husband duped / not paying attention

[camillalev]

Hey OP, did you hear, it's cheaper to just eat out for every meal. Or just get a private chef to make all your meals for you, because that too is super afforable

 

I ordered affordable delivery for three meals recently and the price of the food, delivery fee, tax, and tip still added up to what could have been a week of groceries that covered breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe it depends on where you live? In most cities like LA, NYC, SF, Austin, etc, grocery shopping is far cheaper than ordering delivery everyday or eating out mutiple times a day. In smaller towns, I have no idea.

 

OP, It's clear to your husband has to learn how to do these things. It may seem like small beans now, but if you ever have kids(which will impact your finances in a big way) and he doesn't know how to shop for necessities like food on a budget, it will become a bigger issue. It seems like you don't want to be one of those wives who work during the day then comes home and does everything for your family, including your husband. He needs to and will need to know how to show up for you. Buying food and spending within a budget is a basic adult skill, particularly when looking after a family. Not knowing the difference between a chicken thigh and a chicken breast is pretty strange for someone in their 40s. Has he never ordered a plate of buffulo chicken wings/drumsticks and had a preference? Or ordered fried chicken with different chicken parts? Or seen a turkey on thanksgiving?

 

Does your husband care about eating healthily? If not that might just be a difference in values. Some people are fine eating instant ramen and frozen chicken nuggets for every meal, or ordering out thai. If that's the case, show him what it is you're looking for as far as grocery shopping.

We can argue all day about how he doesn't know xyz at whatever age, but if this is important to you and you want him to be able to contribute to grocery shopping/bringing healthy food home/grocery shopping for two(or a family) on a budget, guide him. If he's genuinely clueless he'll catch on with time. If he's acting this way on purpose as some have suggested, I think it'll become pretty obvious.

Edited July 8, 2018 by camillalev

[Els]

I don't understand why everyone keeps talking about kids. AFAIK OP has no kids and doesn't ever plan to have kids. Perhaps she can chime in on that?

 

Our last food delivery bill came up to a whopping $30 for two people, inclusive of everything. We got a good spread of rice, Hainanese chicken, a veggie dish, a special chili paste, and noodle soup in real chicken broth... all of which would have taken over 15 ingredients costing $20+ and over an hour to make. Granted you COULD cook something simpler and less tasty for less than $20... but the point is that the value for money wasn't horrible.

 

 

 

I agree that it's important that both spouses see things the same way, though.

Edited July 8, 2018 by Elswyth

[Els]

All of the costs of cooking you mentioned are completely irrelevant because you would have used the time, money, and utilities saved for other tasks. I find your explanation funny. I’m sure you’re not sitting at work thinking “I saved 34.65 minutes by buying my meals. Now I can stay at work for that amount of time!” Also, your argument about taking the time to earn more money doesn’t make sense for those who are not paid hourly.

 

An example of how this worked out for me - putting cooking on the back burner for a bit enabled me to focus on putting extra effort/time into my job, which got me a raise of $1000/month (which is actually fairly small as far as raises go). That's an extra $30+/day - it more than made up for the amount spent on eating out. Plus, your career tends to be exponential.

 

Could I have gotten it while STILL cooking on a daily basis? I doubt so. Not without seriously jeopardizing my health, sanity, or relationship in the process, anyway. I firmly believe that R&R time is more important towards all aspects of life (including job performance and consequently earning potential), than people give it credit for.

 

There is always a tradeoff for everything. Saving money at the expense of time may be necessary in some contexts, less important in others. It really depends on the individual and the situation. It's entirely valid for the OP to value money more at this stage, but it's not necessarily a black-and-white thing for EVERYONE.

Edited July 8, 2018 by Elswyth

[JuneL]

Elswyth’s post above made a few good points. Personally, I enjoy cooking sometimes and enjoy picking up some new recipes. But I’ve also seen plenty who claimed they know how to cook, but their typical meal may consist of putting salt and pepper on some chicken breasts and put them in whatever kitchenware/instrument, and boiling some frozen vegetables.

[d0nnivain]

I don't understand why everyone keeps talking about kids. AFAIK OP has no kids and doesn't ever plan to have kids. Perhaps she can chime in on that?

 

No kids & well past the time that they are an option.

 

I made the expensive organic chicken the other night & my husband made a joke out of it, which I appreciated. He said since we're gonna have the fancy chicken we need the good china. He actually got out our wedding china, washed it, set the table, lit some candles & babbled on & on about how much better this chicken was then plain old chicken. For a minute I thought he was serious. I asked if he could taste the difference because I couldn't & I have a more delicate palate then he does. He looked at me like I was daft & carried on about the alleged superiority of this chicken. It was all great fun. But that is what I love about my husband -- his uncanny ability to make me laugh.

[Zapbasket]

I've witnessed men doing the same because they would rather be lazy and play video games or watch sports. I think that behavior is rather pathetic and childish. We all have duties in life. Being helpful to our spouses is one of them if we don't want resentment to poison our marriages.

 

Women are usually socialized to be caregivers so we put the comfort of others ahead of ourselves. We also excuse immaturity and incompetence from men. Men are not typically socialized to think of others so selfish behavior becomes the norm for them until they are alerted to it. A close friend of mine has a husband who wants another child. They have a 5 year old. My friend refuses to have another baby because her husband barely helps with their first child. How someone can ask about having another baby while doing nothing to help his spouse is beyond me. It's just so selfish. My friend had the flu recently and her husband actually asked her to get out of bed and make taco salad for him. There was no consideration for the fact that my friend was ill.

 

The point I am making is that wives need to stop coddling husbands and set firm boundaries. That's the only way marriages will become more equitable in terms of chores and childrearing.

 

I had exactly the same problem with a guy I dated in my twenties. I didn't have a dishwasher and he washed the dishes and did a terrible job--as in, whole food chunks you could see from across the room stuck to the "washed" plates. I tried so hard to not say anything but finally I just threw it out there: "Are you only half-washing the dishes on purpose so I'll do that chore, and not you?"

 

To his credit, he immediately (and sheepishly) copped to it. He said his mother assigned him to wash the dishes growing up and he'd purposefully do a terrible job so that she'd stop asking him.

 

And that's the problem right there. If his mom had set him straight instead of giving in, I wouldn't have had the problem I did. It generally takes so much less mental effort and energy to just do the job right rather than do it half-arsed.

 

I'm in the camp that any adult ought to be expected to be able to go to the store and pick up the right things, or at least follow the logic of the budget: "I couldn't find the chicken breasts you wanted but there was a great sale on chicken thighs...." It's not OP's job to soothe his "male ego" (what do we think that even means anymore, anyway, as a society? It's antiquated, and talk about condescending to women and men both. ); it's his job to get over it and be more aware the next time she asks him to go to the store / do any other household task.

[Zapbasket]

I made the expensive organic chicken the other night & my husband made a joke out of it, which I appreciated. He said since we're gonna have the fancy chicken we need the good china. He actually got out our wedding china, washed it, set the table, lit some candles & babbled on & on about how much better this chicken was then plain old chicken. For a minute I thought he was serious. I asked if he could taste the difference because I couldn't & I have a more delicate palate then he does. He looked at me like I was daft & carried on about the alleged superiority of this chicken. It was all great fun. But that is what I love about my husband -- his uncanny ability to make me laugh.

 

That's pretty funny. It was his way of acknowledging his fault and also ribbing the both of you for your respective roles in the situation. That would make me laugh, too.

 

Did you address his outburst with him, or just decide to let it all go for now?

[d0nnivain]

Did you address his outburst with him, or just decide to let it all go for now?

 

I let it go because I knew in that mood there was no talking to him. I had to let him simmer down. About 2 hours later he apologized. I accepted the apology & we moved on. Hence the dinner jokes.

 

Some chicken & a few harsh words uttered in my presence but not directed at me was not the hill I wanted to die on. Remember, some of this is that I overreact to any display of anger so I have to acknowledge that my perspective on the severity of the outburst may have been skewed.

[Els]

No kids & well past the time that they are an option.

 

I made the expensive organic chicken the other night & my husband made a joke out of it, which I appreciated. He said since we're gonna have the fancy chicken we need the good china. He actually got out our wedding china, washed it, set the table, lit some candles & babbled on & on about how much better this chicken was then plain old chicken. For a minute I thought he was serious. I asked if he could taste the difference because I couldn't & I have a more delicate palate then he does. He looked at me like I was daft & carried on about the alleged superiority of this chicken. It was all great fun. But that is what I love about my husband -- his uncanny ability to make me laugh.

 

 

Sounds like good fun all around. Very glad you didn't take the option of dying on this hill!

[Happy Lemming]

He said since we're gonna have the fancy chicken we need the good china.

 

I really like that you guys brought out the fancy china!! YEA!!

 

I don't have fancy china, but I do have these large pretty, artistic square plates. When I make a big dinner or holiday dinner, my girlfriend likes when I serve on these artistic square plates vs. my "plain jane" round white plates.

 

The large plates take up a lot more room in the dishwasher, so I don't use them that often, just special occasions and big meals.

 

Good for you, and good for the fancy china!!