How to discourage an annoying person from going to your Meetups?

[firestar]

I am female and organize a Meetup group. There is a guy in my meetup who gives me the creeps. He attends every event that I organize. At a meetup last year we were hiking with a group of people and he was completely silent, didn’t say a word to me the entire time but kept staring at me with a pained expression on his face. It seriously freaked me out. I had been dealing with another annoying and unattractive group member who went to every single meetup and pestered me with suggestions like, “let’s ditch the group and go hike by ourselves down that trail” (ignoring the fact that I am the organizer and am responsible for leading the group so no one gets lost or injured).

 

Eventually, I wrote both these guys a polite message saying that sorry, I am not attracted to them and see them in a completely platonic way only. The annoying guy immediately asked me out on a date, so I deleted him from the meetup. The second, creepy guy said “what gave you the impression (that I was interested in you)? I might have been really tired on the hike and zoned out.” So, I mentioned the silence and strange expression on his face and apologized for misreading the situation. Then I was super nice around him because I felt bad about making assumptions.

 

Now, the creepy guy shows up at every single meetup! At the last meetup he was acting jealous and resentful that I was flirting with someone else. The creepy guy seems to have Aspergers or is slightly autistic because he can’t sense that others want to end a conversation with him. He just keeps droning on forever about himself. I am afraid that he is discouraging other people from attending the meetups.

 

How do you politely discourage this person from going to your meetups?

[basil67]

The aspie guy is probably really lonely and using the group to make some friends and socialise. As frustrating as his behaviour may be, I would suggest a bit of compassion from the group would not go astray.

[firestar]

The aspie guy is probably really lonely and using the group to make some friends and socialise. As frustrating as his behaviour may be, I would suggest a bit of compassion from the group would not go astray.

 

I felt the same way but I’m concerned that his presence might be discouraging other members from attending the events... And getting jealous/resentful that I am talking to other guys and ignoring him is really annoying too. I’m not a babysitter and not obligated to entertain everyone that goes to these meetups. That’s what a tour guide does and they get paid for it. And listening to him drone on for hours about his life is pretty painful. It’s easy to say “have patience”. It’s much harder to do.

[darkmoon]

maybe meetup has guidelines for this, it is quite well-organised

[preraph]

I am female and organize a Meetup group. There is a guy in my meetup who gives me the creeps. He attends every event that I organize. At a meetup last year we were hiking with a group of people and he was completely silent, didn’t say a word to me the entire time but kept staring at me with a pained expression on his face. It seriously freaked me out. I had been dealing with another annoying and unattractive group member who went to every single meetup and pestered me with suggestions like, “let’s ditch the group and go hike by ourselves down that trail” (ignoring the fact that I am the organizer and am responsible for leading the group so no one gets lost or injured).

 

Eventually, I wrote both these guys a polite message saying that sorry, I am not attracted to them and see them in a completely platonic way only. The annoying guy immediately asked me out on a date, so I deleted him from the meetup. The second, creepy guy said “what gave you the impression (that I was interested in you)? I might have been really tired on the hike and zoned out.” So, I mentioned the silence and strange expression on his face and apologized for misreading the situation. Then I was super nice around him because I felt bad about making assumptions.

 

Now, the creepy guy shows up at every single meetup! At the last meetup he was acting jealous and resentful that I was flirting with someone else. The creepy guy seems to have Aspergers or is slightly autistic because he can’t sense that others want to end a conversation with him. He just keeps droning on forever about himself. I am afraid that he is discouraging other people from attending the meetups.

 

How do you politely discourage this person from going to your meetups?

 

I was going to say he sounded like he had a condition. I mean, I sometimes feel sorry for people like that, but if he's destroying your meetup or putting pressure on you, either one, after being told, then just kick him off. It is uncomfortable when there's someone who dominates or doesn't fit in. My first meetup experience was bowling with some people without children and there was one guy there who had problems, and all the other guys started trying to push him off onto the women, forcing interaction, etc, because they felt bad for him. I have mixed feelings because if they're just lonely, then what's the harm, but if they are really angling for sex or a girlfriend and no one is remotely interested, I think the longer you let it go on, the worse it could be for them to be rejected.

 

An all-female group I was going to some this year, first this woman who is in all the meetups joined and dominated the conversation. It was hard to even talk to the person next to you because she was trying to be loud so everyone could hear. Then the last one I attended I found out two of the women there were really there to recruit votes for their party. I hate that. We're just there to have a relaxing lunch, you know. Another group I was in for quite a while was a paranormal group and so for some time, they stayed on subject, so it was interesting. Then this couple came who got totally off topic all the time and just wasted the evening talking about stupid crap on their phones, and I thought they'd leave eventually, as many did, but they didn't so I left.

 

Do what's best for your group. It's hard to know what to do when someone has issues they can't help, but they should find a group that's with like people, I think, to be happiest.

[preraph]

There is a column on Quora about this subject - answer even addresses autistic and why not to feel bad about it. One of the best suggestions on there if you don't want to outright ban a member is to get the other members' contact info you want to be able to contact and close down the whole group. Then continue to get together with those people. Down the road quite a ways, open another group under a different name. At that time, if the person joins, ban them right away and they don't even know who did it.

 

It's a shame they notify people if you ban or suspend them and that there isn't a way to simply tick the boxes of the people you want to invite to a certain event. I wonder if some other meetup type format has these options.

 

Here is several people discussing the subject:

https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-prevent-someone-from-attending-our-meetup-com-events

[d0nnivain]

How do you politely discourage this person from going to your meetups?

 

You don't. Instead talk to these people & befriend them in a safe public way. They may not know they are being creepy.

 

If you really are freaked out, pay the money & do a private investigator search on them. If you find something real, get the police involved.

 

 

However I think you will solve this problem with kindness & understanding.

[ElKay]

Met an aspie from a dating site once and, while I really did try to feel comfortable, he made me super uncomfortable. I stopped seeing him after that, even "as a friend". It sucks that you have to do it, but if you truly believe that someone is making others uncomfortable (and I personally would have if I was in the situation) and stop going to the meet ups, maybe you can organize something just between you all?

 

Life is short and, even if it seems like we have to be accepting of anyone who's not outright creepy, you're not a business. Life is too short to feel uncomfortable and have someone ruin your moments.

[d0nnivain]

As the organizer you have to be careful. I don't know what the liability for a MeetUp might be but if you put it together & it's deemed to be a place of public accommodation you could be on the wrong end of a handicap discrimination lawsuit for failing to accommodate somebody will a disability.

[clia]

At the end of the day, it's your Meetup group, so you are entitled to boot him out if you want. There is no need to make it more difficult then it is. Just send him a note, tell him you don't feel he is a good fit for the group, then delete and block him. There are plenty of other Meetup groups he can join.

[preraph]

As the organizer you have to be careful. I don't know what the liability for a MeetUp might be but if you put it together & it's deemed to be a place of public accommodation you could be on the wrong end of a handicap discrimination lawsuit for failing to accommodate somebody will a disability.

 

I looked at how Meetup handles this and there's two options. One is for the owner to simply boot them off. The other is to file a complaint and have the board decide what to do and leave it to them to boot them off or not. If the board boots them off, they are barred from joining any more groups, so I imagine the standard is high for that.

[Dodgersfan11]

There really isn't a solution, I mean, meetups are a free for all and since its open for any stranger to join then you don't know what you are getting yourself into. Sure, you can stop this guy from attending your meetup, but what about the other creepy guys that are out there? My suggestions-not sure if its going to help.

 

1) Do a meet up where everyone pays?

2) Have a friend accompany you or have him/her co organize the event

3) Do an all girls meetup up group

4) Leave that meetup group and create another meetup group-banning him

5) Or just do hiking events with your friends and leave meetup for good

[preraph]

Another alternative if you don't want to ban him is turn the reins of the group over to anyone else who would take it on. If he's only interested in you, then he'll see that and maybe drop out soon after. And you tell whoever takes it over to holler when he does and you'll join in again and take over or comanage it. If he just keeps going even when you're not there, then maybe it's not the problem it seems like it is.

[fredflint]

At the end of the day, it's your Meetup group, so you are entitled to boot him out if you want. There is no need to make it more difficult then it is. Just send him a note, tell him you don't feel he is a good fit for the group, then delete and block him. There are plenty of other Meetup groups he can join.

 

I agree with this. Don't like someone, boot them out. OP, it's your meetup. You don't owe everyone equal treatment. Yes, the Asp. guy probably needs help. Your meetup isn't the place for him to get that. And while he's there, he's not getting that. Kindly ask him not to attend and refer him to somewhere that caters to people with his unique needs.