, means I have guest/s that night Cooking is reserved to impress people, for me a pint of ice cream for dinner is heaven. Sure my niece would think poor auntie is starving

 

 

I just checked my fridge. It's full, but with...

 

- Four tubs of cold pressed avo

- A tub of greek yogurt

- A few punnets of berries, other fruits

- Lots of different drinks. Non-alch, beer, wine...

- Few types of cheese

- Various spreads and jams

- Bread (yes, we keep this in the fridge)

- Eggs (yes, yes...)

 

Not much that we can cook with, haha. We usually cook only 1-2x/week nowadays, since food delivery in this city is so convenient, affordable, and lots of options. We did cook a lot more often when we lived in a small town and I was only working part-time, though. Now that I'm working full-time, honestly I can't be arsed most of the time. The SO is actually a really good cook, but he just doesn't have the time to do it on weekdays due to his work hours, and weekends (if he's not working) are date nights.

[Maraud3r]

No, he disrespected her!

No, not at all. While his reaction was out of line, so was the entire situation to begin with. This is not a marriatge between equals, not how adults interact with one another.

 

The problem here is, she's frankly speaking looking down on him and clearly showing this. You are doing the same. It's not even that you don't seem to notice, you just think it's your "right" and "how things should be" as "the better".

 

Hilariously enough. This is more often than not a consequence of Dunning-Krueger Syndrome. At least the whole treating other people like incompetent children and believing one superior to them.

[d0nnivain]

No, not at all. While his reaction was out of line, so was the entire situation to begin with. This is not a marriatge between equals, not how adults interact with one another.

 

The problem here is, she's frankly speaking looking down on him and clearly showing this. You are doing the same. It's not even that you don't seem to notice, you just think it's your "right" and "how things should be" as "the better".

 

Hilariously enough. This is more often than not a consequence of Dunning-Krueger Syndrome. At least the whole treating other people like incompetent children and believing one superior to them.

 

Thanks for the laugh. I enjoyed the arm chair psychology that missed the mark by miles. I am not condescending, especially to my husband. I do give clear precise instructions. Doing so is part of being an effective communicator. I don't expect him to read my mind & then go off when his psychic abilities fail me.

 

But let me as you this: what should I have done?

 

 

1. Not asked my husband to go to the store so we had nothing to eat?

 

 

2. Not done my job, in favor of going to the store, so we had no money? We live in a place where unfortunately grocery stores close at 9 pm. So leaving my house at 7 a.m. but not getting home until after 10 p.m. left

me with no time to shop. Similarly paying up to $50 extra per order to have somebody else shop for me & pick it up or have it delivered also defeats the idea of a budget. I don't know about you, but where I'm from money doesn't grow on trees.

 

3. Not given him a list or the circular so he could have bought whatever he wanted, even if that also resulted in us not having nutritious meals? I really had no interest in eating cereal, PB&J, or frozen food all week. The two weeks before we had take out A LOT which was wearing thing on the wallet.

 

 

You may think it's condescending but I think it's ridiculous that a grown man doesn't know that whole chicken breaks are different from pre-cut organic chicken fillets when even the color of the packaging was different -- yellow vs. green.

 

But for him to snap at me in an angry tone, saying the store is at fault continues to make no sense.

 

Try to remember, I didn't scream "You bought the wrong thing, you idiot." I said, "Why did you buy the more expensive pre-cut organic fillets when I asked you for the whole chicken breasts that were on sale?" In your world it seems I'm not allowed to ask questions. I'm just supposed to say thank you because he went to the store, regardless of what he came home with. Would your answer be the same if all he bought were frozen chicken tenders, chips & beer?

[usa1ah]

What I can’t understand is how anyone can be unable to go grocery shopping at your husbands age.

 

I’m dumb founded. Has he ever been shopping anywhere? If so, he should know how to look for the things on the list.

[Happy Lemming]

I do give clear precise instructions.

 

If I could expand upon your post... For me, it seems my grocery store tries to do a subtle "bait and switch". They have this great sale item, but they put it towards the top and back of the meat shelf. They put the expensive cuts up front and lower to catch the eye of the shopper. Sometimes I have to ask the Grocery Store butcher where is "this particular" cut of meat/poultry that is on sale $.99/pound. So having the circular and the picture is advantageous, so the butcher can see exactly what I want to purchase. If they are sold out, sometimes they will substitute a different meat at that sale price vs. losing a sale.

 

I've also been trying these new "digital coupon" that you load to your frequent shopper card. They have their own problems when you try to use them. Lately, I've been printing out my digital coupons and taking them with me, so when the check out clerk wants to argue about the price of something, I whip out my printout. It seems the old "clip it out of the Sunday paper" coupons are becoming a thing of the past.

[d0nnivain]

Happy Lemming I think that the store's tactic of making the more expensive stuff more accessible played a part in it.

 

I'm just trying to figure out why Maraud3r keeps making me the bad guy in all of this? Since he or she is so insistent that I'm wrong I would like to know what his / her solution would have been.

[BettyDraper]

How on earth cooking is a basic life skill ?? It’s a hobby no more no less, since one can buy anything cooked/ near cooked.

 

Imposing your hobby on your partner is just... controlling at best. You know, fast food is much cheaper than any home cooked crap nowadays, it’s not like one depends on their cooking spouse.

 

Cooking is a life skill because buying cooked items and frozen items becomes expensive. Being unable or unwilling to cook shows a lack of responsibility and maturity. Most people have families with children at some point so cooking becomes a necessity at that point due to cost.

 

Being able to cook, clean and grocery shop are all basic tasks of adulthood.

 

As for the OP, I don’t believe that it’s unreasonable to expect a spouse to be able to follow basic instructions. Perhaps spouses who do not wish to be treated like children should behave like adults. An intelligent grown person should be able to follow a grocery list unless he cannot read. Unfortunately, it’s quite common for men to be clueless about domestic tasks because most men are coddled by parents and then wives when it comes to such matters. I don’t understand why men’s incompetence in this area is laughed off. I find it hard to respect adults who cannot be trusted with simple everyday tasks.

 

While I believe that respect and appreciation are extremely important to men, it is not helpful to tiptoe around men’s emotions to protect their egos. This creates an unhealthy imbalance in a marriage. Lashing out for no good reason is unbecoming for an adult. Constructive criticism is necessary even if it doesn’t always feel good.

[BettyDraper]

Thanks for the laugh. I enjoyed the arm chair psychology that missed the mark by miles. I am not condescending, especially to my husband. I do give clear precise instructions. Doing so is part of being an effective communicator. I don't expect him to read my mind & then go off when his psychic abilities fail me.

 

But let me as you this: what should I have done?

 

 

1. Not asked my husband to go to the store so we had nothing to eat?

 

 

2. Not done my job, in favor of going to the store, so we had no money? We live in a place where unfortunately grocery stores close at 9 pm. So leaving my house at 7 a.m. but not getting home until after 10 p.m. left

me with no time to shop. Similarly paying up to $50 extra per order to have somebody else shop for me & pick it up or have it delivered also defeats the idea of a budget. I don't know about you, but where I'm from money doesn't grow on trees.

 

3. Not given him a list or the circular so he could have bought whatever he wanted, even if that also resulted in us not having nutritious meals? I really had no interest in eating cereal, PB&J, or frozen food all week. The two weeks before we had take out A LOT which was wearing thing on the wallet.

 

 

You may think it's condescending but I think it's ridiculous that a grown man doesn't know that whole chicken breaks are different from pre-cut organic chicken fillets when even the color of the packaging was different -- yellow vs. green.

 

But for him to snap at me in an angry tone, saying the store is at fault continues to make no sense.

 

Try to remember, I didn't scream "You bought the wrong thing, you idiot." I said, "Why did you buy the more expensive pre-cut organic fillets when I asked you for the whole chicken breasts that were on sale?" In your world it seems I'm not allowed to ask questions. I'm just supposed to say thank you because he went to the store, regardless of what he came home with. Would your answer be the same if all he bought were frozen chicken tenders, chips & beer?

 

Some people think that wives should never voice any negative opinions in a marriage. They think that husbands’ egos are more important. A real man would be able to handle a justified negative reaction to his behavior, provided that the reaction was measured and calm.