Do you ever feel left out by your non-single friends?

[Zapbasket]

Do you feel like it's hard, as a single person, to build solid friendships with people who are not single?

 

I have a friend whom I really like, but I've been feeling frustrated with her lately because I feel like every get-together is on her terms, at her house, with her husband and parents (who live in their basement apartment). This worked well when I lived literally one minute from her, but now that I live a half hour's drive away, it's frustrating because she waits until the last minute to try to make plans with me. For instance, last Saturday she texted me around noon: "BBQ later today at my house; come on over!" I'd already made plans with another friend.

 

I haven't been as mobile as I usually am due to a leg injury and surgery, and so maybe I'm unreasonable but I feel like it would be nice if she'd try at least once to come to where I live, especially as she has a new car, instead of it always having to be me coming to her, and with her entire family (whom I like, don't get me wrong, it's just that I always feel like an add-on). Her daughter is in town visiting and on Thursday she texted me that she has a day off, she and her daughter are just hanging out at home, and I could come over and visit if I were free. I work from home, and I was not free, and I really felt a bit annoyed that yet again I'm getting this last-minute invite as though I have nothing to do.

 

I'd invite her to dinner or drinks at my house but I know it's hard for her to plan to be away from her husband and I just sadly do not have the money right now to have a dinner party for her entire family.

 

Sometimes I feel frustrated with my non-single friends in general, because they only focus on their immediate families and while I'd never say so for fear of being unreasonable, I do sometimes feel like it would be healthy for them sometimes to make a little one-on-one time for their single girlfriends. After all, they can vent to me about their spouses if they want, or just get a breather from their families for an hour.

 

I just feel like a big third wheel. And with this particular friend, it's making me start to distance myself from her, and look elsewhere for a good time.

 

Maybe this thread is one long vent and I'm sorry...but hopefully others can relate (and if so, feel free to vent here!).

[preraph]

It seems like it's always a problem or conflict. Their priority is their family and they do kind of oftentimes only socialize with friends at their personal convenience. But you need to speak up about it and say, Hey, I know we usually go to your house, but I have these physical problems now and I'm not sure how easy it would be for me to navigate your house (stairs, etc.) She will probably just blow you off though. You can ask her to meet you somewhere and take her to lunch, but if she brings the whole family, that's going to get awkward. The truth is now you ARE an add-on. If she never suggests you two going to lunch by yourselves or some other activity, then she is doing what's easiest for her and just inviting you to join her family, which is nice part of the time. Sounds to me like she has built-in babysitters, so I don't see any excuse for her not wanting to get away alone with her friend except that she prefers the company of her family and isn't bored by it like a lot of women get enough to want a girl's lunch. You can tell her it's hard for you to drive or climb stairs or whatever, but I see her just blowing you off until you can, based on past history.

[d0nnivain]

Especially if you have been mobility challenged I can understand why you want her to come to you.

 

Married doesn't mean joined at the hip. Yes, a dinner invitation probably should include her husband but not everybody else.

 

Otherwise tell her that you want a "girls" night.

 

As for the last minute BBQ invite I think that was just her being inclusive. People don't plan much any more. Everybody wants to be spontaneous but it does often conflict with other stuff

 

I actually feel like I have the opposite problem. Our single friends are the harder ones to pin down. Plus when they say let's get tickets to {this} they forget it's times two for us.

[Zapbasket]

I don't see any excuse for her not wanting to get away alone with her friend except that she prefers the company of her family and isn't bored by it like a lot of women get enough to want a girl's lunch. You can tell her it's hard for you to drive or climb stairs or whatever, but I see her just blowing you off until you can, based on past history.

 

Her daughter is in college, so she doesn't need babysitters, but I get what you mean. She did recently say to me that the people she most loves to spend time with are her family. She brought her parents from their home country that has a lot of political conflict to live with her, and all of this I think is GREAT. I also think it's awesome to love your spouse and family so much that they are the ones you are happiest to spend time with. I think that's how it SHOULD be!

 

But...I feel like it's also nice to make time for other friends. I know she likes me and cares about me, and even served as my ride to and from my leg surgery, made me a big container of chili and stayed with me the rest of the day to be sure I was ok. But that was now eight weeks ago, and I have not seen her once in that time. And I feel peevish but I do resent that a bit. This morning I saw pictures on social media of her rafting on the river with her daughter and, as her post says, "good friends." And I do feel a bit hurt because I'd LOVE to hang out on the river and her doing that just goes to show that she IS capable of making plans in advance, just not with me. And it's like she doesn't want to be inconvenienced by my reduced ability to get around. It's true that I can't go hiking or biking yet, so all I can really do is walk around on flat trails, slowly. And I can't help feeling that a true friend would take one time between eight weeks ago and now and try to spend some time in my incapacitated world. I feel like if you only bother to make time for your family and whomever else suits the convenience of your schedule, then you don't deserve a real friendship with someone.

 

I feel like I should tell her how I feel and give her a chance before I firmly start pulling away, but I also have this feeling that like a lot of women with families, she'll get all defensive and huffy and holier-than-thou and I just really don't feel up to even the possibility of exposure to that. I hate women who act like they're better than you because they have a family and you don't.

[Zapbasket]

 

I actually feel like I have the opposite problem. Our single friends are the harder ones to pin down. Plus when they say let's get tickets to {this} they forget it's times two for us.

 

That's interesting to hear you have the opposite difficulty! Maybe single and married people just don't mix well when it comes to the nitty-gritty of making social plans? How, if so, do you think each side can help bridge that?

 

And I have thought about inviting just her and her husband to dinner. The thing is, her parents LOVE me; her dad calls me his "tonic." So I think they'd feel a wee hurt if I didn't invite them, too. And hosting a dinner is just not something in the cards for me right now.

 

I'm all for spontaneous planning and I do it myself, but in these dynamics I feel like she waits until the last minute because in her mind, I have no one and so of course my time is flexible. And that just feels insulting. Because as her social media post today just proves, she CAN make social plans when she feels she has to. :-(

[d0nnivain]

I think the bridge is just keep talking, not even necessarily about this. Just talk. Be friends. When you have time & the ability, accept her invitations. When you have the means & again the ability, have the dinner party. Meanwhile throw the idea of a girls event out there. It's not about picking you over them or vice versa but just doing different things.

 

On many levels I feel like I am just now, 20 years later, getting some of my friends back as their kids grow up & become independent.

[Fair]

I've been dumped by every non single friend I ever had... started up brief communications with them on occasion only to be dumped again. All of them fellow females of course.

 

I just came to accept that if you want a friend as a SINGLE woman it has to be a man... and a man who wants you romantically. I battled crippling anxiety all winter and my supposed female 'friends' who aren't single were absent and stupid and cruel toward me. If it wasn't for a specific man around here I really don't know what I would do.

 

Of course, was slapped in the face (so to speak) by a single female friend this winter as well after I tried to reconnect with her so... I'm throwing in the towel. You can't have an OUNCE of sex appeal if you're a single woman or you'll never have non single or even single and looking... female friends.

[preraph]

It's clear that her family is who she most likes to be around, more than most people, and that the best you can hope for here is to be included, which she is including you a reasonable amount of time, so she does love you. She did take you to the surgery, and that was very nice. She can be counted on in a crisis. But you are way down the list of crises for her, being as a family has a crisis just about every day. So I don't think you can push for more. She sounds reasonable -- just unusual because she really is self-contained in that family and wants no more. I have a very old high school friend who doesn't need anyone but family. To be her friend, I'd probably have to move in like family.

 

I do understand being jealous about the river rafting. That used to be my favorite thing to do, but like you I now have physical problems to prevent me from even being on a boat, unbalanced. You can't begrudge her, though, the time she wants to spend alone with her daughter. You know, that is special time for them. Her daughter probably doesn't get much one on one time with her either. That daughter will be her first priority and precious to her, so don't start anything criticizing that.

 

Let her include you. Ask her sometime, "Jackie, you include me and invite me over, and I feel like I have no way to reciprocate. Is there any way I can reciprocate?" Likely, she'll just say, no, because this is how she wants it, but hey, what if she comes up with something like wants you to go shopping with her. You never know. Something no one else in the family wants to do.

[Fair]

I haven't been as mobile as I usually am due to a leg injury and surgery, and so maybe I'm unreasonable but I feel like it would be nice if she'd try at least once to come to where I live, especially as she has a new car, instead of it always having to be me coming to her, and with her entire family

 

I'd invite her to dinner or drinks at my house but I know it's hard for her to plan to be away from her husband and I just sadly do not have the money right now to have a dinner party for her entire family.

 

Sometimes I feel frustrated with my non-single friends in general, because they only focus on their immediate families and while I'd never say so for fear of being unreasonable, I do sometimes feel like it would be healthy for them sometimes to make a little one-on-one time for their single girlfriends. After all, they can vent to me about their spouses if they want, or just get a breather from their families for an hour.

 

I just feel like a big third wheel.

 

I've had all these feelings about friends of mine. This is just the way it is... you want your friend and she has a family and is not going to go out of her way for you despite the fact you've got physical issues and it would be understandably easier for you if she'd make some kind of an effort. But this scenario is always the same: She's got her own life, and the onus is on you to keep the friendship going if you want one, but if you stopped making all the effort the friendship would cease. I mean, I hope not in your case, but this is my experience. This is a lot of single women's experience.

 

 

I know this hurts and is frustrating. But if you ask for ANYTHING you'll be treated unfairly as though you are 'making demands' on a 'busy' person and therefore should just go away. One of my friends basically said this to me in an email this winter and all I had done was write to her after a three year unexplained silence to see how she was doing... although, I did ask her why she faded away, casually enough. But she responded with a kind of stupid cruelty that shocked me.

 

You could just tell her plainly how you feel if you feel comfortable enough and see how she reacts but just be prepared for the worst. Sorry to be so pessimistic for you but I can only speak from my own experiences which have not been good.

 

Go out and find a good man... it might take some work, but it would still be time better spent than beating your head against a wall with a self absorbed female with a family.

[clia]

But...I feel like it's also nice to make time for other friends. I know she likes me and cares about me, and even served as my ride to and from my leg surgery, made me a big container of chili and stayed with me the rest of the day to be sure I was ok.

 

Wow, she seems like an amazing friend.

 

But that was now eight weeks ago, and I have not seen her once in that time.

 

It's not clear from your post, but have you invited her to do anything in the past eight weeks? You've offered several examples where she tried to get together with you, but didn't mention you inviting her to do anything.

 

And honestly, the examples you give don't sound like situations where she had them planned far in advance and just invited you at the last minute. Rather, they seem like things she decided to do at the spur of the moment and invited you to join her if you were free. That's pretty normal for friendships. I don't feel like everything has to be planned far in advance for it to count. Do you reciprocate at all and invite her to do anything?

 

This morning I saw pictures on social media of her rafting on the river with her daughter and, as her post says, "good friends." And I do feel a bit hurt because I'd LOVE to hang out on the river and her doing that just goes to show that she IS capable of making plans in advance, just not with me.

And it's like she doesn't want to be inconvenienced by my reduced ability to get around. It's true that I can't go hiking or biking yet, so all I can really do is walk around on flat trails, slowly.

 

If you are incapacitated, I can understand why she didn't invite you hiking and rafting. You aren't being realistic.

 

But you could say to her "I saw your post today and that looks so fun! We should go sometime!"

 

And I can't help feeling that a true friend would take one time between eight weeks ago and now and try to spend some time in my incapacitated world.

 

Have you invited her over?

 

I haven't been as mobile as I usually am due to a leg injury and surgery, and so maybe I'm unreasonable but I feel like it would be nice if she'd try at least once to come to where I live,

 

Have you invited her?

 

I'd invite her to dinner or drinks at my house but I know it's hard for her to plan to be away from her husband and I just sadly do not have the money right now to have a dinner party for her entire family.

 

I don't understand why you feel you have to invite her entire family if you invite her. Can't you just ask her to get together for drinks or dinner for a girls' night? Have you tried?

 

I'm all for spontaneous planning and I do it myself, but in these dynamics I feel like she waits until the last minute because in her mind, I have no one and so of course my time is flexible. And that just feels insulting. Because as her social media post today just proves, she CAN make social plans when she feels she has to. :-(

 

It seems like you are making a lot of assumptions about what she is thinking and about her motives.

 

I feel like I should tell her how I feel and give her a chance before I firmly start pulling away, but I also have this feeling that like a lot of women with families, she'll get all defensive and huffy and holier-than-thou and I just really don't feel up to even the possibility of exposure to that. I hate women who act like they're better than you because they have a family and you don't.

 

You really don't seem to like her very much. I guess if you want to push away a person who did a lot for you when you had your surgery, that's your choice.

[Zapbasket]

Wow, she seems like an amazing friend.

 

 

 

It's not clear from your post, but have you invited her to do anything in the past eight weeks? You've offered several examples where she tried to get together with you, but didn't mention you inviting her to do anything.

 

I had major knee surgery. I could not walk for the entire first four weeks. The second four weeks I could get around only minimally. So inviting anyone was basically an invitation to come and help me and unless someone else offered to drive I couldn't go anywhere.

 

And honestly, the examples you give don't sound like situations where she had them planned far in advance and just invited you at the last minute. Rather, they seem like things she decided to do at the spur of the moment and invited you to join her if you were free. That's pretty normal for friendships. I don't feel like everything has to be planned far in advance for it to count. Do you reciprocate at all and invite her to do anything?

 

Spontaneity is great. However we now live over a half hour's drive away from each other; we live in the mountains; in the off seasons there are a lot of road closure/re-routings due to construction projects. So realistically in order to maximize the possibility that we can actually see each other, some planning is unfortunately needed. As I said, when I used to live one minute away from her, the last-minute invites were easier.

 

I always invite just her. Her life revolves around her family. She is not going to leave them to come, just her, for dinner and as I have said, logistically and financially a dinner party just is not possible for me right now.

 

I think you are the one here making an awful lot of assumptions.

[clia]

I'm going based on the information you provided in your posts.

 

I had major knee surgery. I could not walk for the entire first four weeks. The second four weeks I could get around only minimally. So inviting anyone was basically an invitation to come and help me and unless someone else offered to drive I couldn't go anywhere.

 

So you invited her over in the past eight weeks and she said no?

 

Spontaneity is great. However we now live over a half hour's drive away from each other; we live in the mountains; in the off seasons there are a lot of road closure/re-routings due to construction projects. So realistically in order to maximize the possibility that we can actually see each other, some planning is unfortunately needed. As I said, when I used to live one minute away from her, the last-minute invites were easier.

 

Personally I don't think living a half an hour away is that far, but okay. I get it that you can't always do things spontaneously, though. I still think it's nice of her to invite you.

 

Have you tried just talking to her and telling her that you'd appreciate if you two could make plans in advance since you live farther away now?

 

I always invite just her. Her life revolves around her family. She is not going to leave them to come, just her, for dinner and as I have said, logistically and financially a dinner party just is not possible for me right now.

 

Have you explained this to her?

 

I think you are the one here making an awful lot of assumptions.

 

Like I said, I'm going based on what you posted. It seems like she was there for you with your surgery and your post didn't say anything about what efforts you made to see her.

 

If the friendship isn't working out for you, then you have every right to walk away from it.

[ElKay]

All the time... After my last breakup, I avoided seeing some friends since they liked having their SOs with them and some just don't seem to understand the pain, so they would still feel each other up openly in front of me.

 

Like someone already said on here, ask for a one on one outing or girl's night so that it's clear.

[Zapbasket]

I'm going based on the information you provided in your posts.

 

I keep mentioning a major knee surgery and difficult recovery in my posts but that isn't computing. It means: I have not been very mobile.

 

 

 

So you invited her over in the past eight weeks and she said no?

Correct.

 

 

 

Personally I don't think living a half an hour away is that far, but okay. I get it that you can't always do things spontaneously, though. I still think it's nice of her to invite you.

 

We live in the mountains. It changes things and I can't take space of time here to explain all the ins and outs of that. Let's say I do not know anyone who spontaneously drives half an hour or more here to do something socially. Every time I am near where she is, I call or text her. Our work schedules also have not been the same.

 

Have you tried just talking to her and telling her that you'd appreciate if you two could make plans in advance since you live farther away now?

 

Yes. I said it at the very beginning: "I know we've always been able to do spontaneous get-togethers [read: me going to her house because she is hanging out with her family; YES when I lived by her I invited her over; YES when I went over there I brought food, drink, etc.], but I know when I move that will be hard so we'll have to plan more in advance." I said it because I noticed that she never plans in advance, not with me, but to plan things like rafting you can't just be spontaneous. I was bummed not to be invited to that because with my injury that is actually something I can do: I can bring beer, stick me in the boat (it was a giant inflatable unicorn, so not exactly technical rafting here) and off we go.

 

 

Have you explained this to her?

 

I really would think it would be fairly safe for one to assume that when someone has had major knee surgery with a known long recovery (this she does well know), and were unable to work for a month, throwing dinner parties isn't exactly in the forefront of your priorities or realistic possibilities.

 

 

Like I said, I'm going based on what you posted. It seems like she was there for you with your surgery and your post didn't say anything about what efforts you made to see her.

 

Again: KNEE SURGERY. The effort really was going to have to come from here these past eight weeks. I wasn't able to work. I am financially behind. I can't afford to drive around. When you are injured everything takes twice as long. It is hard for me to get around. I have made it as clear as I possibly can that a visit to me would have been really great. I offered it to her even KNOWING that really once she got over she would have to just sit with me and I can't offer a more attractive option right now.

 

If the friendship isn't working out for you, then you have every right to walk away from it.

 

The whole point of my thread here is that I'd hate to end a friendship over logistics, but that it feels it's always me having to do it on her terms. And that complicating that is that when she has a family she enjoys and feels obligated to, I can't say she is just being selfish, per se. Likewise, though I am single, I have other issues especially right now that make it a bit hard to just drop everything when she suggests I come over. So my thread is a larger question of how to try to navigate these kinds of things where one person has a family they are with all the time, and the other person is single. Add to it that currently I am self-employed and I feel that she maybe does not understand that I still have to schedule my time so that I can get the work done. I do feel she acts like I can just accommodate to whatever is convenient for her, and since she doesn't make it possible for much one-on-one, just the two of us interaction, I don't get a chance to explain this; also I feel that when you have to explain that much, it is a problem. It's great to take someone to their surgery, but when it involves also a long recovery, it is nice to try to be there for some of that process, too. I know I would make sure to drive to see a friend who was mostly bed-ridden for four weeks.

[Zapbasket]

All the time... After my last breakup, I avoided seeing some friends since they liked having their SOs with them and some just don't seem to understand the pain, so they would still feel each other up openly in front of me.

 

Like someone already said on here, ask for a one on one outing or girl's night so that it's clear.

 

Yes, that's it: I just wish everything didn't have to involve her whole family and me always coming to her house. I want her to WANT to just have one on one time, but that doesn't seem to be a priority for her generally. I don't feel like it's her not wanting to hang out with me, just not wanting to hang out with me (or maybe anyone) if it's not 100% convenient for her. So I feel this implicit request in every effort to get together for me to completely accommodate to her, and not the other way around. It could be an incompatibility we just can't get around, because I do feel people in her situation should be a bit more sensitive to the fact that maybe a friend would like to hang out one on one every once in a while. And in my current case, that a friend who can't get around as well as usual might really appreciate someone coming to her and doing some things at her pace (a short walk or something), rather than being left out of things because she's injured.

[lana-banana]

Yes, that's it: I just wish everything didn't have to involve her whole family and me always coming to her house. I want her to WANT to just have one on one time, but that doesn't seem to be a priority for her generally. I don't feel like it's her not wanting to hang out with me, just not wanting to hang out with me (or maybe anyone) if it's not 100% convenient for her. So I feel this implicit request in every effort to get together for me to completely accommodate to her, and not the other way around. It could be an incompatibility we just can't get around, because I do feel people in her situation should be a bit more sensitive to the fact that maybe a friend would like to hang out one on one every once in a while. And in my current case, that a friend who can't get around as well as usual might really appreciate someone coming to her and doing some things at her pace (a short walk or something), rather than being left out of things because she's injured.

 

Essentially, you seem angry that your friend isn't psychic. No, really: you want someone else to know what you intrinsically want from them, without telling them or even giving any indicators of how you feel. That isn't fair. Even husbands and wives miscommunicate all the time because they make the wrong assumptions about what the other person wants.

 

I have girl time with my friends every now and again, but for many of our friends, spouses and kids are de facto invited to just about anything, because people are used to doing things as a family. That is probably even more the case for someone who spends most of her time with a big family household. If you want your friend to know about your secret yearning for personal time, you're going to have to tell her. Otherwise it just isn't fair.

[Zapbasket]

Essentially, you seem angry that your friend isn't psychic. No, really: you want someone else to know what you intrinsically want from them, without telling them or even giving any indicators of how you feel. That isn't fair. Even husbands and wives miscommunicate all the time because they make the wrong assumptions about what the other person wants.

 

I have girl time with my friends every now and again, but for many of our friends, spouses and kids are de facto invited to just about anything, because people are used to doing things as a family. That is probably even more the case for someone who spends most of her time with a big family household. If you want your friend to know about your secret yearning for personal time, you're going to have to tell her. Otherwise it just isn't fair.

 

I am not angry, just frustrated. If I just wanted her to be psychic, then there would be no need nor desire to start a thread asking about the situation, right? I started the thread because I see that I am going to have to let her know that the current status quo is not working for me, and I am seeking advice before just plowing forward.

 

So what I am asking here is, how do I go about telling someone who prefers time with her family that *I* would prefer some one-on-one time mixed in, without making someone who already feels stretched by family requirements feel more stretched, like I'm just pulling at her rather than offering a chance for a more mutual friendship? So far, her behavior indicates that she is fine with the current status quo, except that she's not getting to see me, because last-minute invites more often than not are not fitting into my schedule.

 

And rather than just ask other, single friends how they handle situations like this, I posted here, because I do think there are challenges when two people like each other, but one has no daily family obligations, and the other does. To this situation there is the added complication that my friend really isn't a "girls' night out" kind of person; she does things with her family and when I was her neighbor, it was easy to include me last-minute in her family things. I'm trying to expand a friendship, not admonish her for wanting to be around her family; and yes, while I'd never say so to her, I wish she'd let herself be more of a free agent in relation to her family every now and again. I'm trying to find a constructive way to accept that that might not be her schtick, while also getting something I want out of this relationship rather than just accommodate to her. I have too much on my plate right now to not get some of my needs met in a relationship, too.

[Fair]

I wish she'd let herself be more of a free agent in relation to her family every now and again. I'm trying to find a constructive way to accept that that might not be her schtick, while also getting something I want out of this relationship rather than just accommodate to her. I have too much on my plate right now to not get some of my needs met in a relationship, too.

 

8 weeks of being incapacitated... try 8 months. That's how long I've been off work with crippling anxiety, and my closest 'friend' geographically... lives a few minutes out of town... can't be torn away from her family for one minute to come and see me. Now, this friend lives in a household of ADULTS barring her grandchild. Her husband, her adult daughter and grandson, and her 18 year old son, and she's taking responsibility for everyone... It's not an obligation so much as a choice. She could spare time for a friend if she wanted to.

 

When my anxiety was really bad I asked her to come spend a night with me. ONE NIGHT because I really needed company. No go. In fact, she not only said no to that but simultaneously said no to there ever being any possibility of it EVER happening. NEVER phones to check in on me, never stops by... she'll talk to me if I call her first but screw that. I'm tired of it and won't do it anymore, so I guess with her too as with the others... without my effort, we'll never talk again.

 

What I'm saying is the longer you go on with this the more frustrated you're going to get. When it's not her kids one day it'll be her grandkids that women nowadays think it's their duty to raise and their adult children all seem to stay like needy children themselves who never entirely leave home... I'm telling you, you'll never get your needs met by this woman.

 

My question to you is, why are you forcing this? The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a life of your own.

Edited July 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lana-banana]

You can just ask her, exactly like Clia and others suggested, whether with a Facebook comment or a quick note: "hey, I'd love to catch up one on one sometime! When are you available?" It really isn't hard and I'm not sure I understand why you're doing all these mental gymnastics.

[Zapbasket]

You can just ask her, exactly like Clia and others suggested, whether with a Facebook comment or a quick note: "hey, I'd love to catch up one on one sometime! When are you available?" It really isn't hard and I'm not sure I understand why you're doing all these mental gymnastics.

 

The problem that has caused me to post here is that there is no time that she is available except at the last minute. I noticed this when I was her neighbor, but it was easy then for me to accept a last-minute invite due to proximity and other reasons. Now, it is not possible. I don't get an answer to when she is available; I texted her last week: "What are your plans for this weekend? Maybe we could get together sometime then?" No answer. I texted her when I was in her area, saying I could come up to her house and say hi if she were around. She texted she was at work. the only "mental gymnastics" I am doing is trying to explain to basically you and Clia why I am even here posting in the first place. Thank you for your response; I will figure it out just fine without LoveShack. Thank you to the others for your posts; they were helpful, because what I really wanted was just some commiseration with how hard it sometimes can be to get together with friends who put their families first to the point there isn't much room for outside friendships.

Edited July 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zapbasket]

8 weeks of being incapacitated... try 8 months. That's how long I've been off work with crippling anxiety, and my closest 'friend' geographically... lives a few minutes out of town... can't be torn away from her family for one minute to come and see me. Now, this friend lives in a household of ADULTS barring her grandchild. Her husband, her adult daughter and grandson, and her 18 year old son, and she's taking responsibility for everyone... It's not an obligation so much as a choice. She could spare time for a friend if she wanted to.

 

When my anxiety was really bad I asked her to come spend a night with me. ONE NIGHT because I really needed company. No go. In fact, she not only said no to that but simultaneously said no to there ever being any possibility of it EVER happening. NEVER phones to check in on me, never stops by... she'll talk to me if I call her first but screw that. I'm tired of it and won't do it anymore, so I guess with her too as with the others... without my effort, we'll never talk again.

 

What I'm saying is the longer you go on with this the more frustrated you're going to get. When it's not her kids one day it'll be her grandkids that women nowadays think it's their duty to raise and their adult children all seem to stay like needy children themselves who never entirely leave home... I'm telling you, you'll never get your needs met by this woman.

 

My question to you is, why are you forcing this? The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a life of your own.

 

I wasn't "forcing" anything, just trying to figure out how best to go forward with this friendship, because I know we do care about each other and are in a bit of a logistics impasse that could also just be different lifestyle needs given our current difference in situation.

 

Your situation--I really feel for you. I think some of it can be chalked up to people not understanding grief, depression, or anxiety. Some people do not know what to do or say. I glanced through some of your threads on the subject and I want to say I'm really sorry for your losses. I can only imagine the aloneness you must feel and your anxiety is not surprising. I'm sure it only makes it worse when you feel people who claim to care about you distance themselves when you need them most. Generally, it sounds like you need to leave at least some of these female "friends" in the dust. They are few, but there ARE people who understand the kinds of issues you are having and you might find them if you're able to put yourself out there a little. I know with anxiety it makes it much harder. Do you have access to any support groups for people experiencing loss?

[Els]

Wow. So she drove a 1 hr round trip just to take you to surgery and back, and you're complaining that she's being "selfish" just because she didn't do even MORE for you? Someone who was truly selfish and who didn't care about you would never have done that. It's bizarre that you're accusing her of being selfish despite her having gone out of her way so much for you.

 

 

 

To be honest, your post comes across as rather self centered and unappreciative to me. Did you even do or send her anything to express appreciation for what she did?

 

 

 

Yes, people do have limited time and they do have to prioritize what they spend time on. If someone has a family, naturally that would be their priority. Of course, they should still try to maintain friendships, but it sounds like she's already trying, she just isn't living up to your colossal expectations.

[Blanco]

I went through something somewhat similar recently with a friend who had basically become a ghost because of his new girlfriend. It bothered me that he wasn't striking any sort of balance with his new relationship and his existing friendships.

 

After letting it fester, I finally decided to just talk to him about it. I'm glad I did. He's been much better about allocating time for me and his other friends while still being a present and dutiful boyfriend.

 

I seriously doubt things would've changed the way they did if I had continued to sit in silence and wait for him to "get it."

[Els]

Oops, wasn't able to edit my post. I wanted to say that I'm really not trying to pile on you, OP, just saying that it sounds to me like you're already pretty fortunate to have such a thoughtful friend.

[Fair]

I wasn't "forcing" anything, just trying to figure out how best to go forward with this friendship, because I know we do care about each other and are in a bit of a logistics impasse that could also just be different lifestyle needs given our current difference in situation.

 

Your situation--I really feel for you. I think some of it can be chalked up to people not understanding grief, depression, or anxiety. Some people do not know what to do or say. I glanced through some of your threads on the subject and I want to say I'm really sorry for your losses. I can only imagine the aloneness you must feel and your anxiety is not surprising. I'm sure it only makes it worse when you feel people who claim to care about you distance themselves when you need them most. Generally, it sounds like you need to leave at least some of these female "friends" in the dust. They are few, but there ARE people who understand the kinds of issues you are having and you might find them if you're able to put yourself out there a little. I know with anxiety it makes it much harder. Do you have access to any support groups for people experiencing loss?

 

Thanks for your concern, but wasn't meaning to highjack your post with my stuff. And Still think you ought to concern yourself more with fleshing out the rest of your life... I assume you are not, which is why you are fixating on this particular friend as your main source of support.